One mood at night, another in the day

[JoeBPD81]

Nothing is constant, but there is a pattern that repeats itself a lot.

My GF, she relaxes a bit right before going to bed, the kids have been asleep for 1-2 hours, and even if she is active, her mood is better than the rest of the day. She usually takes a pill prescribed for her insomnia. Sometimes she says affectionate things, or hugs me and thanks me for being by her side, and that is wonderful.

Next morning she makes sure to tell me that wasn't her, and that she feels awful for having lost control, and being a person that she isn't and doing things that she really didn't want to do. And that crushes my heart.

I'm just talking about some nice words, maybe a "kiss" sent in a text message (we sleep in separate rooms). Although it had happened with sex too, and that's worse. But as we go months without sex, it's another issue on itself.

During the day, her anxiety levels are through the roof, and her responses are wild. I feel when she can relax, she is more in contact with her true self, with her "real" emotions (I know all of them are real). Am I fooling myself? When I met her, she was 95% of the time the way she is at night, now it is the opposite. But we are struggling economically and to try to make the kids happy, and she's fighting anorexia with no intention to recover. There is a lot in her plate. Am I stupid to have hope that when things go better, she will be better too?

I spend weeks hungry for some validation of MY feelings, and when I get that, she rushes to tell me it wasn't true. I've tried to tell her that hurts and it's unnecesary, while telling her I get that she feels like that. And then she tells me she has to leave me because she is poisonous, and hurting me is the only thing she does... .And that it is needed, because she HAS TO say anything she feels or thinks (no matter how hurtful, or scary) because she is not a deceptive person. She says my "filter" (thinking before talking) is not being sincere. So she says these things, that she doesn't feel what she told me yesterday, and I don't get mad, and I try to go on, but I'm sad and I feel as if I couldn't breathe properly for some time, fearing what she would say next, or that she wouldn't talk to me in hours.

Yesterday, this happen in the morning, and by night I felt proud how I had managed, and ended up with nice conversation and then a hug and her telling me she loved me very much. And then this morning, again, that wasn't her, she is mad, and want to die and stop living this hell of a life.

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[heartandwhole]

Hi JoeBPD81,

That is really tough. I would definitely feel sad if my SO kept "undoing" the nice things he said before. It seems a huge lesson in the lability of emotions that characterizes BPD. As you said, there is a pattern here—a pattern of instability of feeling—that has occurred enough times that it has become predictable.

I don't think it's unreasonable to think that stressful situations exacerbate your girlfriend's negative feelings. And since she has a lot going right now, it makes sense that she would be more easily triggered. That was my experience, too.

What have you found helps in this situation, JoeBPD81?

It sounds like you understand that these about-faces are stemming from her own internal turmoil, and that she feels shame afterwards. That doesn't make it any easier to listen to, I know. 

heartandwhole

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot for your feedback.

I'm like, "oh I dodged that blow... .will I be ready for the next one?... .Oh that one got me... .the next one will knock me out" Rinse and repeat. Some days I think what I had learned helps,some other days I feel completely lost.

It's been an awful day today. I left at 7am and came back at 9pm. I'm waiting for implants and I have to wear fake teeth for some weeks. Today I forgot them at home and I had to work toothless, facing the public. I kind of threw the towel on keeping my dignity with the whole dental process,but today, it was completely. First thing, my boss called me to his office to scream at me. I'm a computer geek surrounded by middle aged people, so I do things 10 times faster, and then they see I've finished, and I have too much free time, so they complain to the boss, and the boss lectures me because he's too dumb to check our results (I keep track everyday,and I do 120-150% of the average worker, and most of them make more money than me. It's government work). I worked my a** off, not bothering to check my mail or look at the phone once, just staring at the wall when I had no work to do. I got really stressed and tired. When it was over, my GF texted she was mad at me. No explanation.

My plan was to eat something nice, and study before a dentist appointment, but I felt like driving into a wall. I wandered without hunger, and I got late to the dentist wasting all day not sure how. I'm usually the kind of guy that thinks "on time" means 15 minutes earlier.

Turns out she's mad because she thinks I've been doing something that I don't tell her, she thinks I skipped work today! That sort of thing pops into her head, and she can't help it. I offer her proof that none of that is true, but what she wants is to stop thinking. At least she said she was sorry she doesn't trust me.

The rage phase has gone more or less for the weekend, and she didn't go into full suicidal mode (her words) this time. She really fears making the kids and me pay for her issues. Today's been sh***y for her too. MANY times she is super-mad at me, and when the dust settles, turns out something has happened that had nothing to do with me. After telling me the real reason, it doesn't automatically make her not mad at me, but at least lets me function and work my way back.

Today I would loved to come home and just have shoulder to cry on. Instead I had to put my feelings in quarantine, as someone here called it. Smile to the kids, and be careful with my GF. Tomorrow's another day.

[Jessica84]

I'm so sorry you had a bad day, Joe.    Lots of shoulders to cry on here!

I've noticed when I have a bad day, he has to one-up me.
Oh you think YOUR day was bad... .wait til you hear about MINE!
And then we're expected to listen and be supportive. Very annoying.

Hang in there. It's true - tomorrow is another day. 

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot. I know you're having a bad week.

I usually hold it and hold it... .And then I cry like a baby when she shows me some kindness.

[zelon01]

Hello. New to the board, and also new to a BPD partner (about 2 months in). We've known each other for years, but only recently explored a serious relationship. Its been very up and down. Since she explained her diagnosis to me I've been putting in a lot of time researching and reading (I hate you... .Don't leave me, Stop Walking on Eggshells).I love this girl, and I want to make it work.

I'm with you, man. My GF is very similar in her pattern. I found it somewhat helpful to discuss the pattern with her. But some days it just doesn't matter how you try to relate and understand. Some days you're just going to be the problem. I can totally sympathize with the idea of "putting your emotions in quarantine".  I'm having to do that at this very moment. A little space can be helpful, too, so long as I reassure her that I am not going anywhere. We don't live together, so that might be easier said than done in your situation.