Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
April 23, 2024, 04:27:46 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
Cat Familiar
,
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
You mean nothing to me
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: You mean nothing to me (Read 416 times)
jo19854
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 143
You mean nothing to me
«
on:
February 16, 2017, 01:46:35 PM »
Hi all, the subject name is exactly the phrase that came up in my mind today.
I am not going to into all kind of details of my past with my wife. In my profile I described it in detail.
After 3 years alone, suddenly deserted by wife while i was at work in February 2014 and knowing her for about 11 years I still pick up the pieces every day. I am not a saint but I was good for her, not me but my love for her saved her life more then once. I did put my heart over my mind, that's who I am and I pay the price.
Every day she is in my mind and how hard I try, I still love her.
In the last year's I was able to return (to USA) her valuables, all clothing and even pension plan papers from a pension plan I bought for her in Holland. I have never ever heard from her, never got any explanation. No adress, no closure. No response after receiving over 150 pounds of personal belongings.
Still lots of tears, missing her every day and treatment for trauma.
But today I realised that I am not only in shock because of her abandoning me.
It's also because her zero response tells me " You mean nothing to me" .
That really hurts , and I can imagine that is how many of us feel
Jo
Logged
One day at a time
noideaforname
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 58
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #1 on:
February 16, 2017, 02:05:59 PM »
well i can say that the times she actually responded me... .she said those words... ."you don't mean nothing to me anymore"
so as hard as it is... .and from what she told me... .she met a new person that has more things in commmon with her and she has seen the light of what she really wants
amazing
Logged
kentavr3
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #2 on:
February 16, 2017, 02:28:48 PM »
It is not her response is telling you. It is your imagination is telling you. Same happened with me. You need to understand , that we all are heavily codependent. You are playing a victim role now. Do you have a chance to see a therapist?
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #3 on:
February 16, 2017, 09:01:12 PM »
Hi jo19854,
Excerpt
Every day she is in my mind and how hard I try, I still love her.
In the last year's I was able to return (to USA) her valuables, all clothing and even pension plan papers from a pension plan I bought for her in Holland. I have never ever heard from her, never got any explanation. No adress, no closure. No response after receiving over 150 pounds of personal belongings.
I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time, many of us on the board can relate with the void that our partners create when they don't give us closure, unfortunately it's not something that many of our exes can provide, we can and have to give closure to ourselves. It helps to share our feelings with fellow members so that we can go through a post mortem of the r/s, everybody's healing is different but it helps to talk about it and not avoid with substance abuse, gambling, self destructive behaviors.
Your ex is avoiding because if she faced you it would bring up painful feelings of shame, some of us become a source of shame for our ex partners, my ex avoided me for the same reasons, it was another r/s that failed for her out of many r/s's, she couldn't face the pain that she had cause from abandoning me. We can recover from this pain, we have to let go of the image that we have of our exes in our heads, an image that is not realistic of our exe partners, there is good and bad, our exes suffer from a serious life long mental ilness, our love is not above the disorder, we can't cure it with our love, we have to accept reality for what it is, it will speed up our recovery, everyone grieves in their own way but we can help ourselves with strategies to recover more quickly.
PS The lessons are on the right side of the board, i'd also like to point out the quote, attachment leads to suffering, detachment leads to freedom
Logged
"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
jo19854
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 143
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #4 on:
February 18, 2017, 10:44:37 AM »
Indeed Mutt, grieving, it's hard. Thank you for the words of support, it's true what you wrote, as cruel as reality is.
Noid , it's how it feels for me. If she would have said it in my face at least I could have had my say-so on it. Sorry it happened to you.
Kentavr, I get trauma treatment soon. Disagree on codependency, sorry. The codependency movement blew a certain reaction originally connected to addiction way out of proportion. But anyway I do respect your point of view
Jo
Logged
One day at a time
FallenOne
Formerly Matt.S
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 321
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #5 on:
February 18, 2017, 11:32:16 AM »
Same thing happened to me... I was abandoned exactly 2 months ago and she started dating a girl who she had already been seeing during the past few breakups.
I too get the message that "I meant nothing to her" by getting the total silence...
It would be nice to know that after 4 years together, I meant something to her?
I was not always the best boyfriend, but my intentions were always positive and I always wanted the best for both of us. I tried very hard to make her happy and give her the life she deserved. It seems like that doesn't count for anything?
In the end, none of the good things that I had done seemed to matter... .just my mistakes.
They are cowards and cannot face anything.
Logged
Mutt
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #6 on:
February 18, 2017, 12:55:32 PM »
Excerpt
I too get the message that "I meant nothing to her" by getting the total silence...
If you think about splitting as a defense mechanism and the disorder being triggered by intimacy, a pwBPD
split the people that they care about the most black.
Our exes cannot communicate effectively due to strong defense mechanisms, it's the nature of the disorder, but if you look closely there are signs there, it's difficult to see when we're emotionally wounded and suffering from our own pain.
Logged
"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
jo19854
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 143
Re: You mean nothing to me
«
Reply #7 on:
February 19, 2017, 06:28:23 AM »
Quote from: Mutt on February 18, 2017, 12:55:32 PM
... .it's the nature of the disorder, but if you look closely there are signs there, it's difficult to see when we're emotionally wounded and suffering from our own pain.
Hi Mutt,
Can you explain a bit more about what you are saying? I mean, in the last year being with me she had a chemo for HepC and in that period she withdraw wich i blamed on the treatment (supported by her doctor who said it was a common side effect). At that time i was working to make a home and a doing the chores. I was motivated and afraid, but not wounded. Now i am.
Ive never heard from her after she left with only a note. She thanked me for everything. Last year ive heard from her other ex (father of their children) she labeled me being a drama queen for my grieving.
Jo
Logged
One day at a time
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
You mean nothing to me
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...