BPD boyfriend ended things, not sure how to convince him to change his mind.

[abraxus]

He's only in control because you let him.

Refusing to allow that, and only showing interest when he plays fair, isn't petty mind games, it's just setting healthy boundaries about how you expect to be treated.

I know it seems unfair, but the reality is that one method lasted 5 years, and the other lasted a few months. You can wish it was different as much as you like, but it's just the way it is. That doesn't mean you have to be awful too him, just that what you're doing isn't working, and so you need to find a middle ground between being too awful and being too nice, and at the moment you're too much towards the latter. So, no need to flip personality overnight, just gradually move a little the other way, until you start seeing results.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I agree with what abraxus has been telling you. Have you looked at the lessons in the sidebar to the right? In particular, Tools: communication validation, and reinforcement of good behavior and Understanding your role in the relationship? They expand on what has been said.

[Luh24]

He messaged today saying that he feels really low, so I asked if anything in particular had happened and the doctor is giving him new medication and he's afraid he'll end up in hospital. He had to review his medical details because he had a medical review, and explain his BPD without actually calling that because 'it makes him sound way worse than he is' as a person. He said he can't cope and feels mental all the time, just wants to be like everyone else and able to deal with emotion properly rather than jumping to extremes all the time.
He said, "I'm going to be like this the rest of my life, just relying on others to balance me when nobody should have to make the effort in the first place. I just feel so low, I hate being like this so much. I don't want to keep pushing, I can't really... It's horrible." Then he apologized, I asked what for and he said "being an ass"
This is all really odd for me as he very rarely acknowledges that he has BPD outright although he knows he does, he tries to never bring it up, and he's come to me about this rather than anyone else I guess because he trusts me? But I wasn't really sure what to say, I told him he wasn't a burden upon me or anyone and we make the effort because we want to, not because we have to. I also really tried to show I cared without saying that I know how he feels or 'it gets better' but I really don't know what to say to stuff like this. The more I've pulled away, the more he's come towards me and it's just in my nature to want to help as much as I can when he's down.
After reading the articles on here I've realised I had done a lot of things I shouldn't have, like protecting him from the consequences of his actions (he got in an argument a few months ago and the guy threatened to call the police, I was the one who stepped in and convinced the guy to not, or when he had money issues and I bailed him out.)

[Luh24]

The thing is I don't mind being the 'emotional caretaker,' I really don't. If it helps him feel more stable and secure at any time, I'm comfortable with that, and I feel stable in myself enough and not weak that I can do that well unlike before when I had no idea why what was happening, was happening. But we're not even in a relationship. I want to be, but we're not, and I have no security in us, which I really do need. I need something, you know?
Part of me is still a little hurt from his comments which made me seem like just a distraction and replacement for his ex girlfriend, I still don't know whether to take that personally or if it was constructed to get me to back off, but if it is the case and our whole relationship was a 'distraction' then I do not even want to pursue this relationship. I can't tell what he actually means and doesn't, and if I bring that up again and ask when he's calm I'm afraid it will put him in a bad way.

[livednlearned]

The thing is I don't mind being the 'emotional caretaker,' I really don't.

There is a world of difference between being an emotional caretaker, and being an emotional leader.

What you are describing sounds more like becoming an emotional leader.

 

To be that, you do have to accept who he is.

[Luh24]

To be that, you do have to accept who he is.

I accept who he is, and I love who he is more than anything, but it seems like he hate himself so much.

[Luh24]

We had a great day yesterday and it was wonderful and we spent the whole day together chatting, laughing, talking about things in the future and had a meal and all. He also carved me a heart out of wood (he's a woodworker) which was oddly sweet and honestly it feels like we have no bad history at all at this point. We kissed and I jokingly told him to not ignore me for a week this time, saying that usually whenever we're intimate he will not speak to me for a week afterwards and he apologized and said he didn't even realise he did that. I almost feel like things are so good at the moment that we're together, however I know we're not together.
I don't know if I should bring up being official to him again or just distance myself and wait for him to do that himself? I feel like a relationship this time, I could know better what may happen and be there for him more and be more comfortable myself in the relationship as I know more what he's like now. I'm wondering whether I should just ask him if he likes me in that way, rather than mentioning love if it seems too extreme?

[livednlearned]

I accept who he is, and I love who he is more than anything, but it seems like he hate himself so much.

Part of accepting him is recognizing that he fears both abandonment and engulfment, however he defines and feels both of those mood states.

You may get an official thumbs up that you are in a relationship, only to find yourself dumped later, then on again, off again.

Part of the challenge is that intimacy triggers emotional arousal, which can then trigger other things like cognitive distortions and behaviors that generate shame, which compounds the emotional arousal until full dysregulation, anxiety, whatnot.

It's hard  

It helps to understand this stuff so that you can depersonalize. That's a big part of radical acceptance in these relationships.