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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I wrote him a letter (draft)  (Read 395 times)
SettingBorders
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« on: February 17, 2017, 04:17:35 PM »

Hello.  I'm struggeling to leave my boyfriend of seven years. He is undiagnosed and high functioning. His traits aren't as strong as in other SOs here on the board, but I can't care for him on the long term. We have a daugther of 4 months. He loves her a lot. We moved into a bigger flat two months ago, which is right next to our old one. I rented the old flat myself in case of a breakup.

I wrote him a letter. I want to break up, do the break up talk with someone staying next door for security reasons and then give him the letter. It's goal is to pacify him, assure him that I don't intend to withdraw our daugther AND to show him what I would have expected.

I would like to discuss the draft with you. It's a translation from my mother language, which is why some wording sounds a little odd. Once put in words, it's difficult to translate.

Excerpt
Dear …,

when you hold that letter in your hands, then I've just broken up with you. I wrote it, because I didn't know if I was able to tell you all these things when we talk.

I know, I wasn't the only unhappy one in our relationship. I know that you were very sad, too. The question, weather there is still love, was more and more eclipsed by the question, if we could be happy with that relationship.

I don't want to write about guilt. But I owe you some reasons. For, sure there's always two people responsible in a relationship.

Discussion became more and more energy sapping for me. I think, we often wanted the same, but we took different paths. It's difficult to harmonise under these circumstances. That's why I often talked about boundaries and that each one of us should have their own field. Unfortunately my setting boundaries led to you feeling powerless. That's been a bad dynamic.

Argueing was an important reason for me to leave. It's not exacly that we argued, but how we did it. Often it was about beeing right. Often meta levels appeared. And it all went confusing. The worst was, that we weren't able to reconcile. That's why all the unsettled arguments came back to us and in the end we didn't even talk.
I never wanted to argue in front of our daugther. But we did. I don't want to raise a child, that witnesses all the destructive discussions of their parents … and finally think's it's the reason for it. One day she would know that we're  unhappy and that we only stayed together because of her. It would be a burden for her! She would feel guilty and helpless. Disregarding of what we'd teach her about life.

These last months we were both laking the abilty to validate each other. You know that I critizise your time management and you complain that I pressurise you. I complain that you relieve your stress at me and you critizise lacking considerateness in me. I think, we both said things, we felt sorry for afterwards. I think, we're both so different that we can't take ourselves back enough so that it would feel good to the other one and to ourselves.

I think we can be good parents, still. You shall know, that I want you to build a strong bound with your daugther. That's why I've fought to be neighbors. I hope that we can get along well with each other and that we can do cooperative parenting.

I will stay some days at my mothers'. We'll need some distance at first, so that we both can cope with the situation. Of cause you can visit our daugther every day.

These last two months when I wasn't sure weather to stay or go, I was quite distanced. For sure that wasn't very easy for you. I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to hurt you.

We had several nice moments, I want to thank you for. You're still an important person in my life, not only as the father of our daugther. Take care.
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2017, 11:19:08 AM »


Ummm... .way too many words.

Can you cut it down to about 1/4 of the words... perhaps less. 

If you are done... why give him reasons.  You have a simple message to communicate... .communicate it.

If you are open to reconciliation, then perhaps some broad goals or explanations of "what is wrong" could be appropriate.

Use a letter to organize your thoughts... .then talk to him in person.

FF
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2017, 11:50:14 AM »

Hi SettingBorders,

Welcome

What I get from reading your letter is that you're providing him closure, break ups are difficult but it can be traumatizing when you don't provide closure, for the non  feelings are followed by facts but it's the other way around for a pwBPD, feelings = facts, my guess is there is a good chance that he's going to take it personally and think that there is something inherently wrong with him, it validates his defectiveness.

I think that you have the right idea with assuaging his feelings, so with that in mind I would consider writing it in SET, start by displaying support  S then sooth him with empathy E and deliver your truth at the end T

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth
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SettingBorders
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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2017, 10:29:29 AM »

my guess is there is a good chance that he's going to take it personally and think that there is something inherently wrong with him, it validates his defectiveness.
You're right. Now I can see that, too. You know, that letter is very tame. I am really upset and I would like to tell him into the face how egocentric he is, that he can't handle criticism, that he's lots of trouble to know what he is feeling and that he's not capable of pulling himself together. But I didn't put that into the letter for reasons of diplomacy. Hoping that taking some responsibilty myself would soothe him and make him see his share. But that won't happen. Same mistake as always.

If you are done... why give him reasons.  You have a simple message to communicate... .communicate it. If you are open to reconciliation, then perhaps some broad goals or explanations of "what is wrong" could be appropriate.
True. What I did in that letter was to JADE. I took responsibility for his feelings all the time when we were together. But when I go, it's not my problem anymore.

Use a letter to organize your thoughts... .then talk to him in person.
Yes. I won't write him any letter. Just tell him it's over, get my stuff together and go.

Thank you, that really helped.
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2017, 11:17:07 AM »

Hi Setting Borders,

I think it's a good idea to validate what you feel, we can be that sounding board, sadly though a pwBPD will rarely validate what you feel, a pwBPD have been compared to being a being a black hole they will take everything and rarely give back. There's no right way or wrong way, everyone's situation is their own, if you're done and you're not returning then share your feelings with him, i'm just worried you're not going to get validation, I just think it's a good idea to talk about it, often we go for long periods, even years with keeping this stuff in because a pwBPD will give us a negative reflection and we start building up resentment.
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2017, 12:20:50 PM »


What I did in that letter was to JADE.

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   Good analysis... .




I took responsibility for his feelings all the time when we were together. But when I go, it's not my problem anymore.

Or... .if you stay... .

I'm not telling you to stay... .or go, that decision is yours.  However, it is more important that you let his feelings be his if you stay, because that would be a different relationship.

I DO urge you to think deeply about your decision.

Are you done with him... .or done with this relationship?

There are options to keep him, but get a different relationship.  Those options, by and large, are entirely within your power.




Yes. I won't write him any letter.

I'm not against letter writing.  Especially with pwBPD, you need to be wise about how they are written and presented. 

Usually best to write the letter as a tool to organize your thoughts.

Hang in there... .you have a lot on your plate.   

FF
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