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Author Topic: Former Employee and Friend of Someone with BPD  (Read 382 times)
FrankReade
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
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« on: March 21, 2017, 11:24:26 AM »

I have a friend who I am fairly certain has BPD but has not been formally diagnosed. Reading the list of traits/indicators feels like it was written directly about him. I initially worked for him, but no longer do. He had a relationship fall apart over his behavior and is in therapy to "get help overcoming the sense of loss" and is taking medication to address what he believes are anxiety problems. He shares intimate details of his therapy with me including recordings of his sessions (I have asked him not to)

He is definitely on the high functioning end and works fairly effectively (at least outwardly) as a business executive though his employees do not generally like working for him. He recognizes there are things wrong with him and his obsessions with the past, blaming, splitting, etc. He has expressed thoughts of killing himself but only as a fantasy of an escape from how he feels. He is very introspective and wants desperately to have a normal life and be free of his BPD symptoms.

I feel like I am an anomaly here as there is no category for "have a friend with BPD" as I think most people would not tolerate his behavior as a friend. He constantly asks me fore advice and tells me how badly he wants to overcome his "issues". Many of my friends and family members are critical of me interacting with him. But I don't want to abandon him.

My question is should I tell him I think he has BPD? I think he would want to know, but don't think it is really my place to tell him and think he may react badly. It's just hard because he is asking for my help and would say he wants to know, but his therapists (who on their profiles list BPD as an experience area) have not told him. It just seems to me that for a high functioning BPD sufferer it would be better for them to know than not. His therapists are working with him on mindfulness but he doesn't know why. You wouldn't treat someone with cancer with chemo but not tell them your diagnosis. I just don't get why they don't tell him and it is hard for me to resist telling him.
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 04:08:45 PM »


Welcome FrankReade:  
It's good that your friend is in therapy and has a desire to get better and work on things.  

Quote from: FrankReade
My question is should I tell him I think he has BPD? I think he would want to know, but don't think it is really my place to tell him and think he may react badly. It's just hard because he is asking for my help and would say he wants to know, but his therapists (who on their profiles list BPD as an experience area) have not told him.

Several of the traits for BPD are found in normal people in varying degrees (and in various situations).  It's only when there is a grouping of a high number of them, that a personality disorder is diagnosed.  The best approach is to not get hung up on the diagnosis.  What matters is that the therapist tries to help with the management of the traits/symptoms.

You don't want to be the person to try and diagnose him.  Sometimes, therapists avoid labels, as they can have a negative effect.  The best way to approach things with him is to deal with specific behaviors and leading him towards coping skills.  Mindfulness is a coping skill and can be a tool for anyone, but it is especially helpful for someone with BPD of an anxiety disorder.  

The therapist is likely trying to coach him to learn some skills to self-soothe.  Various forms of meditation, mindfulness and breathing techniques are some of the coping tools that can help people who have BPD, anxiety disorders and other mental disorders/illnesses.

One type of therapy that promotes mindfulness is ACT Therapy.  My therapist practices ACT Therapy and recommended the book, The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I found that I could access some online material to assist with participating in some exercises suggested in The Happiness Trap book.

EXERCISES - FROM BOOK" THE HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

You don't want to take on the task to fix him, only he can do that.  Perhaps, you might suggest to your friend that he inquire about the therapy style his therapist uses.  Perhaps he could ask his therapist to recommend a helpful book for him.  Since he seems to be seeking your support, perhaps you could support him and help coach him in learning some coping skills. (with the overall guidance of his therapist). So, if the therapist recommends a book, with some exercises to work on, you could help you friend with his homework (reinforce or support it in some way)

What is typical is that people with BPD or BPD traits, is that they tend to unload their emotions with people they feel most comfortable with.  When there is a romantic relationship, the partner tends to be the one who is the recipient of the worst behavior.  Hence, his bad breakup

Are there some behavioral issues that your friend exhibits with you?

It would be beneficial for you to set some BOUNDARIES with him.  Boundaries are for your protection and are up to you to consistently enforce them.    

The skill of validation/not invalidating can be a helpful tool for you to use with your friend. Don't invalidate his feelings (by word, body language or expression).  The lessons at the links below can be helpful.
VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE
INVALIDATION EXAMPLES
VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION

If you are able to share some details, we can suggest some more communication skills.

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FrankReade
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2017, 01:59:46 AM »

First of all Thank You NN for the detailed response. I really appreciate it.

His Behavioral Issues I Have Experienced
1. Huge Self Confidence/Emotional Swings: At times he is super confident and comfortable with himself. Then it can flip to complete self doubt and no confidence. At these times he will reach out to others for reassurance/validation and to ask them to make decisions he is not confident in making. At times he would get an email from a peer which he perceived as rude or otherwise offensive. Things other people would brush off, he will obsess about and how to respond. Seriously impacts his ability to build relationships at work.

2. Fear of Abandonment: I lived in a different city and would travel to his location Mondays and Thursdays. He would schedule meetings intentionally on Fridays and ask me to change my flight. He would sometimes fly into a rage if I was flying out at 8pm on a Thursday because I couldn't have dinner with him and ask me to change my flight to later that night or the next day.

3. Intense focus on blaming and reviewing the past: For any issue no matter how small or large he becomes obsessed with assigning blame. It is never his fault. Conversations always seem to gravitate to the past. Instead of focusing on how to get out of a situation he wants to dissect in detail how he got there. In both of these pursuits he insists it is worthwhile to determine blame and review the past to "learn from it", but the result is rarely productive. I have pointed this out and he has agreed but continues to do so

4. Anger: He can fly into a rage over the smallest things. A few times he has thrown things. Many times he has been very verbally abusive. Says very hurtful things. Things I couldn't imagine saying to anyone and they just flow from him. He is usually apologetic afterwards and hates himself for having an outburst.

5. Paranoia: He is constantly afraid he will lose his job. He thinks all of his peers are sabotaging him. He thinks his employees are not loyal. He will tell me how much he values and depends on "Adam". Then will ask me to speak to "Adam" and find out what he thinks about something he has done. If I tell him "Adam" said something even slightly negative he will say "he is a &$^* and I don't want him on my team"

6. Splitting: He will often run through a list of people with me and want to bucket them as good or bad and ask me if i agree. If I try to come up with a justification of why someone might have logically done something that impacted him negatively he will get upset and claim I am on their side. While I am usually on the "good list" and will often call me a "saint" I can quickly become bad if I don't answer his calls/texts, disagree with him, give him bad news, etc.

7. Failed Relationships: He has never been in a relationship which lasted more than 3 years (he is 45 now). He agonizes over this and doesn't understand why. He has concluded that he kills love and/or is not worthy of being loved.

8. Loneliness/Emptiness: He will often share how lonely he feels and how he doesn't have anything in his life. And how he wouldn't wish these feelings on the worst criminal. He wants desperately to have strong relationships, but he is always disappointed by people

Why I want to tell him he has BPD
1. He recognizes all of the behaviors I have listed above as existing, negative and impacting his happiness
2. He believes he is in therapy for the emotional pain of his lost relationship
3. He thinks therapy is a waste of money because he doesn't think mindfulness will do anything for him. He doesn't get it.
4. He often asks me what I think his issues are and what he should do about them
5. He wants to change but has no idea of the causality of his issues

I agree I should not try to fix him. But he wants me to and it feels wrong not to tell him what I think so that he can realize he is not alone and that he does need therapy and needs to take it seriously. I just cannot understand how knowing the cause of one's symptoms is not helpful in addressing them.

I have read that it can be counter-productive and that the person can accuse you of having BPD, but I would be ok with that risk. I am not "stuck"* in this relationship in the way a partner or family member would be. And he has asked me what I think his issues are so many times. Dancing around the indicators and hoping he will google them is not getting me anywhere.

*To be clear my comment above about not being "stuck" is not meant to be insensitive to people who have stronger relationships with someone with BPD. You have my whole-hearted empathy. I AM struggling to deal with someone with BPD who I do NOT love. I recognize how lucky I am that he is not my spouse, sibling, or child.

Turning Down a Job Offer
He wants me to work for him again but I think it is a terrible idea as I have a very hard time balancing his demands for emotional support with his equally demanding work requests. I don't know how to get him to understand how difficult this is for me and how much I dislike it.

He will pay me well but it will mean he "owns" my time and he will expect me to answer every call no matter what time of day or what I am doing. Inevitably I will spend hours of time providing "therapy" only to have him fly into a rage over the fact that I have not produced the "work" that I should have have been able to do in the time provided if I was not constantly distracted by him.
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Naughty Nibbler
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Posts: 1727



« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2017, 10:53:53 PM »

Hi again FrankReade: 

You indicated that your friend tried to share the tapes from his therapy sessions with you, along with talking about the specifics.  Before you asked him to stop, did you gain enough information to determine how many of the 8 behavioral issues he might have shared with his therapist?   I'm thinking #7 & #8 and perhaps #4 were shared, but probably not most of the others. 

You present some strong documentation, and I can see why you think he fits the criteria for BPD.

One common thing when people with BPD (pwBPD) go to therapy, is that they don't generally share all the issues with the therapist.  Sometimes, they can't admit to certain behaviors. If the therapist doesn't have all the details, he/she might not think your friend has BPD

Quote from: FrankReade
I agree I should not try to fix him. But he wants me to and it feels wrong not to tell him what I think so that he can realize he is not alone and that he does need therapy and needs to take it seriously. I just cannot understand how knowing the cause of one's symptoms is not helpful in addressing them.

If you think it is necessary to tell him, then perhaps that is the thing to do. The decision has to be yours. Telling a romantic partner or a family member, who isn't in therapy, would be more emotionally charged than your situation.  If you tell him, be prepared for a possible angry reaction.

The information in the thread at the link below, might be helpful. In Post #13, there are links to a couple of videos that you might want to watch/listen to.  The discussion in the videos will talk about other mental illnesses, but the logic would be similar for those with BPD

TELLING SOMEONE THEY HAVE BPD

How do you think you would approach telling him?

Quote from: FrankReade
Turning Down a Job Offer
He wants me to work for him again but I think it is a terrible idea. . . He will pay me well but it will mean he "owns" my time and he will expect me to answer every call no matter what time of day or what I am doing. Inevitably I will spend hours of time providing "therapy" only to have him fly into a rage over the fact that I have not produced the "work" that I should have have been able to do in the time provided if I was not constantly distracted by him.

I agree with your logic.  Working for him will give you a lot of emotional distress and would likely be a point of conflict with your family.  The only way you could do it would be to set firm boundaries and consistently defend them.  You would pretty much have to nail down some rules:  i.e. no emotional caretaking during working hours, restrictions on availability, restrictions on work hours, etc.  You would have to go into it and expect the worst.  It can be best to listen to your intuition and logic.  If you think it could go really bad, it is likely will with a person with BPD (pwBPD)

The Workshop Threads, at the links below, may be more focused on romantic relationships, but the basic info. should apply to other relationships with a BPD.  They might be worth a read. (don't miss the 8 pages on the 2nd one)

EMOTIONAL CAREGIVER

EMESHMENT AND CODEPENDENCE


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