They're nuts, scary and dangerous (my unofficial medical assessment)

[GuySmiley]

So my married high-functioning exBPD texts me last night while she's out getting drunk.

I play along, I think f*ck it, why not. I've had this mindset for a year or so now since I first read up on BPD. I can now see her tricks and manipulations being played out like a script. Whereas in the past her guilt-making exercises and crazy-making gaslighting would tie me in knots, I know look at her in distaste.

It's like she's a shell of a human being controlled by a set combination of behaviours: guilt-tripping, gaslighting, blaming, fawning, attention-seeking etc. All there, one after another. It's true I still find her attractive and physically very sexy - I can still see the 21 year old that I fell in love with 20 years ago but under it all I can now only see this ugly almost in-human personality - it's just false, hollow and phony.

One thing that made me blink though - she was out listening to a band and they play the Rod Stewart song First Cut is the Deepest - a song about someone whose had their heart broken but wants to try and love again. She told me to listen to the lyrics as she thinks they're relevant to her feelings towards me. Now bare with me, I didn't take this as her saying she wants to try and love me again etc... .more she thinks that it was me that hurt her all those years ago and cut her so deep and the cut will always be there. Me that cried and pleaded and begged her to stay after she'd cheated several times. Me that was a shell of a man for years after while she hot-bedded it with her neighbour and anyone else who smiled in her general direction. I cut her deep? What the heck?

No, I'm completely 100% in the belief that they live on a totally different plane of sanity and that they 100% believe their own downright ridiculous claims and lies.

A few years ago I broke up with my long term nonBPD girlfriend - the way it hurt her, her tears and her sobs and cries and desperate reasoning will haunt me to the day I die - I would never ever dream of telling her it was her who cut me. Ever. I broke her heart.

These BPDs though? Dangerous. Dangerous because they genuinely believe their own versions of the truth. Dangerous and very, very scary.

Best avoided.

[SuperJew82]

I'm glad you made it out of the FOG my friend. You must have been pretty strong to make it out in one piece after decades of this. My year and a half nearly took me down.

[joeramabeme]

Hi GuySmiley

This all sounds pretty painful and I can understand your being angry and taken back by her words.

I am not so sure that pwBPD are dangerous as much as they are fragile and highly self-protective of real and perceived emotional vulnerability.  Being married is about as much as emotional exposure as one can experience.  Given the nature of BPD and fear of abandonment it is sad how intense the emotional levels must be to in essence black-out parts of your conscious experience. 

When she quotes "I will try to love again", is she trying to recycle with you?  Are you at a place where you would be willing to recycle?  Sounds like she is married now, yes?

Perhaps she is unhappy in present marriage and this is some drunken sadness directed towards someone she felt she could trust, what do you think?

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

GuySmiley,

The thing is whatever we do and whatever to say nothing will change these people. Like my father says to me “It would be easier to touch the b@lls of a tiger" (if that makes sense ) then making these people change or realize how they are hurting their partner.

As you say, they are in a completely different world, a world that you and I will never know. I used to read my uBPDex notes and it was ugly. Yes, I snooped, and through those notes I found out what her demons were. It was not pretty I tell you. Since that day I knew that I had to leave because no matter what I did the make her feel better, loved, in Peace, and protected would not fix her issues.

She used to get drunk and write what she felt and believed and her writing got messy the more she drank. It was a sad thing to read and see.

[GuySmiley]

When she quotes "I will try to love again", is she trying to recycle with you?  Are you at a place where you would be willing to recycle?  Sounds like she is married now, yes?

Perhaps she is unhappy in present marriage and this is some drunken sadness directed towards someone she felt she could trust, what do you think?

Oh hell shes only trying to recycle me enough to keep me dangling on her hook she has a nibble then is gone again.

In regards to me being willing to recycle? Not. A. F*cking. Chance.

10/12/15 years ago I would have jumped at the chance - even 18 months ago or so I'd consider it. But since reading up on BPDs and having all my crazy feelings validated means I'm now in a much better place to see her for what she is. She had her chance years ago and then some. In fact she had about 10 chances. Nope not now. She chose any other available man and eventually married one and had his kid. Good luck with that. I'd consider having an affair, if only because I find her physically very sexy. But nowadays I find her personality repugnant, if only because she's so phony. Plus it's like trying to have an adult conversation with a child. It's all so hollow. Also, I don't really want to be the guy who ruins another guy's marriage.

In regards to him, she tells me he's a drunk and he doesn't adore her or treat her the way I used to. Which kind of makes me think that's why she stays with him - treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. Kind of how they keep us dangling, I think he keeps her dangling. She tells me she's not sure she's safe with him - pretty certain that's just her painting him black. She used to do that towards me, telling people I was violent towards her. Funny, she can't remember saying those things now.

I kind of feel sorry for him. I'm guessing any drinking problem will have only been exacerbated by being married to a BPD, but seeing as how (I thought) she was my one true love (yeah, I know but we've all been there) and he married her I kind of wish a certain degree of misery on him. But then again, a lot of you guys are in his position too. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

No, I just wanted to post to vent or validate my own feelings on how they simply simply simply do not live in the same reality we do. It's bizarre, truly truly bizarre.

[SuperJew82]

In regards to me being willing to recycle? Not. A. F*cking. Chance.

Love it! Standing up for yourself and becoming aware that it's not worth it is awesome.

The only gift to yourself that is better is NC, if possible.

[hopealways]

Agreed that the BPD are the most dangerous folks I have ever met. Yes they are frail yes they are emotionally vulnerable, but that does NOT preclude them from being dangerous. RUN!

[enlighten me]

We all create our own versions of reality based on our feelings. Unfortunately for pwBPD there feelings are so strong that it warps their version of reality.

My exgf and I first met over twenty years ago. I split up with her due to our circumstances. She apparently said some pretty nasty things which I cant actually remember. She contacted me a few years ago and we started seeing each other. After 2 1/2 years I left her again as I couldn't cope with her any more. When I did she asked if I only went out with her again for revenge? This confused me for a while but now I think her version of reality is that as she said such horrible things about me all those years ago that I wanted revenge and plotted it for over twenty years. Its ridiculous but its how she felt so became her reality.