I Do Not Know What To Do

[hurthusband]

Ok, well I have posted many times here and have extended history with my BPD wife.  Through years I have learned of her childhood abuse and extensive horrific stories along with the horrible invalidation from her parents.  Some has left me wondering what is true and what is not, but I do care deeply for my wife.

I have also been kicked out and abused repeatedly over the years.  This last episode I was kicked out of the house and told she wanted a divorce because she had an issue with my mother.  I have no clue how that involves me.  Later it became something I did which I still am not sure what I did was wrong, but she felt that way so I can respect that and apologize for that.

It has been over a month now that I have been out of the house and it has gone from how she hates me and I am horrible harrassing threats.  Yesterday it went from never contact her again and I will never see kids to "i do not want a divorce and lets see counseling as this is not right to do to the kids".  In times past, I would JUMP at the opportunity of that, but now...

I do not think I want to deal with her anymore.  After being away from it for a month, even with all the issues and problems that causes, the freedom of not feeling the pressure of being scared of her and what I am doing is fantastic.  I have gone out and had a drink or two and while I am not dating or anything, the fact that people have talked to me and showed me kindness and attention is something I have sorely missed.

I know I love her... now I am not sure I am in love with her anymore.  I feel horrible about it.  Part of me feels like going back and maybe things can get better/maybe not, but I will just do it because I do care about her and worry about her.  Part of me feels selfish and wants to be done with it.

Not sure what to do or think here

[Mutt]

Hi hurthusband,

I have gone out and had a drink or two and while I am not dating or anything, the fact that people have talked to me and showed me kindness and attention is something I have sorely missed.

I know I love her... now I am not sure I am in love with her anymore.  I feel horrible about it.

Good for you! I bet that feels great being able to go out and enjoy yourself feeling less anxious and stressed because you don't have to worry about the emotional uproar if you did something like when you're living at home   That being said, I can't tell you what to do, my best advise is you have the right to be happy.

[GaGrl]

You sound stronger and more clear than I have ever heard in your posts!

I realized during my divorce (and PDs were not an issue in that marriage) that I could love and care for my son's father and yet not be able to live with him and sustain an intimate and healthy marriage.

It sounds as if you are reaching that pace yourself?

[hurthusband]

You sound stronger and more clear than I have ever heard in your posts!

I realized during my divorce (and PDs were not an issue in that marriage) that I could love and care for my son's father and yet not be able to live with him and sustain an intimate and healthy marriage.

It sounds as if you are reaching that pace yourself?

i feell incredible guilt over pulling trigger though... she has no job... no income... no family.  maybe she can change

[Sluggo]

I do not think I want to deal with her anymore.  After being away from it for a month, even with all the issues and problems that causes, the freedom of not feeling the pressure of being scared of her and what I am doing is fantastic.  I have gone out and had a drink or two and while I am not dating or anything, the fact that people have talked to me and showed me kindness and attention is something I have sorely missed.

It was when my wife when back to her home country for 9 months while we were married that I started feeling much better inside.  When she came back I was more independent thinker and had less patience for the outbursts.  Yes I still am'touched' by a kind smile or remark made by a woman at a store or in public.  For a long time I could not even look at a cashier in the eye because I just didn't feel good about myself as I allowed myself to be beat up on so much.  I had trouble even having conversations with others.  I was(still am) so much different of who I was 18 years before. Just recently (I have now been separated for 13 months with divorce pending) my childhood friends and family are saying you are more like yourself.   

[hurthusband]

Well last night I was invited to awe kids and have dinner with wife which was quite an enjoyable time.  I was asked to move back in too.  I said I don't know.  Today I thought about it and thinking maybe things are changing and I can set better boundaries.  Well I got invited to dinner with my brother and mother tonight and my wife and kids were not.  I would assume it's cause nobody knows what to say with me not living at home but at parents.  Wife took it as me cutting her out of family and my decision made.  I don't feel anyone acted in appropriate

[hurthusband]

I feel guilty for wanting to go to dinner with them but feel rude also if I don't go.  I don't know how anyone would know how to navigate with with me and my wife but also not be offended if I didn't accept... I suppose I thought my wife would be "I'm sad I was not thought of but I understand it's a difficult situation for all and the conclusion"  I guess I wasn't realistic

[Grey Kitty]

  It *IS* reasonable for you to have dinner with your mother and brother and your wife not be invited.

  Your wife has regularly dysregulated and attacked you... .over things that you did (or didn't do) which were reasonable.

  Remember, with this kind of mental illness, the explosions may be triggered by something you did... .but the true cause is her own internal thoughts and feelings which have very little to do with you, other than using you as a target and emotional punching bag to resolve them.

In other words, no, you didn't do anything wrong or inappropriate!


And let me say congratulations for this--You sound much stronger than you have in years!

I do not think I want to deal with her anymore.  After being away from it for a month, even with all the issues and problems that causes, the freedom of not feeling the pressure of being scared of her and what I am doing is fantastic.

It might help you to realize that you can love somebody... .and know that living with them will be destructive for both you and her. There isn't really a contradiction there!

Stay strong. It does seem that living apart is good for you. It might be better for your wife as well.

[GaGrl]

What you learned is that the relationship with your family is still a trigger for your wife, and that she has no intention of changing behaviour that led to where you find yourself now.

Not only I is it reasonable to have family time without her (especially in light of the separation), you really need your family support right now.
Stay strong. You sound good.

[Mutt]

Hi hurthusband,

It helps all us to surround ourselves with family and friends, they reflect back a realistic picture about ourselves, a pwBPD will reflect back an unrealistic picture of you that is full of negavity. Spend time with people that build you up, the anxiety and guilty feelings is just a side effect from stepping out of what usually feels normal to you. You're feeling change.

[formflier]

If you choose to move back in, I would encourage you to "lean forward" into boundaries and not engage when she "wants" to engage.

Long term thinking... .be aware of how she "kicked you out" this last time.  Would you ever want that to happen again?  :)o you let someone else determine where you live?  Or is that a choice for you to make?

Reality check:  Changes you make will help your relationship be much calmer.  That being said, it won't necessarily "fix" anything with your wife.

As long as you are clear headed about that reality, I have no particular advice "against" moving back in.

That being said, there could be benefits from operating "outside" the family home for a while.

Last:  Either decision is not permanent.  

As others have said... .congrats on much more clearheaded thinking...    

FF

[PeteWitsend]

Ok, well I have posted many times here and have extended history with my BPD wife.  Through years I have learned of her childhood abuse and extensive horrific stories along with the horrible invalidation from her parents.  Some has left me wondering what is true and what is not, but I do care deeply for my wife.

I have also been kicked out and abused repeatedly over the years.  This last episode I was kicked out of the house and told she wanted a divorce because she had an issue with my mother.  I have no clue how that involves me.  Later it became something I did which I still am not sure what I did was wrong, but she felt that way so I can respect that and apologize for that.

... .

Oh man, HH, I feel you.  I'm in pretty much the same boat.

many of the issues I have with my wife stem from things my mom said or did.  none of which were that bad (maybe an insensitive xmas gift, not taking shoes off when arriving at our house, not hanging coat where my wife said to, etc), but my wife made them that way, believing them to be a pattern of silently undermining her in front of me, then throwing huge fits, sending nasty emails or texts out, etc. 

for a while I tried to surf these "waves" (I wrote about them here before) and even told my mom she was wrong, bad, etc.  but to no avail. 

anyway, I'm basically only sticking around for my kids (ages 1 & 3).  If it weren't for them, I would've been gone a long time ago.  I still love my wife and wish her well, but I don't see how I can live in misery for the rest of my life if I stay with her. 

That's really what it's all about... .unless your spouse has demonstrated some willingness to address her own behavior, and agree to counseling, leading to the chance of improvement, it's really just a question of how much abuse you're willing to tolerate. 

[Sluggo]

Ok, well I have posted many times here and have extended history with my BPD wife.  Through years I have learned of her childhood abuse and extensive horrific stories along with the horrible invalidation from her parents.  Some has left me wondering what is true and what is not, but I do care deeply for my wife.

I have also been kicked out and abused repeatedly over the years.  This last episode I was kicked out of the house and told she wanted a divorce because she had an issue with my mother.  I have no clue how that involves me.  Later it became something I did which I still am not sure what I did was wrong, but she felt that way so I can respect that and apologize for that.

HH,

I am similiar too in the sense I really never understood why my now soon to be ex wife got mad at my mom... .

These are two instances that happened over 10 years ago but still are brought up like they happened yesterday.  It is as if she replays them in her head all the time so why it is still always a fresh wound for her.  I have apologized again and again about this and told my mom too... .  but in the end it is something much deeper and not about what actually happened. 

1.  my Mom folded the clothes a different way than my wife wanted.  my kids who were 8 and 10 at the time told my mom she was folding wrong and she told the kids not to worry about it.  The kids told my wife and she flipped. 
2.  My mom put the dishes in the wrong cabinet.  We actually have pictures on where the dishes are suppose to go.  So my wife was really offended that my mom did not follow those pictures. 

[formflier]

1.  my Mom folded the clothes a different way than my wife wanted.  

We went through the folding clothes (actually towels were the focus) phase a few months ago.  You would have thought it was the most important thing to her in the world.

I validated some and disengaged routinely... .this issue finally withered and went away.


The "funniest" was when when she came stomping in the house accusing me of ruining the carpets by wearing shoes in the house... .and I better stop it or else.   I was quiet for a bit and let it blow itself out and then pointed to my feet (only socks on) and to her feet (dirty boots)... .and yes... .of course we were both on carpet.     

I was feisty that day and simply said that I would be willing to discuss this further when she removed hypocrisy from the conversation.  I walked from the room.  She sputtered a bit and hasn't brought it up since... .

Sigh... .

FF