Holy Heck am I Painted BLACK

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my stbxw cheated on me, told me about it after I called the cops on her for assaulting me. Was pretty wishy washy about be till recently and now I am full BLACK. The blow ups are crazy and over the smallest things. On different occasions: I told her she couldn't use my computer, she requested we file taxes as married and I said no, and I asked her to sign something for me (I wrote letters to the states attorney to get the assault against her dropped) and she has blown up:

- I am a nasty person
- I don't care about her needs and I should
- I'm manipulative
- I'm a sorry Mother F'er
- I'm selfish
- I'm hateful
- I don't give a F about anyone other than myself
- just got a new job she says "I hope it sucks for you"
- "I hate you"

Keep in mind, she cheated on me, she assaulted me, she's lied to me, and I NEVER told this woman "no" the entire 4+ years we were together, I did everything for her. Even though (looking back) she was in the devaluation stage she kept telling me I'm an amazing man (trying to convince herself?).

It's painful because her reality is so off, she has disregarded all the things I've done for her and I'm not that nasty person she has in her mind. I know that I can't convince her otherwise right now or ever so I don't even try. Divorce will be quick, we've already agreed on terms. I'm going to IMMENSELY miss my son.

[VeganButEatMyMea]

So my stbxw cheated on me, told me about it after I called the cops on her for assaulting me. Was pretty wishy washy about be till recently and now I am full BLACK. The blow ups are crazy and over the smallest things. On different occasions: I told her she couldn't use my computer, she requested we file taxes as married and I said no, and I asked her to sign something for me (I wrote letters to the states attorney to get the assault against her dropped) and she has blown up:

- I am a nasty person
- I don't care about her needs and I should
- I'm manipulative
- I'm a sorry Mother F'er
- I'm selfish
- I'm hateful
- I don't give a F about anyone other than myself
- just got a new job she says "I hope it sucks for you"
- "I hate you"

Keep in mind, she cheated on me, she assaulted me, she's lied to me, and I NEVER told this woman "no" the entire 4+ years we were together, I did everything for her. Even though (looking back) she was in the devaluation stage she kept telling me I'm an amazing man (trying to convince herself?).

It's painful because her reality is so off, she has disregarded all the things I've done for her and I'm not that nasty person she has in her mind. I know that I can't convince her otherwise right now or ever so I don't even try. Divorce will be quick, we've already agreed on terms. I'm going to IMMENSELY miss my son.

[Mutt]

Hi VeganButEatMyMea,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I completely understand how painful it is when we don't recognize our ex partners because they have nothing but disdain and anger for us. It's the mother of all tantrums when a r/s breaks with a pwBPD, keep in mind that not all pwBPD act this way. I can relate with you, I remember my ex telling me she was going to leave me, her and her boyfriend hadn't come out yet, it was three weeks before she was moving out with the kids and we were at a New Year's Eve house party and I couldn't talk to her, it was like a completely different person in front of me, she gave me the finger.

Probably about 90% of what a pwBPD say is about themselves, don't take the mental illness personally it's something that our exes are going through but we can have our feelings about it too, it helps to validate them.

Do you have custody arrangement or court order for custody and access for your son?

[VeganButEatMyMea]

We agreed to 50/50 custody and 50/50 legal custody. I don't think she'll keep me from him, she hates me but knows I'm not great dad.

Yes she is a completely different person, like the person I married died and another nasty person took over her body.  I just keep telling myself that she's ill/BPD. The last text tirade actually happened when I was in session with my therapist. He just shook his head and told me not to respond (I didn't).

I appreciate the time you took to respond Mutt!

[Mutt]

We agreed to 50/50 custody and 50/50 legal custody

You followed good advice, it can be difficult to not take the bait sometimes, it takes practice. 50/50 arrangement, is this in a court order signed off by a judge?

[VeganButEatMyMea]

50/50 arrangement, is this in a court order signed off by a judge?

No not yet. We agreed to it, I had my lawyer draw up my divorce complaint against her stating 50/50, she came to my lawyers office agreed and signed the paperwork.  So the paperwork that went to the court for our divorce hearing (which is scheduled for Feb 21st) has our agreement of 50/50 custody.

Spoke to my lawyers today and the only time she can change her mind is during the hearing when the judge will ask her if she agrees. So nothing is set in stone yet.

[heartandwhole]

It's painful because her reality is so off, she has disregarded all the things I've done for her and I'm not that nasty person she has in her mind. I know that I can't convince her otherwise right now or ever so I don't even try.

Hi VBEMM,

It's good that your realize this.  It will help with your co-parenting to stay stable and grounded. It can be so challenging when your ex is recounting the exact opposite. Try not to be hard on yourself if you get sucked in. You loved this person and have a child with her—the bond is there, so take very good care of yourself and erect good boundaries.

Is your lawyer optimistic that the 50/50 custody will be final?

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Is your lawyer optimistic that the 50/50 custody will be final?

I've asked him this several times and he always says "well she's agreeable, you're agreeable, I don't see why the judge won't sign off on it".  That's almost verbatim every time, so maybe a little optimistic.

[VeganButEatMyMea]

I don't know why but I have this irrational thought: I want her to come back, beg to come back.  I really did treat her well and really overlooked all of her flaws, really picked my battles.  I know that she is not good for me, I know in the long run she did me a favor... .outside of losing the ability to watch my son grow up on a day to day basis.

When the mirroring period ended she gained weight, slept all the time (like a child needs a nap after exertion), stopped cooking/cleaning/taking care of herself, she would eat like a pig and BLAME ME FOR ALL OF IT!  She literally said to me while we were together "I gained weight/stopped cooking/eat like a pig/don't pretty myself up/etc. because of you... .you're too nice to me and let me do all these things".  Infuriates me!

Now I know that I can't tell her all of these things now and probably never. She has forgotten the person I am and replaced me with a "nasty" person as she calls me. I'm hoping (for some stupid reason) that she will, after many failed relationships, realize how good I was to her and maybe years down the road beg to come back.  I'm fully confident that if that day ever comes I will be in a healthier place to tell her "no". 

I mean if she called me today and begged to come back the ONLY reason I would do it is to not lose my son. She's a BPD cheater, I know that if I took her back I would be right back on this forum in 6 months saying the same thing "she cheated and left me again!". 

[Mutt]

Hi VeganButEatMyMea,

I would do it is to not lose my son.

We all get triggered from time to time, I think that what helps is to talk about with someone, so you did right by bringing up what's bugging you. You may not see this now, you'll probably see this later, I worried about the same thing, I stayed in the marriage because I could be closer to the kids and I could protect them, what I didn't realize is that I can do a better job not married to my kids's mom.

Do you want your son to see mom treat you like that? Kids are always watching us, I didn't want the kids to see their dad being accosted by their mom, called down, being treated like dirt. I stuck up for myself because I didn't want the kids to copy what I did later on and stay in an abusive relationship. I wanted to teach them to stick up for themselves, obviously their too young now but I want to be their role model, my dad never thought me anything about r/s's, I just want my kids to have a better chance then I did.

Your son is going to need a safe place, think of it this way, we suffered from a lot of anxiety in these r/s because of the emotional uproars from out pwBPD, read some of the stories on the coping board from our members, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0 you'll see a common theme with dads and how the kids wished that their dad's stuck up for themselves and protected them from their mom. Establish a routine in your home, validate your son, don't talk bad about mom in front of your son, be that role model for him, it will pay dividends down the road.