Overthinking as always

[Ashesanddust]

I have been no contact with my exwbpd for the most part. I have made a couple dumb decisions and reached out in moments of weakness. I have also felt that when he seems like he's in an extra bad spot, I should check on him because I am truly worried that he will kill himself.
When I need something however, me reaching out is unhealthy and tortuous. Have any of ya'll had your exbpd beg for you to talk to them, expect you to come over at the drop of a hat, to answer their hundreds of calls? Sometimes you do. But then the couple times you need something, they ignore you? Or tell you that talking to you is too unhealthy and they just want to get on with their life? It just feels so hypocritical and one sided all the time. I know i can't expect closure or kindness even but I guess it seems wild to me that there is so little compassion for someone you once claimed to love. And claim to love still. More than anything.

I am having a very hard time wrapping my head around the fact that there is so little accountability. So little understanding. The things he put me through are just so rough but he acts like they never happened or that they shouldn't be a big deal. Any time I give him an opportunity to apologize or make something right, he full tilts the opposite direction. Going through all of that is already so hard but then being told that your feelings around it aren't valid is such a stab to the heart. I just hate him and love him and hate that I love him. I am feeling so lost at sea.

Have any of ya'll felt the depression, dissociation, grief and pain get so bad that you worry that you might be capable of hurting yourself?

[wantmorepeace]

Absolutely -- sometimes that feels like the only way out.  BUT IT IS NOT.  It takes a long time to get, but keep trying to hear what's being offered on this site and the pain will ebb and eventually joy will reenter your life.

[Ashesanddust]

I've been doing my best to talk to people on here and I've been going to therapy and the occasional support group. I'm trying to stay busy with work and projects around the house. I feel so incapable of just being ok. There are so many days when I think about going back to him. I know it isn't what I should do. But I just miss the good so much. Yes, the thing that keeps me from going to him is all the bad. Which I constantly remind myself of. But I was just so in love with him. Which is also probably crazy given the tumultuous nature of our relationship. But boy is it a challenge to not get hung up on the good memories and the love making and the adventure of it all.  And then i just feel so depressed and hopeless thinking that I put all that time and effort into a future I was sure I was going to have with this person and that is all gone. And was it ever even really there or was it a construct of the mind? I get stuck in the back and forth. Trying to find the truth. Trying to move on.  But i can't shake this dark and looming feeling. What did ya'll do?

[wantmorepeace]

My situation is a family member, not a love affair -- and love affairs are hard to quit under the best of circumstances, not just when your mind and sense of self have been messed with. So I hope you'll hear from others too, but I think the things you're doing are right, but they take time -- and you need and deserve time to recover and figure out next steps in your life. Also, I suggest adding going out with friends, finding groups that do activities you enjoy, and other ways of connecting with people and having fun.

[Ashesanddust]

Yeah, being social is important. I've just been having a really hard time finding the motivation to do those things. Like the amount of effort it takes to put on a face and be ok around people is a lot. Especially when most of my friends don't understand it or are sick of hearing about it. But I'm just so fully wrapped up in it and was for so long. It's really hard to just move on. Like you said, typical affairs are already a lot to work through. Ones with all these extra layers are just so intense.

[ForeverDad]

Oftentimes we think the disordered ex needs therapy yet what about ourselves?  When we're feeling down, we can use some cheering up too, right?  That's one of the benefits of peer support.  We've "been there, experienced that".  We can commiserate and point other in positive directions.

So, while we in peer support are helpful, the fact is we are remote and to a certain extent anonymous too.  Another fact is that so many of our trusted friends and family are clueless about the depth of hurt we've experienced from a hurtful, perhaps even abusive, ex.

That's where seeking out an experienced counselor is so very beneficial.  Yes, we are not mentally imbalanced to the extent of being disordered, but all of us can use a helping hand now and then.

Sometimes we see therapy and counseling being mentioned interchangeably here.  Probably it doesn't matter in peer support scenarios.  Me?  I typically use the term "counselor" when referring to the aid we seek when times are tough, though when speaking of the persons with serious disorders (Borderline, Narcissism, Antisocial, etc) I generally use the term "therapist".

My point is that we all can benefit from counseling as needed.  Please do seek out local in-person counseling services.  If at first you don't find a good match, keep trying.  Keep seeking the positives.  You will never regret it.

[ForeverDad]

I am reminded of a few old proverbs:
"Wisdom belongs to those who seek advice" - Proverbs 13:10
"There is accomplishment through many advisers" - Proverbs 15:22

Another reality here is that many of us have had failing and failed relationships.  Hey, that's why we came here, right?  While sometimes there is a need to maintain a limited level of contact - such as in co-parenting when there are children - the typical outcome is that we cease future contact.  Not because we want to, but because we need to.

There is no benefit going back, rehashing everything and perhaps even restarting the painful cycles of endless ups and downs.  Seeking some level of closure from the other typically fails, that's why it is usually best to Gift ourselves Closure and Move On.  We wish it weren't so but... Recovery is a process, not an event.

[CC43]

Hi Ashes,

You're not wrong to miss the good times.  You were in love.  Right now, you might wonder why and how you fell for him, but I'm fairly confident it was because he was amazing.  You see, he was captivating you, almost literally holding you captive.  He mirrored you, and he became everything you wanted him to be.  I think that's typical with pwBPD, who generally have an unstable sense of self.  They are so desperate for that intense connection, that they will practically abandon themselves to get it, at least at first.  They get wrapped up in the novelty of a relationship, and with the idealized version of you, as well as with the visions of a rosy future with you.  But it couldn't last for long, because he wasn't being true to himself, and because fantasy isn't reality.  The "real" person emerged once he felt secure in the relationship.  But while he was wooing you and mirroring you, it was fantastic.  I think you need to give yourself some grace, because the relationship was really good at first.

But here's the thing.  In your post, you noticed how the relationship became extremely one-sided.  He's really needy and demanding of you, but he provides little or nothing in return.  He expects you to be accountable, and yet he is free of any responsibility.  He's all take and no give.  Let me make some educated guesses here.  He demands attention, adoration, devotion and service.  He expects you to over-function for him, to do his bidding, maybe even pay for his stuff.  He demands your attention, all the time, especially when you have other commitments (like work), or when you're just trying to get some rest.  He tries to isolate you and prevent you from having any other friends.  He limits your access to your family.  He constantly surveils you--monitoring your phone, calling to ask about your whereabouts, asking a million questions about where you've been, who you've talked to and why.  He always assumes the worst of you, even when he has no reason to.  He tries to control you and micromanage you.  He seems to be constantly testing and questioning your loyalty.  He throws a tantrum if you're sick, talk about yourself, talk to another person or ask for help with a task.  He sabotages outings or gatherings that are supposed to be fun.  He weaponizes incompetence, sabotaging your day.  His attitude is overwhelmingly negative, and he takes it out on you.  He lies easily and accuses you of things you never did, consantly putting you on defense.  He blames you for all sorts of things; he's so persistent that you begin to doubt yourself.  He'll henpeck you incessantly, to try to get you to snap, and when you do, just a little, there's hell to pay.  Everything seems disproportionate with him.  He'll use his physical strength to intimidate you, to get you to do his bidding.  If he doesn't hit you, he'll yell ferociously, or get right up in your face, punch the wall, brandish some weapons, maybe even threaten to hurt himself.  Do I have that about right?  If I have even one or two things right, I think you'll see that the relationship isn't healthy for you.  You deserve better.  You're way better off on your own.   

Sure, it will take some time to get over this.  Take some time.  There's no clock on this.  The hope is that with some time, distance and perspective you'll start feeling like your "normal" self again.  I'd recommend spending time in nature, ideally moving (walking, hiking, biking, skiing, strolling on a beach, swimming in a lake, etc.).  The movement and nature might help get you out of your head, get some perspective and feel more grounded.  Or just take a walk around your neighborhood, and try to notice something unusual or joyful (a pretty wreath, ripening wild grapes, the sound of crunching leaves underfoot, the fresh smells after a rain, a toddler in a stroller who waves at you), and then write it down when you're done with your walk.  The act of noticing something remarkable is a simple exercise to be present in the moment.  I used to write these little remarkable things in a notebook, and it was fun to review them, because it took me back to the moment and made me smile, too. 

All the best to you.

[wantmorepeace]

If you are disposed to note things down, it's also great to note all the ways in which you're helping yourself.

[Rowdy]

To answer your question, yes my ex bpd did often reach out expecting communication, even to the point of messaging at 1 or 2am expecting me to rush over for a ‘cup of tea’. This was while she was with a new partner but not living with him.. I still get blocked, unblocked and then monthly soft h o o v e r attempts (have to write it like that or it gets edited for some strange reason!?)

There is, and never will be any accountability. My ex doesn’t even respect herself, her health or her own body so I can not expect any from her for me.

It is hypocritical and very one sided being in, or having been in a relationship with someone so disordered. But it does get easier.
I don’t know your story, it reads as if you are the one that broke it off with him, and I’m not sure how long you have been separated. In my case I had no choice, I didn’t even know bpd was a thing, so I chased. But over time you begin to piece the parts of the puzzle together and see things more clearly, and then you can begin to start giving yourself the closure you need.

 With a pwBPD enough is never enough. There was a moment it looked like my ex was going to leave her new partner, sort her head out and come home. She then changed her mind and started waffling that I hadn’t text her enough so she didn’t feel important enough. I counted the amount of texts between us in the 24hrs before that statement, there were roughly 120 text messages, but that wasn’t enough.

This is how the disordered mind works. It is the bottomless pit that can never be filled. You say you give him the opportunity to apologise or make things right. Sadly, doing this is only setting yourself up for a fall. A healthy person apologises for their mistakes, but as you have noted any time you give him that chance he tilts the other way. He is not a healthy person, and by hoping he is going to act like one is only going to lead to disappointment.

[CACBHAM]

The whole thing is confusing. I left my
Own yesterday. I know she doesn’t want this, but I have no choose this time I’m debated. But a line a was crossed

[Ashesanddust]

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. I have been seeing two different therapists actually. One for EMDR. The other is mostly talk therapy. I also do go to NAMI support groups for people who have loved ones with BPD. All of these things have been incredibly instrumental. I would not be upright if not for these resources. I have always strongly believed in therapy for everyone. Trauma or not. It is always helpful to talk to a professional. I think I am just feeling stuck and hopeless. Because I am taking all the right steps. I am trying to go out. I am trying to rediscover myself and be patient and kind. I am trying to get back into my hobbies that fell by the wayside while I made him my full time job outside of work. Yes, my friends do not understand. Not only the depth but all of it. This forum has been so helpful. So has Quora and reddit. Although you do have to take a lot of that with  a grain of salt. So have books specifically about BPD. So... I am going through the motions, I am doing my best. I realize that no contact is important and at the end of the day the only thing that will really work is time. And maybe medication.

Also, yes, CC43, you are correct. Pretty much every single thing you mentioned is something he did. Including making me feel like a horrible person for having any kind of past. Calling me unforgivable names because I have been with other men. Hating my tattoos because I got them with other people. Making me feel like my skin is something I should be ashamed of. It got so so much worse at the end. He is convinced that the only way he will be able to seek help or improve is if I live with him. And not in a realistic way. He doesn't understand needing to find a place or save money or pack things or juggle all the other commitments in life. He wants me to just go be at his house all the time. Doesn't care about logistics or my safety or my needs. He has literally said that I have to be there to hold him accountable. That nothing is his fault or in his control. That I have to be his savior. And I know that's not fair or ok on any level. The problem is that being the way I am, I DO feel responsible. I DO feel guilty. I know that doing something that drastic would be incredibly dangerous for me but I still feel this need to help him. I am so twisted up inside. He blames me for all the bad, all the pain. Blames me for making him want to die. Meanwhile he's talking to these other women in his life and using them as an emotional and sometimes physical crutch the same way and I keep falling for it. It doesn't feel like it matters if it's me or if it's just anyone.

I am smart. I KNOW this isn't good or healthy. I KNOW I deserve better. I KNOW I am not to blame for his ailments or his inability to choose something good for himself. But I feel the opposite. I am still in love with him. I feel like I am broken.

[CC43]

I am smart. I KNOW this isn't good or healthy. I KNOW I deserve better. I KNOW I am not to blame for his ailments or his inability to choose something good for himself. But I feel the opposite. I am still in love with him. I feel like I am broken.

Well I feel these reflections are important.  While you might not have taken many strides towards your next phase, at least you're pointing in the right direction.  It's understandable you feel a little paralyzed, shell-shocked even.  You've faced a major rupture in your most important relationship, and your life, especially your emotional life, is in a state of upheaval.  Try not to beat yourself up for this.  It's completely understandable that you're hurt.

Like you wrote, you know you need to take care of yourself.  It's just that your heart needs to catch up with your head.  I'm glad to see that you're taking some baby steps--seeking out counseling, writing here, processing what happened, understanding that you can't change your ex if he doesn't take responsibility to work on himself first.  I'm pretty sure that with time, your heart will catch up with you.

I think if I were in your situation, I'd take a break.  I remember one time when I broke up with a boyfriend, and my brain thought, the relationship wasn't working, it's best to move on, and I was glad I hadn't invested too much time in the relationship (maybe six months).  I tried to live life like nothing had happened, thinking it was no big deal, just an ordinary breakup.  But at the same time, I think I was ignoring some hurt, some feelings of inferiority, while beating myself up for "allowing" myself to feel undervalued, for working harder on the relationship than he was, for wanting to believe that he could be the "one."  I remember continuing with my daily life, while my heart and head just weren't cooperating.  I think I needed some time to reflect, process, sit with the disappointment before moving on.  So I took a break . . . from non-essential commitments, from trying to date again, etc.  Basically I gave myself some time to get back to normal, and normal for me included looking after myself and treating myself with kindness.  Maybe I'm weird, but oftentimes I think I "deprive" myself of some nice things because I'm not "worth" it.  So I decided, maybe I need to treat myself as I want to be treated?  Like, join the slightly more expensive but more luxurious and convenient health club, instead of the grubbier one that's farther away.  Like, go to a coffee shop for a gourmet coffee experience from time to time, instead of making it at home as usual.  Like, buy the expensive cuts of meat at the grocery, instead of the family packs on discount.  Like, see a movie in the theater instead of waiting a year or two for it to come out on TV.  I guess I gave myself "permission" to take extra care of myself and enjoy life more.  With time and self care, I got back to my "normal" self.

All the best to you.