How do you handle daily trauma dumping?

[mssalty]

My PWBPD starts out most mornings with a trauma dump on me.  It’s a very detailed list of things bothering them and a series of questions to answer about that list of things that they want answers for but all answers are the wrong ones.   

No matter what I might have going on (in the middle of work, pondering my own issues, doing something for someone else), I hear it.   If I stop listening, react the wrong way, or do anything negative, I know I’m in for it.   

What are the best ways to tell them “not now” without triggering their frustration even further?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

It might help to look at these behaviors as a pattern and their reason for them. One concern of yours is your SO dysregulating/emotion dumping/being critical of you, and no matter how hard you try to meet their needs, not succeeding. You have realized that this relationship isn't "normal". That's a very difficult point to emotionally process. While you wish to make the situation more manageable by finding a way to quell your SO's reactions, it isn't possible to change someone's thinking or feeling. Another approach is to look at how you can manage yourself in this situation.

How manageable this situation is- that is also an individual decision as well as a function of the two involved. BPD is on a spectrum and it affects how someone thinks, behaves, and functions in a relationship. Some partners may choose to tolerate a level of dysfunction more than others. One isn't right or wrong for staying or leaving- as each person's situation and tolerance is different. However, I do think you are correct- this isn't normal. A relationship with someone who has a mental illness isn't the same as one with someone who does not have one.

So why does your SO persist in bringing up her hurts, blaming you, demanding an answer or you do something and it's not correct or enough? Because this isn't the function of this behavior. The behavior serves to release uncomfortable emotions by projecting them- often on the closest person to them. BPD affects the closest relationships the most. Your SO may be able to hold it together with less familiar people. However, the people closest to them are the ones they project on to- due to the nature of that relationship. Why- I am not completely sure. I just know that for me, it was my father and then, us kids in that position for the most part.

So, the answer isn't going to be right, the action isn't going to be right, because it's the release of emotions that is needed. This may not make sense but BPD thinking isn't rational, it's emotional and run by disordered thinking.

If doing things to manage your SO isn't helping, then another option is to consider how to manage yourself in this situation, not your SO. Your SO is doing what they need to do to manage their feelings. Try to stop it, or respond to it- its going to happen anyway.

You need to carve out some time and space where you are away from it, for your own sanity. Listening to this all the time isn't realistic. How much your SO can manage on their own is a factor. My father who stayed (it was emotionally difficult for him but that was his choice to make) coped by - going to work, and after he retired- he would go to exercise, go out for breakfast (she slept in), but a lot of his time was spent being the emotional caretaker. Yes, he enabled her but she was very affected by her BPD and her own emotional coping skills were very poor.

After my father passed away, we kids also experienced being in this situation. It's difficult. We chose to not live too close to BPD mother and even on visits, needed to take some time to ourselves so we could manage our own selves- not attempt to manage her feelings or reactions. She was going to do what she was going to do. We knew it too. She'd act like she wanted us to visit but something about us being there- would just open the gates of venting. On the other hand, we didn't want to not visit her at all- due to her being an elderly mother, that didn't seem right to do- but we had to visit in ways we could manage. We also tried to do nice things for her and to be supportive but the emotional venting would happen anyway.

It also wasn't just with us. In her elder years, she had caregivers- and caregivers spend a lot of time with their clients, and they too would experience the emotional venting. However, they were trained to manage elderly clients and also could go home to their own places afterwards.

You have come to the realization that your relationship isn't normal. This is how your SO copes. You've tried all you know to do to change this pattern for your SO, change your SO's reactions but - its possible that if this is how your SO manages their emotions- this is who they are. One suggestion is to shift to how you can manage.

One is to have a boundary on your schedule. If you are at work during certain times, then you are unavailable then. Also, if you have an exercise class, or some other commitment. Then decide when and how much to listen to your SO vent- an hour in the evenings, yes, there will be insults. We kids would even describe our visits as "time for another verbal lashing". Sometimes they were hard to hear, but eventually, it got so predictable, we just knew we'd hear it. If you have a counselor for emotional support this helps.

However, even though we kids chose to have some contact, this is not the same as living with someone 24/7 and listening to this all the time. We chose not to do this. Admittedly, it's harder for you in this situation, but you still have the choice. Should you choose to stay- shifting your focus from your SO to some ways for you to cope may help.