Married to BPD Wife - Lack of Intamacy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone I'm brand new to the message board. Wife was recently dx'd w/BPD (after in-patient hospitalization late last year). We have been together for 6, going on 7 years and I am trying best to remain patient continue to be by her side but the lack of intimacy between us is driving a huge wedge in moving forward. Leading to her hospitalization she ended up talking to someone else and had what I considered to be an affair. He was out of state - but "I love yous" were exchanged, photos, and sexting had occurred. This also isn't my first rodeo in dealing with situations such as this, but it was our first since we've had kids. Needless to say, I was very hurt, I felt betrayed, unwanted, not good enough... .

Post hospitalization she has claimed that she really does love me, she can't live without me, etc. She also enrolled in an intense outpatient treatment program with DBT coping skills. However, the person she was in contact with kept trying to reach out to her and make contact.

When it comes to intimacy - I feel completely unwanted and unloved. She was also diagnosed with having a high sex drive but we rarely have sex maybe once or twice a month. We are both on the cusp of 30. I could understand if part of her treatment protocol was reduced sex drive, but have a very difficult time grasping that if you are diagnosed with a high sex drive, who does she turn to - because she does not turn to me. I myself have a high sex drive and when we first started dating, we would have sex multiple times a day.

What hurts deeply is how can she show love and affection and sexual interest to someone else but not me? When do have sex alcohol is usually involved and the sex is also great on both sides. But this also makes me feel like the only reason she will sleep with me is if alcohol is involved. I am tired of feeling unloved, unwanted, like a second or "safe" choice. I deserve and need more and don't know how much longer I can go on with getting my emotional and physical needs addressed. I feel like an after thought. Somewhere along the way, I feel like I became more like her father and less of the lover and husband I used to be. I miss the intimacy and passion we once had in our relationship and no matter how hard I try, it feels like nothing I say or do is enough.

Needless to say her diagnosis and treatment is all new. But we also have long running trust issues. I recognize that I myself also have issues independent of hers that need to work. Obviously our history is more complicated that what this post entails - but I don't know where to turn. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unwanted, unsatisfied and unloved. I still love her and want our marriage to work but I feel myself teetering on edge. I feel like everyone and everything else is her priority but me and since her breakdown, I have made her, our kids, and our family my priority. I feel complete unreciprocated at times. I don't want to live like this anymore.

[dadistrying]

Hello everyone I'm brand new to the message board. Wife was recently dx'd w/BPD (after in-patient hospitalization late last year). We have been together for 6, going on 7 years and I am trying best to remain patient continue to be by her side but the lack of intimacy between us is driving a huge wedge in moving forward. Leading to her hospitalization she ended up talking to someone else and had what I considered to be an affair. He was out of state - but "I love yous" were exchanged, photos, and sexting had occurred. This also isn't my first rodeo in dealing with situations such as this, but it was our first since we've had kids. Needless to say, I was very hurt, I felt betrayed, unwanted, not good enough... .

Post hospitalization she has claimed that she really does love me, she can't live without me, etc. She also enrolled in an intense outpatient treatment program with DBT coping skills. However, the person she was in contact with kept trying to reach out to her and make contact.

When it comes to intimacy - I feel completely unwanted and unloved. She was also diagnosed with having a high sex drive but we rarely have sex maybe once or twice a month. We are both on the cusp of 30. I could understand if part of her treatment protocol was reduced sex drive, but have a very difficult time grasping that if you are diagnosed with a high sex drive, who does she turn to - because she does not turn to me. I myself have a high sex drive and when we first started dating, we would have sex multiple times a day.

What hurts deeply is how can she show love and affection and sexual interest to someone else but not me? When do have sex alcohol is usually involved and the sex is also great on both sides. But this also makes me feel like the only reason she will sleep with me is if alcohol is involved. I am tired of feeling unloved, unwanted, like a second or "safe" choice. I deserve and need more and don't know how much longer I can go on with getting my emotional and physical needs addressed. I feel like an after thought. Somewhere along the way, I feel like I became more like her father and less of the lover and husband I used to be. I miss the intimacy and passion we once had in our relationship and no matter how hard I try, it feels like nothing I say or do is enough.

Needless to say her diagnosis and treatment is all new. But we also have long running trust issues. I recognize that I myself also have issues independent of hers that need to work. Obviously our history is more complicated that what this post entails - but I don't know where to turn. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unwanted, unsatisfied and unloved. I still love her and want our marriage to work but I feel myself teetering on edge. I feel like everyone and everything else is her priority but me and since her breakdown, I have made her, our kids, and our family my priority. I feel complete unreciprocated at times. I don't want to live like this anymore.

[Mutt]

Hi dadistrying,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's incredibly painful when your partner is intimate somebody else outside of the family. I can relate with that, my ex-wife had an affiar, I know how the betrayal hits you like a ton of bricks. I like you didn't have sex with my ex for a long times, she was projecting that it was I that wasn't sexually interested in her. Everyone's situation is unique and their own, my marriage did last, there were other components that were at play too.

You're young, I don't know if i'd look too far ahead and think that things are always going to be this way, I can tell that you're tired and you want change. I'm guilt of this too, often we want the other person to change, there are only two things that we can control. Our thoughts and feelings, we can't control somebody else. I'm sure another member has some advice to give you when you're not having sex in the r/s.

I agree with you that it's a good idea for you to see a T ( therapist) to work on trust, anger and betrayal. If there's advice that i'd like to give you is a pwBPD are like a two year old emotionally in an adults body, feelings are facts and they can't remember the past emotionally and can't see ahead in the future, they live in the moment now. It doesn't mean that you feel the way that you do about your partner, validate your feelings with your T and with the group, maybe think about resetting the r/s to ground zero, the issues in the past that are unresolved and that we argue about make the r/s suffer. A pwBPD can't problem solve, that's going to have to come from you.


PS The lessons are on the right side of the board 

[lovenature]

Welcome d

The reality is that when we get too close to a PWBPD they push us away, then pull us back because they fear abandonment more than anything. To what extent intimacy is ok depends on their emotion of the moment; one day they want sex, next day they don't want a neighbor to see them hugging you. The "borderline" is always moving depending on how they feel.

While there are many similarities to our stories, there are no two relationships or people that are exactly the same. I would recommend looking at the overall of your situation, try listing all the positives vs. negatives, and be realistic about the likely outcome of your decisions.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey dadistrying:   
I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your wife.  People with BPD can be impulsive and take risks.  Unfortunately, that can lead to cheating. 

I think that the internet and online dating websites, make it too easy to get into cheating situations.  If you take the BPD out of the equation, people can be intrigued by the fantasy involved in an online romance.  Fantasy is always better than reality and imagination can sometime conjure quite an exciting fantasy. 

The excerpt below if from an article on Sexual Behavior in Borderline Personality

Sexual Behavior in Borderline Personality
A Review
Randy A. Sansone, MD corresponding author and Lori A. Sansone, MD
Conclusion
The majority of the literature in this area suggests that in comparison with individuals without BPD, those with BPD evidence greater sexual impulsivity as indicated by higher levels of sexual preoccupation, earlier sexual exposure, more casual sexual relationships, a greater number of different sexual partners, promiscuity, and homosexual experiences. In addition, these patients evidence greater victimization as indicated by a higher number of high-risk sexual behaviors; greater likelihood of being coerced to have sex, date rape, or rape by a stranger; and more sexually transmitted diseases. Note that both of these themes, impulsivity and victimization, characterize the psychological themes encountered in a number of other common behaviors in BPD (e.g., alcohol and substance misuse/abuse, eating pathology, difficulty regulating money). From a psychiatric perspective, these findings suggest that sexual impulsivity and victimization are practical clinical concerns in patients with BPD, both in terms of relevant psychological themes as well as health risks. From a primary care perspective, findings suggest that clinicians in these settings need to maintain a high index of suspicion about the possibility of multiple sexual partners, sexual traumatization, and sexually transmitted diseases in these patients as well as the need to address contraception and prophylaxis against sexually transmitted diseases. Likewise, patients who present with promiscuity in primary care settings may need to be evaluated for BPD and possibly referred for treatment to a mental health professional.

In summary, the psychodynamic theme of impulsivity, as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, appears to be a legitimate sub-criterion in many patients with BPD. What seems to be missing in the current descriptors is the undertone of victimization that also characterizes the sexual behavior of these patients.

The complete article can be found at the link below:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3071095/

Dr. Wendy Walsh Gives Tips to Spice It Up
The Crockpot Rule
It may sound counter intuitive, but scheduling sex can make for better sex. Consider that men are microwaves and women are crockpots — they take a lot longer to warm up and need the psychosocial aspect to reach their optimum.
Key Party
If you can't talk about your fantasies, write them down. In a monogamous version of a "key party," each time you have sex, take turns drawing a piece of paper from a jar that contains your partner's fantasies. You never know what exciting event will be in store for you.

As Mutt suggested, perhaps some therapy could be helpful.  Perhaps it could be an opportunity to discuss several aspects of your relationship with your wife.

[dadistrying]

Hello everyone, thanks for all your feedback and welcoming me to the community. It's great to know that support exists for family members such as ourselves.

I neglected to mention that in addition to BPD my wife also suffers from BiPD II. This morning, I was able to have an honest conversation with her and she had said that for the past few weeks now she has been in more of the cycle of depression as opposed to elevated mood or normalcy. I am so glad that she has opened up to me because it now gives me a bit more understanding. I'm assuming it was would be fair to say that the lack of intimacy may not be attributed to the BPD alone but also the current depressive state. 

This depression became worse once she realized there were insurance issues looming for IOP/partial outpatient program she was attending. Unfortunately, after an appeal process, the insurance company continued to deny further treatment stating her newly dx condition could be treated in a traditional outpatient setting since they had recently stepped her down the week prior from 5 days/week to 3 days/week. She was making such great process in terms of processing and articulating her thoughts and was actually interested in pursuing treatment. However, because of the insurance company denial, she was forced to abruptly end treatment with no true aftercare plan developed. I have been scrambling to find appropriate care and managed to find a few physicians - but she still feels very defeated and uncertain. She was also just starting to open up about the previous trauma she had endured and was starting to feel safe in her treatment environment.

Empathetically I realize I need to have patience and probably ensure that long-term care is in play before I can expect to see major improvements. It's a new battle both for her and myself as well as us as a couple. The demons we faced for so many years now have a name, and it will take time before there can be pivotal groundbreaking improvements. I also agree that I myself should likely seek therapy because, this is ultimately a lot to process - I need an unattached perspective that can remain unbiased.

Since posting this yesterday, however, I became very upset when I discovered the person who she was communicating with prior to her hospital stay (referenced in my OP) liked my company page on Facebook (I'm an admin of the company page). I feel as if though he is now stalking me. (He had reached out to me during her hospital stay for updates. She was actually communicating with him on the way to the hospital and I ended up calling him asking him not to reach out to her family (he knows her family) for details because I have yet to speak to them. The whole day of the hospitalization was a bit traumatic for myself and probably needs its own in-depth post... .) Long story short I cut off the updates around day 2 of her hospitalization and upon discharge, she resumed contact, which I made myself clear I would not tolerate. He persisted in calling her non-stop throughout the end of January but she told me she cut off all communication. However, with the lack of intimacy occurring in our own relationship and now what appears to be him digging deeper into my background I begin to wonder if this is, in fact, true. Did she really cut off all communication? I want to confront her about it, but I don't want to necessarily trigger something if nothing exists. My emotional reaction was to say "it looks like your boyfriend is stalking me, due to the mess you've made." However, I know being passive aggressive will not give me the resolution I am looking for. Also, if she really is keeping up her end of the bargain (abstaining from contact), I don't want to give her a reason to reach out to him. Should I bring it up to her? Should I contact him ask him why he is stalking me? Should I do both? Or should I just let it be? I want to handle this situation productively. I know it will feel great to vent but that's not going to get me anywhere. Any advice?

[SamwizeGamgee]

This is a fundamental trust issue that would be trying even for two "nons" (people without significant PD traits).  I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.  This is an issue that will not go away by your actions and statements to her alone.  Sadly, some hearts wander.  You have every right to express what you want, how her actions affect you, and you can always decide for yourself what you are going to do about it.

I will add that in my case, my wife was the opposite of sexually active, yet has profound BPD traits and background.  She was frigid, and generally avoided sex, so it can't be a rule for BPD behavior to be high sex drive.  I think it was party in her nature that I define as "she's not happy unless I'm not happy" form of manipulation.