Hello out there

[Sillywoman]

So this is my introduction. What to say... .married 14 years to my husband that has always shown symptoms. I just loved him through it, thinking that would take care of it. He had an affair the first year of marriage because 'I wasn't nice' to him anymore. I forgave that and move on. We now have two children that he has designed a very dependent live for. For the last six months he has been 'down' and unsure of what he wants in life. It's the whole midlife thing I tell myself and try to love him through it. Unexpectedly his mother passes, he was very close to his mother (as was I and our children). Now he says our marriage is over and thinks he has moved out. He is pressing me for a quick divorce, 'while we are still friends'. However he comes and goes from our family home, hasn't moved any of his things and still comes in and makes his usual tornado messes. I'm heartbroken and realizing now that I have been codependent on this man. I'm just trying to read and grieve the loss of my MIL and marriage while being strong for our kids. Any feedback is appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

A BPD has a very tough time managing their emotions. It wouldn't surprise me if he was drowing and unsure about anything. So I'm not sure I'd believe the "divorce" request - especially if he hasn't moved anything yet. Perhaps he is just needing space to cope with his mothers death.

Have you talked with him much about how he feels? I know it can be VERY difficult to talk calmly when he has just about broken your heart, but if you can remain in there, and be gentle, you may be able to find out where he's really at.

[Meili]

I want to join AB in welcoming you to the bpdfamily.

I agree with what AB said about pwBPD being struggling to manage their emotions. They feel things far more intensely than a non-disordered person does and can easily get overwhelmed. To make matters worse, what they are feeling is just as factual to them as the things that our physical sense experience are to us. Therefore, their emotions form their reality. As we all know, emotions change, thus so does their reality.

Learning all that you can about BPD will help you better understand how all of this works. It creates a very complex world for all involved. But, the good news is that understanding the disorder, as well as our own roles, can provide us with a working canvass on which to paint a new picture of life. There are some links in the sidebar to the right that should help you.

Many of us have gone through experiences similar to what you wrote about. We have some understanding as a result. We will support you as best as we can. Please feel free to ask anything that you are comfortable asking and tell us as much about your relationship as you want. I look forward to reading your posts. Let us know how we can help.

[Tattered Heart]

Losing a parent is so difficult. It can cause people to behave in ways that are not normal. After my dad died I read alot about people who have lost a parent and one of the things I saw was that within 3-5 years of the death of a parent, it is common to see people change careers, get divorced, and make other huge life changing behavior. Your H may be grieving and I'm sorry that you are losing him because of it.

Next he comes by, maybe you could try to get him to talk about his mom. If he can work through his grief, maybe he will feel better about things at home.

[Mutt]

Hi Sillywoman,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you and you're family are going through this, you're getting hit on two fronts, both are losses and as Tattered Heart said, they're big life events.

I'd like to add to what Meili and Arleigh Burke said about emotions a pwBPD live in the present, they don't live in the past or future, what they feel in the moment is fact to them, the traits are triggered during stressful periods, my guess is the anxiety that he's feeling about loss is the catalyst for his behavior.

You have a lot on your plate, what do you do for self care so that you don't burn the candles at both ends? Are you seeing a T? It helps to reach out and take advantage of all the help available during difficult times, the best combination is seeing a T concurrently with a support group. You're not alone. Hang in there.

[Sillywoman]

Thanks all. Yes I'm seeing a T, she is actually the one that pointed out the symptoms of BPD which led me here as I try to learn. He continues to believe that we should split so we 'can be happy'. The thing is he wants me to continue to take care of him and even texts me things like where he ate supper and how good it was... .  it is totally weird but I believe it is to keep me emotionally tied ( that part works as I'm learning about my codependent tendencies). I haven't talked to him about his feelings and emotions because he won't talk about them and gets mad if I bring anything up. We can chat about anything else... .just not us. I guess I need to go into NC and demand boundaries and a child care schedule. Right now I do it all unless he wants them for something. Does he even know what he is doing to others?  From reading, the answer is no. My 8 year old has more empathy.

[ArleighBurke]

So are you currently living apart? If he has this time to himself, and then wants to come back will you let him? What do YOU want?

[Sillywoman]

What do it want?  I have no clue, I do love this man. I do know this is unhealthy. As an update, he had sinus surgery. I took care of him and we had a really nice week. End up sexual and he even spent the night at our home. This week he has mean again and even brought up how I need to get to work on divorce proceedings. It like since he felt loved, he is pulling back even more. If he wants a divorce why is he pushing me to take charge of it?  It so painful and confusing.

[Meili]

If he is the one who wants the divorce, and you don't, why would you make it your responsibility?