I need help in supporting my pregnant gf with BPD

[very_scared]

Really desperate for help and guidance and not sure where I can find it. (My job doesn't cover mental health expenses, so I've struggled to find a therapist.)

Some background: My gf and I are both in our mid 20s and have been together for about 2 years. We met almost randomly through two different friends-of-friends at a party, and quickly fell for each other. We had nothing but great time in the first months, totally infatuated with each and always with each other, eventually getting a place together. She told me right away that she has numerous mental health problems, including BPD, and sees a therapist every week.

Initially this didn't worry me, as it seemed she had a real handle on these problems and they never came up. But soon after moving in together, she began exhibiting many BPD behaviors, pretty much on a weekly basis, if not multiple times in a week. She would blow up in anger for many different reasons and sob uncontrollably, rejecting any consoling and physically swatting or pushing me away, only to later ask why I gave up in trying to console her. She demanded that I accept these outbursts without taking anything personally, even when she hurls insults at me, mocks me, and accuses me of not caring and being being committed and not being in love with her. I'm constantly characterized as someone I'm not.

I recognized that I was JADE-ing often, which is a concept I only learned about 2 months ago. I would be told that I am somebody who I really don't believe I am, and I would defend myself or try to comfort her by assuring her that I am a better person than how I was being characterized, and that would only make things much worse. I am constantly told to "surrender". I've improved in this quite a bit. Many times throughout the week she will say something mean to me, so easily, like it just flies off her tongue without any thought as to how that could be offensive, even though she would never say that to a stranger or coworker, and I try to tell myself, "She doesn't mean it, it's the BPD". But sometimes I break, and as soon as I do, I'm told that I'm a bad boyfriend, and that if I "really loved" her I would be strong enough to "take it".

Now that she is pregnant, these demands are heightened. I feel bad for her because pregnancy is a lot to deal with, and she has really stressful family issues with her mom and little brother which gets really overwhelming on top of all the physical and hormonal changes. At the same time, the accusations have become worse, while the demands to surrender and take it have increased. So many things she does really hurts my feelings, and when I try to mention it, she gets angrier because I'm "being selfish" and "ignoring" her needs to care about myself more. In arguments she often begs me to be her "emotional caretaker" because she can't but also doesn't want to "regulate raw emotions" like anger.

Last week, she mentioned saving up money to buy a house, and I responded by saying there are a few things I want to happen before I want to start thinking about doing that. This has upset her for the entire week now, and she tells me repeatedly each day that I've "destroyed" our relationship because I'm not "dedicated to building a future together". She says I don't do enough for her as a boyfriend, deeply minimizes everything I do to help around the house ("You think being a chauffeur and building furniture is being a good boyfriend"), as a father-to-be, and that I never cared or loved her or wanted to be together in the future. She seems convinced that I don't care, and convinced that our relationship is tarnished. She says I need to come up with a solution to the harm I've caused, and

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

I just really don't know what to do, and even more scared that I won't be able to do what's needed. I feel like I'm going to break emotionally if I have to endure more of this. I wish there was a way we could both work on this, but she is resolute in me having to deal with anything she does without any qualification or adjustments on her part. I'm so scared that I won't be supportive or strong enough, and that our relationship will be ruined, that this love I have for her will be spoiled and won't be received or have a place to go, and that I'll have to struggle to be around my daughter in the way I want to be.

Sorry for the long rant. I just really want to know what I can do to be a better boyfriend to someone struggling with BPD, while at the same time making sure I'm mentally OK as well.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her. I want to be supportive. I know this sounds like a laundry list of red flags, but she has immense care and love inside of her when she isn't upset. There are times where she recognizes that what she is doing to herself and to me.

But I'm really concerned about my own mental health. I constantly feel like a failure and a bad boyfriend, and I feel like a bad father in not being able to give my daughter-to-be's mother what she needs.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm very glad you found us.  Hopefully we can help you find some answers.

See the first sentence that I bolded above?  That's the key to all of this.  When her emotions take over, there's no telling what she'll say or how she'll react.  Everything is over the top because that's how she feels in that moment.  And feelings are just as real as the physical stuff in our lives. 

Notice how you ended the sentence...when she isn't upset?  That's what we focus on.  The goal is not to avoid every blow-out or ensure she never "loses it" again, it's to help her calm down when she's disordered.  That's the whole ballgame, everything you need to fix this.

How do you do that? 

Think about your newborn child on the way.  For the first year or so, they can't talk, they're horrible at communicating, and the only sign you get of something being wrong is ear-piercing screams and crying.  What does the baby need?  Is it hungry?  Does it have gas?  Is there a diaper rash or a bug bite you're not seeing?  It could be a hundred things, a thousand even, and at first it feels almost impossible to do anything.

But then you cradle the baby, talk to it in a calm voice, and the baby feels that love.  If you pick up the baby while you're upset, the baby somehow feels that and it gets even more upset.  You're not in this situation yet but I promise all of this is true.  The baby feeds off your emotions way more than you can ever imagine.  So when you're calm and nurturing, the baby relaxes and stops crying.

And this is how you calm your girlfriend down- exact same technique, exact same concept.  Now, she can talk and she's sometimes saying horrible things.  Ignore that stuff as much as you can and think about how you calm an upset baby.  You're not trying to fix the problem, you're just trying to calm her down so she can realize that there was no problem to begin with...or it's a highly managable problem in a calm, balanced mindset.

Now let's look at your 2nd quote.  Your mental health always comes first, regardless of what's happening with your girlfriend.  So if it gets to be too much, walk away.  Simply tell her that you don't want to argue and you're stepping away for a moment to clear your head.  This prevents the situation from getting to the all-out meltdown phases because it takes two people to argue.  So if you don't respond (or respond lovingly when it's not exepcted), then you're not arguing anymore.

Remember how I said that the baby can feel your emotions?  So can your girlfriend, it's like a BPD superpower.  Every movement of your face, your body language, your vocal tone, it's sending signals on how you're feeling in the moment.  Your girlfriend picks up on all of it so if you're saying, "I love you" but your face says, "I'd rather be anywhere but here", then she's going to believe your body language.

So if it gets to be too much, walk away.  Tell her that you love her and you don't want to argue about anything, and you'll be back in xx minutes.

As you learn to better communicate with your girlfriend, things will probably get worse before they get better.  And at times, you will make huge mistakes that leads to an all-out screaming match.  That's okay, you're human.  We all mess up from time to time and these relationships can be extremely unfair.  Either you can figure it out or you won't, but it's good you're trying at least.  So give yourself some credit. 

Also, accept that so much of what she says when she's emotional are just empty words meant to make her feel better in the moment by blaming someone else.  She doesn't mean most of it.  And while it would be great if she didn't say those things in the first place, you still have some control in how you react.  It might be helpful to think about therapy for yourself or a local mental health group, just to have people close that can relate to this.  You have us as well, which is why I'm so glad you posted.

Let me know if any of that resonates!