I'm confused... but then it seems like most of us on here are

[Blackberry78]

My last post, I was trying to deal with the fact that my SO had a complete meltdown. it's been a couple months since we had any type of argument which is great. The not-so-great part is that this last HUGE one, he just kind of glossed over and acted like it never happened. The biggest issue of it was him saying he would not live with me until I got MY issues in check. So, I started therapy and joined this page. I am guilty of several things and have made great strides in how I handle his dysregulation. That being said, He literally told me that if he says something like that in the heat of an argument, that it's safe to assume that he doesn't mean it and that the plans have not changed. That we are still going to live together (in a few short weeks) and that it would take "a lot" for that not to happen. Am I right in feeling unsure about moving in with him at this point since he seems to change his mind often? Yesterday he had his first mini-dysregulation in a while. Funny how everything is going along swimmingly and then all of a sudden we have "many " issues that he's tired of. Because he was having a bad day. I validated his feelings, told him my view, then told him I hoped his day would get better and that I loved him. His response was "well now that this has happened, my day has gone to crap. It's whatever. I'll talk to you tomorrow".
Is he REALLY that angry with ME, or is it just projection? I have faith I can be strong enough to deal with this, however it does get exhausting and confusing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allienoah]

A couple of months without a meltdown is awesome. I too am/was considering moving in with my pwBPD and I am scared to death to do it. I just don't want the eruptions, and controlling behavior. Do you feel like your every move will be under a microscope? It is good that you have learned to deal with the dysregulation. I am working on that as well. What do you think was your best strategy? Projection is what I usually attribute the meltdowns to, but it is very difficult to deal with the verbal onslaught that happens.

[Blackberry78]

Learning how to validate has definitely been the best strategy. It's not easy and takes a lot of practice. Especially to throw out the word "but". It has made a huge difference in the length, intensity and frequency of his episodes. So much so that I almost forget he has BPD. But then, an ugly reminder and I come back to this page to take care of ME.
It's so hard because I know he loves me. It's just that if a pwBPD thinks with their emotions, when he's mad at me, does he then truly believe he hates me? He has never used those words but I think about the possibility and it's heartbreaking.

[allienoah]

Learning how to validate is something I am working on now. You're right, it definitely takes practice, and I notice I slip when he really throws bad verbal bombs at me. I know my bf truly loves me too, yet you're also correct that when he's angry he actually believes he hates me, I'm bad, and on and on. It is important to remember that even when you think they hate you, they don't. When they finally regulate, they go back to loving and "being good". That to me is the problem, as that is when I get sucked in again. But I hate being in this bondage of trying to find the right time to tell him things that will upset him-like going to dinner with my own daughter! He knows she doesn't like him, therefore anything I do with her is a "betrayal" of him. How do I validate THAT? I mean, this is my 24 year old daughter! I shouldn't have to explain why I want to see my offspring!

[Meili]

Sometimes, it is easier to start with learning how to not invalidate while learning to validate. Many do not even realize that their body language or that certain phrases can be extremely invalidating. We say things like:

"I didn't mean it that way!"

"... .but that's not... ."

"This is what happened"

We also invalidate when we roll our eyes, sigh loudly, and present closed body language.

The lesson on Stop Invalidating Others goes into these things in greater detail.

Can you see other things that you might be doing that might be invalidating?

[allienoah]

I know I constantly fall into the Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain abyss. I definitely need to do a great deal more work to stop that. My bf is always asking for why I did or said certain things, and I need to just shut up and not respond. One tool I have started using is asking "Why does that concern you"? This does help as it turns the conversation from me. Believe me it is hard to stick to but I am learning. It is so very hard when he questions the intentions I have of the most innocent basic life activities, like seeing my kids. I don't like being questioned every time.