Can I hit the "redo" button?

[Missusippi]

Hi:  I'm new to this site.  I'm not sure why I "went for the juglar" to tell my parent (in front of our family doctor) that I saw traits of BPD in her (oops... .now you know which parent)    I qualified this by saying I'm not trying to diagnose but this is what I observe. I think I was so frustrated, broken and sick over being berated and falsely accused, as well as watching my daughter now being affected (anxiety) by all her grandma's unexpected behaviors.  It happened before I checked out BPDcentral.com, too.  This has been going on for several decades... .in spite of my daughter and I working on boundaries, not owning all the tantrums, lies and mood swings... .it's so true that this is a long, slow journey with few expectations of healing for someone we love but who's behavior we are SO weary of.  Thanks for your input and insights.     

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Missusippi:   
Sorry about the situation with your mom.  This is a safe place to share.  Is there some reason you wanted to be generic, in view of the doctor visit?   I think you will gain more value in the long run, if readers understand which parent you are talking about.  If you are using an ID that others know you commonly use, perhaps you might want to request an immediate ID change.

How have things been, since the doctor visit?  Is you mother speaking to you?  Is your father in the picture?

You can't change your mom, but you can interact with her and react to her in ways that can make it better for you.  Are you consistent with your boundaries?  Boundaries are your your benefit and are for you to enforce.  Your mom won't like your boundaries, but if you are consistent with them, there can be benefits for you and your daughter.

The lessons at the links below can be helpful:
COMMUNICATIONS OVERIVEW

VALIDATION (Don't Invalidate)

Validation is not about agreeing with you mom.  It's about validating feelings.  What's more important than validating is to NOT invalidate by word, expression or body language. 

Some people like to come back to their threads, after they read a lesson and check their understanding by asking questions or to practice.  Are there some boundaries you struggle with?  Have you tried some form of validation in the past?  Perhaps after reading the lesson on Don't Invalidate, you might realize you have invalidated your mom at times?

[Missusippi]

Thank you for your response and the reminders.  I must say I have not consistently validated my mom in the past and I have been inconsistent with boundaries.  We will keep working on them.  I have decided to step way back from our relationship. I need a break from her.  She probably does from me.  I seem to remind her of all the things that are wrong in her life-I can't make a move without disappointing her. For over 2 weeks I haven't visited her, invited her to lunch, etc. I haven't seen her.  The last time I did, we were having what I thought was a friendly chat in the yard. However, true to form, she threw out a rude, hurtful comment.  Ugh.  I forgive her and move on. I send her a daily text, wishing her a good day.  There are only so many variations I can come up with until those phrases get really old.  I try to throw in occasional news to break up the monotony and hide my lack of heart-felt enthusiasm... .I'm so burned out.  Her M. O. is to try to lure me in with sweetness, then when I'm in her presence she will cut loose and verbally tear me to pieces.  So that's why I'm staying away.  She can't handle me in person.  So things basically got worse since the doctor visit. My father is remarried and lives across country. Thanks! 

[TDeer]

Maybe all you can do for the meantime, while you learn more about BPD, is to take that break you need from your mother.


I've been told over and over that all my BPD MIL will understand is if she crosses a boundary and experiences a lack of emotional closeness. Meaning, she's only going to respond to you withdrawing.

That said, it's my MIL and not my mother. I think the same concept applies.

[Missusippi]

Hi TDeer:

Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your situation.  What you said makes sense. 

The counselor we saw together told us both we're too enmeshed in each others' lives and we need to "step back".  He did validate the need for "time-outs", which helped me so much. 

I notice the longer I'm away, I feel better and can think more clearly... .   

[Panda39]

Hi Missusippi,

Welcome to the BPD Family  .  You've found a great place to get information, support, advice, and even just a place to vent when you need to.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your relationship with your mom but know that you are not alone, there are many other the children with BPD parents on this site that I think you will discover you have much in common with. Everyone here has a person with BPD in their life and we "get it".

I notice the longer I'm away, I feel better and can think more clearly... .   

This is what often happens... .you are coming out of the FOG... .breaking contact or keeping it minimal takes away your mother's ability to use FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to manipulate you.
Below is a link to more information on FOG/Emotional Blackmail.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

  The counselor we saw together told us both we're too enmeshed in each others' lives and we need to "step back".  He did validate the need for "time-outs", which helped me so much. 

Enmeshment often happens between a BPD parent and at least one of their children, I've seen it with my SO's older daughter and her uBPDmom.  That daughter was also parentified and became her mother's emotional caretaker. More on enmeshment in the link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

Sometimes is helps me to hear things from someone else so I just want to say that taking a break or stepping back from your mom while you work through some things surrounding your relationship I think is a good thing.  I know there can be a lot of guilt around doing this... .I've seen my SO's daughters struggle with it... .but it is okay to do what is right for you, it is okay to put your needs first, it isn't bad, it isn't selfish, it is self care.

Before I go I just wanted to point out some of the resources on this site.  One is the box to the right --> each item there is link to more information you might want to checkout the items in the "Lessons" section. Above in the green toolbar check out "Tools" and "Insights".

I'm glad you found us and am glad you decided to jump into the discussions!

Take Care,
Panda39

[Missusippi]

Hi Panda39
Wow! That FOG info was worth the price of admission! Thank you SO much for that.  I am really grateful for everyone's compassion and insight and wish you all the best in your lives, as well.  I keep hearing over and over that "oxygen mask on the airplane" analogy (put yours on before your child's, etc.).  It's a hard, bad habit to break, not taking care of yourself so you're fit to help your loved ones.

 

[Turkish]

How old is your daughter and how has she been affected?

[Panda39]

Glad the information was helpful!  I've learned a lot here, it really can help when you can understand what is going on in the dance we do with someone with BPD.

Much of it is them and their behavior but as they say "it takes two to tango" so sometimes our reactions can also keep the tango going.  Because we really can't change another person, it's what we can change in ourselves that can help improve the situation.  But first it helps to understand what is going on within the relationship you have with the other person and sometimes it's hard to see those dynamics because you're "in it".

FOG seems to be ever present with pwBPD (people with BPD) it is the dysfunctional way someone with BPD asks for what they want and what they need and how they control others to get those needs met. It can really help when you recognize this is going on and see it for what it is, I think it makes it easier to enforce your own boundaries when you see this as emotional blackmail vs taking it personally.  The challenging part is recognizing it when it's happening in the heat of the moment... .it's sort of like taking yourself out of the interaction and watching as an outside observer.  Then you're like hey  this is FOG this isn't about me at all this is about her and her issues.

So when you are in the FOG and your mom is guilting you (my SO's uBPDxw's favorite part of FOG  ) what do you usually do? If you are like most of us you probably JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain... .we love acronyms around here  ) The problem with JADE is that it will lead you into a circular argument that as you already know is exhausting. 

More on JADE and circular arguments below... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

Panda39

[Missusippi]

 Hi Turkish:

My daughter (D) is in her early 20's with mild autism spectrum disorder/cognitive delays.  She is a sweet, responsible, quiet, "lone wolf" type of girl who has been her grandmother's (G) part-time caregiver/personal assistant for 2+ years.

 When G tries triangulate or bad mouth me, D replies "I'm here to work.  If you don't want me to do my job, I need to go-I have other work to do." 

In spite of D's brilliant ability to handle her G in such a stellar way, these situations cause her to become more anxious-she's already walking on eggshells.  D gets nervous and unsure of herself, but since she, her dad and I have a safe relationship, we are able to talk through these problems together.  D did not grow up with her G in her life-she loves her but doesn't have a deep bond with her.   

 

[Missusippi]

Hey there, Panda39:

Well, my husband and I went to "the dance" today... .it was the tango from hell.    I had been trying to prep him and we talked about validating, but since his work takes him away from home a lot, we didn't have time to practice so I JADE-ed big time and he left the room frustrated and upset after trying to reason with my mom. He's frustrated that she "spins a web and traps us". You are SO right... .It is SO challenging to recognize what's happening when you're in the middle of it.

I haven't met with her in over 3 weeks.  She asked if we could visit.  We agreed... .unfortunately we didn't have a good plan and we allowed her to rule the conversation, didn't set boundaries early enough before things got out of hand. Our visit started friendly, then began to unravel.  I can't believe I just let it happen. But I wasn't owning any of it for once.  I guess we get up, brush the dirt off, and try again. 

I love anacronyms... .it's the only way I can remember anything! ha!  Thank you for the links, too!