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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Girlfriend broke up with me and went silent.  (Read 390 times)
Xeonrebel
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« on: March 01, 2017, 09:45:54 AM »

Hi. Im gonna make this as short as possible.
I was in a relationship with a woman 4.5 years younger than me (im now 35 and she's 30), we met while i was doing a medical specialty in a hospital. the first 2 years were great, we lived together, we had fun in a lot of ways including sexual and she was very permissive. being honest i sometimes while being mad at her for things she made or said wrong went into verbal abuse and after apologize her. NEVER ever hit her or did physical abuse. when my medical training ended i returned to my home city. then our relationship lasted 4 more years after that, i used to pay for all her expenses including trips to see us at least every month. when i came back i found out that i got a friend pregnant with a baby girl. but i chosed to continue with my girlfriend. at the beginning she was ok and even offered to support me with the baby. we travelled a lot, to my city, her city, other cities either for fun or for medical courses. i have to admit that i failed her because i had a partial relationship with the mother of my baby, and by partial i mean that we used to hang out at least once in a week and sometimes even have intercourse. my now ex-girlfriend found about it and first she was just like mad, but nothing past that. she begged me to stopped doing that but unfortunely i kept seeing her. we broke in july 2015, and it lasted about 1 month before we got back. i always suspected that something was wrong during that month because while we where apart we still had contac by phone or whatspp, she even treated me like her boyfriend even if we were broken. anyway, in january 2016 after a long discussion with my ex-girlfriend she confessed that she had a one-night sex. after she saw my reaction (i was mad of course because she hold that information for 6 months and for the sex of course... ) she kinda changed her story saying that she went out with a man she met on a disco, unknown to her that man took her to a motel and my ex-gf supposedly didnt have sex with him, she even avoid a kiss from that man. but her story seemed to me a little bit fake. so i started to go to therapy to deal with that, but i used to remember that (im a little bit neurotic and obsesive) and start a fight with my ex-gf. in the last 4 months before finally breaking up we travelled 4 times, including an international flight. she wanted to marry me and she even had a guest list. unfortunely i neved proposed to her. she broke up with me last november 2016, at the beginning we used to talk over the phone or by whatsapp or by sending emails but she went silent completely after the end of january. in a desperate attempt i send her and engagement ring with her mother told me that she only tried it on, she was silent for a few minutes and then took it off. the last time i talk with her she told me that she was better without me and in a better mood and supposedly seeing someone.
now, i know you might be thinking, where are the BPD traits here? well, during our relationship she kept saying to me that i was the man of her life, that she wouldnt meet in the future anyone like me. the fights got heavier, at one point she hurting herself, the first time she scratch horribly with her nails her boobs over a stupid comment i made. i saw her hitting her head with both hands saying she was a stupid. in july when we broke up while i was driving she started screamming and crying and hitting her head against the dashboard. once she tried to "commit suicide" by taking about 10 pills of bromacepam (benzodiacepine) with alcohol, again, over a comment i said, but she only slept a whole day. when we fought over the phone she used to call me a lot! even if a told here that i was working and i needed to see my patients, she kept saying that she didnt care and even talk to my hospital phone number. also, even if we travelled a lot it never seemed enough, she kept saying that she didnt want anything of that and she preferred to get married with me and live together. and lastly, in september, 2 months before we broke up, while we were on vacation, we had a few drinks, again i said something that got her angry, went to our room, and start making superficial cuts on her left arm. when i saw that i took the razor blade and throw it to the toilet. then she started saying to me that i have to tell her mother and her pet dog that she was sorry for what she was about to do. after that she got near the window twice (we where on a 3rd floor) and i assumed she was going to jump. so i had to summit her, at one point i think she passed out or fake she was death or something. i started calling the ambulance, but before that i threw some cold water in her forehead and she woke up. i even had to call her mother to calm her down. the rest of the day was horrible, she kept saying that she only wanted a hug and to feel loved. obviously i was freaking out and the last thing i wanted to do was hugging her! when she went back to her city she started seeing a psychiatrist. she broke up with me like for a week, she even changed her phone number, while she was silent i started to ask some friends about that behaviour and realized that it might be BPD. so i send her a letter telling here that i knew what she had and that i choose to stay away for her own health and wanted her to be happy and alive. curiously she started sending me emails and then we got back, again, but this time we didnt travelled. our last fight, the final break up fight had something to do with an argument over the mother of my baby and her sister, in a way that she told her sister what was going on and both went berserk with me. after that, like i said at the beggining, she started to be indifferent, altough we had some contact over the phone and by whatspp but she stopped responding my emails. she went silent (blocked my phone number, whatsapp, facebook, etc) on january to the date... unfortunely i "learned" her tactics and started to called her from different phone numers, sent a lot of mails (i dont know if she ever read them or not, i didnt get any response at all), even call to her job!, and she kept saying that i was harrasing her!. so my final attempt was to send an engagement ring (i sent it last week), her mother received it, she tried it on once, and she said to her mother that she wasnt going to return with me because of 2 things, first she assumed that i wont forgive her for the bad treatment she has given me since november and the 2nd (i think, cause she didnt said it explicitly) she was seeing someone. after that i choosed to go no contact as well and today is the 6th day im NC, ie: im not sending any email, trying to talk to her or her mother, blocked her from 2 facebook accounts that i no longer use and so... .
that's the end of the story. my toughts? my first thought and as far as i know, her psychiatrist isnt helping her that much, i think that he told her that i was the reason of her problems and convinced her to not to go back with me, she even told me that she was better without me (oddly she wanted to marry me 3 months ago... .). my 2nd thought is that she is sabotaging her psychiatry consult, she told me that the very last time she talk to me on whatsapp (the same day she told me that she was seeing someone, although the first time she told me that she wasnt seeing anyone... ). my 3rd thought and i dont know if im right, even if she is giving me the silent treatment, shes trying to get my attention, cause at the the 4th day of my no contact i found out that she changed her facebook portrait photo with a picture or a drawing of a woman being grabbed by a hand (you can check out that picture, is by brooke shaden, in her facebook portfolio album). for someone saying that she's better without me that doesnt look like that...
now honestly i love her and i miss her, i know she's not a bad person, she even does a lot of charity. im going to therapy to cope with the loss cause not everything was bad in our 6 years of relationship. i have only 4 questions, is she trying to get my attention even if she's giving me the silent treatment with that facebook post? do you think that sending the ring made a difference for the future (by the way, i sent the ring instead of me going to propose her because her mother told me not to go... ), does she still love me even if she feels as she never loved me? and is she likely to come back? i know the first 2 times we broke up she cried a lot with her mother telling her how much she loved...
thanks...
and sorry for the long story, i tried to keep it short. by the way, as far as i know, even if she's going to the psychiatrist, she hasnt been diagnosed with BPD, but im pretty sure she has at least traits... thanks...
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roberto516
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782


« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2017, 10:04:22 AM »

Hi. Im gonna make this as short as possible.
I was in a relationship with a woman 4.5 years younger than me (im now 35 and she's 30), we met while i was doing a medical specialty in a hospital. the first 2 years were great, we lived together, we had fun in a lot of ways including sexual and she was very permissive. being honest i sometimes while being mad at her for things she made or said wrong went into verbal abuse and after apologize her. NEVER ever hit her or did physical abuse. when my medical training ended i returned to my home city. then our relationship lasted 4 more years after that, i used to pay for all her expenses including trips to see us at least every month. when i came back i found out that i got a friend pregnant with a baby girl. but i chosed to continue with my girlfriend. at the beginning she was ok and even offered to support me with the baby. we travelled a lot, to my city, her city, other cities either for fun or for medical courses. i have to admit that i failed her because i had a partial relationship with the mother of my baby, and by partial i mean that we used to hang out at least once in a week and sometimes even have intercourse. my now ex-girlfriend found about it and first she was just like mad, but nothing past that. she begged me to stopped doing that but unfortunely i kept seeing her. we broke in july 2015, and it lasted about 1 month before we got back. i always suspected that something was wrong during that month because while we where apart we still had contac by phone or whatspp, she even treated me like her boyfriend even if we were broken. anyway, in january 2016 after a long discussion with my ex-girlfriend she confessed that she had a one-night sex. after she saw my reaction (i was mad of course because she hold that information for 6 months and for the sex of course... ) she kinda changed her story saying that she went out with a man she met on a disco, unknown to her that man took her to a motel and my ex-gf supposedly didnt have sex with him, she even avoid a kiss from that man. but her story seemed to me a little bit fake. so i started to go to therapy to deal with that, but i used to remember that (im a little bit neurotic and obsesive) and start a fight with my ex-gf. in the last 4 months before finally breaking up we travelled 4 times, including an international flight. she wanted to marry me and she even had a guest list. unfortunely i neved proposed to her. she broke up with me last november 2016, at the beginning we used to talk over the phone or by whatsapp or by sending emails but she went silent completely after the end of january. in a desperate attempt i send her and engagement ring with her mother told me that she only tried it on, she was silent for a few minutes and then took it off. the last time i talk with her she told me that she was better without me and in a better mood and supposedly seeing someone.
now, i know you might be thinking, where are the BPD traits here? well, during our relationship she kept saying to me that i was the man of her life, that she wouldnt meet in the future anyone like me. the fights got heavier, at one point she hurting herself, the first time she scratch horribly with her nails her boobs over a stupid comment i made. i saw her hitting her head with both hands saying she was a stupid. in july when we broke up while i was driving she started screamming and crying and hitting her head against the dashboard. once she tried to "commit suicide" by taking about 10 pills of bromacepam (benzodiacepine) with alcohol, again, over a comment i said, but she only slept a whole day. when we fought over the phone she used to call me a lot! even if a told here that i was working and i needed to see my patients, she kept saying that she didnt care and even talk to my hospital phone number. also, even if we travelled a lot it never seemed enough, she kept saying that she didnt want anything of that and she preferred to get married with me and live together. and lastly, in september, 2 months before we broke up, while we were on vacation, we had a few drinks, again i said something that got her angry, went to our room, and start making superficial cuts on her left arm. when i saw that i took the razor blade and throw it to the toilet. then she started saying to me that i have to tell her mother and her pet dog that she was sorry for what she was about to do. after that she got near the window twice (we where on a 3rd floor) and i assumed she was going to jump. so i had to summit her, at one point i think she passed out or fake she was death or something. i started calling the ambulance, but before that i threw some cold water in her forehead and she woke up. i even had to call her mother to calm her down. the rest of the day was horrible, she kept saying that she only wanted a hug and to feel loved. obviously i was freaking out and the last thing i wanted to do was hugging her! when she went back to her city she started seeing a psychiatrist. she broke up with me like for a week, she even changed her phone number, while she was silent i started to ask some friends about that behaviour and realized that it might be BPD. so i send her a letter telling here that i knew what she had and that i choose to stay away for her own health and wanted her to be happy and alive. curiously she started sending me emails and then we got back, again, but this time we didnt travelled. our last fight, the final break up fight had something to do with an argument over the mother of my baby and her sister, in a way that she told her sister what was going on and both went berserk with me. after that, like i said at the beggining, she started to be indifferent, altough we had some contact over the phone and by whatspp but she stopped responding my emails. she went silent (blocked my phone number, whatsapp, facebook, etc) on january to the date... unfortunely i "learned" her tactics and started to called her from different phone numers, sent a lot of mails (i dont know if she ever read them or not, i didnt get any response at all), even call to her job!, and she kept saying that i was harrasing her!. so my final attempt was to send an engagement ring (i sent it last week), her mother received it, she tried it on once, and she said to her mother that she wasnt going to return with me because of 2 things, first she assumed that i wont forgive her for the bad treatment she has given me since november and the 2nd (i think, cause she didnt said it explicitly) she was seeing someone. after that i choosed to go no contact as well and today is the 6th day im NC, ie: im not sending any email, trying to talk to her or her mother, blocked her from 2 facebook accounts that i no longer use and so... .
that's the end of the story. my toughts? my first thought and as far as i know, her psychiatrist isnt helping her that much, i think that he told her that i was the reason of her problems and convinced her to not to go back with me, she even told me that she was better without me (oddly she wanted to marry me 3 months ago... .). my 2nd thought is that she is sabotaging her psychiatry consult, she told me that the very last time she talk to me on whatsapp (the same day she told me that she was seeing someone, although the first time she told me that she wasnt seeing anyone... ). my 3rd thought and i dont know if im right, even if she is giving me the silent treatment, shes trying to get my attention, cause at the the 4th day of my no contact i found out that she changed her facebook portrait photo with a picture or a drawing of a woman being grabbed by a hand (you can check out that picture, is by brooke shaden, in her facebook portfolio album). for someone saying that she's better without me that doesnt look like that...
now honestly i love her and i miss her, i know she's not a bad person, she even does a lot of charity. im going to therapy to cope with the loss cause not everything was bad in our 6 years of relationship. i have only 4 questions, is she trying to get my attention even if she's giving me the silent treatment with that facebook post? do you think that sending the ring made a difference for the future (by the way, i sent the ring instead of me going to propose her because her mother told me not to go... ), does she still love me even if she feels as she never loved me? and is she likely to come back? i know the first 2 times we broke up she cried a lot with her mother telling her how much she loved...
thanks...
and sorry for the long story, i tried to keep it short. by the way, as far as i know, even if she's going to the psychiatrist, she hasnt been diagnosed with BPD, but im pretty sure she has at least traits... thanks...

Welcome my friend. I can relate all to well. Especially the whole talking about engagement ideas 2 weeks before she had enough. To answer your questions.
1. She is either trying to get you to beg to keep in control of you or you have been painted all black and it's a genuine get away from me. Tough to tell. When her life starts to quiet down and she feels a void you'll probably get a reach out.
2. Doesn't matter. She didn't believe that I had actually bought a ring and when I finally sent her the invoice receipt she said "I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry I doubted you." but it was too late. She had already made up her mind.
3. Hate to break it to you. But if this is a borderline break, then she doesn't love you. She never did. She loved you for what you could do for her. Sure I loved her because of what she provided me but many many many times did I do things for her out of genuine happiness that she was going to feel good because of it.
4. You have a good chance of being recycled. Mine won't. I painted her black. And we worked together and she deleted my family on facebook, etc. One thing they want desperately is attention from others. I don't think mine will ever face possible shame of trying again. Doesn't matter to me. i don't care what people think. But she is different.

I also think that my ex's therapist has been fooled by the victim role. She even told me"my therapist told me I don't have to engage in your arguments." Not realizing that she only responds to high or low emotions. So I'm in the same boat. Welcome to the page. Feel free to message me anytime. Let's help each other!
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Xeonrebel
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2017, 12:08:27 PM »

mmm... .in that sense that is true. she told her stepfather when he saw the ring on her finger that it was too late and i should have given the ring to her when she ask for it. too late for what? im a believer that if you truly want to get married and it only passed 3 months after break up at least you would think about it! in my case she continued the silent treatment. i learned about her reaction thru her mother.
about the facebook remark, im lost in that one. on one hand i agree with that it might be a sign of beg me again cause im sad or depressed so i can continue ignoring you. on the other hand, cause i know her, maybe she is really sad for something. im not sure if she's sad for me or something else.
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wfsgraplw

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2017, 12:41:51 PM »

You're not going to like this, but from my perspective, I don't think she's BPD at all. She sounds like a good, kind hearted person who truly loved you but that you tore apart with your cheating. The ring thing, I imagine she tried it on, thought for a second about what could have been, and then took it off realising she deserved better.
I'm sorry mate, but try and imagine how she must have felt. It must have driven her absolutely crazy. She did everything she could to try and make you happy, try and make you be faithful, and you couldn't. She must have felt completely worthless. Like she was never good enough. It's a testament to who she is as a person and just how much she loved you that she was able to take it for so long.
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Xeonrebel
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2017, 01:33:46 PM »

thats why i said she might have traits, i know that i did wrong things, i know, and i tried to compensate as much as i could. but i have things in her la dissociation, one we had an argument and she kept staring blank while hyperventilating...
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Xeonrebel
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2017, 03:03:52 PM »

i just have one last question: is it possible that she's trying to catch my attention? i'll explain: i have another facebook account that i used a few days ago to check her, since she's got me blocked me on my regular facebook account. when i decided to go no contact because i was feeling really anxious about the break up, i couldnt block her because 48hrs hasnt passed yet. so in desperate attempt, i sent her a friend invitation (by the way, she nows that secundary account is mine... ). oddly, she declined the invitation, but didnt block me. anyway, in my regular account i changed my picture to a grieving snoopy weaving goodbye to a red balloon with the text "let it go"... after that i went no contact with her. after the 48hrs pasted, i was about to block her when i saw she change her main picture with a selfie with glasses but she wasnt smiling (she used to put pictures smiling and happy) and the portrait picture was of a painting (or drawing, whatever) of a girl with her head down being held from her body by a big hand coming from the sky, so to speak... now, i know here, and the second time we broke up she sent some signals thru posting musical videos about missing somebody. this time her facebook account is blocked in a sense you can only see her profile and portrait picture, i dont if she has posted any message or even deleted pictures with me. the portrait picture itself is sad and two people that i have showed it they say it transmits either depression, sadness or anxiety. what do you think? is it a call for attention? even if she has blocked me from everything, even cell phone and even told me on her last email that she was happier and more calm without me... .by the way im on my 6th day of NC (and she's like 1 month with the silent treatment)... thanks!
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roberto516
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 782


« Reply #6 on: March 01, 2017, 05:02:53 PM »

i just have one last question: is it possible that she's trying to catch my attention? i'll explain: i have another facebook account that i used a few days ago to check her, since she's got me blocked me on my regular facebook account. when i decided to go no contact because i was feeling really anxious about the break up, i couldnt block her because 48hrs hasnt passed yet. so in desperate attempt, i sent her a friend invitation (by the way, she nows that secundary account is mine... ). oddly, she declined the invitation, but didnt block me. anyway, in my regular account i changed my picture to a grieving snoopy weaving goodbye to a red balloon with the text "let it go"... after that i went no contact with her. after the 48hrs pasted, i was about to block her when i saw she change her main picture with a selfie with glasses but she wasnt smiling (she used to put pictures smiling and happy) and the portrait picture was of a painting (or drawing, whatever) of a girl with her head down being held from her body by a big hand coming from the sky, so to speak... now, i know here, and the second time we broke up she sent some signals thru posting musical videos about missing somebody. this time her facebook account is blocked in a sense you can only see her profile and portrait picture, i dont if she has posted any message or even deleted pictures with me. the portrait picture itself is sad and two people that i have showed it they say it transmits either depression, sadness or anxiety. what do you think? is it a call for attention? even if she has blocked me from everything, even cell phone and even told me on her last email that she was happier and more calm without me... .by the way im on my 6th day of NC (and she's like 1 month with the silent treatment)... thanks!

I think she's done. And if she came back it might just all start over again. Trust me I put stuff up here hoping for good news but everyone's so brutally honest that eventually I'll accept that my relationship is over. I have to. And if she does come back, because I'll be honest after rereading it it does seem like you weren't a saint. I wasn't either. Said mean things and threatened to leave alot. But maybe she'd be coming back out of codependency and not love.

So I'd give you advice. Go to therapy. Figure out what's going on with you. So if she comes back you may have some coping skills to figure it out. I wish I had gone sooner. Maybe the therapist would've told me to get the hell out or to look at this way instead. Which could've helped.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
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