UBPD husband's sudden turn around after me initiating breakup!

[Alz123]

I'll try and keep this brief but I could do with some advice from those who know what it's like to be with someone BPD (undiagnosed and unacknowledged in this case).

After 2 years of lies and defensiveness, mood swings, acting out, no repair etc. a couple of weeks ago I said that I've had enough and I want a separation.

Initially he went into impulsive mode - went out to find a flat to rent, secured it etc. Moods all over the place, ignoring me, being outright rude to me, then being nice, then back again. All over the show, which is what I had braced myself for. Always saying 'I've done everything to try and make things better. I'm not doing therapy, therapy doesn't work for me'. (he financially betrayed me which I found out in January).

In the last couple of days he's clearly realised this is actually going to happen and panicked. Panicking about losing me, the lifestyle he has with me. I felt for him but realised I can't rescue him from that.

Then came the change 'maybe therapy could work for us. I have realised that I haven't been able to hear your experience without getting defensive' (chatGPT helped him word this), "I need to work on that. I'm actually terrified of therapy. The fear of losing you is stronger than the fear of having couples therapy" (I understand that better than 'it doesn't work for me') He asked "what do you think?" I told him that I'm utterly confused because he says a different thing each day. He has also said "If I move out that's us done, no going back"

I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this. To me it feels like a desperation without the actual realisation of what's going on for him. I think it would feel different if it had come from him without the help of AI! Also if he was saying 'I've realised I've been awful and there are some things I need to address in myself".

Thank you in advance for anyone's thoughts on this. I was kind of expecting this turnaround to happen once we were separated which would have felt easier to deal with!

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[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome. So sorry that you're going through this, but know that you're not alone. This behaviour is pretty standard BPD - almost like a computer program that loads up and runs - and everyone here has been through it, in my own case for 4 years but in some cases for 25+ years.

Depending on his mood at the time, he will go through the 'I'm not bothered' phase and even seem to help you in your desire to end the relationship.. but then his mood changes and the fear of being alone - one of the strongest BPD fears - kicks in and he'll promise to change or do anything to have you stay with him.

Sadly, unless he truly is determined, any attempts at change rarely work out and once the BPD knows they've averted the main crisis - the breakup and fear of being alone - the old cycle resumes. You can read this in the many, many similar posts on here.

Sometimes my exBPD would seem to respond positively if she thought I really would leave but after a while she'd revert to her old ways.  Usually what you see now is what you'll always get.

You're doing nothing wrong, even if he tries to guilt-trip you into thinking that way (another BPD trait). You didn't cause his problems, you can't cure them and you certainly can't control them. None of us could.

I'm sure others will be along to offer their advice. Stay strong.

[ForeverDad]

To comment on the topic's title... This might be classified as an extinction burst where the other's sudden thought is to promise something just to go back to the prior pattern.

Whether you continue with a separation or not, either one may not make a difference and improve your spouse.  You are in a close relationship and the BPD traits make it exceedingly difficult for him to truly listen to you due to the persistent emotional baggage of the close relationship.

You can't fix him.  (You didn't cause it, you can't cure it.)  Only he can fix himself and that requires intensive personal therapy.  As I understand it, couples counseling can only provide supplemental support, in other words, not enough to address all his issues.

How for him to first work on himself and demonstrate lasting progress and not simply resume the endless on-again, off-again cycles?  Hard to answer that while in the midst of the relationship.

[Alz123]

Thank you both. I needed to read this today and I'm so sorry you've both been through it. Anyway, the sudden turn around has done another turn. I said something that I thought was pretty safe ie. not triggering, which triggered him, he told me to be more sensitive to him,  and he's taken himself off to a hotel for the night! Which of course is not very sensitive to me.

The hypocrisy is unbelievable.

I do feel for him that this is coming from a very wounded place in him but I'm losing empathy as I realise just how reluctant / unwilling he is to address it all.

[Under The Bridge]

The hypocrisy is unbelievable.

I think it's the most damaging aspect of BPD. Unless you've actually been through it, people will never believe how bad it can be.  I always think it's like a notebook where they've torn out all the previous entries and each day is totally unconnected to what's gone before.  Their ability to idolise you one moment then instantly forget you and take up with someone new is truly frightening.

Of course they have a mental illness but it doesn't justify their actions or make them easier to accept. The end product is that the non-BPD gets hurt constantly and the relationship is toxic. Plus I've always believed the BPD often knows exactly what they're doing ands not all of it is beyond their control; they can be be very premeditated when they want to be.

How is your partner when other people are around? Is he able to switch into 'nice' mode when others are watching?

[Alz123]

Yes, it is hard to explain to someone that isn't in it! He is a delight when he's around others and yes, can switch to nice mode. Although if he's in hostile mode he will often just decide not to go out even if it's something we are both supposed to be doing, which leaves me in the lurch. There have been many times we've had something planned socially with others, something has pissed him off and he refuses to go.

That's a really helpful way to look at it actually - that it can be totally different from one day to the next. I will try and keep that in mind so I don't expect the same and feel disappointed.

[ForeverDad]

I recall one incident in my final months of my marriage.  I was noticing a pattern, rather, a lack of a pattern.  I would leave in the morning with a normal spouse and return at night to a raging stranger.  I also could leave a raging spouse in the morning and return to a normal spouse.

There was one evening I returned to a normal spouse but as she was telling me about her day, it reminded her about something and all of a sudden her face reddened and contorted into her other persona.  I think I witnessed her transforming into a dissociated state.

No, it didn't start out that way, but as is often reported here, it worsened once we had a child, going from a twosome to a threesome.  I had imagined that if we had a child together, she would be happier watching our child discover the joys of life. I was so clueless then, it didn't fix what was the deeper issue, but it did make the custody and parenting issues vastly more complicated in the coming years.

[Alz123]

Yes that's so true! I don't know which version I'm going to get throughout the day. He's just came home from a days golf and he's talking to me but definitely not like the remorseful husband he was 2 days ago. He's just gone to have a bath so who knows which version will come out of that bathroom in an hour.

Thankfully we both had our children with other partners so we haven't got that to deal with. We've only been married 2 years but this side definitely showed up after the honeymoon