Seperation with Quiet BPD partner with extreme event.

[jack123aa]

I lived with a quiet BPD partner for 10 years, and about a month ago, after a major argument, we separated.

I met her 10 years ago, when I was 28 and she was 19. Not long after we started dating, she became pregnant with our first child. Because I loved her, I decided that we would have the baby and build a family together.

Before she met me, she often spoke badly about her ex-boyfriend. She said that when they broke up, he tried to take his own life, and at the time I wondered why things had gone that far. She had also had quite a few relationships for someone who was only 19, and she often said that if someone wronged her once, she would never forget it and would completely cut that person off. I thought she was still young and maybe that was just how she was at the time, but I never imagined that it would eventually lead to such a tragedy.

After our first child was born and began growing up, I saw my wife neglect our child and, at times, handle her very harshly. She would place the child on the bed almost as if throwing her down. Once, when our child was running away, she threw a toy at her, hitting her and causing a cut under her nose that bled. Another time, she pushed the child into a door and our child’s head was cut and bleeding. There were actions that felt close to abuse.

I could not understand my wife’s behaviour, so I asked her why she was acting that way. She said things I could not understand, such as that she could not understand the unconditional love of a parent, and that she could not feel a bond with her daughter.

Then one day, I saw my wife self-harming with a knife alone in the bathroom. Later, when I felt I could no longer continue and decided to separate from her, she began threatening suicide. At one point, she tried to take her own life by taking my antidepressant medication, so I took her to the emergency department. There, a doctor told us that she had BPD.

That was when I realised that my wife had borderline personality disorder. But by then, 10 years had already passed, and our second child had already been born.

After that, many pieces of the puzzle slowly began to fit together: her lack of financial awareness, impulsive and risky choices, dangerous driving, and many other signs that seemed consistent with BPD.

Because of the repeated suicide threats, the ongoing neglect and mistreatment of the children, and the constant broken promises, I became financially and mentally exhausted. During one argument, I lost control just once and used violence. I was arrested by the police, and the children left with her.

I became a family violence offender. Now I cannot see my children, and I have to rebuild my life from a completely broken place at the age of 38.

Less than one month after our separation, she is already looking for someone else to date.

I am struggling every single day, not knowing what will happen to my children, what I should do, or whether I will ever be able to care for them again in this completely broken life.

[wantmorepeace]

I am so sorry.  This is not an area in which I have any knowledge or experience to share.  But I can offer sympathy.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to BPD Family.  We do understand what you've had to deal with for so many years.  You will find excellent peer support here in the weeks, months and years to come.

My first thought is that all is not lost.  Yes, you're at a distinct disadvantage as a parent, but recovery after all this is still possible.  We've walked in your shoes, "been there, done that" and hope is not lost.

Have you sought help with local resources such as legal representation with an experienced family law attorney, or if necessary a criminal lawyer?  I recall my divorce lawyer stated his first task was to sit on his new clients... so they would not say anything without his approval so his work was not made more difficult than it already was.  He always said you have the right to remain silent, you do not have to testify against yourself.

It sounds like the separation is quite recent.  Do you have a protection or stay-away order filed against you?  If so, is it still pending without a final ruling?  You need legal guidance to minimize the risk to your parenting.

Is reconciliation a possibility?  Reconciling with your spouse and dropping the recent incident would not mean you could never separate in a future separation or divorce.

You are also encouraged to seek local therapy.  (My lawyer always said, "Courts love counseling!")  Having an expert assist in resolving the relationship issues in your family is always a good thing.

• ... for yourself
• ... for the children (surely they have been impacted by living in a dysfunctional home)
• ... for your spouse (although she is likely to reject therapy since many people with BPD have extreme levels of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting)

While we are neither lawyers nor counselors - we are peer support - we have a wealth of collective experience and are here to share however we can help.

[ForeverDad]

Let me share what happened in my case, though the genders were switched so I admit it is not an exact match to your situation.

My ex was arrested after a particularly extreme ragefest.  I had called the police and they initially asked me to "step away".  My preschooler was in my arms and refused to go to his mother.  They left and after I downloaded my recording of the incident, I made a police report and she was arrested for Threat of DV.  Yes, there was no overt violence as in your case.  But after a few months of continuance her case was dismissed.

Here's what happened when she was released... she promptly went to family court and sought protection from me for herself and our preschooler.  This was when I had just been granted a temporary protection order from her!  Unbelievably to me, family court granted her temp custody and majority parenting time.  I was stunned.  What world was I living in?  I had a temp protection order!

My point is this:  My court viewed a spouse's behavior as separate from a parent's behavior, almost as though two separate people, as nonsensical as that sounds.  All I'm saying is that once there is a review of the family dynamic, your role as parent is not as hopeless as you feel right now.

[jack123aa]

Thank you for your response.

I am currently under a police FVIO, so I am not allowed to contact my ex-wife or my children at all. My ex-wife has also blocked me on all social media and every form of communication.

Despite 10 years of repeated suicidal threats and her BPD diagnosis, her family either does not know about this history or chooses to ignore it. Instead, they have framed me as a domestic violence perpetrator, while my ex-wife has hidden behind the title of a poor victim.

My biggest concern is whether my children will be able to grow up safely and well under the care of a mother with BPD. Her family lives in another state, far away from where I am, which makes it even more difficult for me to see my children.

It is deeply shocking to me that the woman I lived with for 10 years could suddenly damage my reputation so severely, completely cut off all contact, and disappear from my life in this way.

I now believe that reconciliation is not something I should pursue. My ex-wife showed no genuine willingness to seek treatment for her BPD over the past 10 years, and now she also carries the title of a family violence victim. For my own safety, I believe it would not be wise for me to reunite with her.

[ForeverDad]

Okay, you are past one hurdle already... you've concluded there is no expectation for reconciliation in the future.  With that addressed, the priorities now come down to you (1) as a reasonably normal individual and (2) as a father.

You are "currently under a police FVIO".  My guess is that it is temporary and not a "final" order or decision.  It is vital that you don't acquiesce or give up.  It always looks bad and devastating at the start but the reality is that if it has reached a court there are several steps involved.  Each time the other side tries to get you to admit guilt or to agree to "anger management" which in itself is a sort of admission of some culpability, it is up to you to defend yourself.

While you may not be 100% innocent, there are mitigating circumstances due to your spouse's history of conflict, rants and rages, not to mention suicide threats.  Do you have any documentation or witnesses to her poor behavior?

While young children cannot be directly interviewed ("in camera" appearances in court) they can have their own legal representation assigned, known as Guardian ad Litem (GAL).  The GAL would represent the children's interests, not you or your partner.  You may have to ask for a GAL, just be aware that not just any GAL may be helpful, find one respected as unbiased and experienced by the court and other associated experts.  The GAL can recommend to the court what they observe and recommend to the court that the children receive their own counseling.

I don't know which precise process or court you're in but likely a good step for you to take is one all family court cases start their parents with... parenting classes.  If you get a good start at that, it gets you on the right track.  And of course getting some level of legal guidance so you don't make the common clueless mistakes many here did when they first encountered the legal arm of the law.

We know you're concerned for your children, that they may have extended time with their problematic mother.  All of us parents whose adult relationships failed have faced that, you're not alone.  One good thing is that courts have a general mandate to try to enable parental relationships with their children.  So a good perspective is that while the court may defend the "victim", they also should (hopefully) consider the circumstances leading up to the incident.  This is where your legal defense can properly clarify that this was a reaction to repeated long term goading and without a previous pattern.  That separation is a good outcome to avoid future conflict.

Your ex may allege you've been abusive to the children too.  That's common too.  The court may order you, as the alleged perpetrator, to take a "Psych Eval" or other assessment processes.  If at all possible request that any investigative orders include both parents.  If you have any documentation of her BPD diagnosis and history, ensure that is presented and considered too.

This is important.  Since there was NO abuse of the children on your part, the court should eventually conclude the children are safe with you.  If this process has not already started, you should NOT let matters sit overlong with their mother in unchallenged total possession.  You have rights as a father which are up to you to defend.

In my case, my spouse was facing Threat of DV charge but gained temporary custody and temporary majority parenting from my family court which defaulted to preference for mothers.  At the end of the divorce, after cursory Psych Evals and an in-depth Custody Evaluation, I walked out with shared parenting and equal parenting time.  A few more years and I gained full legal guardianship.  A couple more years and I obtained majority parenting time.  Yes, it looked hopeless at first, but gradually court made positive steps for my parenting.

Remember that it is up to you to decide to remain in your children's lives.  You can fight for your rights to be a parent.  There are uncounted split families out there.  Generally, the children spend time with both parents, using a schedule in a court order.  (see the quote below)  It is wisdom to seek as much parental time and authority from the start.  But even a lousy order can be improved upon in future years, as many here have done.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Some 40 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[zachira]

You are not alone after being treated badly by a female partner for many years, to commit an offense that would result in a conviction for domestic violence. Know that you are much more capable of rehabilitation unlike your wife. Courts look favorable on long term participation in individual therapy and groups for men convicted of domestic violence. 

[jack123aa]

Thank you for your response.

I have photos and messages that raise serious concerns about my ex-partner’s treatment of our daughter, including evidence of physical mistreatment, suicide threats, and photos/messages related to those incidents.

My ex-partner also searched for information about giving up her parental rights to our daughter, and she considered sending our daughter to boarding school. I could never understand how she could dislike her own daughter so much, and she often blamed herself by saying that she was a bad mother.

Our daughter was slapped and mistreated by her mother on multiple occasions. As a result, I began to see our daughter copying that behaviour towards her younger sister by slapping and bullying her. Watching this happen broke my heart. Whenever I told my ex-partner to stop treating our daughter that way, she did not listen, and the mistreatment continued.

There was also an incident where my ex-partner spent so much time getting herself ready in the morning that our daughter became late for school. She then became angry at our daughter and pushed her into a door, causing our daughter to hit her head and bleed.

I also observed a very unhappy and repeated pattern within my ex-partner’s family. Many of the women in her family had experienced multiple divorces, and there were situations involving husbands having affairs or maintaining two families. My ex-partner told her family that I was a violent and bad person, and that this was the reason she became the way she was. She also blamed our daughter’s behaviour on me. As a result, her mother also joined in criticising and blaming our daughter.

My ex-partner did not allow me to tell her family what was really happening. She threatened to kill herself if I spoke to them about the truth. I became increasingly trapped and isolated, unable to seek help from anyone.

When her suicide threats became more serious, I called the police. However, I felt that because she was a woman, the police did not take meaningful action and simply left the situation unresolved. I also took her to the emergency department after a suicide attempt, but she refused follow-up mental health treatment. Over the years, I asked her many times to seek counselling or psychiatric help, but in ten years she never received proper treatment.

Whenever I tried to talk to her seriously and resolve our issues, she would change the subject and never truly open up about what was going on inside. Looking back, it felt as though she interpreted everything only through her own emotions and was unable to accept the overall reality of the situation.

We kept fighting about the same problems over and over again. I became increasingly exhausted, stressed, and emotionally overwhelmed by her emotional ups and downs. Over time, I felt like I was losing myself.

After COVID, our financial situation became worse. I suggested that she find work, but she refused. Although she was capable of working, she did not make serious efforts to find a job. Because of this, I ended up doing physical labour instead, and I was injured. I now have a disability.

While I was doing physical work, I trusted her to manage my business, but she did not manage it properly. As a result, I have now lost my business and I am facing bankruptcy.

I have lost my family, my business, and my health. At the age of 38, I am now living with a disability and trying to rebuild my life by preparing for a new career. Every day, I am trying to stay strong and keep going. I am going through a very dark and painful tunnel, but I am choosing to stay alive because I want to return to my children one day.

I am extremely worried about how my children will live under the influence of my ex-partner’s family. From what I observed, her family background involved repeated patterns of poverty, unstable relationships, exploitation, sham marriages for visa purposes, marriages to much older men for immigration purposes, divorces, and children suffering mental health issues afterwards.

The more I think about it every day, the more painful and heartbreaking it becomes. Whenever I raised these concerns, her mother dismissed them and said that her daughter was still better than someone addicted to drugs or gambling, and that there was no real problem. They believe that my ex-partner became this way because I mistreated her.

However, my ex-partner had a history of self-harm and suicide threats even before she met me, including threatening suicide when previous relationships ended.

I now feel trapped in complete darkness. I do not know what I should do next, or how I am supposed to keep living through all of this.

[ForeverDad]

I now feel trapped in complete darkness. I do not know what I should do next, or how I am supposed to keep living through all of this.

The distress you feel is precisely why this site exists.  We too have "been there, experienced that".

Read again the responses to this thread, there are clear options and steps for you to consider.

You are in clear need of local support too.  Seek help from local counselors or therapists.  If you feel you can't afford professional help, ask them if they have a sliding scale for persons who have limited resources.  You can get through this dark time!

[Notwendy]

I have lost my family, my business, and my health. At the age of 38, I am now living with a disability and trying to rebuild my life by preparing for a new career. Every day, I am trying to stay strong and keep going. I am going through a very dark and painful tunnel, but I am choosing to stay alive because I want to return to my children one day.

I do not know what I should do next, or how I am supposed to keep living through all of this.

I have highlighted the parts that, I think are important for you to do, based on my own experiences with my own BPD mother. My parents didn't separate, and so I stayed with both of them, and even in this situation, experienced some of the things your children have with their mother, including being blamed for things, her self harm threats and attempts and the financial strains.

It isn't possible to predict how a child will turn out, but just as your worries are one possibility, the future isn't predictable. It doesn't sound like you ex is a cabable mother. She may not be able to sustain parenthood. She may actually give up parenting at some point, and IMHO- that may hurt their feelings in the moment but in the long run, may be a good thing- if you are there as the stable parent.

In your current situation, there's nothing you can do to act on your ex and this situation but what you can do is to get yourself to a better place and position to be the stable father in their lives. And as someone who observed my own father "lose himself" in this kind of relationship- I would implore you to do this- for you and for the sake of your kids- when and if ( and I think once you get to a good place- it's a when), they can have a relationship with you.

Keep living for you, because the better you are for you, the better you are for them and anyone else. Your kids need you to be the best you can be, and for you to have happiness and stability. You are not replacable to them, no matter what your ex says or does.

I agree with FD to get counseling- many here have needed it, and it does help. The new job training is excellent. Also your physical health- do the medical steps to be at your best, so you feel at your best. Keep your own behavioral slate clean- no conflict with the law, no substances, no other romantic partners, and take any recommended parenting/anger management classes needed for a parental reunification. Your record of stability will stand in contrast to your ex's behavior in the legal arena when that time may come.



 

[zachira]

It sounds like you have hit rock bottom. The advantage of hitting rock bottom can be that you likely have not anywhere to go but up. It can be one step ahead at a time with some regression from time to time yet eventually you will be getting ahead if you keep working on improving your self esteem and taking positive steps forward. Do read other threads on this site, as many members have been in similar situations like yours and are now in much better situations.

[ForeverDad]

In addition to counseling- I also did this since college, I found ACA groups and CODA groups helped me to let go of some of the feelings of being responsible for our disordered family members.

[Notwendy]

This is correct- as children growing up with a BPD parent, it has an effect, and yet, how much of one can vary, and other factors can help to mitigate the effects- maybe not completely eliminate them but mitigate.

One is to have a stable parent, and this can be a challenge as being a partner to a pwBPD can have unique demands and each situation- remaining together or to not be- still has some challenges with regards to parenting.

This is why taking care of yourself - will help you and your children. It may feel counterintutive- as if you should sacrifice your needs for them and in some ways, parenting requires this - for instance, we give up our sleep to get up with a crying baby- but also to balance this with rest, because a chronically stressed and exhausted parent may not be fully emotionally present for the child. On a plane, they say put your oxygen mask on first.

While in the moment, your situation feels like a catastrophe, it's also a situation where you can focus on yourself and your own emotional and financial recovery- and so be in a position to gain back parental rights. What is good for you at the moment is also going to be good for your kids. You are truly worth this investment in yourself, and so are they. Yes, we kids have had a lot of counseling but- we also had stable adults in our lives and I believe that made a positive difference. You can make a difference.

[ForeverDad]

Can you do a bit of multitasking?  That is, can you focus on recovery for yourself as well as also restoring your parenting?

The reason I don't want you to retreat from parenting is because the longer the children are apart from you, the harder it will be for you to get a good parenting schedule from the court.  As I wrote before, you want as good as possible a parenting time schedule in your earliest orders.  Once a lousy order is in place it's much harder for a father to undo it.

Back to my experience... Though my newly separated spouse was facing a Threat of DV case in one court she rushed to family court to file a petition for a protection order to block my parenting.  So for two weeks I had no contact whatsoever with my preschooler until we appeared for a joint hearing with the magistrate.  The CPS investigator briefly interviewed me and he stood up in court and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  The magistrate promptly removed our son from her protection petition and set a parenting schedule.  Unfortunately, he used their typical mother-friendly format where I only got alternate weekends and an evening in between.  I lived with that order until the divorce's final decree.  Each time I returned to court, my order got better until finally we had an order that worked (8 years later).

That's why I encourage you to not neglect restoring your parenting time.  Apparently you don't have any orders respecting the children and parenting, right?  Well, lacking a court order specifying a schedule, you're probably stuck in a no-man's land where you have "equal but undefined" rights as a parent.  If your ex opposes you having time with the kids - she will likely be uncooperative since you have a no contact order - then the police will step back and tell you to go to court to get a specific parenting time order.  Be patient - use that time to work on yourself - while the court starts that slow process.

Remember, you cannot contact her in any way while that FVIO is in effect.  However, if you have a lawyer or advocate, they can do what you're unable to do.  And in the hearing room before "peace officers" or the judge, they may relay your request for time with the kids.

[CC43]

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry for your predicament.  I hope you can find some solace here.

It's unfortunate that you had a single violent episode and that you're separated from your kids right now.  In my extended family, my undiagnosed NPD brother-in-law violently attacked his wife (my sister), which resulted in police intervention and a restraining order.  My sister was so distraught and overcome by years-long tensions with his NPD dysfunction that immediately after the fight, she fled the marital home with her three young children.  Like a prior poster wrote, since the physical violence was not directed towards the kids, the disordered NPD father was eventually allowed parenting time with his children.  This is despite the fact that he made zero effort to see them or communicate with them (for example by phone or Zoom) for months after the restraining order lapsed.  In other words, it seems that one violent episode between adults does not necessarily impact parental rights.  I think that's because courts generally view that both parents are important for a child's development, and the guiding principle is the "best interests of the child."

My advice?  Unless you are expressly prohibited from communicating with your ex or from seeing the children, you can start working now to have the opportunity to see them again.  I'd say you should consult a lawyer about this.  Maybe you do some therapy.  Maybe you take a parenting skills class.  You start making efforts to see your kids again.  You have parental rights, after all.

And now more about you.  Many people who are here, are here because they have been traumatized by living with someone with BPD.  We get it.  We've been emotionally exhausted, confused, financially drained, controlled, isolated, blamed, manipulated, abused.  It's hard for the outside world to understand how perverse the BPD/NPD behaviors can be.  You might wonder, how can a physically smaller female terrorize you so much?  You might have some PTSD.  You might start to doubt yourself.  You wonder, how did you get here, how did you let this happen to yourself?  My advice is, don't beat yourself up too much.  You start to take care of yourself, and that starts TODAY, with a baby step.  You deserve to be happy, you are worth it.  And your kids need you, probably more than ever.  Your life isn't over.  In fact, there's a good chance your life will get better, maybe much more so, now that you're facing an inflection point.

What does self-care look like?  I think it depends on the person.  For me, it involves a combination of eating right, regular exercise (ideally outdoors), regular sleep and some time with friends and hobbies.  When I was living with my disordered pwBPD, I took many walks, just to keep calm, get some distance and help clear my head.  I have a few friends who are impacted by mental illness in loved ones, and they have been a great support to me at different times.  This community helps, too.

I'd recommend to start with just one baby step today.  Maybe you start the day with a nutritious breakfast.  Maybe you do a set of push-ups, sit-ups and lunges in the morning.  Maybe you make the bed.  Maybe you drink a tall glass of water in the morning sunshine.  Maybe you take a short stroll after breakfast and dinner.  Does that sound doable?  

[Pook075]

While you've received some great advice on the marriage/divorce/custody stuff, I want to take a different approach and focus solely on you for a moment.  What's best for Jack today?

You might say, to have your kids back.  Okay, I completely understand...but that's not in the card for today.  That's not a possibility until you go through several additional steps mandated by the courts.  So that's not where we start or devote all our energy.  What's actually best for Jack today?

In my opinion, you need work and you need a stable home.  There's no way to eventually get the kids back without those two things.  You also need to deal with the trama you've gone through and learn from it so history never repeats itself.

It's easy to see yourself as a victim and the stuff that happened is terrible.  That's all past tense though and we can't change any of it, so it shouldn't be your focus.  All you can actually do is focus on what's best for Jack today.

Therapy, work, stable home.  Those should be the top three priorities.  Everything else is just pulling you away from those three things that will eventually bring your children back.  Hopefully that makes sense.

[jack123aa]

Thank you for your responses.

I am now focusing on fixing, one by one, the life that my ex left in ruins.

Even when I injured my back and was limping with my leg, she saw going to the hospital with me and supporting me through my pain as a burden. She told me, “I didn’t sign up for this.” When I asked about why the business was being run so poorly, she said it was because she did not want to do hard work.

I still cannot understand how someone could be so selfish and self-centred. At times, I even wondered whether she had any compassion or consideration for other people at all. But I have decided to stop searching for that answer. Deep in my heart, I already know the answer. I have now given up expecting anything from her, or hoping that she will ever understand me.

Because we have children together, I have no choice but to remain connected to her in some way, and that feels miserable. When I think about my children growing up under her care, my heart breaks.

Because of one final mistake, I lost my children, and now I am labelled as a family violence offender. No one listens to my side of the story. Even my psychologist treats me like a criminal.

But I will carry this weight and survive. I will find a new career. I will get through bankruptcy. I will heal my leg. I will never again allow myself to be placed in this kind of danger. For the happiness of my children, I will keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Watching the YouTube videos from @bpdbreakupcodependencyrecovery has helped me understand things more deeply. I am going to break free from this and begin a new life.

[Notwendy]

Even when I injured my back and was limping with my leg, she saw going to the hospital with me and supporting me through my pain as a burden. She told me, “I didn’t sign up for this.” When I asked about why the business was being run so poorly, she said it was because she did not want to do hard work.

This is probably a most honest statement. She says she didn't sign up for anything difficult, she doesn't want to do it. I like the quote from Maya Angelou "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

But you know that this isn't real life- there are good and easy things, and there are those that take effort, and that her wish, to not do anything that takes work, isn't realistic. It may work when someone else is carrying that for her- but even so, the other person is human too and may have their own limits to how much they do that.

Which is why I think she also won't want to do the work of parenting over time. Young children are more easily controlled and compliant. Older kids can be challenging, even well behaved ones assert their autonomy. Children also are a source of great happiness too- but they require time and caretaking- something that doesn't seem to suit your ex. You've seen this already.

My BPD mother was similar to your ex in that she couldn't manage the work of day to day tasks, which included parenting. Other people stepped in and did this. While it seemed odd to me at the time that she wasn't doing the things I saw other mothers do, I am now grateful for that. If your ex is near her family, it's possible they are stepping in to help- and that could be a good thing. Not everyone in a family has BPD and it's possible they are more competent.

I saw something similar to what happened when you hurt yourself with my father, who had been her enabler/caretaker. PwBPD perceive themselves as victims, and so other people in their world are either rescuers (helpers to them) and if they are not- they are persecutors (hurting them) (look up Karpman triangle).

When my father got ill in his elder years, he wasn't able to keep up the level of caretaking/enabling. He also needed care at the time. This was a "reversal" of the usual dynamics between them. While one would expect understanding and empathy for a spouse in this situation, the opposite happened.

This doesn't exuse it- but it hopefully will help you to see this as not as personal to you. Underneath this refusal to help, this cold, cruel, veneer, is a very disturbed person, someone overcome with their own emotional distress.

You've found this out now, and now you can rebuild your life and I encourage you to do so. You are not responsible for your ex's feelings and you didn't cause her BPD. If she's already seeking someone to date- it's due to her own emotional need for someone to be an emotional caretaker to her, not about you. That person may be idealized at first- but will also experience the same person you did.

Don't try to figure her out- it's not possible to know all that someone else is thinking or feeling. I think refocususing on rebuilding your life is a good thing- for you and also for your children. I agree with FD to consult an attorney about your parenting rights. You may be tight on funds at the moment but it's worth the cost of the consultation to know what to do. If there are parenting classes, anger management classes that are required for unification- it is in your favor to do them as having completed them will stand as evidence.

I know you are scared for your children but I think consulting an attorney will give you a solid path to follow to regain your rights. I think FD makes a good point that sooner is better than later.

[jack123aa]

Thank you for your response.

After studying a lot about BPD and living with her for ten years, I feel like I can clearly see what is going to happen. She is already looking for someone to date. I suppose she is trying to find a new “favorite person” to fill the emptiness inside her. And then the cycle will repeat again.

When I see that, less than a month after everything happened, the mother of my two daughters is already looking for someone to date online, it breaks my heart and makes me wonder what I was doing for the past ten years.

As time passes, everything will probably unfold exactly as I expect. But the waiting feels painfully long. It feels like watching a movie when you already know the ending. In two months, three months, maybe by September, everything will likely happen the way I imagined.

It is extremely painful, but it is also strange how closely everything seems to follow the same pattern as so many BPD stories I have read. Sometimes she feels almost like a demon to me.

I know I need to take this pain as a lesson and start a new life, but this early stage is unbearably painful.

[CC43]

But you know that this isn't real life- there are good and easy things, and there are those that take effort, and that her wish, to not do anything that takes work, isn't realistic. It may work when someone else is carrying that for her- but even so, the other person is human too and may have their own limits to how much they do that.

I agree 1000%.  On this site, I've posted numerous times how I think a victim attitude is the worst part of BPD.  But in a close second comes unrealistic expectations in my opinion.  The pwBPD in my life holds other people to impossible standards, which sets herself up for constant disappointment.  It's strange that she doesn't seem to hold herself to the same standards, but this is when she calls on her victim narrative to serve as an excuse.  Generally speaking, I think she holds somewhat "delusional" beliefs about what her life should look like.  That includes being taken care of by other people.  She THINKS she's looking for a spouse, but I think what she's really looking is a fantasy Prince Charming, to sweep her off her feet, adore her, treat her like a beautiful princess and lavish her with gifts and spending money.  But that's fantasy, not reality.  Spouses generally have to work to earn a living, and do all sorts of things they don't want to do--clean toilets, get dinner, fix appliances, save money for a rainy day--which "detract" from the fantasy.  And let's face it, people can have bad days, get sick, feel exhausted after a long day's work.  Maybe they are snippy sometimes.  Maybe they need some TLC, or at least be cut a little slack, such as when they are ill, have been injured or have suffered a death in the family.  Normal spouses understand that, but I don't think pwBPD do.  They think they have empathy, but in reality, I think they don't take anyone else's feelings into account, not even their own children's.  They have all sorts of impossible expectations of others, but very low standards for themselves.

And so I think it's logical that your ex will try to find someone else right away.  She's hidebound by her delusional thinking and low functioning, and my guess is she'll tell every potential suitor how horrible you were, just to get sympathy and attention.  She might finds someone to "rescue" her.  But really she needs somebody to take care of her (at least that's my guess).  Maybe her family will, maybe a boyfriend will.  Was she low functioning in your marriage?  Did she not pull her weight in the household or with parenting duties?  Did she overspend?  Those are classic BPD issues.  I'd say, try not to take what she does so personally.  I know it's hard, but if you spend some time reading here, I think you'll see there are classic BPD patterns that have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with delusional thinking and BPD acting out.

You control you.  You can't control your ex.  You focus on making a life for yourself and your kids.  You and your kids deserve that.

All the best to you.  Hang in there, you've got this.

[ForeverDad]

After studying a lot about BPD and living with her for ten years, I feel like I can clearly see what is going to happen. She is already looking for someone to date. I suppose she is trying to find a new “favorite person” to fill the emptiness inside her. And then the cycle will repeat again.

When I see that, less than a month after everything happened, the mother of my two daughters is already looking for someone to date online, it breaks my heart and makes me wonder what I was doing for the past ten years.

If she is distracted by seeking a new "rescuer", this may be a strategic time (or window of opportunity) to determine whether you can undo some of the legal damage she has done to you... while her focus is elsewhere.

Ponder that...