Sibling with BPD and a family schism

[bigapple313]

Hi all,
This is my first post. I'm grateful to have found a community of people who may be managing similar difficulties in their family, and would love feedback/thoughts about my current circumstances from anyone who may have some wisdom.

My older sibling is not diagnosed to my knowledge but after taking time to research and better understand BPD, I feel confident that that this is what she is living with. Our family dynamic is peppered with decades of schisms, estrangements and accusations of abuse. She has a tendency to misunderstand other people's intentions through a lens that everyone has malicious intent towards her. Anything that any of us say can get easily misconstrued, sometimes shockingly so (one example: my dad made a comment that he was very fond of one of my childhood friends, and she felt he made that comment specifically to hurt her). Every few years she cuts us out because of something that she perceives as abusive, and she has a tendency to cut off friends after becoming convinced that they did something horrible to her.

Fast forward to this year. We've enjoyed a few years of peace as a family where everyone seemed to be getting along. Something my dad said to her on the phone was interpreted as malicious, and she decided to cut him off. My mom called her to try to reason with her, and then she cut her off. When I spoke to her about it, she claimed that our parents said horrible things to her that I know for a fact they didn't say, but I tend to be very gentle with pushback because she can become very volatile. I also have recognized over the years that it's not that she's lying--she really believes these things. It is very much HER reality, even if I personally would never interpret things the way she does.

She and I are still communicating -- my tactic is to send loving texts to her to make sure she knows I'm still here and I care about her, which she seems responsive to. Normally I would be okay accepting that we're entering a family cut-off phase, but my wedding is coming up in a few months and I'm starting to feel very nervous. Both of my parents have sent her messages telling her they love her and she hasn't responded.

There is a chance that she won't come to my wedding, and I told her that I support whatever she feels comfortable with. But if she DOES decide to come, I guess I'm nervous of my wedding becoming a backdrop for family drama. I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I need to have some contingency plans in place for a couple different possible scenarios. Any thoughts/feedback/advice is deeply appreciated.

[CC43]

Hi there,

What you describe about your sister sounds like BPD to me:  the cycles of estrangement, imagining ill intent in others, taking things the wrong way and uber-personally, volatile emotions, multiple claims of supposed abuse, the endless grievances, her impossible expectations.  She's always twisting fact patterns into a victim narrative, which isn't exactly lying, but is highly distorted and exaggerated, often with essential facts omitted.  For example, if your dad compliments someone else, your sister will typically take it as a personal insult.  In my opinion, the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because your sister thinks she's powerless over her own life.  She hasn't really taken responsibility for her own choices and actions, because she feels like she's a victim, which keeps her stuck in a rut, rehashing past grievances ad nauseum, instead of looking forward.  Does that sound about right?

I've written various times on these boards that certain events or milestones, like birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals, illnesses, vacations, etc. are tinderboxes for pwBPD, because they are emotionally-charged, typically involve friends and family deemed "toxic," and are somewhat stressful--at the very least, they disrupt the usual routine.  The stress alone can derail the pwBPD.  You'd think she'd be happy for you, but I think it's not possible when she's not happy with herself.  You see, deep down she's probably feeling extremely insecure, jealous, inferior and alienated.  Your happiness is a stark reminder of your sister's own unhappiness.  On top of that, she can't stand to witness the attention you're getting, because she construes that as attention taken away from her.  Sometimes she'll create a scene to try to reclaim the attention she craves.  She might start an argument, hurl unfounded accusations or try to sabotage the event in some way.  If she's the avoidant type, she might try to punish you with her absence. 

So, what do you do?  I'm in a similar situation as you right now, with a family wedding coming up.  I think you invite your sister, but that you keep your expectations very low.  My guess is that she might not respond to the invitation, and I think that's OK.  You see, she can't RSVP, because she doesn't know herself if she's going to attend or not.  Her emotions are so volatile, even she doesn't know what she's going to do until the day comes.  If she shows up, great.  You try to recruit some help from a brother, uncle or somebody you trust to step in if your sister creates a scene.  They can escort her out until she calms down.  But no matter what happens, you go ahead and enjoy your special day to the max.  If you sister doesn't show up to the wedding, that's OK too.  Just trust that she wasn't feeling up to it, and she's segregating herself rather than risk ruining your special day.  If she's sulking alone, let her sulk alone--think of it as a needed "adult time out" for her.  Just remember, you have no control over your sister's emotions, and it's not your job to be her emotional caretaker, OK? 

In addition, I'd advise not to give your sister any responsibilities for the wedding, such as bridesmaid or reader.  If she balks, your excuse is that you didn't want to burden her with anything.  This is my general approach with my pwBPD.  Since I do not rely on her for anything, I won't be upset if she falls through.  I'll generally give her low-stakes options, and if she pulls through, then that's icing on the cake--but I don't set myself up for disappointment.  Like I wrote, I don't even expect an RSVP.

Hope that perspective helps a little.  Welcome to the group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were easy answers how to fix things.  It does sound like BPD and this is a pattern that will unfortunately continue.

One thing I will say though, congrats on getting married!  That's your day and you absolutely must make it 100% about you and your spouse.  Don't worry about what your sister might say or do...or if she'll even show.  Whatever happens there will happen and you have zero control over it, which means worrying is senseless.  Let it go.

I know, I know...it's your big day.  So make it about you for once!