Coming Clean About Past Lies

[DaddyBear77]

From my previous posts, you can see that I've used lies and manipulations to cope with my own feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt. The distortions from my pwBPD are one thing - they're real, intense, and very familiar to most of us here. But my reactions and actions are my own.

I've thought a lot about what to do about this - and the obvious, first step is to stop adding MORE lies and manipulations to the table. The tricky thing about old, existing lies is that they tend to need a LOT of "maintenance" - the longer the old lies sit out there, the less energy I'll have to deal with current real life situations.

I have been thinking about just "coming clean" - either during a sit down conversation or via a written letter. I know that sitting down alone will not go well - the anger and rage will prevent most of what I say from getting out. So maybe it's a combination.

Also, and this point is important, this is for ME, NOT my pwBPD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Have you written a letter / spoken to your pwBPD about things you lied about or manipulated them with? Is there another way to clear out the past lies and get some space to make better decisions?

DB

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[Notwendy]

Making amends is a part of the 12 steps. It is an important part. But the statement is be willing to make amends except when doing so will cause harm to self or others.


I am concerned that making amends to someone with BPD could be harmful to you. This isn't that you shouldn't ever do it, but I am not sure it would help you in the long run. I would seek professional advice about this. Confessions are good for people- but one reason we do this with therapists, priests, ministers, rabbis, is because these are safe and compassionate people to do this with, and also keep confidences.

My BPD mother has a memory catalog of the ways all her family members have wronged her. She doesn't forgive or forget. She brings these things up whenever the opportunity serves her, or when she feels she is in victim mode and uses them to prove it. She can recall every time I messed my diaper or threw up as a baby- but not because I was a baby but because I was doing something deliberate to her. A two year old threw up on her carpet, just to ruin it. You get the picture. She can also recount the things my siblings did and father as well " to her".

She also has repeated these stories to my children.

Apologizing helps a relationship in general- when it is between two stable people. However, when disclosing potentially emotionally hurtful information to someone who perceives themselves to be a victim, it is adding evidence to support that perspective.

I don't see much good coming from this kind of disclosure. Maybe your T could help advise you.

[Grey Kitty]

My first instinct is that a long letter coming clean isn't likely to go well.

That said, I would highly recommend you draft it up, with what you want to say... .and post it here for review.

The process of writing it will probably help you work though things you need to work through, even if you never deliver it... .and we can review it to make sure you don't just throw a burning pile of invalidation in her lap.

The tricky thing about old, existing lies is that they tend to need a LOT of "maintenance" - the longer the old lies sit out there, the less energy I'll have to deal with current real life situations.

I think you can sort those out when they happen. You will hit a specific time and place when you need to make a "maintenance payment" on one of them, and you will decide that it is time to come clean on that one instead of maintaining it.

Chances are the cost of coming clean will be a fight that you will have to end by enforcing a boundary. And at the time, it will seem a better price to pay than trying to maintain the prior deceit that was supposed to keep the peace.

So deal with them as they seem right when they come up... .I normally advise against looking for that fight; trust that it will find you soon enough.