Wondering how the recycle works.

[Shedd]

So she recently text me. 

She doesn't fully trust me yet because of how things ended and what not so I am still painted black. 

I am wondering why she decided to text me all of a sudden.  Is it because she left the job we both work at and wants to be able to keep in contact, or is it because she has a new gf and is keeping me as an option in case this one goes bad?

We haven't talked much.  I'm trying not to smother her and text her all the time even though I want to know everything.  How her new job is, if she is in a new relationship, etc.  but I am trying to be cool about it all.  Even tho it hurts she might be in a new relationship I feel bad for the girl she's stringing along. 
I just have a strong feeling she's dating someone.  I just want to know so I can get over it faster.  Anyway, is she keeping me in her loop because she is dating someone now? How does the recycle process work?  How has it worked for other people?


I want to know so i can predict her intentions faster so i can protect myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Sounds like she feels she pushed you far enough away and now wants to be sure to pull you back into where she feels comfortable.  It's called the push-pull dynamic.

Yes, she is probably nervous about the new GF, and is keeping you on standby just in case the new GF rejects her/abandons her.  Do you intend to remain a potential romantic partner?  Or are you just trying to stay friends?

[Shedd]

Yes, she is probably nervous about the new GF, and is keeping you on standby just in case the new GF rejects her/abandons her.  Do you intend to remain a potential romantic partner?  Or are you just trying to stay friends?

In the back of my mind I want her back, but I honestly don't think I could handle being with her right now. I want to explore other relationships so I know what a healthy relationship really is.   I want to be friends with her, but I don't want her to be able to pull me back so easily.

[isilme]

Then you may need to be quietly unavailable, to allow yourself control over how much impact she has on you.  It's not fair to you to move on to someone new, and then try to pull you back in, "just in case".  You deserve to know where you stand, and if you don't want to be a back up support person, you don't have to be. 

[Shedd]

Then you may need to be quietly unavailable, to allow yourself control over how much impact she has on you.  It's not fair to you to move on to someone new, and then try to pull you back in, "just in case".  You deserve to know where you stand, and if you don't want to be a back up support person, you don't have to be. 

Yeah, I definitely think she is dating someone.  I'm going to play a lot harder to get this time because she needs to learn how to treat me right if she really wants me back and I'm not sure she can do that.

[Skip]

This is all a bit confusing:

- you want to be her friend
- not sure you can do it

- you want her back
- not sure you can handle it

- you playing hard to get
- you want her to respect you thing time

- you think she has a girlfriend

These are very different things that you approach differently... .

I the really answer to this stew is that you want another shot at it, have you learned what you need to know to make another round successful?

[Shedd]

I the really answer to this stew is that you want another shot at it, have you learned what you need to know to make another round successful?

Sorry about the confusion.  I guess I ama bit confused myself with my feelings about it all.


I would like another shot at it.  I feel like I am in a good place to be a lot better partner for her, and I've changed a lot.  I guess i am frustrated because she makes it sound like I won't ever get that chance again.  We just don't have chemistry apparently.   She won't tell me the exact reason she fell out of love with me, but I'm pretty sure I know the reasons. 

I don't know if I should get back together with her givien the chance because I need to know what a healthy relationship is like and I fear she would just be the same person even if I make all the right moves with a new start.   

I feel like I got way to close to her last time.  She opened up to me about a lot of stuff and I just think that pushed her away.  I took all her pain with me when we went NC for 9 months.

I just wonder if she's recycling me right now.  Part of me wants her to be recycling me.  It gives me a little confidence, but then the way she says we weren't meant to be puts a lid on the whole deal, and that's hurtful and she doesn't want to lead me on.  It's also confusing auto me because I have gotten so many signs that were meant to be together, but I'm trying to ignore that.  Love isn't like the movies.  I tend to love really hard and I think it just turns women off.


She told me she should have ended the relationship sooner and that we have no chemistry.  Which I think is B.S.  but I guess I have to believe that.  She was always distant because of her BPD and didn't ever try to work with me in the relationship because it was all about her.  It was exhausting.  Another reason why I don't think it's good for me to go back.  She never gave me the things I wanted or needed in the relationship.   

[Grey Kitty]

She told me she should have ended the relationship sooner and that we have no chemistry.  Which I think is B.S.  but I guess I have to believe that.

I'd suggest you believe she meant it at the time she said it.

She probably didn't feel/think that way at other times when you were together.

She may not at other times in the future.

But she does now.

And this is the nature of BPD. What she feels right now becomes what she always felt before, and what she always will feel. Until she feels differently, and then adjusts the entire past and future to match the new feeling.

She was always distant because of her BPD and didn't ever try to work with me in the relationship because it was all about her.  It was exhausting.  Another reason why I don't think it's good for me to go back.  She never gave me the things I wanted or needed in the relationship.

That part is a lot more likely to be "forever" than things she says will be "forever"--I wouldn't expect her to be any easier on you if there is another shot at it.

[Shedd]

I'd suggest you believe she meant it at the time she said it.

She probably didn't feel/think that way at other times when you were together.

She may not at other times in the future.

But she does now.

And this is the nature of BPD. What she feels right now becomes what she always felt before, and what she always will feel. Until she feels differently, and then adjusts the entire past and future to match the new feeling.

That part is a lot more likely to be "forever" than things she says will be "forever"--I wouldn't expect her to be any easier on you if there is another shot at it.

Thanks for that it's a good insight. I don't think she would be any easier on me either no matter how much I've changed. I realize I just need to get over her. It's happening.