Sibling with BPD and a family schism

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,
This is my first post. I'm grateful to have found a community of people who may be managing similar difficulties in their family, and would love feedback/thoughts about my current circumstances from anyone who may have some wisdom.

My older sibling is not diagnosed to my knowledge but after taking time to research and better understand BPD, I feel confident that that this is what she is living with. Our family dynamic is peppered with decades of schisms, estrangements and accusations of abuse. She has a tendency to misunderstand other people's intentions through a lens that everyone has malicious intent towards her. Anything that any of us say can get easily misconstrued, sometimes shockingly so (one example: my dad made a comment that he was very fond of one of my childhood friends, and she felt he made that comment specifically to hurt her). Every few years she cuts us out because of something that she perceives as abusive, and she has a tendency to cut off friends after becoming convinced that they did something horrible to her.

Fast forward to this year. We've enjoyed a few years of peace as a family where everyone seemed to be getting along. Something my dad said to her on the phone was interpreted as malicious, and she decided to cut him off. My mom called her to try to reason with her, and then she cut her off. When I spoke to her about it, she claimed that our parents said horrible things to her that I know for a fact they didn't say, but I tend to be very gentle with pushback because she can become very volatile. I also have recognized over the years that it's not that she's lying--she really believes these things. It is very much HER reality, even if I personally would never interpret things the way she does.

She and I are still communicating -- my tactic is to send loving texts to her to make sure she knows I'm still here and I care about her, which she seems responsive to. Normally I would be okay accepting that we're entering a family cut-off phase, but my wedding is coming up in a few months and I'm starting to feel very nervous. Both of my parents have sent her messages telling her they love her and she hasn't responded.

There is a chance that she won't come to my wedding, and I told her that I support whatever she feels comfortable with. But if she DOES decide to come, I guess I'm nervous of my wedding becoming a backdrop for family drama. I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I need to have some contingency plans in place for a couple different possible scenarios. Any thoughts/feedback/advice is deeply appreciated.

[bigapple313]

Hi all,
This is my first post. I'm grateful to have found a community of people who may be managing similar difficulties in their family, and would love feedback/thoughts about my current circumstances from anyone who may have some wisdom.

My older sibling is not diagnosed to my knowledge but after taking time to research and better understand BPD, I feel confident that that this is what she is living with. Our family dynamic is peppered with decades of schisms, estrangements and accusations of abuse. She has a tendency to misunderstand other people's intentions through a lens that everyone has malicious intent towards her. Anything that any of us say can get easily misconstrued, sometimes shockingly so (one example: my dad made a comment that he was very fond of one of my childhood friends, and she felt he made that comment specifically to hurt her). Every few years she cuts us out because of something that she perceives as abusive, and she has a tendency to cut off friends after becoming convinced that they did something horrible to her.

Fast forward to this year. We've enjoyed a few years of peace as a family where everyone seemed to be getting along. Something my dad said to her on the phone was interpreted as malicious, and she decided to cut him off. My mom called her to try to reason with her, and then she cut her off. When I spoke to her about it, she claimed that our parents said horrible things to her that I know for a fact they didn't say, but I tend to be very gentle with pushback because she can become very volatile. I also have recognized over the years that it's not that she's lying--she really believes these things. It is very much HER reality, even if I personally would never interpret things the way she does.

She and I are still communicating -- my tactic is to send loving texts to her to make sure she knows I'm still here and I care about her, which she seems responsive to. Normally I would be okay accepting that we're entering a family cut-off phase, but my wedding is coming up in a few months and I'm starting to feel very nervous. Both of my parents have sent her messages telling her they love her and she hasn't responded.

There is a chance that she won't come to my wedding, and I told her that I support whatever she feels comfortable with. But if she DOES decide to come, I guess I'm nervous of my wedding becoming a backdrop for family drama. I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I need to have some contingency plans in place for a couple different possible scenarios. Any thoughts/feedback/advice is deeply appreciated.

[CC43]

Hi there,

What you describe about your sister sounds like BPD to me:  the cycles of estrangement, imagining ill intent in others, taking things the wrong way and uber-personally, volatile emotions, multiple claims of supposed abuse, the endless grievances, her impossible expectations.  She's always twisting fact patterns into a victim narrative, which isn't exactly lying, but is highly distorted and exaggerated, often with essential facts omitted.  For example, if your dad compliments someone else, your sister will typically take it as a personal insult.  In my opinion, the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because your sister thinks she's powerless over her own life.  She hasn't really taken responsibility for her own choices and actions, because she feels like she's a victim, which keeps her stuck in a rut, rehashing past grievances ad nauseum, instead of looking forward.  Does that sound about right?

I've written various times on these boards that certain events or milestones, like birthdays, graduations, weddings, funerals, illnesses, vacations, etc. are tinderboxes for pwBPD, because they are emotionally-charged, typically involve friends and family deemed "toxic," and are somewhat stressful--at the very least, they disrupt the usual routine.  The stress alone can derail the pwBPD.  You'd think she'd be happy for you, but I think it's not possible when she's not happy with herself.  You see, deep down she's probably feeling extremely insecure, jealous, inferior and alienated.  Your happiness is a stark reminder of your sister's own unhappiness.  On top of that, she can't stand to witness the attention you're getting, because she construes that as attention taken away from her.  Sometimes she'll create a scene to try to reclaim the attention she craves.  She might start an argument, hurl unfounded accusations or try to sabotage the event in some way.  If she's the avoidant type, she might try to punish you with her absence. 

So, what do you do?  I'm in a similar situation as you right now, with a family wedding coming up.  I think you invite your sister, but that you keep your expectations very low.  My guess is that she might not respond to the invitation, and I think that's OK.  You see, she can't RSVP, because she doesn't know herself if she's going to attend or not.  Her emotions are so volatile, even she doesn't know what she's going to do until the day comes.  If she shows up, great.  You try to recruit some help from a brother, uncle or somebody you trust to step in if your sister creates a scene.  They can escort her out until she calms down.  But no matter what happens, you go ahead and enjoy your special day to the max.  If you sister doesn't show up to the wedding, that's OK too.  Just trust that she wasn't feeling up to it, and she's segregating herself rather than risk ruining your special day.  If she's sulking alone, let her sulk alone--think of it as a needed "adult time out" for her.  Just remember, you have no control over your sister's emotions, and it's not your job to be her emotional caretaker, OK? 

In addition, I'd advise not to give your sister any responsibilities for the wedding, such as bridesmaid or reader.  If she balks, your excuse is that you didn't want to burden her with anything.  This is my general approach with my pwBPD.  Since I do not rely on her for anything, I won't be upset if she falls through.  I'll generally give her low-stakes options, and if she pulls through, then that's icing on the cake--but I don't set myself up for disappointment.  Like I wrote, I don't even expect an RSVP.

Hope that perspective helps a little.  Welcome to the group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were easy answers how to fix things.  It does sound like BPD and this is a pattern that will unfortunately continue.

One thing I will say though, congrats on getting married!  That's your day and you absolutely must make it 100% about you and your spouse.  Don't worry about what your sister might say or do...or if she'll even show.  Whatever happens there will happen and you have zero control over it, which means worrying is senseless.  Let it go.

I know, I know...it's your big day.  So make it about you for once!

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on the wedding. I don't think this is coincidental, not that your sister is connsciously doing this on purpose but from what I have seen, a pwBPD has a high need for attention and mental energy and will notice a shift in the focus on them. They will see this as something being taken from them- on purpose (victim mentality).

If your sister has BPD, she does not have the emotional stablity to reason that your wedding is your special day and that your parents' attention is expected to be on you. What she senses is the change in their attention.

This could be anything, not just your wedding. It might have been if your parents were busy with something else, or someone had a cold, or for any reason not providing their usual attention to her. You are able to say to yourself "Mom and Dad are busy" for your sister, who sees things from victim perspective, she sees "Mom and Dad are purposely not paying attention to me".

This is your wedding and also it's a big milestone for your parents. It's a happy one but also emotional. They've seen your first steps, your first day of school, all the way up to this one. Milestones, even good ones, are emotional for parents and so they are not as focused on your sister. Also family events come with some stresses and your sister is feeling that too. All this sets the stage for a pwBPD to act up.

I agree with having some kind of contingency plan. One is to designate someone to pay attention to your sister. My BPD mother was older but one thing I did for a family event was to hire a one on one caregiver/companion for her. This person's role was to be completely attentive to her, bring her her meals, and be her companion. This person dressed up like a guest and noone was the wiser. BPD mother did know it was help- but it appeared like a friend at the event.

With your sister being younger, this wouldn't work but something similar- a friend, companion, relative- someone who can be focused on her during the wedding and not get into drama with her- and also someone who will take her out of the room if she acts up. PwBPD tend to hold it together in front of people, so unless your sister drinks too much or gets overly agitated, she may not- but the standby friend may help. It may be an extra guest at the wedding but the cost for that is well worth the peace of mind. Your sister may decide to not show up and also might change her mind at the last minute but there will be someone on standby however this goes.

[ForeverDad]

If your sister has BPD, she does not have the emotional stability to reason that your wedding is your special day and that your parents' attention is expected to be on you. What she senses is the change in their attention.

This could be anything, not just your wedding. It might have been if your parents were busy with something else, or someone had a cold, or for any reason not providing their usual attention to her. You are able to say to yourself "Mom and Dad are busy" for your sister, who sees things from victim perspective, she sees "Mom and Dad are purposely not paying attention to me".

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) often never do get diagnosed.  So we have to deal with what we see and experience and conclude accordingly.  I remember my sibling was often sarcastic and seemed to have a chip on his shoulder, so to speak.  I always called him the grumpy one but I have concluded he has never been diagnosed.

PwBPD are largely unpredictable but in some ways they have predictable patterns.  They will typically have emotional overreactions to common triggers... weddings, funerals, anniversaries, family events, preparing for vacations, vacations, graduations, etc.

I agree with having some kind of contingency plan. One is to designate someone to pay attention to your sister. My BPD mother was older but one thing I did for a family event was to hire a one on one caregiver/companion for her. This person's role was to be completely attentive to her, bring her her meals, and be her companion. This person dressed up like a guest and no one was the wiser. BPD mother did know it was help- but it appeared like a friend at the event.

With your sister being younger, this wouldn't work but something similar- a friend, companion, relative- someone who can be focused on her during the wedding and not get into drama with her- and also someone who will take her out of the room if she acts up. PwBPD tend to hold it together in front of people, so unless your sister drinks too much or gets overly agitated, she may not- but the standby friend may help. It may be an extra guest at the wedding but the cost for that is well worth the peace of mind. Your sister may decide to not show up and also might change her mind at the last minute but there will be someone on standby however this goes.

Over a decade ago one of our members faced a concern about her mother's likely behavior at her upcoming wedding.  I admit, her approach was a bit more drastic than Notwendy's gentler approach.  I dug this out of the way back archives.

I recall the past posts of a member here, Lexi, where she hired off-duty police as security to be ready to remove any people (her mother) who tried to take over or make scenes at her wedding.

5 years ago I was a frequenter on this board as I was planning my wedding and watching my uBPD mom erupt like Mount Vesuvius... .  Yes, they will rant and scream, but that will subside with time.  I'm sure of it.  The boundary gets set when they realize that you aren't a sure source of feedback to their bad behavior.

It was hard for me to really realize that what I was seeking at the holidays was something picture-perfect that was never going to exist.  I spent a long time mourning the loss of things I never had--a mom who was able to treat me with love and respect.  I had to learn to take things for what they are.  You kind of need to go into things thinking of them just as acquaintances that have no right to hurt you...