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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: NC again - hopefully for good  (Read 359 times)
underdog

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« on: March 22, 2017, 12:01:22 AM »



Hi everyone,

Recently, I posted about going NC but decided to reach out about 2 weeks into it. This is the first time I broke NC and I was decided to really leave. The reason for NC was that I was feeling guilty - and to be honest, her not reaching out added to that guilt.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, she was terrible. Really nasty, emasculating, distorted and everything else. It was the worse time of my life and our relationship. Please indulge me but I need you guys to help me process as this NC is much more painful and harder than the first one. You see, when she came back, she flipped a switch in me that got me all vulnerable and obsessing. She suddenly changed (so quickly I may add), and I was caught by surprise had a hard time accepting it. I lost all power and control over the situation and myself - something that had kept things stable before.

What happened? Why did I come from someone who was so glad to have gone NC to someone who now doubts himself about the NC and is now arguably so much more pain doing NC? I feel like I'm going crazy. My psyche and emotions have been short circuited by her ways.

Lastly, when I sent her an email to close things off, she has responded with apologies and a line that says she has a lot of things she wants to say to me. Her response to my email was the complete opposite of the vile and offensive person she came to be. Was that statement another bait for me to respond? Why am I having such a hard time with the NC now? I really feel like going crazy.
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Rayban
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2017, 11:55:22 AM »

Her oh so sweet answer to your email is just to keep you around for more pain and misery.  Why is NC so difficult? Because it's a relationship with a BPD is like a drug. The highs and lows brought excitement to your life. Now you've stopped the drug and are experiencing withdrawal.

You're probably trying to convince yourself, that maybe she wasn't that bad. Maybe IF YOU CHANGE your behavior and adapt it to suit her, you could make it work.  Find a way to convince yourself that this is BS.

I would suggest seeing a therapist. Might help you see things clearer.  In the mean time get a pen paper and write down tha advantages and disadvantages of your relationship with this person and what led you to going NC in the first place.  Hang in there be brave.


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roberto516
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2017, 12:00:22 PM »



 My psyche and emotions have been short circuited by her ways.


As the previous poster said it really is a drug, and this is withdrawal. Your neural circuits have indeed changed so your brain isn't sure what to do with itself. It's happened with all of us. Honestly, with withdrawal from substances they say that they neural connections won't start really changing until after about 90 days (but that means doing things different, hobbies, etc to really work the neural connections to change). The two week NC and then relapse is probably associated with something called post acute withdrawal. It's most dealing with substance dependence but the properties in the brain are exactly the same.

Here's a link with more info. https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

And I do feel your pain. All too well. But hang in there and keep reaching out to people here. It will speed up the recovery.

PS. These are just my two cents. Doesn't mean it's necessarily all true. But the similarities are too similar for me not to ignore and to gain insight on for when I have a mood dip after seemingly doing so well.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
Rayban
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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 04:10:48 PM »

Her oh so sweet answer to your email is just to keep you around for more pain and misery.  Why is NC so difficult? Because it's a relationship with a BPD is like a drug. The highs and lows brought excitement to your life. Now you've stopped the drug and are experiencing withdrawal.

You're probably trying to convince yourself, that maybe she wasn't that bad. Maybe IF YOU CHANGE your behavior and adapt it to suit her, you could make it work.  Find a way to convince yourself that this is BS.

I would suggest seeing a therapist. Might help you see things clearer.  In the mean time get a pen paper and write down tha advantages and disadvantages of your relationship with this person and what led you to going NC in the first place.  Hang in there be brave.


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underdog

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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2017, 10:09:55 PM »

Thank you so much for your responses.

I have long prepared for this event when things just go wrong and it ends quickly. All the signs are there and have slowly detached a lot of the connections.

However, it didn't happen until now. When I was beginning to think that maybe, she is getting better. All the other times I went NC, she would immediately pursue and hook me back. I figured now that all that pursuing had me conditioned that she would keep doing the same things. But now, when things differed a bit, it does cause some hurt. Just like the others here, we were all caught addicted to being recycled. I would hate to admit it, but it hurts now that it isn't happening.

This morning, I am feeling very down again. Reading on the article posted by roberto516, it does seem like post acute withdrawal syndrome. However, I must note some realizations on my own. When I did NC before, it was at a time where I felt needed and I had the upper hand. Therefore, it was much easier to go NC and power through. However, if you go NC at a time where you are also being painted black, it does something to you. It gets you crazy and almost obsessive. I believe that is what I am going through now. I should've just stuck to my guns the first time as it was easier.

I am very down again now and i'm looking to see a therapist. Hope things get better.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2017, 09:58:40 AM »

"I should've just stuck to my guns the first time as it was easier. "

Hey underdog, Right, you should have, but like most of us you didn't.  Now you understand why the ending to each recycle is harder, because you often end up in the same place, but with more pain.  The sad reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is.  Time to move on, my friend.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
underdog

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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2017, 12:02:30 PM »

Right on Luckyjim.

I am now at a stage that I am angry. Very angry. As a lot of the things she had said and done is just beginning to sink in now. Would anyone know if anger is part of the stage of getting over? If so, which part?

Lastly, I have seen her name on a list of people that will be helping facilitate an event I am running this weekend. I just don't get how she got there and what she did to get there. I am not really sure how to deal with it as I just blocked her from all and went NC 3 days ago. What do you guys think should I do? I neef advice. 
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« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2017, 01:17:35 PM »

Would anyone know if anger is part of the stage of getting over? If so, which part?

it is a part of the stages of grief, it is normal, and it can be healthy. it can also come and go. expect that it might; healing, grief, recovery are not linear.

do you have some healthy outlets for venting your anger, underdog?

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
abraxus
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2017, 01:38:26 PM »

Her oh so sweet answer to your email is just to keep you around for more pain and misery.  Why is NC so difficult? Because it's a relationship with a BPD is like a drug. The highs and lows brought excitement to your life. Now you've stopped the drug and are experiencing withdrawal.

You're probably trying to convince yourself, that maybe she wasn't that bad. Maybe IF YOU CHANGE your behavior and adapt it to suit her, you could make it work.  Find a way to convince yourself that this is BS.

This is true, it is like a drug, and it's the balance of highs and lows that make it so addictive.

It's exactly this weakness that we all have, that's used in slot machines, to keep people playing. Logically you know you'll always lose, but the random payout every now and again keeps you playing, even though you know the other spins are costing you more in the long run.

Guess what though, she's wired in pretty much the same way. That doesn't mean that you should change your actions to adapt them to suit her, and instead just realise that your actions are having the opposite effect. She's just as addicted to the random and infrequent payout, that's why they often come back when you pull away. The problem is, that whenever she comes back to spin the wheel, you're giving her the jackpot every time, and so she gets bored again and walks away.
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