Six Years Later

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been a number of years since I last posted on the boards, but I thought talking about those years might help others see a light at the other end of the tunnel.

Brief background: I was with my uxBPDw for sixteen years; we had children together, she wanted a big family. I was subjected to regular emotional and physical abuse as she cycled; I was gaslit into believing I was the problem. So I learned first-hand why people stay in abusive relationships and how they can convince themselves it is OK.

One day, out of the blue, she said she "didn't want to be a mother any longer" and walked out. Shortly thereafter I found out she had been cheating on me for a year, that she had been painting me black to (non-mutual) friends, and so on.

Her leaving threw me into a deep, suicidal depression for months. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped engaging in any of the activities I had enjoyed beforehand, and I kept trying to fix the relationship, to convince her to come back, to visit with her children, and so on. I became so deeply depressed I checked myself into a facility for two weeks because I feared I wasn't safe with myself.

That's the short version. There was all sorts of continuing craziness during the interim, where I foolishly kept paying her cellphone bill and otherwise taking on responsibilities that weren't mine, there were custody and child-support hearings that she simply never showed up for, vague unfulfilled promises from her that devastated the kids, and so on.

The emotional scars from this took years to heal: I had spent nearly half my life in that toxic relationship, had convinced myself it was the best I would ever have, that love meant just staying. Even now, there is still emotional baggage.

About five months after my ex left, I was encouraged by my T to start meeting new people, trying new activities, and casually dating, rather than continue to hole up in the house. I eventually met a woman who lived a bit away. We talked on the phone regularly, met for dates and outings, spent some weekends together, introduced our children to one another, met each other's friends and so on.

During this period, I spent a lot of time talking with my T about red flags and how I basically saw them everywhere now, with everyone in my life; we worked through them. I'd been so injured by the gas-lighting and abandonment I had to learn to distinguish real red flags from false ones; this was tough, and terrifying.

A year later, the woman and I decided to move in together to give that final test of the compatibility waters. I still owned my house, so there was an exit plan if things did not work out, and we wouldn't be trapped living with each other.

It was nothing like the first year I spent with my ex, which had been full of red flags and emotional manipulation I had been too young and too idealistic to see or respond to. I wasn't wondering how to "get out" a couple months in, we didn't fight, and differences of opinion were talked out, not screamed, didn't involve being punched or having things thrown at me, and I wasn't once emotionally manipulated or made responsible for her feelings with phrases like "fine, I'll just kill myself" or "I hate you, get out... .don't you dare leave," nor were my kids weren't able to play us off against each other.

Another year later and we married.

We have been together almost five years now, and it is still a completely different relationship than I'd had any experience of before: there are no head games, no manipulation, no gaslighting, no eggshells. There is honesty, communication, and equality. If you've never experienced a healthy, stable relationship, it is incredibly freeing; it is a whole different world.

As to my ex, sometime around the end of the first year after she left, I finally forced myself to stop taking on responsibility for her choices and behaviors: no longer attempting to convince her to see the kids or be involved with them, not paying her bills or trying to keep tabs on her, etc. This was difficult, but necessary, and it came with a heavy attack of emotional manipulation "how would she talk to the kids without a phone?" ("pay for your own" and "why are you taking my children from me?" ("I'm not". It would be two years before the kids heard from or saw her again.

From what little I've inferred, it seems her relationships with the people she had been staying with during that time slowly self-destructed, and she moved in with a new partner, whom, based on our brief interactions, seems to be a stabilizing influence (though I'm neither interested in their private lives nor care to be). I am told her partner was the one who convinced her to get involved with her kids again; she sees them now a few times a year for a weekend or two.

I only see her for about five minutes each time during pick-up and drop-off, which is more than I care to, but I engage her politely and chat with her new partner. From where I was six years ago, if someone had told me this would be where I was at, I would have called them a liar and insisted the broken relationship I had been living in was the only one I wanted to go back to (which, six years ago, I actually did).

Hopefully hearing about my experience will be helpful to anyone suffering through the early stages of a break-up. Even if you don't believe there is an end to the pain and loss you're feeling, just keep it in mind. There really is an entirely different, better, not-insane life waiting for you on the other end of what you're feeling.

[northerndragon]

It's been a number of years since I last posted on the boards, but I thought talking about those years might help others see a light at the other end of the tunnel.

Brief background: I was with my uxBPDw for sixteen years; we had children together, she wanted a big family. I was subjected to regular emotional and physical abuse as she cycled; I was gaslit into believing I was the problem. So I learned first-hand why people stay in abusive relationships and how they can convince themselves it is OK.

One day, out of the blue, she said she "didn't want to be a mother any longer" and walked out. Shortly thereafter I found out she had been cheating on me for a year, that she had been painting me black to (non-mutual) friends, and so on.

Her leaving threw me into a deep, suicidal depression for months. I stopped going out with friends, I stopped engaging in any of the activities I had enjoyed beforehand, and I kept trying to fix the relationship, to convince her to come back, to visit with her children, and so on. I became so deeply depressed I checked myself into a facility for two weeks because I feared I wasn't safe with myself.

That's the short version. There was all sorts of continuing craziness during the interim, where I foolishly kept paying her cellphone bill and otherwise taking on responsibilities that weren't mine, there were custody and child-support hearings that she simply never showed up for, vague unfulfilled promises from her that devastated the kids, and so on.

The emotional scars from this took years to heal: I had spent nearly half my life in that toxic relationship, had convinced myself it was the best I would ever have, that love meant just staying. Even now, there is still emotional baggage.

About five months after my ex left, I was encouraged by my T to start meeting new people, trying new activities, and casually dating, rather than continue to hole up in the house. I eventually met a woman who lived a bit away. We talked on the phone regularly, met for dates and outings, spent some weekends together, introduced our children to one another, met each other's friends and so on.

During this period, I spent a lot of time talking with my T about red flags and how I basically saw them everywhere now, with everyone in my life; we worked through them. I'd been so injured by the gas-lighting and abandonment I had to learn to distinguish real red flags from false ones; this was tough, and terrifying.

A year later, the woman and I decided to move in together to give that final test of the compatibility waters. I still owned my house, so there was an exit plan if things did not work out, and we wouldn't be trapped living with each other.

It was nothing like the first year I spent with my ex, which had been full of red flags and emotional manipulation I had been too young and too idealistic to see or respond to. I wasn't wondering how to "get out" a couple months in, we didn't fight, and differences of opinion were talked out, not screamed, didn't involve being punched or having things thrown at me, and I wasn't once emotionally manipulated or made responsible for her feelings with phrases like "fine, I'll just kill myself" or "I hate you, get out... .don't you dare leave," nor were my kids weren't able to play us off against each other.

Another year later and we married.

We have been together almost five years now, and it is still a completely different relationship than I'd had any experience of before: there are no head games, no manipulation, no gaslighting, no eggshells. There is honesty, communication, and equality. If you've never experienced a healthy, stable relationship, it is incredibly freeing; it is a whole different world.

As to my ex, sometime around the end of the first year after she left, I finally forced myself to stop taking on responsibility for her choices and behaviors: no longer attempting to convince her to see the kids or be involved with them, not paying her bills or trying to keep tabs on her, etc. This was difficult, but necessary, and it came with a heavy attack of emotional manipulation "how would she talk to the kids without a phone?" ("pay for your own" and "why are you taking my children from me?" ("I'm not". It would be two years before the kids heard from or saw her again.

From what little I've inferred, it seems her relationships with the people she had been staying with during that time slowly self-destructed, and she moved in with a new partner, whom, based on our brief interactions, seems to be a stabilizing influence (though I'm neither interested in their private lives nor care to be). I am told her partner was the one who convinced her to get involved with her kids again; she sees them now a few times a year for a weekend or two.

I only see her for about five minutes each time during pick-up and drop-off, which is more than I care to, but I engage her politely and chat with her new partner. From where I was six years ago, if someone had told me this would be where I was at, I would have called them a liar and insisted the broken relationship I had been living in was the only one I wanted to go back to (which, six years ago, I actually did).

Hopefully hearing about my experience will be helpful to anyone suffering through the early stages of a break-up. Even if you don't believe there is an end to the pain and loss you're feeling, just keep it in mind. There really is an entirely different, better, not-insane life waiting for you on the other end of what you're feeling.

[anothercasualty]

Thank you. I needed a post like this today.

I am very happy for where you are currently and am looking forward to being there too!

[Circle]

Hopefully hearing about my experience will be helpful to anyone suffering through the early stages of a break-up. Even if you don't believe there is an end to the pain and loss you're feeling, just keep it in mind. There really is an entirely different, better, not-insane life waiting for you on the other end of what you're feeling.

Thanks for sharing---

[hopealways]

Thanks for sharing, we need to hear more of these stories!

[2014]

Awesome read, thank you so much!

[Aiming4Kindness]

What a gift!  Thanks so much for sharing your story.  Really gives me hope.  I'm currently 3.5 weeks out of the relationship.  Thanks again.

[roberto516]

Thank you for this. If anyone is aware of the 12 step philosophy with AA and NA we really are a recovery group. We should make up a moniker or something . But yeah, it really helps all those in any type of recovery to hear from those doing well. Gives us hope. And you didn't have to decide to randomly appear and share this. You did it because you care. It makes me so proud to be a part of something like this. And I know that I would have never met all of you amazing people if something so terrible didn't happen. From the bottom of my heart truly, thank you.

[heartandwhole]

northerndragon, I'm happy for you. Thank you for coming back and sharing  this success story. It gives us all hope.

What was the key to your recovery, would you say?

heartandwhole

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you so much for sharing! I really needed to hear a positive story today. Ex has been out of the house for a year now and it still feels like yesterday at times.

It is great to hear that you were able to heal and move on to a better and more stable relationship.

[northerndragon]

I am so glad this helps people, and am touched that sharing it matters. Thank you, everyone.

What was the key to your recovery, would you say?

heartandwhole, that's an excellent question. I don't know, really, there are so many things I could say here. But, maybe, the most important is time. Nothing goes away overnight.

As importantly, honest detachment and careful reassessments, because while those won't make the pain go away, it is like putting on a band-aid or getting stitches, the wound still hurts, but it helps the healing.

Time won't heal if we don't let it.

It sounds really easy to say all this when standing on the other side--making it sound so simple--and it isn't (I know!), just keep moving forward.

[earlyL]

This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing. And yes, time, funny how we know it, but it does feel endless. I have never known days to be so long in my life. I look forward to the days when I can't fit everything in again.

[infjEpic]

Thank you so much for sharing this.

[Circle]

This song seems to fit with this thread.
An anthem, in a way.
"I Don't Hurt Anymore"

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=78c2ZNjfj_Y

[HopinAndPrayin]

Thank you for your generosity in posting your story and showing how wonderful the future can be.