dear everyone,
i've been a caregiver for my wife since her first psychotic break in 2015. since then she's been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1), histrionic personality disorder, and the latest, bpd, around two years ago.
each psychotic break is usually followed or preceded by revelations of a massive trauma which she had kept a secret to everyone.
Hi there,
You've come to the right place. You must be at the end of your rope, dealing with this sort of dysfunction for over a decade. Here you can learn all sorts of tips about how to cope.
First off, I'd say, if you're feeling exhausted, resentful, fearful and that nothing you do seems to work, that's a sign that you need to start taking care of yourself, first and foremost. If you need a break, take it. If you need therapy, get it. You focus on taking care of yourself, because you're no good to your spouse if you're a basket case. If you're walking around in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you're not seeing straight, let alone making sound decisons.
I highlighted above what I consider to be a big red flag: the relevations of massive traumas which weren't previously known or reported. There are two aspects here: the multiplicity of traumas, as well as their delayed relevation. While experiencing trauma is indeed traumatic, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I would view your spouse's "relevations" with a healthy dose of skepticism, at least in terms of details. The most likely scenario in my opinion is that your spouse FELT traumatized by her past, but that her telling of events is highly distorted. There might be a kernel of truth (e.g. a past argument, a physical fight), but she probably conveniently left out her role in it; she might have even flipped the script, switching the victim and the abuser. My guess is that she blames countless people for "causing" all the problems in her life. That way, she's always a victim of "abuse." But when she blames others, she abdicates responsibility for her own choices. She embraces a victim mindset like her life depends on it, and she re-interpretes her entire life history with that distorted lens. The problem with this is, she feels powerless over her own life, which in itself makes her miserable. And she won't take any responsibility for the harms she causes others.
Similarly, the pwBPD in my life experienced life as an unending series of "traumas" caused by other people. I think the key is that it wasn't just one person or one environment, but the "traumas" followed her everywhere: her childhood home, her teenage school, her college years, her work environment, her online persona, her various roommates, her romantic interests. She thought the entire world was "bullying" her. And here's an interesting observation. The more stressed out or disappointed she was about her current life, the farther back in the "archive" she'd reach. She'd dredge up some distant, insignificant and barely recognizable event from her early childhood and lash out at her family members with pent-up anger. I think it was all just a distraction, a deflection, from the current situation or disappointment du jour. She felt so much shame and disappointment in the present that she felt compelled to project it onto the people closest to her. It was her brain's maladjusted way of coping. Basically it looked like a full-grown adult throwing a tantrum over not getting what she wanted, and blaming mom/dad/sis/brother for ruining her life a decade ago, when they had absolutely nothing to do with her current situation.
Anyway, in my humble experience, I think it's counter-productive to dwell on the past with my pwBPD. Why? First, she just won't get past it. She's not interested in processing what happened or learning from it, let alone overcoming it and forgiving herself or others. Second, it just makes her relive some negative feelings. It's as if she ENJOYS reliving the negative feelings, as a distraction from functioning in the present, and as an excuse to lash out. Unfortunately, the more and more she thinks about a past negative experience, the more she embelishes it. I think she ruminates on it so much that she literally wears a rut in her brain. At each retelling of the old story, it's like she's showcasing her perfected rage. So I try not to go there at all. I might say something like, "Let's focus on today, OK?" or maybe, "You can't change the past," or, "It's a shame to waste mental bandwidth on ancient history" or, "It's probably best to talk about this with your therapist, she'll know how to help you cope." My point is, in my humble opinion, I think it's counter-productive to talk about the past. It's just too negative, there's too much emotional baggage, there's too much distortion of facts, and there's basically nothing you can do to change it.
But what can you do? First, I think you can look for the FEELINGS behind the traumas. You didn't really mention what your wife was complaining about, but my guess is that you can get an inkling of what your wife is worried about through her traumas and her projections. As an example, if she feels constantly "bullied," that could be a sign that she feels inferior and very insecure. If she's accusing others of being narcissistic, mean, manipulative, childish or lazy, in all likelihood, that's what she thinks of herself. You see, she obsesses over her supposed flaws so much that they are constantly top-of-mind, and her concerns typically emerge as projections onto other people!
Once you have a better sense of your wife's feelings, I think you try to comfort her. If she's sad, try to cheer her up. If she's mad, maybe you give her a time out, so she can have time and space to calm down. If she's anxious, you try to calm and console her. If she's lonely, you give her some attention. But, if she's treating you badly and being nasty, I'd say, put her in an adult time out. That way, you both get some time and space to calm down, before you do or say something you might regret. Besides, you don't want to reward her nastiness with your attention. You deserve to be treated nicely and with respect.
Hope that perspective helps a little.
