I'm just so confused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, first time posting here. We haven't officially ended it, but we've had such a turbulent relationship with many near-breakups that I still don't understand, and now we're at our worst after a two-week break from a fight that began from nothing, in my eyes at least. She exploded and dumped all her complaints on me because she read into a harmless text while we were apart for a weekend. I'm used to her grumpy moods and her impulsive travel and excitement. I'm used to her fantasizing about dream houses in other states for a brand-new start. She has an extreme fear of abandonment. But this time she said such mean and hurtful things about me personally, and I don't know if I can get past it. Is it true it will just keep getting worse?

[CluelessPartner]

Hi, first time posting here. We haven't officially ended it, but we've had such a turbulent relationship with many near-breakups that I still don't understand, and now we're at our worst after a two-week break from a fight that began from nothing, in my eyes at least. She exploded and dumped all her complaints on me because she read into a harmless text while we were apart for a weekend. I'm used to her grumpy moods and her impulsive travel and excitement. I'm used to her fantasizing about dream houses in other states for a brand-new start. She has an extreme fear of abandonment. But this time she said such mean and hurtful things about me personally, and I don't know if I can get past it. Is it true it will just keep getting worse?

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances, but at least you're among friends now that understand your plight.  Your story is also my story, so many here just 'get it'.

You're asking a very complicated question that's at the heart of BPD- does it just keep getting worse?

If things are left unchecked and you both just keep doing what you're doing, then the answer is 'yes' 99% of the time.  That's how a BPDs mind works though and how they hang onto trauma.  Their mind is like an attorney who's building a landmark case in a very important trial...only they don't use any sort of logic in arriving to their conclusions.  Everything is emotional and blown out of proportion, and it somehow ties to something that happened a month ago (or 10 years ago).

Their thought process can be like --> he bought apples from the store  --> I choked on an apple in 6th grade and he knows it!  --> He bought those apples to make fun of me -->  This is proof he's never cared about me!  --> He needs to feel my wrath for being that cold-hearted and abusive!

Does it make any sense at all?  Not to us, no.  But to a BPD, their thoughts go in circular cycles like this whenever they're disordered and this toxic thought process can play out over days.  Why does that matter?  Because if she's going through this now, then you make up in a few days, all those disordered thoughts don't disappear.  Instead, they're stored for later evidence and she'll use them whenever it's convenient.

Can you get past this?  Yes, absolutely.  You can rebuild trust and communicate in a different way, so those thoughts never have a chance to become dominant.  To be honest though, most walk away before ever getting that far...it's just too hard.

I hope that helps!

[CluelessPartner]

Thank you so much. I'm thankful to find this community but sorry your story is similar to mine. What really gets me is that I've allowed myself to stay in this situation so long even though the cycle repeats. I grew up pretty normally and never fought with anyone. Her yelling just froze me the first time and I started to leave then, but her tears and what seemed like remorse pulled me back in. At this point, it feels like she's exploiting my kindness and love for her.

I've asked for couples therapy, and she's always declined. Now I'm reading that it doesn't work with them anyway.

I've said I need her to be nicer to me. How sad is that, to have to ask your partner?

Biggest fight yet just happened to be all in writing, which opened my eyes to just how mean she is and how she spiraled from one thing to everything without taking any accountability herself.

After some (very peaceful) time apart, she now wants to talk by phone. I'm prepared to be as emotionless as possible to avoid arguing. I have my short list of talking points and a statement to use if I need to step away. Any other advice?

[Pook075]

After some (very peaceful) time apart, she now wants to talk by phone. I'm prepared to be as emotionless as possible to avoid arguing. I have my short list of talking points and a statement to use if I need to step away. Any other advice?

Sure, keep your part of the dialogue focused on you.  "I want....I need...I feel...I think..."  That's less likely to spiral than if you say, "You always....you act like....you need to stop...etc".   

For example, "You need to be nicer to me" or "You're always arguing over the dumbest things" could be said as "I feel like everything I do upsets you lately."  The first will probably start a fight, the second will definitely start a fight, but the third isn't assigning blame and is a much safer choice.

If she becomes hostile or starts yelling, my go-to with the BPDs in my life is to say, "I care about you and I don't want to argue."  I ALWAYS lead with that.  'I love you/care about you AND...."  When you say, "I care about you BUT...", they somehow only focus on what comes after 'but'.  I think it's because their brain is seeking doom and gloom, so that's what they find.

If they keep trying to argue, I repeat my go-to and add a little more.  "I care about you and I don't want to argue, so I'm going to get off the phone for a bit.  I'll call you back in 30-40 minutes."  See the pattern?  I...I...I...I.  It also sets a boundary in a kind way.

Couples therapy can help, but you have to go into it with the right objectives and goals.  If it's to win an argument, then you'll lose every time.  If it's to get the therapist to take your side and tell her that she's being unreasonable, then you also lose no matter what.  Because if he does tell her she's being unreasonable, then she'll likely feel like she's being ganged up on and never return.

However, if the goal is to actually work through conflict and build trust, there can be positive outcomes.  Again though, you have to stop arguing and make it clear that you're not interested in that.

[ForeverDad]

Thank you so much. I'm thankful to find this community but sorry your story is similar to mine. What really gets me is that I've allowed myself to stay in this situation so long even though the cycle repeats. I grew up pretty normally and never fought with anyone.

Likely your GF has had previous relationships, all of which are probably described as terrible people.  That's how failed relationships are typically seen in an acting-out disordered person's perceptions.  Yet those others likely realized she was dysfunctional and ended it.

Yet you stayed - probably for longer than most have - and it is failing too.  Just because you're one of the Nice Guys and Nice Gals doesn't guarantee a successful relationship.  It takes two people working together to find success.  If you're pulling and she's pushing, it can't become a success.

[CluelessPartner]

Thank you both so very much.  This is incredibly helpful as I prepare for tonight. You saved me from walking in with the wrong list, even though my intentions are the same. I've tweaked it all with your solid advice, Pook075. ForeverDad, you're right she has had many failed relationships, with people who were all "mean" or stopped loving her.

I'm at a point where I feel working together in therapy is the only way, so I agree that framing it as the therapist being there only to guide us as we work through conflict and build trust is the right answer. I truly don't care about winning, so that's easy to say. And I do care about her, so that's easy as well.

[Pook075]

Thank you both so very much.  This is incredibly helpful as I prepare for tonight. You saved me from walking in with the wrong list, even though my intentions are the same. I've tweaked it all with your solid advice, Pook075. ForeverDad, you're right she has had many failed relationships, with people who were all "mean" or stopped loving her.

I'm at a point where I feel working together in therapy is the only way, so I agree that framing it as the therapist being there only to guide us as we work through conflict and build trust is the right answer. I truly don't care about winning, so that's easy to say. And I do care about her, so that's easy as well.

All you can do at this point is try.  Maybe it works out, maybe not.  But as your going through this process and focusing on "I", you're actually making a shift in the relationship without realizing it.  You're starting to prioritize your feelings over hers, your needs over her wants, your mental health over her demands, etc.  And while that might sound counter-productive, it's the only thing that has a chance of balancing out the relationship and actually giving it a real chance.

Just remember, it's okay to validate her feelings.  If she's sad, you get what that feels like, so you can comfort someone that's sad.  However, you don't validate her facts when it's not reality.  Just stick to feelings and you'll have a lot less resistance.