Introduction thread: Wife with BPD? (long)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’d like to start out by saying that I am far from perfect myself.  If I had to be labelled it would probably be something along the lines of “highly introverted” and there would probably be a few other labels that could be added to that, but I definitely can’t dispute “introverted”.  I was a bachelor until I was 30 years old with little history of dating prior to meeting my wife.  Most of my time was spent working or gaming (PC, roleplay, etc.) with little else in between.

In 1997 I moved to Switzerland for what was supposed to be a 2 year project, but turned into a permanent move once I met and married my wife.

Thinking back on it I can say that my wife showed signs of BPD right from the start.  Anytime I disagreed with her it was impossible to discuss the subject right away as she would always get emotional making it impossible to continue the discussion.  Right from the start I developed what I called the “cool down period” for any important discussion.  Basically I would introduce a subject of discussion during the evening and often she would disagree and get emotional.  The next morning, after she had slept on it, we were usually able to discuss things more rationally and come to a decision.

When she disagreed and I couldn’t convince her of a certain decision, I ended up forming a “tri-pod” with her sister, mother or father to talk her around to changing her mind.  If I only had her sisters support it wasn’t always possible to get her to agree, but I can’t actually think of any time it didn’t work if one of her parents was involved.

I think things started getting worse once we had the kids.  It wasn’t actually the children that were the cause, it was more the fact that I started putting off confrontations due to the fact that there was always something in her life that already had her on edge of breakdown and I didn’t want to push her over.  To give the highlights:
-   During the pregnancy of our 2nd child she had to be put in the hospital 2 months prior to the due date as we detected that she was leaking fluid.  The result was that the baby was premature and my wife had a long recovery from being bed ridden for so long.
-   A year after the birth she changed jobs and ended up with a boss who mobbed her into a nervous breakdown.  The end results (after about 3 years) was that she changed jobs

All of this added up to a 5 year period where I was way too enabling and where I never found a good time to really challenge her on anything important.  Luckily during this period there were no real critical life changing decisions that needed to be made.

One result of the mobbing was that she did consult with a psychologist. I forget the details of his analysis, but basically his opinion was that she would have to follow therapy in order to correct whatever he thought he had identified, but of course she disagreed, thought he was totally wrong, and that was the end of that. 
She did actually see another therapist for a while, but it was to follow a type of therapy involving flashing lights and pressure points, to help her overcome traumatic memories from her past.

I didn’t really notice at the time (but should have) that her BPD focus was more and more on my son and his “disrespect” of her authority.  Because of this we had him discussing with a therapist since he was about 6 years old. During the group discussions around my son it often came out that my wife’s treatment of my son would have to be modified, but after these discussions she always dismissed the conclusions and advice of the therapist or would only put them into practice for a week or so before reverting.

After an embarrassing situation where I was caught masturbating to porn by my wife (I did say that I wasn’t perfect) we ended up seeing a sexolog for about 6 months, which didn’t help much as she had the same basic reaction to advice from the therapist.  Anything that disagreed with her way of thinking was stupid and anything that confirmed it was correct.  Since most of the therapist’s advice was “stupid” we didn’t continue for very long.

Recently, as a means of helping my son, she, my son and her / their doctor had a meeting to discuss my son’s attitude.  During this discussion the doctor suggested that I start taking over responsibility for going over my son’s homework with him instead of my wife. Especially since this has been the major source of conflict between them for years.  My wife took this as a sign of defeat, but actually agreed to give it a try. Unfortunately she has been unable to fully let go of the responsibility and so the conflict has continued.

What finally made me connect my wife’s behavior with BPD was a recent dispute where my wife wants to send my son to boarding school in order to make him into the perfect son who will go on to have a perfect life. The boarding school idea is not recent as it has been brought up in the past as her idea of the ideal punishment for my son when he doesn’t behave as she wants.  From the beginning I have been very clear that I am totally against the idea of boarding school as a punishment.

However, she actually had the idea of sending my son to boarding school as a method of helping him improve his study habits and grades.  She actually found one that is affordable and even got my son interested in visiting. At 1st his reaction was positive until he realized that going there would mean separation from all his friends here so his opinion soon changed back to no, except if he doesn’t manage to get his grades up.  He actually agrees that it’s a good idea to go if he isn’t able to do this.

This all changed about a week ago when after one of their “confrontations” my wife decided she had finally had enough and started preparations for sending him there as early as May.  I calmly (mostly) disagreed, which resulted in insults, threats of divorce and plans for vengeance.  I basically calmly stated that I was not looking for a divorce, but that she was free to do whatever she wished on the subject.  I think she was totally surprised that I didn’t give in and made the alternative suggestion of waiting till the end of March.  Basically if my son’s grades and attitude don’t improve by then she will then continue with her plans.

 It was this recent conflict that had me searching on Google and the term “conflict between mother and son” eventually lead me to a site with details on BPD and a light came on in my head. Thus, why I am here now.

[UserZer0]

I’d like to start out by saying that I am far from perfect myself.  If I had to be labelled it would probably be something along the lines of “highly introverted” and there would probably be a few other labels that could be added to that, but I definitely can’t dispute “introverted”.  I was a bachelor until I was 30 years old with little history of dating prior to meeting my wife.  Most of my time was spent working or gaming (PC, roleplay, etc.) with little else in between.

In 1997 I moved to Switzerland for what was supposed to be a 2 year project, but turned into a permanent move once I met and married my wife.

Thinking back on it I can say that my wife showed signs of BPD right from the start.  Anytime I disagreed with her it was impossible to discuss the subject right away as she would always get emotional making it impossible to continue the discussion.  Right from the start I developed what I called the “cool down period” for any important discussion.  Basically I would introduce a subject of discussion during the evening and often she would disagree and get emotional.  The next morning, after she had slept on it, we were usually able to discuss things more rationally and come to a decision.

When she disagreed and I couldn’t convince her of a certain decision, I ended up forming a “tri-pod” with her sister, mother or father to talk her around to changing her mind.  If I only had her sisters support it wasn’t always possible to get her to agree, but I can’t actually think of any time it didn’t work if one of her parents was involved.

I think things started getting worse once we had the kids.  It wasn’t actually the children that were the cause, it was more the fact that I started putting off confrontations due to the fact that there was always something in her life that already had her on edge of breakdown and I didn’t want to push her over.  To give the highlights:
-   During the pregnancy of our 2nd child she had to be put in the hospital 2 months prior to the due date as we detected that she was leaking fluid.  The result was that the baby was premature and my wife had a long recovery from being bed ridden for so long.
-   A year after the birth she changed jobs and ended up with a boss who mobbed her into a nervous breakdown.  The end results (after about 3 years) was that she changed jobs

All of this added up to a 5 year period where I was way too enabling and where I never found a good time to really challenge her on anything important.  Luckily during this period there were no real critical life changing decisions that needed to be made.

One result of the mobbing was that she did consult with a psychologist. I forget the details of his analysis, but basically his opinion was that she would have to follow therapy in order to correct whatever he thought he had identified, but of course she disagreed, thought he was totally wrong, and that was the end of that. 
She did actually see another therapist for a while, but it was to follow a type of therapy involving flashing lights and pressure points, to help her overcome traumatic memories from her past.

I didn’t really notice at the time (but should have) that her BPD focus was more and more on my son and his “disrespect” of her authority.  Because of this we had him discussing with a therapist since he was about 6 years old. During the group discussions around my son it often came out that my wife’s treatment of my son would have to be modified, but after these discussions she always dismissed the conclusions and advice of the therapist or would only put them into practice for a week or so before reverting.

After an embarrassing situation where I was caught masturbating to porn by my wife (I did say that I wasn’t perfect) we ended up seeing a sexolog for about 6 months, which didn’t help much as she had the same basic reaction to advice from the therapist.  Anything that disagreed with her way of thinking was stupid and anything that confirmed it was correct.  Since most of the therapist’s advice was “stupid” we didn’t continue for very long.

Recently, as a means of helping my son, she, my son and her / their doctor had a meeting to discuss my son’s attitude.  During this discussion the doctor suggested that I start taking over responsibility for going over my son’s homework with him instead of my wife. Especially since this has been the major source of conflict between them for years.  My wife took this as a sign of defeat, but actually agreed to give it a try. Unfortunately she has been unable to fully let go of the responsibility and so the conflict has continued.

What finally made me connect my wife’s behavior with BPD was a recent dispute where my wife wants to send my son to boarding school in order to make him into the perfect son who will go on to have a perfect life. The boarding school idea is not recent as it has been brought up in the past as her idea of the ideal punishment for my son when he doesn’t behave as she wants.  From the beginning I have been very clear that I am totally against the idea of boarding school as a punishment.

However, she actually had the idea of sending my son to boarding school as a method of helping him improve his study habits and grades.  She actually found one that is affordable and even got my son interested in visiting. At 1st his reaction was positive until he realized that going there would mean separation from all his friends here so his opinion soon changed back to no, except if he doesn’t manage to get his grades up.  He actually agrees that it’s a good idea to go if he isn’t able to do this.

This all changed about a week ago when after one of their “confrontations” my wife decided she had finally had enough and started preparations for sending him there as early as May.  I calmly (mostly) disagreed, which resulted in insults, threats of divorce and plans for vengeance.  I basically calmly stated that I was not looking for a divorce, but that she was free to do whatever she wished on the subject.  I think she was totally surprised that I didn’t give in and made the alternative suggestion of waiting till the end of March.  Basically if my son’s grades and attitude don’t improve by then she will then continue with her plans.

 It was this recent conflict that had me searching on Google and the term “conflict between mother and son” eventually lead me to a site with details on BPD and a light came on in my head. Thus, why I am here now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi UserZer0, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I completely understand how frustrating it is when you try to have a discussion with your pwBPD and you're at fault for everything. We can end up having resentful feelings with your pwBPD and it can be depressing when things don't seem to ever change. There is hope.

Learn was much as you can about BPD, it helps to understand why a pwBPD act the way that they do, it's not personal to us, it's something that a pwBPD are going through. Also, it helps to learn new communication tools, feelings = facts to a pwBPD, it hels to validate your wife's emotions first then follow through with your message. You'll find validation under basic tools on the right side of the board.

I didn’t really notice at the time (but should have) that her BPD focus was more and more on my son and his “disrespect” of her authority.

I can relate with that statement, I said something to the effect that I should have known that it was BPD, my ex is not diagnosed and I'll tell you what my brother in law said to me. Don't be hard on yourself, you're not a doctor.

This all changed about a week ago when after one of their “confrontations” my wife decided she had finally had enough and started preparations for sending him there as early as May.

What are the issues between the two other than sending him to boarding school?

[UserZer0]

Lately their main issues are the following:
- homework and school
- the way she asks (demands) things
- the fact that things must be "right now" (because she's afraid she'll forget otherwise)
- the way she adds things to the list before the 1st action is even complete.
- insults, yelling, etc.

They are both so sensitive lately that even simple conversations risk explosion.

[Mutt]

They are both so sensitive lately that even simple conversations risk explosion.

It takes a pwBPD longer to return to baseline, does your son participate in extra curricular activities, sports what does he like to do? Is there something that he can focus on to help build his esteem, boost his mood etc?

[UserZer0]

He's active with ping pong and swimming.

Unfortunately he's been blocked from that for the past 6 weeks due to a broken leg.

I do my best to try to get him to realise that he shouldn't listen or take to heart the things his mother says when angry and I think it's helped a bit.