How to be there for my sister and still be my own person?

[freewest]

Hi everyone,

I just found this forum, and so far reading through has been very helpful. I'm the older sister of someone dealing with BPD and major depression. We both live in the same city, which is not very close to our hometown where my parents and other family members live. As such, I'm the only family member that my sister sees on a regular basis, and I've been struggling with pressure from other family members to spend as much time as possible with her. In the meantime, I'm trying to live a whole and healthy life, as well as maintain a positive relationship with my wonderful but often-confusing, sad, angry, and impulsive sister.

We come from a fairly close-knit family, but one that was also sometimes dysfunctional. Emotions were never talked about, and when my sister would express the strong feelings she had as a child through behaviors, she was quickly repressed by our parents. I have the feeling that hearing about all the issues she's dealing with now as an adult is deeply upsetting for them--even more so than it might be for others, because they are so uncomfortable and avoidant of emotional situations and conversations. As a result, they alternate between trying to control the situation and mentally denying its reality.

I'm fairly new to the city that my sister and I live in, and my sister only moved here a little before I did. (Our moving to the same city happened before I knew about her BPD, so was not related to that.) While I'm grateful that I happen to be around and have genuinely enjoyed some aspects of living nearby to my sister, I'm also in a tough place myself, trying to make friends, figure out a new job, and get stable in a new city. Meanwhile my sister has had several suicide attempts and hospitalizations, among many other issues, and is clearly having a hard time living independently and taking care of herself. Lately, I've been feeling pressure from my parents to have her stay over at my place more often, which I think my sister may also want, and I'm feeling really afraid for my emotional health (I've struggled with mild depression and anxiety in the past).

I feel guilty for wanting emotional and physical space from her and for wanting to build my own life in our city. I know it is healthy to take care of my own needs too, but I do also genuinely want to be there for her and help her stabilize her life. Sometimes I'm tempted to bring up the subject of us moving in together, but I worry that would ultimately strain our relationship and lead me to feel trapped. I feel like I'm always being pulled in many directions when it comes to my sister. Above all, I'm terrified that I'll lose her. She is getting professional help, but it seems like it's not enough, and she's very secretive about what's going on with her emotionally or otherwise.

Thanks for reading, and if anyone can relate I'd love to hear about your experiences.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Freewest:
 I'm so sorry about the problems with your sister. It's a tough situation to be in. Is your sister participating in her therapy and wanting to get better?  That can make a difference. What are some of her worst behaviors (other than attempted suicide).  Is she jealous?

Does anyone else in the family have any mental health issues ( other than your periodic depression and anxiety)?

  I feel guilty for wanting emotional and physical space from her and for wanting to build my own life in our city. I know it is healthy to take care of my own needs too, but I do also genuinely want to be there for her and help her stabilize her life  

FOG - (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) is something helpful to read about.  You can support her as best you can, but you can't fix her. Most people will struggle with BPD for most of their life.  Some people have remissions for periods of time, but flair ups are likely to occur during stressful times.

 Sometimes I'm tempted to bring up the subject of us moving in together, but I worry that would ultimately strain our relationship and lead me to feel trapped. I feel like I'm always being pulled in many directions when it comes to my sister. Above all, I'm terrified that I'll lose her. She is getting professional help, but it seems like it's not enough, and she's very secretive about what's going on with her emotionally or otherwise.

I hear that you care for your sister, but in order for you to stay healthy, you can't be her caretaker or the one to fix her.  What are some examples of being pulled in many directions by your sister?

 Lately, I've been feeling pressure from my parents to have her stay over at my place more often, which I think my sister may also want, and I'm feeling really afraid for my emotional health (I've struggled with mild depression and anxiety in the past).  

You might want to hold off on a permanent move in. Perhaps you can have her stay for few days or a week or two, when she needs help.  Most situations I've read about, where a BPD relative moves in haven't gone well. Best to test things out for awhile. How would she act if you get serious with a boyfriend?

Once you have her move in permanently, you might find that it will take a lot of effort and emotional drain to reverse it.  Also, living together may well bring on bouts of anxiety and depression for you.

The decision has to be yours. I'm just trying to help you think it through. There won't be any easy fixes. You need to focus on what is healthy for you. You don't need to take on the role of your sister's caretaker, because your parent's want that.

[freewest]

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

I apologize that I didn't see your post until now. Thank you for the thoughtful response.

Fortunately my sister is in therapy (twice a week), also seeing a psychiatrist and taking her meds. She seems like she wants to get better. She's looking into doing a residential treatment program for a while. She does deal with a lot of jealousy and hot/cold relationships with family members and friends, where they are either "nice" or "mean" to her. She has self-harm issues, overspending issues, issues maintaining relationships/friendships, and disordered eating in addition to the chronic suicidality.

Mental health issues do run in the family. There is schizophrenia, OCD/hoarding, as well as what I believe to be undiagnosed depression/general anxiety issues going on on both sides of the family tree. The family dynamics are a whole other layer complicating the situation.

Thank you for your thoughts on maintaining healthy emotional boundaries. It's hard to know how to help support her, without throwing my own life way out of balance. But talking about it helps. I think part of the challenge is that she is very private and tries to be independent in many areas of her life, but when that doesn't go well she goes into crisis mode and angrily demands help. I don't know how to help overall without feeling resentful that she only engages with me once things have gotten really bad and are more complicated to work on.

I try to leave the door open to her coming to stay with me (and my husband) if she wants to, but I think in my heart of hearts it probably wouldn't be a good idea for her to move in permanently.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey: freewest   

I think part of the challenge is that she is very private and tries to be independent in many areas of her life, but when that doesn't go well she goes into crisis mode and angrily demands help. I don't know how to help overall without feeling resentful that she only engages with me once things have gotten really bad and are more complicated to work on.

You may have to RADICAL ACCEPTEPT this situation with your sister.  It is likely about her embarrassment and she has a problem asking for help.  I can understand how frustrating it must be for you.  You won't likely have a reciprocal sisterly relationship, where you might alternate back and forth to chat and see how things are going. 

You might have to be the one who calls periodically to try and find out how things are going.  Perhaps you are already doing this.  Hopefully, her treatment will help her and she will learn to open up a bit more and ask for help earlier.  Perhaps, there is some way to approach her so that she feels more comfortable with your help on certain things.

I try to leave the door open to her coming to stay with me (and my husband) if she wants to, but I think in my heart of hearts it probably wouldn't be a good idea for her to move in permanently.

  You need to preserve your own marriage and sanity.  Another thing to consider is that sometimes when someone moves in with a relative, they quit trying to get better.  It can provide them a place to hide and give up.  Sometimes, I think when someone has to work, maintain their own household, etc.  it can be a healthier situation for them.