Infidelity opens a huge wound

[UnforgivenII]

It is hard to face this. Cheating is such a wound. But I was thinking... .
I did not lose a relationship. There was never a relationship in the common sense of the word, it was one sided.
He is not cheating as he was never with me in first place. He was with himself. It was, it is and it will be always about him.
I don't know who he is. He lied a lot. So, in a sense, he is NOT. I did not lose a relationship as a relationship was never there: I did not lose a person because there was noone there, just a reflection of myself and someone who was looking for an identity.

And even if he was someone, his actions show me someone I do not want to be with. A cruel, heartless, cold and callous man who does not care about me in any sense.

When he left me I got severe PTSD and was on the verge of suicide. I told him, do not do this again, you know what will happen to me. If you will, I will know you do not care at all.

And, for sure, it was the truth. He did not care. At all.

[marti644]

I think this is a very healthy way to look at this 'relationship' UnforgivenII. I feel very much the same. The first five months of my 8 month relationship with my last disordered person were amazing, but then the devaluation stage set in, we all know how that goes.

So much of it wasn't real and much of the "real" parts of the relationship were invalidated in the end when we find out all the real truths and start following our intuitions. Best to chalk it up as a learning experience (easier said then done and probably one of the greatest challenges of our lives of course). We are free now to pursue the real! There is freedom in that once we can detach.

And I think the truth is not that "he did not care". It is sadly more that he "can't care", because of his disorder.

Hang in there and keep building you!

[Pretty Woman]

  I was suicidal too. When I look back on that very dark time I think what a waste. I have so much to offer this world. I am a productive member of society with goals, hopes and dreams. I work hard and play hard. I have wonderful friends and family and here I was going to end it all for a person without an identity, someone who is floating through life with no real purpose. I remember laying in bed staring at the engagement ring I had bought. To this day I am so glad I never gave it to her!

I know you said your ex really didn't exist and in the way you described it, true. However you were cheated on and infidelity is infidelity. You are entitled to have feelings about this. You are entitled to hurt. It's a betrayal of trust.

Listen, many BPD's hold jobs and some are even quite successful. They know right from wrong. They KNOW cheating is wrong. They know stealing is wrong and they will get arrested. They are able to behave properly and hold jobs and go out in public without getting arrested.

If they are not getting help they are dangerous. It's like an untrained puppy. Would you leave a puppy alone for eight hours in your house with things it can chew, poop on and get into? No. But I would leave a puppy who knows to go outside and gets along with the kitties while I am gone alone because I TRUST her.

Without TRUST there's nothing. BPD or Not.

 

[AustenJ]

I now know cheating is a coping mechanism for pwBPD, but it still doesn't make it right. My ex almost felt "entitled" to cheat... .in her mind it really wasn't cheating if they were just friends and this was just a way for her to cope. She had triangulated all of her relationship over the past 5 years with one ex... .he was her BFF, the guy she would ultimately marry and have children with... .so why didn't I understand when she spent a work night with this guy? Because if our relationship, she would only sleep on the couch... .really? Or when she went to visit this same ex over holiday for 10 days to do an intervention with his alcoholic father... .they slept in separate bedrooms, but of course she had no problem with "vacation sex"... .

She felt entitled to have sex... .while I sat at home waiting for her