Anyone else feel this?

[needsupport33]

 

I'm not sure if anybody else experience is this post break up. I'm having two sets of intrusive memories that are happening about the relationship.

The first set of memories are the run-of-the-mill negative memories that come when I see an object, or a smell, or anything that triggers a memory of something traumatic.

The second set of memories are the positive ones. If I'm being honest, and I don't know if anyone else experienced this at all, these are much more bothersome. When I think about a year ago to a good day or even back to the beginning of the relationship, I get this very haunted feeling. Haunted is the only word I can use to describe it. It's almost ethereal. In some ways, I can say it's the memory of her in those moments, almost like she is a ghost...of course that seems fairly straightforward because in a lot of ways the person she was is a ghost/gone currently.

I think in some other ways, it's the fact that those memories just don't make sense in the grand scheme of things. It's like, there's no way those good times should've happened or could've been genuine with the way things were otherwise. And my brain is just haunted by the lack of sense of it all? In some other ways, it feels like the ghost of her in those good moments is going to haunt my mind forever. I think that's the worst feeling.

I want this to pass so badly.

[hotchip]

Hi needsupport,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Congratulations on finding the strength you needed to leave an abusive relationship (I read a few of your previous posts).

I relate to what you have described very much - the cognitive dissonance of something you experienced which was real, felt real, you were there - there was a person you knew, or thought you knew, there are memories. Juxtaposed with the other memories and pieces of information about this person which show that what you thought was happening, wasn't happening. Or if it was, the person who existed then just doesn't exist now.   

I have had something similar lately. Not exactly the same, but when good things happen in my life - and in particular, one very good and big adventure coming up - I remember how this was an experience and adventure that uBPDx and I planned to share together. Now it's becoming a reality, but just for me. There is a confusing feeling because I am not sure who it actually was who planned to share the adventure - likely it was just mirroring. It's a double ghost - the ghost of the shared plans I thought we were going to enact together, and the ghost of the person who I thought was with me, making the plans. I described it a bit a month ago, here.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3062439.0

I want this to pass for you, and I think it will. Based on your previous posts, you've already been through so much and grown so much. You took the right steps for you and your children and this internet stranger is proud of you.

[needsupport33]

I really appreciate the reply - and I read your post and that resonates ALOT with me. Thank you so much for sharing that.

I just started sobbing crying when you said you were proud of me. Thank you.

[Pook075]

I've experienced this but for me it was a little different, maybe because this was a 25+ year relationship across dating and marriage.  There was so much trauma that I simply forgot about...erased from my mind entirely...that came back maybe 2 years post-breakup.  One was being screamed at while I was having a panic attack.  She was so mad at me over whatever, she couldn't even recognize that I was about to pass out from hyperventilating.  How does someone forget that?!?  But i did for almost two decades.

The good memories stung at first and made me question if there's still hope, still reason to hold on a little longer.  Those lasted for almost two years and I second-guessed so much.  But in time, I gained clarity that the abuse, inability to communicate, and her constant absence in my life far outweighed any of the positive memories.

Today, I can remember something positive and smile.  My mind has figured out how to separate the memory from my ex though, and I can clearly see that it would have been a great memory regardless who I was with.  In other words, it wasn't so special because my ex went out of her way for me in some super-meaningful way.

Maybe that helps?  I still don't understand so much of how the mind works with memories.