My story is pretty unique

[alwayswrong4]

Met a girl off an online dating site. She immediately attached to my hip. Our first date was the day before her birthday and somehow she didnt have any friends to take her out on her birthday the next day so i did. She was on antianxiety medication and i told her i wasnt going to date anyone on anti anxiety meds so she quit them (i did not make her she did it because she desired so much to be with me).

Within the first couple weeks i caught her talking to an ex she later told me that she had run back to several times. I told her if that she wanted to date me she would have to stop talking to any other guys, so she stopped talking to them. Right off the bat she was fully ready to marry me. Her mom had cancer and we flew out to florida to see her and the rest of the family. It seemed like everyone liked me. I made the horrible mistake of letting her move into my place in the first two months.

in the first 6 months of our relationship she had her own job at a clothes retailer. She was also in legal issues for a bunch of car accidents she had caused... She had this weird thing where she would basically black out or stop thinking for a few seconds and something horrible would happen. It happened several times throughout our relationship. Some examples of this were multiple car accidents. Spilling coffee on me, burning her hand, falling off a loading dock, cutting her hand at work. She was a whole new level of accident prone i had never experienced. It made me think twice about ever getting engaged to her.

She changed a ton of things about herself to be with me at the beginning of the relationship. She was super immature and liked doing childish things like coloring books and wearing transformers shirts. I made her lose her tongue ring because i didnt feel it was appropriate and did nothing but make people generalize her as something she wasnt.

She quit her job to come work for me. I ran into a really good opportunity to take over a furniture store and we opened it together. It has been madly successful thank to both of our hard work. I really felt she was everything i could possibly ask for in a woman and the first 1.5 years was amazing. I really thouhgt i was going to marry her. We went on vacations together to las vegas and lake tahoe. Vegas went terribly. We were there with my brother and she would hardly spend an hour with me. She just wanted to hangout with my sister in law the entire time. We got into a few fights and i was lucky i didnt get arrested for dragging her out of a night club when she refused to leave. Lake Tahoe couldnt have gone any better because we were alone and it was the perfect vacation for our 1 year anniversary. I really did love her so much.

Unlike a lot of horror stories about men on this site. I refused to allow my girlfriend to not contribute. I put her to work every chance i got and ended up being 100k richer than i was at the beginning of the relationship. I didnt want the money for myself, i just wanted to build a future with her.

1.5 years into our relationship she came home from visiting her parents. When she came back she was a completely changed person, she 180ed on me. She started manipulating me by with holding sex and also claimed that "were not good" even though nothing had changed on my part and when i asked her I never really recieved any sort of reason or resolution for the problem of us not being good. She began a campaign on smearing me to everyone including my family and emotional abuse. I had a few chances to dump her and i held on for 4 months because even though she was being cruel I thought shed come back around to the person she was in our first year and a half. Things kept getting worse and worse. It was really taking a toll on me mentally and physically.

We planned a cruise for the end of january for our 2nd anniversary and right after paying for it with her approval she flipped out on me saying i had better not propose to her on the cruise and that she wasnt even really sure if she wanted to go. It hurt so bad. This after aggreeing to it multiple times. It was the most luxiurious cruise on the nices boat, very expensive. She also mentioned that she was in the same situation with me that she was in with her last boyfriend before they broke up and how she was stuck with him even though she didnt want to be with him. She also mentioned how she routinely ran back to this one exboyfriend. She called me a stepping stone. In the proceeding weeks she continued to flip flop on whether she was going to come on the cruise or not.

She began sleeping in a lot and being extremely hot and cold during the day. From crying to laughing and being giddy. She had no filter at work and even some of the customers mentioned how innappropriate she was. After a day of fighting i told her to stay hoime and relax while i work and maybe shed cool off. Boy was i wrong, i got home and she greeted me asking if we could talk. She told me she had two things to say. One she didnt want to work with me anymore, and wanted to go work a minimum wage job and second she wasnt going on the cruise. It was the straw that broke the camels back, i told her i could deal with her not wanting to work with me anymore but the level of disrespect. Making me pay for a cruise and cencelling it was the last straw i told her she needed to move out. Little did i know she had been planning her escape from me for about a month. Looking for jobs near a friends house she knew she could stay at. She moved out the next day.

I had her facebook profile and gmail account logged in on my laptop i went digging since she had left me with so many questions. I found absolutely nothing incriminating, i dont think She wasnt cheating on me... she still to this day has photos of me and her on her facebook profile including one where she mentions her love for me and us kissing.

in the 3.5 months shes been gone I went NC after the first month. I realized nothing i was going to say was going to get her back. Not too mention after leaving me high and dry she used my business credit card to pay her phone bill twice since it was on file with them. Her mother died about 2 months after we broke up and for somereason she felt she needed to contact my whole family and i. I gave her my condolences but with 10 minute on the phone with her we started arguing. I hung up on her and she sent me walls of text telling me how much she appreciated me. I didnt respond. A few weeks later she showed up at a party she knew id be at and proceeded to make a huge scene and ran away crying. I followed her to her car. We talked for 20 minutes, i didnt say much but she did and most of it was her dumping her emotions on me. At the time it didnt bother me but secveral days later i was angry that she kept coming back to me to dump these emotions on me. I wasnt allowed to get mad about it because her mom died. So i just stood there and took it.

Now about a couple weeks ago she texted me saying she wanted to come buy some furniture from me before she moves to florida to be with her family. and mentioned the day she was leaving... i feel like this was a projection of abandonment. She had been doing it often since she started the devaluing stage and it continued even after we broke up. I didnt respond to her because everytime i entertain the idea of  talking to her she takes an emotional crap on me and it hurts me bad. So i ignored her and now im pretty sure she has left the state or is about to very soon.

So since we broke up she never gone more than a month without contacting me. I was wondering if anyone thinks after she moves if shell stop trying. One thing she did have at the place she moved out of our place to was a support system of minions who loved to trash me. Now shes alone with family, there wont be that support. I honestly hope she starts thinking clearly again and i hope its not too late. I love her so much, ive never had someone hurt me so bad. She had such a big part of my heart.

Also has anyone noticed from their BPDexgf that they could never feel sorry for them when she was crying, whenever she cried it was always about feeling sorry for herself and i for some reason could never feel bad for her when she was crying, like her tears were crocodile tears. Half the time i would start laughing at her when she was crying.

[infjEpic]

Met a girl off an online dating site

A lot of the time, when relationships end, our biggest growth comes from examining ourselves and our own behaviour, rather than those of the other person in the relationship.
It's often said that we choose partners who have the same level of emotional maturity as us.

Are you working with a therapist?
I think you could benefit from sitting with a therapist and reading this post to them. This is a lot in here that you may benefit from examining.

[alwayswrong4]

A lot of the time, when relationships end, our biggest growth comes from examining ourselves and our own behaviour, rather than those of the other person in the relationship.
It's often said that we choose partners who have the same level of emotional maturity as us.

Are you working with a therapist?
I think you could benefit from sitting with a therapist and reading this post to them. This is a lot in here that you may benefit from examining.

thats kind of insulting saying i have the same emotional maturity as her. I can express my emotions and i understand how to empathize with people. I see how people can paint me as the controlling bad guy in this relationship but i didnt ask for this level of attachment. I have been in serveral relationships where my partner was no where near this needy as she was. It is my fault for letting her become so involved in every aspect of my life. I came from a family where my parents dont have many friends other than eachother and have worked with eachother as well. So to see a marriage of over 40 years thrive under similar circumstances may have skewed my own boundaries.

I left out a lot of emotional abuse i endured in the relationship. projection of abandonment, circular arguments, cognitive distortions, gaslighting, triangulating... I never did any of this to her. I tried my best to help her in any way possible. I wanted to help her grow and mature, she was everything to me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi alwayswrong4,

I'm sorry things haven't worked out with your girlfriend. It sounds like it was a very important relationship, since you wanted to get married. It hurts so much to lose someone we were that close to. 

How are you doing emotionally? Are your friends and family supportive? It helps a lot to have as much support around you as possible during times like these. These kinds of breakups can be difficult to get over because of that attachment that you referenced in the beginning of your post. Things get really close, really fast, and that often brings up lots of unresolved/unconscious patterns in ourselves that we weren't aware of. That was my experience, and I learned a lot from it, even though it was a painful lesson.

I honestly hope she starts thinking clearly again and i hope its not too late. I love her so much, ive never had someone hurt me so bad. She had such a big part of my heart.

I hear you. I think most of us have felt that way at some point.  What do you mean by "I hope it's not too late?"

Here are some articles that helped me so much when I first came here. I don't know if you've seen them, but they are highly recommended.

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[FallenOne]

She was on antianxiety medication and i told her i wasnt going to date anyone on anti anxiety meds so she quit them

I told her if that she wanted to date me she would have to stop talking to any other guys, so she stopped talking to them.

She was a whole new level of accident prone i had never experienced. It made me think twice about ever getting engaged to her.

I made her lose her tongue ring because i didnt feel it was appropriate and did nothing but make people generalize her as something she wasnt.

I refused to allow my girlfriend to not contribute. I put her to work every chance i got and ended up being 100k richer than i was at the beginning of the relationship.

Dude... I'm going to be honest with you, read over the things I have in bold here... I don't even have to read your entire story. You honestly sound controlling and even a tad narcissistic yourself... .You're trying to change and mold someone into something they aren't for your own happiness rather than just accepting them for who they are. Why date someone if you don't accept them for who they are?

The only thing I ever tried to change about my ex, was I tried to convince her to get a job and to work on her anger problems... That's it...

You're literally demanding someone stop taking meds that thy need for anxiety, telling them they can't do this and can't do that... Can't talk to other guys... Read through it again if you haven't already noticed this.

I really did love her so much.

Did you? Or were you just trying to mold her into something she wasn't?

I'm sorry, I don't want to make you feel worse than you probably already do, but I think you should take a look at your own behaviors here and how they contributed to your situation... It's a good idea to not only look at what your ex did but also what you did. It helps in the longterm.

The things I have in bold are not mature or healthy behaviors in a relationship... You need to be able to trust your partner around all people and cannot prohibit them from speaking to members of the opposite sex due to your own insecurity and trust issues.

You also need to accept personal choices they make about themselves that do not affect you.

[alwayswrong4]

Dude... I'm going to be honest with you, read over the things I have in bold here... I don't even have to read your entire story. You honestly sound controlling and even a tad narcissistic yourself... .You're trying to change and mold someone into something they aren't for your own happiness rather than just accepting them for who they are. Why date someone if you don't accept them for who they are?

The only thing I ever tried to change about my ex, was I tried to convince her to get a job and to work on her anger problems... That's it...

You're literally demanding someone stop taking meds that thy need for anxiety, telling them they can't do this and can't do that... Can't talk to other guys... Read through it again if you haven't already noticed this.

Did you? Or were you just trying to mold her into something she wasn't?

I'm sorry, I don't want to make you feel worse than you probably already do, but I think you should take a look at your own behaviors here and how they contributed to your situation... It's a good idea to not only look at what your ex did but also what you did. It helps in the longterm.

The things I have in bold are not mature or healthy behaviors in a relationship... You need to be able to trust your partner around all people and cannot prohibit them from speaking to members of the opposite sex due to your own insecurity and trust issues.

You also need to accept personal choices they make about themselves that do not affect you.

I would agree im a tad narcissist. Not dating women who talk to exes and that take anti anxiety meds is a personal choice of mine and I'm sorry if you find that controlling. I don't set myself up for failure in a relationship. My ex was 23 and i was 30 when i met her and she was doing a lot of self destructive things, she needed my help and I had no problem taking the lead. Men are imperialistic by nature and most women desire a leader. Yea sometimes I felt like I was pulling on the strings to motivate her everyday. It was draining on me and it took a huge toll... I couldnt keep up with it in the end. Especially when she started to devalue me because when that happened i became more of a parent then a leader. On multiple occassions i felt like i was a father with a rebellious teenage daughter. it wasnt a good situation and in the back of my head i knew it wasnt going to last.

After breaking up with me shes still off her meds, going to church and hasnt put back in her tongue ring. So I guess she wanted to do these things with or without me.

[FallenOne]

On multiple occassions i felt like i was a father with a rebellious teenage daughter.

After breaking up with me shes still off her meds, going to church and hasnt put back in her tongue ring. So I guess she wanted to do these things with or without me.

I too felt like a parent of a rebellious teenage daughter more than a lover... .I can understand this very well...

I hope I didn't offend you. It wasn't my intention... Just trying to be honest and truthful. It's good to reflect on oneself after a breakup like this to see where mistakes were made on both sides, so that it's avoided in future relationships...

Point is... .people are going to do what they want to do regardless of what we want them to do or tell them to do... .The more we try to get someone to do something they don't personally want to do, the more they will resist it and give us pushback.

People only change for themselves.