BPD wife cheated

[Tmutchlove]

My BPD wife cheated on me 2 months ago, the man is 1500 miles away and she already flew up to see him mid January after cheating on new years as well with him. She tells me she wants to work things out and says she no longer speaks to the guy . While in the car with her this week , he calls and she tells me she wants to continue speaking to him as he is older and like a father figure. We have been married 1 year and been together 4.5 years. We have a beautiful 3 year old baby girl, that I'm pretty much the main caregiver and I'm afraid to leave her. My wife refuses to divorce me and I will need to divorce her and leave her. My problem is it's been up and down , one day she's nice and one day she's just mean . I thought this was a cycle, but it started in November when she relapsed and it's been crazy ever since.

For instance today she triggered and told me to move and wanted a divorce and blocks my phone all day, but she just called to tell me she just woke up and tell me how bad her day went, but she's done and wants me gone . Why call me and tell me this? Just to hurt me again?

Any thoughts?

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[gotbushels]

Hi Tmutchlove 

Welcome.

Those are some confusing messages from this person.

Being cheated on can be a very painful thing. Are you alright? I've had this sort of thing from my relationship, and I also got what I think is generally a "he's harmless so let me stay in touch with him" type of description from my partner. That happened a few times. What helped me was to validate my own feelings around the issue and think more about what was important to me regarding fidelity.

The up and down you describe is familiar to me, and I don't doubt it's the same for many others here. I moved to predicting cycles so I could plan my weeks better--that's similar to your thoughts on her "cycle" in November.

I suggest you have a look at the surviving confrontation part of this board:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287068.msg12704923#msg12704923

Pick the one that you feel speaks to you. I personally like the Wise Mind one. That involves the idea of triggering as well.

I hope you find peace.