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isilme
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2017, 04:00:37 PM » |
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I would say overall, yes, but it has taken years. I tried using some of the tools that were the least hard for me to implement. Before I learned about BPD, I'd read up a lot on Passive Aggression, and saw how a lot of the behaviors fit H, and so I started using some of the tools that were recommended to combat that - as a co-dependent from an abusive childhood home, my natural instincts were just fuel for the BPD fire.
Active listening. I learned that if I made a huge effort to SHOW I was listening to H, he responded better. Repeating what he says, remembering it later, adding to the conversation when he was done, all seemed to actually be validating him before I even know what validation was, or how important it was.
Stop trying to fix everything. This is part of my co-dependency, needing to fix things. Sadly, jumping in to fix things invalidates H. It's like I'm telling him he's weak, useless, and that his problem is not that big a deal, look, I fixed it. So, I try to evaluate if I need to stress about getting something done, if it can "fail" if H flakes on it, or if I can let him struggle through it to feel good he did something. I "let" him "fail" school by dropping out and deciding to not nag. I learned nagging was the best way to make sure he never wanted to do what I wanted. Eventually, he got tired of feeling like a bum, a drop out, and paying loans for a degree he was just hours shy of getting, and he busted his butt to finish. And he got to own that pride from doing so.
Stop trying to make him happy at all times. He's allowed to be upset but I don't have to be. HARD. I was trained that I mUST "fix" everything around me so my parents could be "happy". That I must share their emotions and my own did not matter. Now, instead of invalidating H when he is upset, especially when it's something I agree with and he's not just venting onto me, I go back to the active listening, but inside tell myself, "It's ok. He can be mad. He has a right to his own emotions. I do not have to be mad, have a bad, day, or worry about this unless I choose to." It's hard to pull back from wanting to just stop him from being upset by telling him something is not bad, it's not like he thinks, it's not how I see it. But most of the time, doing all of that would just trigger him, invalidate him, nad not get him to see things my way. So when I can, I kinda back off, let him have his cranky time, and as long as he is not being abusive, either try to listen, or find a reason to go do something else. I go do yard work. I run errands. Summer coming helps a lot with reasons to get out of the room/house. This also counts for me as "taking a break".
As I worked on me, on my reactions, and learned to step back and stop feeding the fire on accident, H improved. He stopped seeing me at all times as his frenemy to fight as needed. BPD is and will always be there. He will still have rages and days when he is totally emotional. But the number of days at a time and the magnitude of the rages are less and less.
Oddly, H this weekend apologized for some of our recent issues. He admitted he's felt off chemically (I think a lot of his BPD comes from nutriotion imbalances and sugar level sensitivities.), been depressed, and while he reacted black and white the other day about finances, he understands. This was a surprise. A big one. He may apologize for lsoing his temper within 12-24 hours, but not like that. It was different.
Also, another thing - he's so bad about telling me if he needs/wants help with a task or not. Usually he hems and haws and leaves me to decide, and then gets mad if I don't do what he wanted but refused to tell me. This weekend, I told him I planned to do some yard work while he did whatever he planned in the house. He was going to finally clean out some old (ancient) clothes. I figured from his look he wanted me to help, so I flat out told him, "I need you to tell me straight out that you want me to stay and help, or I am going outside. If you want me to help I am totally willing, but you have to say it." So he did. After a while he admitted I could not do much more than agree if something as too big (he's lost a lot of weight) he stated that he needed me in there to be able to do it (his mom's a hoarder, getting rid of stuff is hard on him). He then told me he feels that if I was not around he'd not function as an adult. (I hate to agree, but know he could function, it would just be hard for him).
So, from a time when he tried to kick me out each arguement, refused to do things just to spite me or hurt me, to this, it's progress. It's taken years and years, of both of us working, and not always both of us working on it at the same time, but as one improves, we drag the other along until the other catches up.
I hope that makes sense.
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