Adult Daughter with BPD (as well as sister)

[Inforthelonghaul]

Hi,

My 24-year-old daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and I have resisted believing it until recently.  Because I also believe that members of family of origin would have been diagnosed with it had they ever sought treatment, I'm wondering if it is a genetic disorder.

Sometimes I need support and have nobody to turn to, so I am grateful to have finally joined here.

Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wantmorepeace]

Welcome!  This is a great place to get and give support -- often at the same time.

[CC43]

Hi Haul,

Welcome to the group.  Please feel free to read through some posts--my guess is that many themes will resonate with you.

If you care to share, what seems to be the biggest issue for you currently?  Is your daughter living with you?  Has she been school or busy with a job, even if it's only for a few days here and there?  Is she getting therapy?

Look, I understand having trouble wrapping your mind around a BPD diagnosis.  I have been similarly skeptical sometimes too.  On the one hand, your daughter was younger when she got a diagnosis, and many of the behaviors probably seemed "typical," albeit extreme, for teenagers--the impulsiveness, the entitlement, the anger, the emotional rollercoaster, the tantrums, the jealousy, the apparent "trying out" of different identities.  These are all human emotions, after all.  But my guess is that your daughter took things farther, perhaps with threats or attempts of self-harm.  That would typically land her in a hospital.

However, in an adult, I'd say these behaviors seem increasingly out of place.  Let's face it, only close family members will tolerate such erratic, extreme behavior.  And perhaps slowly but surely, your dear daughter will feel "rejected" by others, which is ironic, because what she probably wants more than anything is to feel cherished and accepted.  Has your daughter lost all her friends?  Is she discovering she's not functioning well as an emerging adult?  Is she too needy and demanding of others--for attention, affection, admiration, money, help, emotional management?  Does she lash out when her exacting needs aren't being met?  Does she self-medicate with illicit substances?  I'd say, that's all typical BPD.

It's true that the label of BPD might sound perjorative.  The way I see it though is that your daughter is probably wired to be extra sensitive, and that can be an asset sometimes.  Yet since she's so sensitive, she experiences life as a seemingly never-ending series of traumas, by things that probably wouldn't bother her peers, not nearly as much.  She has very low frustration tolerance.  She perceives social slights when none were intended.  She tends to give up way too easily.  She takes everything too personally.  She's emotionally and physically exhausted by everyday life, and she thinks it's just too overwhelming.  She hasn't learned emotional resilience yet.  She hasn't quite learned to take setbacks in stride, think things through, take things in context, have a little perspective, play the long game.  Instead, she lets her emotions overtake her, and since she experiences them intensely, they hijack her brain, and she tends to lash out or self-sabotage.  She hasn't quite figured out who she is, what she likes and where she fits in the world yet (which is normal for young adults)--but to her, it's simply unbearable.  She's SCARED, and she's deeply ashamed about it.

To cope, she turns around and blames others for all her problems.  She reinterprets the world from a victim mindset, blaming you, other family members and friends for causing all her problems.  My observation is that the farther back in history she goes, dredging up negative memories from childhood, the more scared she is of the present.  You see, it's just her way of avoiding her current problems, by blaming you for wrecking her life, while demanding retribution.  The sad part is that she's basically abdicating responsibility for herself.  It's like she didn't get the memo that adulthood is about being responsible for herself.  Or maybe she got the memo, but she crumpled it up and threw it back in your face.  Meanwhile, she demands that you continue to over-function for her.  Does that sound about right?

Anyway, welcome.  Here we emphise self-care, first and foremost.  You're not much good for your daughter if you are living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt, because it clouds your judgment.  So if that's how you're feeling, you're in good company here.  I hope we can help.

By the way, rest assured that you did NOT cause BPD in your daughter, no matter how much she tries to convince you otherwise.  Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.  Only your daughter can do that.

All the best to you.

[Inforthelonghaul]

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, the summary above is exactly what I'm dealing with.

Today, she is 24 and newly home (at her home - with a boyfriend) from a 2-week rehab.  She is intermittently motivated to work on things, and is starting 12 weeks of IOP tomorrow.  The trouble is that she doesn't have a job (she had to quit to go to the rehab and attend the IOPs.)  I have been giving her a bit of financial support, but I find myself being resentful about this so I know I need to stop.  In the meantime she is collecting more and more pets, which makes her less and less welcome in my home should she find herself needing help again.

She was living with her dad for 4 years, and only recently moved in with the boyfriend.  I fear her being left to fend for herself by her boyfriend, being forced to move in with me or my feeling like I should financially support her while she continues to flail or possibly even becomes homeless. 

This has been ongoing for many years and I know that I have likely enabled and therefore hurt her progress.  The fact that she went to rehab willingly and is in the IOPs on her own is good, but I don't want to rescue her financially.  I want her to try and figure out a way to work and do the classes. 

Not knowing really where to draw the line, how to balance being supportive with being enabling. 

I have noticed that when I stop over-indulging her with attention in response to her threats of suicide, she seems to find some inner strength so I know that is a key to this - let her struggle a little on her own.  I don't answer the phone when she calls, purposefully waiting 30-60 minutes before responding, which is often the difference between her having an emotional outburst and her being able to think rationally.  I want to look forward to seeing her again though.

Any thoughts are helpful.

Inforthelonghaul

[CC43]

Hi again,

Though I bet you're stressed out about your daughter's situation and upset that she's abusing drugs and self-sabotaging, I see a few good things going on here.  First, she completed rehab.  That's great.  And second, she's starting the IOP.  You made it sound like she choose to do the IOP herself, and that is wonderful in my opinion.  I'm really hoping that she followed her doctors' recommendations and made that choice voluntarily, rather than feel "forced" into therapy by you.  That means she's starting to take some responsibility for her life, and it's a key change in mindset, maybe even a turning point in her life.

I know you'd want your daughter to work and be able to support herself, but I'd emphasize thinking in terms of baby steps right now.  Your daughter is facing a double-whammy:  dealing with addiction and BPD.  Furthermore, if her life was totally messed up before she went into rehab, then to expect her to do a 180, start therapy, start working and start supporting herself right away is as delusional as is her thinking about the world.  My advice?  Let her focus on therapy for the time being.  Let her get into a healthier daily routine.  She should be following doctors' (and/or therapists') orders, from medications to healthy eating to establishing a good sleep schedule, and doing whatever follow-up programs they recommend.  That is her number one priority.  Once she has taken those baby steps and had some success, I think she can build some positive momentum.  I'd say, only then would she consider some sort of employment, but in my humble opinion, I'd recommend starting small there, too, with something easy at first, like dog walking.  But once she takes those baby steps and sees some success, she'll bolster her confidence and might be able to increase her hours and/or responsibilities.  If she's really committed, my hope is that she could turn her life around in a few months' time.

I think the other good news is that your daughter is still young.  She can turn her life around before BPD completely derails it.  She has you, probably her strongest ally on her journey.

Look, I totally understand the feelings of resentment, as well as finding the fine line between support and enablement.  Many parents here struggle with that daily.  I really liked your description of how you slowed down your responses to your daughter whenever she reaches out to you in a crisis.  I call that approach "slow walking."  You're available, but you don't jump in right away to manage your daughter's emotions or solve her problems.  Instead, you give her time and space to calm down, self-regulate and maybe even figure some things out on her own.  (Meanwhile, you give yourself a time out to ensure you're in a good place when you eventually talk with her.)  Bravo!  The same sort of approach can happen with the parental ATM.  You slow down the flow of cash to her.  I wouldn't recommend going cold turkey, but just slow walking, gradually weaning her off your financial support.  If she asks for money, your default response is along the lines of, "I have to think about it, I'll let you know later," or maybe, "I don't have any money to spare until my next paycheck."  As for financial support generally, my litmus test is--Is daughter generally doing what she's supposed to be doing (getting therapy, working part-time, working on herself, getting training, etc.), and some money will support her; or Am I working overtime so she doesn't have to work at all while using illicit substances, ordering DoorDash and blaming me for ruining her life?  Granted, your daughter will have some setbacks, but is she getting back on track quickly?  In my opinion, the direction of movement is more important than speed right now, and if temporary financial support helps her stay on track, then it's probably worth it. 

Having said that, you need to put yourself first.  You shouldn't ruin your finances in an attempt to "save" your daughter.  If she's not working on herself or getting therapy, she definitely will not stop asking you for money until you are completely broke.  Don't let her dysfunction or addiction take you down right along with her, OK?  My other financial advice would be not to make any grand "investments" in your daughter unless you are prepared to lose the money.  She might ask for tuition, money to move, money for a car so she can get to work, whatever.  Sure, the "narrative" sounds positive--she wants to go back to school, she wants to get to work, etc.--but she hasn't really proven anything yet.  Look, your daughter is a full-fledged adult right now.  If she wants to get more schooling, buy a car, move someplace else, get therapy, etc., SHE has to be the one to make it happen, not you or your money.  I'd say, ensure your daughter pays for a meaningful part of any big "investment" she claims she needs from you.  That way, she has skin in the game, and she gets in the habit of taking responsibility for her life and working towards her long-term goals.  Does that make sense? 

I've been in a similar spot regarding the pets.  Look, just because your daughter has pets doesn't give her the right to take them into your home if you don't want them.  You shouldn't feel forced to let your daughter live with you, either, especially if she is abusive or using.  You need to establish boundaries around your home, which is supposed to be a sanctuary.  If your daughter is desperate for housing, then she can find a new home for her pet(s), if and when you let her live with you.  Of course, the easiest thing for your daughter is to demand that you let her take her pets into your home.  But if you don't want them, you need to say No, it's your home.  She can accept that or find another place to live, it's her choice.  My guess is that if you make that clear, she'll find another solution for the pets.  YOU need to have your boundaries, as well as give her time and space to find a solution.  If you're patient, she might surprise you.  Trust me on this one.  I've been amazed by how my adult BPD stepdaughter has found solutions to problems that initially seemed "impossible" for her without parental support.  What she really needed was a firm NO, her parents weren't going to be the solution to her problem, but that she had the option to figure out something on her own. Where there's a will, there's a way.  Sometimes the most important job parents is to get out of the way of their adult children, hard as that might feel initially.  Does that make sense?

[Inforthelonghaul]

Yes, it all makes sense.  She did call me this morning in a panic state, and I broke my rule and answered the phone on the first call.  It did not go well and she started freaking out on me.  Then she called me back and told me she had to "cancel everything" because she couldn't make it to her first day of her IOP.  I asked her if that meant she wasn't going to do the program and she got very angry, said, "EXCUSE ME? Whatever." And hung up on me.  She has since texted me to clarify that she is simply delaying it by a day, but "cancel everything" didn't sound like delaying her start date by a day.  I have been assaulted by her words and accusations for so long that I truly have PTSD from all the emergency phone calls, where I somehow end up the bad guy.

The IOP was definitely her choice and for now her boyfriend is supporting her for the most part.  We will see what happens.

What makes this extra difficult for me is that I grew up with a BPD sister and possibly a BPD mother (definitely narcissistic, but possibly BPD also), and so I've been receiving the messaging that I'm to blame from both sides (family of origin and daughter).  I eventually chose to walk away from the mom/sister double-whammy in my 40's, but I won't walk away from my daughter.  So I have to get strong with my messaging of and about myself.  I've mostly done this, but my daughter can definitely trigger some old, deep wounds.

And thank you for the incredibly thoughtful response.  I am going to digest all of this for a bit.