Self regulation when partner knows how to press my buttons and encouraging help

[Northern17]

I’ve been with my wife for years. She has never been diagnosed with BPD, so I don’t want to diagnose her myself, but after years of trying to understand our relationship, a lot of the patterns seem consistent with BPD traits.
She is very high functioning in most areas of life. The problems are overwhelmingly in close relationships and become much worse under stress. We have had long periods where our relationship was genuinely good, particularly when life was less stressful. When stress increases, though, things can deteriorate dramatically.
Some of the patterns I see are intense reactions to relatively minor perceived slights, interpreting ordinary mistakes or disagreements as evidence that I don’t care/listen/respect her, difficulty accepting my perspective once she feels hurt, anger that seems disproportionate to what happened, and what feels like punishment or retaliation after she believes I have wronged her.
The retaliation is probably the hardest part for me. She sometimes acknowledges that she is deliberately doing something because she knows it will upset me. She might withdraw, slam a door, abruptly leave a conversation, swear at me, or continue pushing an issue after it is obvious that I am overwhelmed. It can feel like once she believes I have hurt her, hurting me back becomes justified.
Over the years she has also learned exactly what affects me most. I have become extremely reactive to some of these behaviors. Sometimes an incident that objectively isn't enormous sends me into a massive emotional and physiological reaction because it feels like the thousandth repetition of the same pattern.
We recently had a baby, and the additional stress has made things substantially worse again. One example: while I am soothing the baby, my wife will sometimes hover and give unsolicited instructions. If I cannot hear her over the white noise or don't respond correctly, it can become another conflict. I have noticed that I now sometimes become angry or anxious when the baby starts crying—not because I am angry at the baby, but because I am anticipating my wife intervening and another conflict beginning. I really hate that this dynamic is contaminating something as important to me as caring for my daughter.
I'm starting individual therapy because I need to learn to regulate myself better. I don't want my wife's behavior to have this much control over my emotional state. I want to be able to recognize when I'm being triggered, disengage, and recover without eventually boiling over after enough button-pushing.
My two main questions for people who have lived through something similar:
How did you learn to regulate yourself when your partner knew your vulnerabilities extremely well and continued pushing after you were already overwhelmed? What actually worked beyond generic advice like breathing exercises or “don't engage”?
Is there realistically anything you can do to help an undiagnosed, high-functioning partner recognize that they need professional help? I'm afraid even suggesting couples therapy will immediately become evidence that I think she is the problem, and suggesting that she individually needs help seems even less likely to go well.
I don't expect to change her myself. I'm trying to understand what I can actually control, what boundaries work when the other person doesn't necessarily respect them, and how to judge whether meaningful change is realistically possible.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I am so sorry you're going through this and it does have a lot of similarities with BPD.  While we're not here to diagnose, that really doesn't help or hurt anything because the path forward is ultimately learning to communicate in a different way so it resolves conflict.

How did you learn to regulate yourself when your partner knew your vulnerabilities extremely well and continued pushing after you were already overwhelmed? What actually worked beyond generic advice like breathing exercises or “don't engage”?

Hopefully you realize that this is a "you question" and not a "her question."  It's a great question to ask and it's an opportunity for you to grow as a person.  The answer, however, comes down to you handling conflict in a healthier way.

For instance, you mentioned that you're already overwhelmed.  From what?  Work, finances, a new baby...did I miss anything?  What can you do about each of those things to let go of some of that stress?  If it's money, then there's two potential answers- get a better job or budget your finances better.  If it's home life, then find a better balance that works for you.

It's common for those close to BPDs to also have mental health problems from the abundance of stress and the levels of conflict.  It leads to depression, anxiety, sleep problems, etc.  While you can't "control" your wife, you can control how you react to her and the bigger issues I just listed.  Eat better, get a healthy sleep routine, get in therapy to learn to let go of negative emotions and stress.  Get in the gym to work on getting healthy, which naturally boosts your mood and the ability to deal with the stuff at home.

What actually worked in my life was taking control of my life.  The buttons that my BPD ex and BPD daughter pushed, I learned to let go of that stuff and avoid the conflicts entirely.  I accepted that they were sick and I wasn't in control of that.  But I was in complete control over how I reacted and what I let get to me.

Is there realistically anything you can do to help an undiagnosed, high-functioning partner recognize that they need professional help? I'm afraid even suggesting couples therapy will immediately become evidence that I think she is the problem, and suggesting that she individually needs help seems even less likely to go well.

Let's flip this around.  I just gave you some pretty hard advice to swallow.  Honestly, how did you take it?  For most people, it doesn't go over well when you tell them that part of the problem is within them.  They get defensive or angry.  They push the blame right back to the other person.  So however you reacted to my advice, your wife will likely react 10x worse.

I said this earlier, but I'll say it again more directly.  Your wise is not "the problem".  How the two of you communicate and how you handle her mental illness is the actual problem.  You can't "fix" her and neither can a therapist or another professional.  Suggesting it is blaming her, and she does not react well to blame because she's mentally ill.

What you can do is meet her where she's at, show compassion for her struggles, and learn to avoid the worst of the conflict by communicating in a different way.  It is incredibly hard at first and it's not intuitive, but it ultimately solves both of your questions because it relies on you to make the necessary changes.  And that's good news because you control you.

I hope that helps and again, welcome to the family!

[CC43]

Hi Northern,

You've come to the right place.  First off, I think you should cut yourself some slack.  You have a new baby, and that's a big change, along with added stress for both of you.  It's no wonder you're feeling sleep-deprived, stressed out and testier than normal.  The good thing is that you recognize that already.  So what do you do?  Here we emphasize self-care, first and foremost.  I know, I know, sometimes taking deep breaths and getting exercise might not seem like enough.  But in my case, when I'm feeling super-stressed or overwhelmed, I know it's time to double down on my healthy habits.  For me, that means prioritizing eating right, getting regular exercise (preferably in nature) and getting some sleep.  I schedule acts of self-care in my planner, and I make them as important as a business meeting.  Taking care of myself IS my business, after all.  I just make sure I prioritize myself.

On the other hand, I'll also try to simplify my life for a time, at least until I'm feeling like my "old" self again.  That might mean eating off of paper plates, getting some domestic help, ordering groceries for delivery, cutting back on taxing social engagements, wearing clothes more than one day, buying gift cards instead of presents for holidays, etc.  At work, it means being "ruthlessly" executive, focusing exclusively on the important stuff.  I don't volunteer, I don't bring cookies to the office (for whatever reason, women are practically expected to bring food to the office . . . ), I don't attend colleagues' birthday parties, etc.  There are emails I don't answer.  And you know what?  It doesn't matter.  If something were really important, people would reach out again, or just call me.

As for your wife pushing your buttons, I think you're ahead of the game, because you know what the buttons are already.  The reason she keeps pushing them is because she's getting the reaction out of you that she wants--she's getting your attention, some drama, control of the situation, concessions out of you, whatever.  All you have to do is to "deactivate" the button.  It's fantastic that you know what it is already.  But you don't have to let it trigger you, because you know the facts.  Just because your wife says you're holding the baby the wrong way, doesn't MEAN that you're holding it the wrong way, let alone that you're a bad dad.  Just because your wife says you're lazy, or not good enough, or controlling, or unappreciative, etc., doesn't mean that you are that way.  In all likelihood, what she's doing is projecting her own insecurities onto you!  And she knows she'll get the reaction she wants when she pushes that button.  If you don't react, then she might stop pushing that button, because she discovers it doesn't work anymore.

One technique you might try is called gray rocking.  That means, when your wife pushes your buttons, you don't react--you stay still, silent and as boring as a gray rock.  You can't argue with a gray rock, right?  Chances are, she'll give up and leave you alone.  A similar technique is not to JADE, short for justify, argue, defend or explain.  Why?  If your wife is riled up, her emotions have hijacked the situation, and she's not going to listen to anything you have to say anyway.  Any attempt to JADE is to approach the situation with logic, when it's not about logic, but emotions.  So stay away from logic when she's upset.  I'd say, try to be calm instead--a gray rock.  If you feel like you're getting sucked in to the emotional drama, then give yourself a time out.  Try leaving the room, or maybe get engaged with a simple task (e.g. wiping the counter).  That way, you give your wife some time and space to take down the temperature a notch.

Hope that helps a little.

[Northern17]

Great advice, thanks to both of you.

When I talked about becoming overwhelmed, I was referring to the argument more specifically- using disrespectful language, yelling, slamming doors etc, especially when I'm holding the baby. Ive told her many times when she's calm how awful these things make me feel, and they get weaponized against me when she's in the midst of one of these episodes, which happens more than daily these days.

I do take my health very seiously - I think without having daily physical exercise as an outlet I dont know how I would've survived. But you are right that my mental health is suffering from this, I end up in very destructive loops sometimes filled with negative and sometimes self destructive thoughts, which is why I urgently think I need to find myself a good therapist.

I think one big mental lock for me is the feeling of injustice in these interractions - any real or perceived wrong doing from my side has to always be punished 10x, after which I'm supposed to just apologize and then she'll move on, often without reciprocating or accepting any responsibility. Ultimately I undertake that expecting this to ever be balanced during the episodes is a foolish thought that doesnt serve me well, and I should probably just accept that world is not a just place and while I can do my best to treat people with dignity, I can only protect myself against people who do the opposite to me, I cant change them.

During non stressful periods, and towards people other than me or her family (or outside people who get on her nerves when she feels wronged), she is still the warm and wonderful person that I first fell in love with. And she does take her role as a mother seriously and has shown our baby nothing but love. Becoming a father has been the absolute best thing in my life, and I couldn't imagine a life where I'm not able to see our baby grow up.

And thank you for reminding me of JADE - Ive read about this before, but ultimately almost all serious blow ups are a result of me failing to abort the conversation early and engaging in any of these behaviors.

[Northern17]

I do also have a big problem with overfunctioning. I pay the bills, do most of the house work, do the cooking. And human brain is not very good at being in tune with absolute levels, so I dont usually get appreciation for carrying the household on daily basis, but get slammed if I fall behind on anything. Which builds a lot of resentment. Knowing that stress is what usually triggers this in her, Ive spent years trying to get ahead of it and trying to resolve things she'll find stressful, but she just finds other smaller things to get upset about and find a way to label how somehow this problem was at least partially caused by me, sometimes requiring extreme mental gymnastics. And I fail to just switch to BPD partner mode, try to rationalize this situation which obviously doesn't work, get torn down, spend hours trying to rebuild myself back up and the circle of resentment continues. And this circle makes me withdraw more from her in daily interractions, probably triggers fear of abandonment in her, and the cycle repeats...

[Anonymous22]

Hi Northern, I feel you here.  I am a mom of 4 extremely active kids (who is responsible for pretty much all of their activities outside of getting them to and home from school), work fulltime as well as have 2 PRN positions, pay just about all of the house bills, do just about all of the shopping (food, clothes, shoes, etc), outside of 1 load of dishes that my uBPDh does every morning am responsible for cleaning the house, take care of our 3 cats and was told this weekend that he will no longer be responsible for mowing the grass or weeding or any outside of the house responsibilities.  Ummmm....so basically my H is responsible for getting our 2 youngest to and home from school (the school is 1 block from our house) and his work, which he works from home and my count is that he works what would be considered a half day to most, makes more money than me but pays very little to the household.  I am extremely resentful, but then remember that I have chosen to stay in this relationship which means that to me, it is my responsibility to give my all for my family regardless of what he does.  I do my best to live MY life no matter what my H does or says.  As you know, there are days that this is so hard, close to impossible, but I do try my best to not let "his ups and downs" control my and our kids' lives. 

My H knows that I, rightfully so, am exhausted and in his "nice moods" acknowledges all that I do.  I am not sure if this answers your question but this is how I dealt with the last episode...this past weekend, on Friday night I leave the house to take my S15 to the gym.  As I get in my car, our neighbor comes over and asks if we have gotten a notice from the HOA about all of the weeds in our yard, as they did and they had noticed that ours was worse than theirs, we had not but I am imagining one coming.  As a side note, I mowed our grass 3 weeks ago, got yelled at for doing so at 7 pm (clearly I am doing it for attention from the neighbors and not because it was close to 100 degrees out during the day) and my H told me at least once a week since that he would cut the grass that week and do the weeds, which looked like they were taking over the rocky portion of our yard, so I was not to do them.  When I got back from taking our son to the gym, I told my H what our neighbor had said and his response was that I am welcome to do so, that he is too busy and will not be doing anything with the yard, that its been that way for awhile and I need to step up.  I wanted to yell back at him and justify, but instead turned around and walked away (though I will admit that I did say under my breath something not nice about me doing everything and him doing nothing!...don't do that part) and asked my kids if they wanted to play a game.  He ignored me for the rest of the night, and I continued on trying to enjoy my night with the kids and not show my aggrivation.  The next day, my h left for the gym and the kids and I left for my D11's basketball tournament.  I sent my H a text to let him know where the kids and I were, and invited him to the games (the game schedule is on our shared calendar, but for some reason he needs an individual invitation to any of the kid's games).  I though I was being nice by doing so, but got an onslaught of awful texts saying that its too late for my invite, that he is seeing patterns in me and he thinks that I am recording him so he thinks he needs to start recording me, that I am mean and I lie, and the onslaught continued.  My response was "I am sorry you are feeling this way, but as usual, I won't respond to over the top accusations."  They continued, and my response was "I am sorry you are struggling" (I know that you are supposed to keep it about you only, but thats what came out), his response was that I am crazy and need a lot of help.  I responded "I am sorry you are struggling, I love you", he responded that I need help and a heart...and I stopped responding and his responses stopped as well.  I continued to act regular the rest of the day when we got home and he ignored me, trying to glob on to our 2 young kids and buy their love by taking them to an arcade while my 2 oldest and I did the yard.  Less than 24 hours later, he tells me how much he loves me and thanks me for everything that I do. 

The only way that I can keep myself sane, is to step away when the craziness begins and continue to remind myself that this is his issue, I have done nothing wrong and the last time I tried to "talk" things out with him, things only got worse.  I have been told by an old therapist to say "The most loving thing I can do for you right now is to walk away", then walk away every time the cycle begins.     

[CC43]

I do also have a big problem with overfunctioning. . . . Knowing that stress is what usually triggers this in her, Ive spent years trying to get ahead of it and trying to resolve things she'll find stressful, but she just finds other smaller things to get upset about . . .

I get where you're coming from, I really do.  On the one hand, I think that since you do so much, your wife probably doesn't really comprehend how much you're doing, and therefore she's not appreciative, which could lead to feelings of resentment.  I might say she's "spoiled," but I don't mean that in a pejorative way.  It's just that people who've never worked a tough full-time job, paid most/all of the bills, cleaned the house, done the grocery shopping and cooking, taken care of the laundry, tended to the yard, maintained the car and appliances, looked after children, etc., and pulled it off week after week, month after month--they have NO IDEA how taxing it all is, because they've never actually done it all themselves, let alone all at the same time.  Sure, they might do one or two chores from time to time, and maybe even work part-time, but I don't think your wife really understands how hard you're working, if she's never done anything similar.  She only considers what she does as important, and she can't appreciate work done by others which she's never actually done herself.

On the other hand, she's hyper-critical.  She might be looking for things to get upset about.  She's testy, easily annoyed, overwhelmed, probably triggered by stress.  For pwBPD, the frustration tolerance is very low, and emotions are volatile.  Even if you try to minimize stress for her, she could be triggered by anything--how you walk, breathe, sit a certain way.  You're in her face, or you're too aloof and ignoring her.  You're too loud, or you're too quiet and hiding something.  You're ignoring her, or you're hovering and staring at her too much.  Whatever.  But it's not really about you, it's about her negative feelings and finding an outlet for them.  My guess is your wife feels inadequate and insecure.  Maybe when she sees you work around the house or pick up the baby, it's a stark reminder to her about how little she's contributing.  Maybe if you put dinner on the table, in the name of easing her burden, she feels inadequate, because she realizes that she's not pulling her weight.  Maybe she wants you to slow down, possibly take a nap, so she has an excuse to do the same?

Look, I went through something similar with my spouse, who exhibits some BPD-like behaviors from time to time when under stress.  I felt I was over-functioning in the household, and instead of thanks, I got yelled at.  He'd literally scream at me when I did mundane things like vacuum, wash the bedding or do the dishes after dinner (which I bought the groceries for and cooked).  Don't get me started about how he screamed at me if I shoveled snow, pruned shrubs, picked up leaves or did small household repairs, because I was clearly infringing on the traditionally "male" chores, and I was doing everything the wrong way and at the wrong time in his opinion.  The irony is that he's actually a neatnik and quite handy, so getting yelled at for doing household chores felt extremely hurtful.  But then I think I figured it out the situation.  When I was working in the house, it made my husband feel GUILTY and resentful.  He saw I was doing work, and he felt like I was "forcing" him tso chip in, even if I didn't ask for any help--I just wanted the house to be clean and not encounter broken stuff everywhere!  He just wanted to relax.  So one way I coped was to tackle chores when he wasn't looking (for example, when he was out of the house pursuing his hobbies).  Another approach that worked well was to hire household help.  They came on a schedule, and since the household help was a team of three people, they could clean the house in two or three hours, minimizing disruption.  That way, my husband wasn't "reminded" as frequently about chores, and I wasn't regularly making him feel guilty/inferior.  Since the cleaners were "professional," I think he didn't take personal "offense" the way he would when I cleaned.  He didn't seem to care that I paid for the cleaners, but whatever.  As for fixing things, I generally do that on the sly, because I can't stand arguing about it.  I just want things fixed; I don't seek "credit" for fixing them.  The reward of having things work in the house is enough reward for me.

Now, that sort of solution doesn't get at the heart of BPD.  But if certain issues are regular triggers--mealtimes, cleaning, bathtime, bills--it might help to try something different.  One example is that my spouse would be livid if I went to the gym after work.  That was ironic too, because HE went to the gym after work, two or three times a week.  The compromise I found was for me to go to the gym before work or on weekends.  Then the arguments about me being out of the house in the evenings, the timing of weeknight dinners, etc., though they still happened, were much reduced.  Another example?  Tax returns.  Historically, I prepared them, but my spouse fought me every single step of the way--Why did I need his 1099s and W-2s?  Why couldn't I shut up about it and stop asking for his documents?  Why couldn't I wait until April 15th?  Why was I spending "too much time" on the return?  Why did he owe taxes?  Etc.  I considered filing separately, but then we would have argued about who gets deductions, etc.  My solution?  Hire an accountant.  That way, the deadlines were the accountant's, not mine.  The amount of tax owed was per the accountant, not me (i.e. TurboTax).  In other words, by bringing in a neutral third party, the chore of completing taxes became less "personal," and therefore less emotionally-charged.  Yes it costs money, but I think it's well spent.

[wantmorepeace]

I relate to feeling that injustice and that overfunctioning.  The way I think about it is: It's not "bad" that you feel the unfairness of these things. It's human.  What's problematic is if you think you can change her in these regards.  You can stay knowing that this is the reality and find some work arounds like those mentioned by others. You can go because you don't want to/can't be in this situation.  What you can't do is imagine that JADEing can make her different than she is. 

[wantmorepeace]

And, please, know that I'm reminding myself of this reality as much as I'm sharing my view with you.  It's so, so hard.  Be kind to yourself.

[ForeverDad]

What is extremely hurtful is when someone disrespects you and calls you horrible names, etc.  It is even more devastating when it's your spouse.  Most of us here experienced that.  I sometimes refer to my ex as the most aggressive purported "victim" I've ever seen.

Its impact is to a great extent dependent on how you react.  As a simple example, next time you're raked over the coals, reframe it in your mind.  My ex used to graphically disparage my manhood, saying she "wore the pants in the family".  Can you instead think of her wearing huge pink elephant pants?  Not so hurtful, is it?

My ex was never diagnosed and she flatly refused the concept of her going to therapy.  We even divorced and were in and out of divorce/parenting court for eight years.  Not once in all those years did the court seek to send either of us to counseling.  It's almost as though they studiously avoided seeking a diagnosis.  The observation here is that family courts and the associated professionals treat the litigants as they are.  We would do well to follow that example and not worry whether there is a diagnosis or not.  On the other hand, you've done well to observe her behavior patterns, see what fits and proceed from there.