Anxiety mounts as contact nears

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I took some time for myself and now I’m getting ready to reconnect with my sibling (ubpd).  I can’t believe how my anxiety has shot up — and now it’s gotten into a darned if you do, darned if you don’t thing. I’m
Anxious whatever I think of doing. Thinking a lot about NotWendy’s analogy of fearing the bear in the cave. I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

[wantmorepeace]

I took some time for myself and now I’m getting ready to reconnect with my sibling (ubpd).  I can’t believe how my anxiety has shot up — and now it’s gotten into a darned if you do, darned if you don’t thing. I’m
Anxious whatever I think of doing. Thinking a lot about NotWendy’s analogy of fearing the bear in the cave. I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

[Pook075]

I took some time for myself and now I’m getting ready to reconnect with my sibling (ubpd).  I can’t believe how my anxiety has shot up — and now it’s gotten into a darned if you do, darned if you don’t thing. I’m
Anxious whatever I think of doing. Thinking a lot about NotWendy’s analogy of fearing the bear in the cave. I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

What specifically are you anxious about?

I understand how you feel and I've been there, but still...try to answer the question.  This helped me get rid of the anxiety.

You might say, I'm worried about what my sibling might say or do.  I'm worried about what they might tell others.  I'm worried it will all be a disaster if I go through with this.

All valid points.  But not a single one of those things are within your control.  You can't prepare for them and you'll have to make a decision once you're there- do you try to work through it or leave? 

That's what you can control and what you can prepare for.  If it gets ugly, walk away.  Then it's not ugly anymore.  If your phone blows up, turn it off and go back to temporary no-contact.  Then that's not ugly anymore either.  Prepare for and focus on the parts that you can actually control.

Again, I completely understand since I spent too many years of my life doing the exact same thing.  Once I shifted my focus though and thought about what I'm actually in control of, how I'll handle things, it put the power back in my hands to accept or reject the abusive behavior.

[wantmorepeace]

This makes a lot of sense.  I think what I"m most afraid of is that she'll be angry and I'll get a million nasty texts, calls, emails.I'll lose it and won't be able to function -- and I have a job to do and people I don't want to worry about me.

And I'm afraid that she'll cry and be sad. 

[zachira]

Reconnecting can still be low contact. How do you plan to do so? Having a third party make the initial contact and with you if you intend to see her in person, could be safer and less stressful. People with BPD tend to behave better with other people whom they are not so invested in projecting their overwhelming emotions on.

I have a disordered sibling. I have a relative who helped set up a visit and went with me. It made a world of difference.

[wantmorepeace]

Oh, Zachira!  That's such a good idea.  My sibling lives several hours away and does not accept that she has any issue.  I also can't think of anybody who could play that role. If you have any alternative thoughts, I would welcome.

I do like keeping in mind that this doesn't have to mean going back to full-strength contact.  I was thinking of just texting and saying I'd like to check in and asking her if there is a time that would work for her.  What do you think?

[zachira]

A relative who lives far away contacted my disordered sibling to see when we could meet and then when he came to town, we went to see my sibling together.

Is there any person who could contact your sister even though that person lives far away from her just to get a feel for how it might go if you contacted your sister?

[CC43]

I think I’m going to text and say I’d like to check in and ask to set a time to do that. But I won’t do anything until this anxiety subsides some!

Hi there,

I totally get where you're coming from--just thinking about interacting with your pwBPD raises your anxiety level by an order of magnitude.  That suggests to me that maybe you need a little more time for no contact.  You could give yourself an excuse--you want to enjoy the summer, maybe the first one you've enjoyed in a long time.  If your sibling complains, there's your excuse:  you had a ton of fun this summer, and it flew by, you didn't realize how long it had been since you last spoke.

However, if you're determined to resume contact, my question is, do you need to rush into a one-on-one, live conversation?  Maybe you could start with something less intense--like a low-stakes text (Saw this and thought of you . . . hope you are well).  Maybe send a snapshot of a summer activity.  The hope is that she'll give it a thumbs up, and maybe share a similar picture herself.  I do that sort of thing with my siblings all the time--texting a snapshot of the beach, a weekend event, a critter in my yard--and they'll typically reply in a similar fashion.  How your sibling responds (in kind / with approval vs. a torrent of unrelated accusations and complaints vs. no response at all / blocking) will tell you if your sibling is ready for any sort of civil contact and reconciliation.  Think of it as dipping your toe into the water; if it's too cold, you can turn around and wait until it warms up a little, and then dip your toe in again.  How does that sound?

[CC43]

P.S.

I reread your post and wasn't sure if you were contemplating a phone call or meeting in person.  Since your sibling lives several hours away, I think I'd avoid any onerous travel requiring an "investment" of your time and money, because chances are, you might be disappointed.  I was thinking more in terms of a phone call.  My feeling is that you might have better luck meeting up with your sibling at a larger family event, such as a holiday dinner, where there will be a "buffer" of other people.  That way, your "investment" in travel won't be squandered if you and your sibling don't get along, because you will have spent time with your other relatives.  In addition, given the "buffer" of other people, chances are that your sibling will be on her best behavior--unless she is totally disordered and has meltdowns in front of the entire family.

If you were to meet in person, one-on-one, my suggestion would be to meet somewhere in the middle.  Why?  You won't be "invading" your sibling on "her turf."  You both make some effort to travel half way, making the reconciliation more "even."  If you are in a public place (a cafe, park, nail bar), chances are your sibling will be on her best behavior.  And you both have an easy exit if things go awry.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I'm weird, but I might propose an activity-based meet-up, as simple as a walk in a park.  I think there's something about walking side-by-side that makes the conversation flow a little easier, and it's OK to be silent for a while, too--there are all sorts of things to look at.  If the walk goes well, you can grab lunch or a coffee at a cafe, or make a little picnic. 

[Notwendy]

Hi there,

However, if you're determined to resume contact, my question is, do you need to rush into a one-on-one, live conversation?  Maybe you could start with something less intense--like a low-stakes text Think of it as dipping your toe into the water; if it's too cold, you can turn around and wait until it warms up a little, and then dip your toe in again.  How does that sound?

I was going to suggest this too.

Although visiting BPD mother was not easy, and I'd have some anxiety about it, BPD mother would hold it together when others were around. Behind closed doors, where others couldn't see was a different situation.

Like you, there was a sort of moral dilemma. To be NC with my mother- then an elderly widow, felt wrong. We would feel anxious about visits, even speaking to her on the phone sometimes. So how to manage this?

Visit with someone else along too, so we weren't alone- we felt safer, she was more likely to hold it together. But not a large group either- she felt anxious at larger get togethers. If this isn't possible- meet away from home, shorter visits.

Have an activity outside the house- go to lunch, or coffee. Avoid being alone in the house, or at least not long visits.

She lived at a distance so staying in a hotel gave us a safe space and we found it was less disruptive to her. She liked to have things a certain way at home and so staying there was a change for her.

She may start an emotional conversation. If you can listen, then OK. This is not reciprocal. Don't add your feelings to it. If it's too much, then end the discussion or find a way to leave. Expect to be blamed for whatever led to NC. Do not expect closure or accountability. If it were to happen- great-but realistically- not likely-  don't have expectations.

She may be triggered to vent to you. People in the closest position to the pwBPD may be the ones they project to. Have a plan for how to manage this for yourself. She will do/say what she does.

Moral support- have a therapist, a friend, someone you can call and talk to about the visit.

When you get home or after the call- elsf care- take walks, buy something nice to eat- do small caring things for yourself.

[Notwendy]

To add- do not bring up the past or her behavior. If she asks "why did you go NC"- don't go there. I learned that these kinds of questions were "invitations to the drama party".

Any response that suggested she did anything hurtful- she would dissociate and then all her feelings would be projected out. I won't say it was deliberate but these discussions, these "feeling dumps" - are a part of the dynamic.

I think we bring these experiences up because we think this is an opportunity for repair of the relationship- but they don't work, we end up feeling worse. The pwBPD experiences this differently. They don't see it as an attempt to repair- they feel attacked in the moment.

Keep discussions light. If she brings something up, change the subject. This isn't a satisfactory feeling, we want closure and repair but that may not be possible.

[Pook075]

To add- do not bring up the past or her behavior. If she asks "why did you go NC"- don't go there. I learned that these kinds of questions were "invitations to the drama party".

I think it's okay to go there, but you have to throw a "me-party" with your answer.

"I was in such a tough place in my life, I was struggling and stressed out and I just needed to take a step back from everything for a little while."

In other words, every word is about me and my mental health.  Nothing is about the other person.  BPD's understand mental health struggles and most of the time, they want to fix it in others because they can't fix their own stuff.  So a statement like this builds empathy and respect because it's admitting what a BPD never can say out loud.

Don't even think about mentioning the BPD in that statement though, then it brings pure wrath from all the emotions involved.  It's much better to leave that part unsaid.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you, all, for the support and the great advice.  It's all a little complicated because before the NC there was LC based on her refusal to respect my boundaries.  BUT what you have given me here, I believe, is a set of principles that I can apply to the specific situation. 

I think the key one is the "me-party" . 
      The break was because I needed it. 
       I can listen to and validate her feelings unless she's crossing my boundaries. 
       In that case, it's "I can't do this. I'm going to get off the phone. Let's talk another time."

Also, keep it light to the extent possible.

I think one of the things that's really hard is being pretty sure that she's going to start telling me a version of what happened that didn't happen.  (I know that because she's been doing it in texts.)  I can't validate untruths, but I thought I could say something like, "I know that's how you remember it.  I remember it differently but I understand why you feel the way you do since that's how you remember it."   Yes?

[Pook075]

I think one of the things that's really hard is being pretty sure that she's going to start telling me a version of what happened that didn't happen.  (I know that because she's been doing it in texts.)  I can't validate untruths, but I thought I could say something like, "I know that's how you remember it.  I remember it differently but I understand why you feel the way you do since that's how you remember it."   Yes?

Again, have another "me-party". 

"I am so sorry if that's how it came across because I'd never want to do anything to hurt anyone.  I was so overwhelmed and I was doing the best I could.  Please forgive me if that upset you."

After your "me-party", what left for the BPD to argue about?  You validated their feelings.  You apologized for hurting their feelings.  You've given them absolutely everything they wanted and you didn't say a single word about what actually happened.

Sometimes, when my BPD ex wife or BPD daughter want to argue, I'll just say, "You're absolutely right.  I should have done better back then."  And they're shocked into silence.  How can they argue?  I just agreed with everything. 

The thing I should have "done better" with was avoiding topics with mentally ill people, but there's no reason to say that.  They get what they want (validation), while I get what I want (no arguments, flaring emotions).  It's an absolute win-win.

[Year of the Goat]

"I am so sorry if that's how it came across because I'd never want to do anything to hurt anyone.  I was so overwhelmed and I was doing the best I could.  Please forgive me if that upset you."

Have you encountered a PWBPD who will react to this type of thing by deflecting or rejecting it - saying things like "stop gaslighting me," or claim that you are being insincere?

[Pook075]

Have you encountered a PWBPD who will react to this type of thing by deflecting or rejecting it - saying things like "stop gaslighting me," or claim that you are being insincere?

At times, sure.  But the reason why is what I shared over on your thread- they see everything as black/white or good/bad.

If you hate someone and think that they're out to ruin you, would one statement like that change everything?  Probably not.  But by doing it consistently over time, their thinking changes and the "switch flips" from black to white. 

It takes time and so much patience...we all fail far more than we succeed.

[Notwendy]

One of the practices suggested to me in counseling was to not say the word "you" and only use "I". It got awkward speaking that way but the idea was to think of ways to say things in that perspective, from my own side of the fence rather than to make it about the other person. In normal conversations, we have to use the word "you" sometimes but it helped to practice this.

Did I ever hear "don't patronize me" or an accusation? Yes, but using the "you" word would have escalated the situation.  Sometimes saying anything could result in an escalation. We can't control the other person. So we aren't doing this to try to do that. They will decide their own answer or reaction.

The goal for me is to keep out of the drama cycle. To the question "why did you go NC?" I could say "I needed a mental health break" and that might result in a not so kind response. But then, I don't have to react to that. The question has been answered on my part. If there's escalation, that is time to bow out of the conversation.

They may not like the answer but that's their choice.

[CC43]

Have you encountered a PWBPD who will react to this type of thing by deflecting or rejecting it - saying things like "stop gaslighting me," or claim that you are being insincere?

Absolutely, and almost guaranteed when the pwBPD is riled up.  Deflection, rejection, sarcasm (Oh right, you're sorry), bossing around (Shut the * up, I'm not finished yet, don't interrupt me!).  I think those are signs that nothing you say will make things better.  In fact, that's one of my go-to refrains, "There's nothing I can say to make it better."  That's my cue that I'm exiting the conversation and will gray rock instead.  For me, being as still and boring as a gray rock tends to work better than an apology.  Why?  I don't think they're ready for an apology when they're all riled up.  They're MAD and need to let it out in my opinion.  They don't want a dialogue, they want an outlet.

[zachira]

I would keep the contact very short and end it immediately if your sister starts to act badly.