Move on It's how we defeat our abuser

[Moselle]

Minimise them and their importance in our lives.

By loving and trusting again we annul what was done to us.

What is stopping you from moving on?

For me it's the pain she inflicts. She hurts my children. And it drives me insanely angry. I just want to have her arrested.

[marti644]

Well said Moselle. The greatest retribution and justice we can give is NC and move to better pastures. Let them deal with their pain and anger and stop letting them project that onto us.

[bus boy]

HI Moselle, I have let go of a lot and feel I have done a pretty good job of moving on. Xw is very manuplateing she is a glow with the control she has over her BF, s10 and some what of me. Xw wouldn't let me pick s10 up a few hr's early for Friday's access but she let her BF pick my son up instead. She got an extreme amount of empowerment out of that. No matter how much I let go, things like that still hurt me. Any mentally healthy adult would not have picked up s10 when a perfectly willing hands on father is wanting to pick his child, especially since Xw's BF sat in court back in December and heard endless evidence of Xw's deviousness and denying me being a hands on father. This weekend at my nieces bday party s10 was very upset at being there, he took an anxiety attack, started crying. People were being very nice to s10 but he wouldn't talk to anyone or look at anyone. On Sunday morning I let emotion drive me and I had a talk to s10. I feel I said more than I should have, I feel very bad for this. I told the truth and was very compassionate in my wording but I feel all I did was confuse s10, he cried, I cried but I feel I accomplished nothing. So Xw still has some control of my feelings. It burns me what she is doing and I didn't handle it in a child friendly manner. I did not put down his mother or her BF but I wish today I said nothing.

[Moselle]

It burns me what she is doing and I didn't handle it in a child friendly manner.

Hey Bus,

Yes it burns. So sorry man - I have the same kind of stuff. It never ends until we end it.

“Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”  George Bernhard Shaw

I know this the hardest thing. Try to observe and not absorb her poison. I'm working on this at the moment. We can do it.

Have a look at this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io15t9V5bXc&t=89s

[bus boy]

Thanks for the link to that vid. I checked out other vids that were informative. I can really clearly see how Xw is much more NPD or narcopath more so than BPD. She seems to be progressing in her illness.

[Sunfl0wer]

Since this is a place of sharing various opinions and perspectives... .

IMO, moving on means there is nothing to "defeat."
You simply separate/detach, and shift focus on oneself. (Or focus on oneself and parallel parenting)

Whereas "defeat" implies an ongoing battle with the person, and measuring sucess by how you "conquer" another.  Effectively making how you measure yourself dependent on this "enemy."

IMO, laguage such as "defeat" means to attach yourself to the person in how you define your success.

How about simply focusing on self, and let go of the image of connection to the other  (either via cooperation with them or battle)?

[bus boy]

I like your take on this sunFlOwer. I would rather look at it as letting go than in terms of defeating. I feel the only way to defeat the personality disordered person is to not engage and to just let go.

[Moselle]

Thanks for the link to that vid. I checked out other vids that were informative. I can really clearly see how Xw is much more NPD or narcopath more so than BPD. She seems to be progressing in her illness.

I have discovered the same thing in the last two weeks. There is a clear link between covert narcisism and BPD. Some say it is the same thing. I'm still trying to work that out. This is an important dictinction when handling the ex. Her objective in narcissitic supply. It's our job not to give it to them

Whereas "defeat" implies an ongoing battle with the person, and measuring sucess by how you "conquer" another.  Effectively making how you measure yourself dependent on this "enemy."

IMO, laguage such as "defeat" means to attach yourself to the person in how you define your success.

How about simply focusing on self, and let go of the image of connection to the other  (either via cooperation with them or battle)?

Opinion welcomed. It has been a challenge of mine to just detach as you describe. I instinctively want to fight. I only realise now that it plays into her need for narcissitic supply. An antagonistic response rewards her and she knows she has had an impact.

I use these to detach:

I’m sorry you feel that way
I have no right to control how you see me
I can accept your faulty perception of me
I guess I have to accept that is how you feel (you’re entitled to it)
Your anger is not my responsibility

[Sunfl0wer]

I use these to detach:

I’m sorry you feel that way
I have no right to control how you see me
I can accept your faulty perception of me
I guess I have to accept that is how you feel (you’re entitled to it)
Your anger is not my responsibility

I mean, by all means, do what works for you.

For me, shifting my focus on caring for my emotions that come up is what made the huge difference. (Cause when I didn't care for my emotions, they tended to resurface and repeat)

So if I felt triggered to anger with thoughts of my ex, then it was not about affirming who I am in relation to him. (I did not remind myself that I am in any way better than him.  My worth is in no way dependent on anyone. So no need to criticize his perception and such, as that is a fact to me and I do not need to convince that to myself.)

It was time to listen to me!
Ex: I am angry
  I need to listen to my anger and sooth myself
  apply self care (cause it is about ME!)
I can choose a bike ride
Screaming in the car briefly with windows up
Meditation
Bubble bath
Pedicure
Whatever makes me feel cared for.

My choice is that when I am triggered
I turn inward
Listen to what I need
And give it to myself
And allow the feeling to exist, while tending to myself lovingly

[Sunfl0wer]

Wait, it looks like detach you are meaning strategies to disengage from chatting with her?  Cause that is a bit different.

If so, imo, still make it about you, not at all blame her or criticize her
Ex:
-I need to go, I'm tired
-This conversation is a lot to process, I will need to process what we have already covered before we continue
I better go, I have an appointment I cannot be late for (like it can be a mental appointment with the gym, )

When setting boundaries, you do not need at all to announce them.
Actually it is better if you do not.
But I've said enough without fully knowing the meaning of detach that u r using