Going NC - Questions

[Year of the Goat]

Hello. I have posted here about my sister, who had been basically normal (or at least not clinical, and able to maintain relationships without aggression) but began aggressively exhibiting BPD symptoms in her late 30s following a family tragedy.

My question is about going NC. I notice that this seems less common on this site than I would expect and would be interested in thoughts from this group.

In our situation, the whole immediate family has gone NC over the past 8 months or so.  After about 10 months of trying, with no success, to find resolution or convince her to get help or to just stop, everyone got exhausted by the abuse and also observed that it seemed like any type of feedback just added fuel to the fire.  So collectively, the immediate family stopped responding or contacting her, except on a few occasions when she expressed suicidal ideation and managed to get a reaction from her terrified family.  (Her spouse is the only one still standing - depending on the day, he totally denies anything is wrong or blames the family for destroying her.)

This was so painful, but in some ways, the break may have been cleaner than most. She has no kids and lives a few hours away from the family. She is healthy and generally high functioning.  In more recent weeks, she lashed out at people outside the immediate family or made good on repeated threats to smear immediate family members to extended family and friends, so immediate family have reached out to tell others what is going on with her. (Of course she views herself as the victim of that and believes the family is intentionally turning everyone against her.) So everyone is basically on one side - angry, sad, wishing she were better, but not interested in interacting with her until/unless she is. 

This might have been less complicated because her behavior was a new development, so there was no ingrained dynamic that involved people managing her. Also, because of how this was tied to a tragedy, it was very clear what the priorities were, and that she was undermining efforts to stabilize the affected children and hurting innocent people who were already dealing with a crisis. She doesn't look good to anyone, going after widows, older people, and children.

The most affected family member also got a protective order against her due to fear of continuing escalation, and after she made good on threats to smear that person to family and colleagues, and tried to contact the children against the parent's wishes.

While there is real concern for her physical safety, I think part of the thinking here was that funneling all this blame and aggression towards others was allowing her to avoid a breakdown, resulting from trauma and guilt from the tragedy, which needed to happen in order to get her treatment and so she could rebuild. Without anywhere for the abuse to "land," the hope (sadly) was that she would turn it inward or on her spouse, resulting in things falling apart so that there was nothing to do except get help.  And while the protective order was very much needed for protection, it also seemed like she needed a reason to stop escalating and taking destructive action. It has only been a few weeks, but so far, the legal and career repercussions of the order seem to have made an impact, and she has generally complied.

My questions for others are, what do you think about the assumptions in the prior paragraph? Have you seen going NC lead to any change in the BPD person or is it simply a way to shield and cushion others? 

If you did not go NC or were less able to "cleanly" go NC and take advantage of legal protections because doing so would jeopardize other family relationships or alienate children or an old or ill person, despite their BPD - if you could have go NC without these concerns, would you have? Or do you see a benefit in continuing to try even if it exposes you and others to abuse, fear, stress, etc.?

This group is a comfort. I have found the responses and the posts to be so thoughtful and information. Thank you.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Wow, I get the sense that when most family members come here wondering about going No Contact, they aren't usually thinking about a protective order.  That a protective order already exists for your pwBPD indicates that her behavior has become extreme and harmful.

In my opinion, getting a protective order is typically a last resort, when other modes of going NC or LC haven't worked.  Getting a protective order implies that a third party needs to be involved to enforce boundaries, i.e. the legal system and/or police.  I guess that's not uncommon, because pwBPD do not like boundaries . . . when they're not getting therapy, they have trouble getting past the past.

In my own experience, it's the pwBPD who typically initiates NC.  That's because she feels she has reached an emotional limit; my guess is that she deems her entire family to be "toxic."  In addition, her personality is avoidant in nature--think of it as a trauma-based flight response.  To avoid feelings of anxiety, she'll generally avoid other people.  She'd avoid work and school if she could, as well as life's ordinary stressors--paying bills, maintaining her car, buying insurance, whatever.  Her typical response is to avoid things until she has no other choice.  And so she'll also avoid people, by going NC, probably to avoid negative feelings associated with them.  Right now the pwBPD in my life has no contact with any members of her immediate family, of varying duration (a few years for siblings, a couple of years for her mom, a few months for her dad and me).  That means not responding to any texts or calls, let alone making a visit or sharing a meal.  Nevertheless, we keep tabs on her through her therapist.  Also, she still gets some mail at my home, which her dad will forward onto her.  We know where she lives and works, too.  That's something.  Her dad will send an occasional short message from time to time, along the lines of, "Thinking of you, hope you are well, I just mailed you some things."  I'm pretty sure he regularly gives her money via a joint account, too.  While I don't love that, because it feels like "rewarding" her for ingnoring her dad, I'm sure he does it out of genuine concern.

Yet in your case, it sounds like you are considering initiating the NC.  Typically you'd do that to protect yourself, and to reduce the drama in your life.  You should absolutely do that if you feel you need a break and time to take care of yourself.  It wouldn't have to be forever, not necessarily.  My advice?  Don't announce what you're doing if you don't have to, and certainly don't blame it on her ("I'm blocking you because of what you did").  She would take that as a hostile form of abandonment, which is a top trigger for pwBPD.  She'd think you were blaming HER, when she's convinced that YOU are to blame.  So I think it's better not to say anything at all.  That way, you don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain).  You don't use logic when your sibling is dealing with overwhelming emotions . . . she can't process logic when she's upset.  Instead, you just stop calling.  You stop texting and emailing.  You stop visiting, and you stop inviting her over.  You make different plans.  Rather than aggressively avoid her, I think you get BUSY with your life.  You're so busy and happy that the time flies, you practically forgot about your sibling's dramas.  One author here recommended something like a "slow fade."  Get busy, reduce the frequency of texts/emails, and hope your sibling starts to direct her anger elsewhere, because she's not getting the attention she craves from you.

Now, there are repercussions, especially with the extended family.  If there's a large family gathering, you might not be able to control whether you see her.  If you are committed to NC, then you might have to miss a family gathering where your sibling would be present.  That could hurt the feelings of innocent family members.  Not everyone would understand why siblings aren't talking to each other, and it might make you look bad, if they didn't know the whole story.  As for your sibling, surely she'll blame you for treating her badly, ignoring her, casting her out, alienating her or treating her like garbage.  But my guess is she already thinks you're awful; otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to get some distance from her, to protect your own well-being.

Nevertheless, I think many people here try "hybrid" approaches.  Maybe they go Low Contact, for example only engaging when the sibling is acting civilly.  The moment she acts out or broaches a negative topic, you make your exit (or disengage from any text or email chain).  Maybe you attend the major family events (weddings, Christmas), provided that there's a "buffer" of other people.  You are civil, but you don't share any personal or emotionally charged information which could be triggering.  You keep visits very brief, so your sibling isn't overwhelmed.  You never stay at her place or vice versa--you don't want to impose--you stay at a hotel, to give her space to wind down.  Your written correspondence is what you'd send to a distant cousin--Happy holidays!--nothing too personal, emotionally charged or revealing, and certainly no advice, either.  It's almost like a business relationship:  friendly but superficial, often transactional, so you can stay out of the drama.  Maybe you mourn the loss of a "normal" relationship with your sibling, as seems typical here.  But if your sibling is abusive to you and compromising your well-being, then the relationship won't be "normal" until she gets some help.  You can't change her; only she can do that.

All of the modes are contact are designed around YOU.  You can't control how your sister will act, but you can control how you relate to her.  Hope that perspective helps a little, in a very difficult situation.