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Author Topic: Back on the roller coaster but now it's BPD now  (Read 371 times)
Ontheropes77

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: February 16, 2017, 10:13:36 AM »



Hi Guys and Girls

I think I need to join your club. Let me start by giving a little back story. 21 Years with UBPDGF. We have two children and I guess your wondering why not married. Truth is it that she has never been content for long enough for me to ask although I have come close on a few occasions. In fact we do not even live together at this moment Let me start by stating that I am committed to working on it and am already using some of the methods here. I have been told its over on more occasions than i can remember (maybe 40 or 50)and I have had to beg, plead each and every time before eventually is is decreed as my fault and the dance starts again. I come from a divorced family and my mother was always very spiteful and domineering and gives absolutely nothing back. My sister and I have accepted it and love her regardless. My father who was a lovely vibrant man unfortunately passed away 3 years ago this month.   I could do with him now! I am co dependant although making huge strides to fix this.  It seems fair to reveal that during one of my unwanted breaks from my partner when she yet again told me I was single and should go out and meet some one and I did for one night. She managed to find out some years later and boy do i pay for it from time to time.  Strangely the forgiveness for this act was a lot easier to gain than all the occasions where i have done nothing wrong. She left me for a year about three years ago as well. I was convinced it was mid life crisis and joined a forum. It was always apparent that my previous relationship troubles were far more numerous than most others but the back story of a childhood abuse did fit. After chasing her for 6 months including whilst she hooked up with a much older man than me I finally started to come out my funk and used the tools on the MLC  website. They are very similar to the boundaries etc that are taught on this site. Within three months she was chasing me, dumped the other man and asked me back. I accepted and had my family... .all good... .hell no. :stars:

When we got back, I kept my boundaries in place and her behaviour, although still erratic was a lot better. It felt like she had grown up. My boundaries slipped. We made the biggest decision we had ever made last year and purchased a house 200 miles away from where we lived. It was her choice and I facilitated it and committed to moving my business. She works part time and will not be paying any bills but the house deeds are in both our names as I wanted it that way. I wanted to be normal. I thought finally she will have the security which she craves etc. WRONG. Ever since we completed the purchase she has been a nightmare. She has accused me of lying about how much money we had to pay the solicitors and point blank refuses to look at the correspondence. She has accused me of putting her on the mortgage against her will when she had previously insisted she needed to be on it as her brother warned her against not being on it. She has accused me of cheating and has turned up at my work to confront a women who lives upstairs. She went when my work colleagues turned up but not before slagging me off to them. She has punched me in the face when we got home after I moaned that my back was hurting during a hospital visit for her. I mean I literally just mentioned it to explain why I had a grimace. There was nothing wrong with her and I had to miss another afternoons wages. I am always the one who is missing work or running around. She does not drive and a lot of stuff is way to much bother for her.  All i get is you dont care , your selfish blah blah blah. I did not see my family all over christmas but we saw hers! I am getting annoyed just typing. There is so much that it would take me weeks. Latest situation is after a week of her going through my phone whilst i am sleeping and accusing me of cheating as soon as i awake despite the fact that there is nothing at all on my phone. She grabbed my testicles and squeezed them last week and told me to go and f**k my whore. Final straw was when she started 7 days ago because my sister had sent me a text asking if i wanted to have a 40th birthday party at her house next week. I had not even opened it yet I was planning a party behind her back. She was invited even though my sister has little affection for her. UBPDgf will not even try to make things right even though my sister has invited her to her wedding. UBPDgf decided to hit herself and told me she was going to call the police and say that I done it. I took all my stuff and left and told her I had had enough.

Let me just state that  I am not perfect but I am very caring and i do all I can to help her whatever she needs. At Christmas we were like loves young dream. In fact every 4-6 weeks there is a massive swing and I am now starting to realise that this is not me.

We are now in a strange limbo as she has stopped talking about the imagined affair, she has not raged as such and really seems to be holding her tongue whilst refusing to acknowledge any wrong doing. I am in the position of wanting to get back to relationship state where we can stay in the same house. Especially as we are moving to our new home in two months. I am totally mindf##ked but I need to sort this. Where do i go from here. Everytime she rages or accuses me of things I have not done I explain  calmly that I will talk to her later. It seems like she wants me to relent and chase her but I HAVE DONE NOTHING but protect me by leaving after threats. I mean she threatened to fit me up after I have already turned a blind eye to three physical assaults in the last 4 months. She is tiny and I am a 6 ft 2 ex boxer but I am finding myself anxious in her company. I never had that before. Sorry for being long winded. There are a lot more little events which I would like to share as time goes on but right now I just need some reassurance I suppose.
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Ontheropes77

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2017, 10:43:59 AM »

I just want to update as the initial post is one yhat I typed two weeks ago. I then discovered this community and I need all the help I can get. In between the above and last week she also verbally abused me on my 40th birthday when I had made an exception to visit my daughter in her flat. She also told my 18 yr old daughter about her unfounded suspicions of an affair. Latest is that I have actually  stuck to my boundary.  I have never really let her get to the point of needing to beg for me to return. Even though she always finishes it. I always gave in. Now I have kept to my limit of not entering her flat due to her constant baiting and abuse she has got even angrier. She has now told me last night that she is not coming to the new house so I now have to move 200 miles away from my daughter. She has still not told our daughter who is going to be devastated. I remained calm and said that we should really discuss this. She reeled of 5 instances of my so called bad behaviour stretching back over the last year or so. Mainly little flash points caused by her overeactions. I calmly said that I loved her and wished for our family to move as planned. I also very calmly advised that whatever she felt about me right now I deserve better.  Not sure if I handled it right but I can not face talking to her today and have had the day off work trying to think how to unscramble this mess. Also had a solicitors letter threatening a court order to sell if I do not take her off the mortgage. On Monday she was telling the kids how she was going to start painting again after the move and D6 was packing toys away. I am not sure if it is bluff to provoke me or not. I am beginning to wish I had not started boundaries but saying that during our last break up (it seems to be every three years!) I sucked up at the beginning which just seemed to make her worse as well. Hopefully i have shortened the cycle this time. Interestingly her last major freak out was from autumn to spring as well. This started in September this time and has been very slow burning.
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Ontheropes77

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2017, 08:25:29 AM »

Hi guys and girls

Just wanted to share a text I sent to my now ex wife I suppose. It is to explain my position regarding her now refusing to come to the new house although I put it into story form as I thought it might help. Just want some feedback on wether I have dropped a clanger


Once there were 4 water lilly seeds. They had to get to a tranquil pond to grow. Before they reached their destination, facing them was a raging torrent. They had to pass this torrent before getting to the pond. Now the seeds were scared, ALL of them, but they knew the reward was worth it. No one who got to the pond really ever wanted to leave. Once the journey started it was almost too much to bear. At some points in the journey some of the seeds felt they could not make it. The problem was that the torrent was so severe to turn back would just be too damaging to maybe allow them to grow. It was better to go with the flow. One seed was aware of this and wished he could express this.  He knew that at times in the journey that he maybe did not show enough awareness of their fears. This was not because a lack of concern but more that he was just trying to stay above water until they reached the pond. When it was obvious the others were not going to join him he had a choice. He could stay in the rapids and allow all of them to get picked apart by the flow or plough ahead to show the other seeds it can be done. He hoped with all his heart that the others would see how wonderful the pond was when he got there and push themselves on of their own free will. He hoped that the others would realize that he was just as scared as them and that there was nothing wrong with that. This seed loved all the other seeds very, very much and realised that all he could control was his own love and no one else's. This seed also realised that when the other seeds got  angry with him it was often fear and not anger and he would never hold that against someone he cared about so deeply. x

Do you think this is likely to make things worse. I think I am in the middle of an extinction burst right now and it's hard work to stay detached. No reply yet but I guess it is a lot to take in if you are dysregulated.
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