Yes, this... .exactly. In a nutshell this describes my entire relationship with the exception of the honeymoon period. Everytime we argue he is "trying to explain his position" and I get blamed for being the one who is "defensive, passive aggressive, and arguing to win" even when I say almost nothing! He has been known to apologize, but only for "allowing himself to get caught up in my argument" and then he has been known to ask why I don't ever apologize for "my part in things" even when I still don't understand what triggered the argument in the first place.
Low self esteem indeed. Being constantly gaslighted and struggling to trust my own perceptions of things has ruined me.
I think - when I didn't understand Cluster B disorders, particularly BPD/NPD, I was quite susceptible to that myself.
But once I had an understanding of what was happening beneath the surface level, I was no longer quite as susceptible. It made it less personal.
- Rather than interpreting it as a healthy/stable person attacking you for reasons you cannot fathom - you begin to understand it is a disordered/unstable person reacting to stimuli which you probably do not even register.
- Rather than it being a reaction to anything you've done or haven't done, it becomes clearer it's more like a volcano which pressure has just built up, and it's going to erupt come hell or high water.
Then, you may reach a new understanding.
- Being angry at/with a pwBPD for whatever massive over-reaction you are currently enduring, becomes utterly self defeating.
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Expecting healthy behaviour or healthy coping mechanisms from a pwBPD, is not unlike being angry at Stevie Wonder for not being able to see the keys on the piano, or being angry at Stephen Hawking for being so intelligent, but not being able to walk.
- It's like being angry with a child, for not understanding social norms.
It's simply a capacity that they don't possess. And never will, without the correct treatment (DBT)
Part of why it's so confusing - is because they look normal. And at times, they seem normal.
If you look at a person with Down's Syndrome for example, the defect (for want of a better word) is visible - aesthetically.
If you look at a person with BPD, the defect is
not visible on the surface.
At this stage, a new question arises.
Now that I
understand what I am facing - am I strong enough to endure this, while they receive treatment?
Does any of this make sense?
