How to not become resentful

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Soundof musicgirl,

I completely understand your frustrations with the immature games being played. You would think she would have the best interest of the boys in mind but from experience they don't because they are so focused on their own feelings.

I can tell you from my experience that I find the BPD ex is fighting for control to her own world and a fear of rejection from us. (Maybe even being replaced)

With our ex, she is constantly changing the pick up location to the grocery store parking lot or the police department because she says we disrespect her so we are no longer welcome at her home. Disrespecting her might be not responding to a text, forgetting to send a copy of s field trip form or for just walking away when she starts yelling and belittling my husband in front of the girls at drop off.

My husband likes to call her out on the games but I've found giving her the room to make decisions tends to push her into making better decisions. Like we told her that's fine if you don't want us to come to your home to pick up the girls but you are always welcome at ours.
We also said that the girls shouldn't have to feel this uncomfortableness thinking we are always fighting and have to be picked up at awkward random places. Now she has decided to drop off and pick up the girls from our home. Even though the first time we asked her to pick up at our house, she came over screaming on the front lawn  f words for all the neighbors to hear. Also we were 100% of the time picking up and dropping off. Now she does all the commuting.

We have learned how to encourage her to do the right thing for the girls. For us, it was about addressing issues, not avoiding or ignoring her... that seemed to trigger the fear of abandonment and made things worse.
We are direct in the one thing we want (don't pick more than one thing, the BPD seems to be great at adding 20 more issues all on their own) stay focused on that one thing, then we listen... .let her vent. Once she winds down, we redirect back to the one issue.

I have had conversations with her where she did all the taking and I thought it went horribly. She ended up texting me thank you for listening and then agreed to what we were asking.

It's definitely different than any techniques I've had with communicating with other adults but we seem to have found something that works for us.

Maybe try more communication. Text her saying packages were sent. We are oand ready to skype when you are. When the BPD is criticizing or making threats, try to remember that's when they need your reassurance the most. I know it's lame to have to cater to this type of behavior but it can help to get you the outcome you desire without lowering your standards or walking on eggshells.

I'm still working on it cause I still get my feelings a little hurt at first when she is mean but I've learned ways to respond that don't make me feel like a victim or that she is winning. I stay strong and continue with my decision - showing her that I'm strong and her trantrum
Won't change anything- not even the way I feel about her as a partner in this blended family. Because she does have a role, her opninion does matter to me and I will take it into consideration but my final decision will be in the best interest of the girls, not in the best interest of her feelings or a fear of her reaction.

She used to scare me cause she seemed so evil and mean. Now I see her as a hurt child and it is much easier to deal with. (A hurt child in a grownup body that can make decisions effecting everyone involved!) scary that's why it's important for my husband and I to lead the way but allow her to be a part of it.

We have made progress, she will call me directly now, send emails to both my husband and I saying hello or good morning.

Include her in your life more and see if that helps. At first it might get worse but stay patient and consistent. We had a few big blowups where I was ready to through in the towel and never involve myself with her again but we stood our ground in a matter of fact way and we let her feel whatever she needed to feel... .and moved on and grew.

I hope you find something that works for you.

Remember when they are pushing you away that is when they really are saying "I'm feeling left out, include me more"

Bunny

[bunny4523]

Soundof musicgirl,

I completely understand your frustrations with the immature games being played. You would think she would have the best interest of the boys in mind but from experience they don't because they are so focused on their own feelings.

I can tell you from my experience that I find the BPD ex is fighting for control to her own world and a fear of rejection from us. (Maybe even being replaced)

With our ex, she is constantly changing the pick up location to the grocery store parking lot or the police department because she says we disrespect her so we are no longer welcome at her home. Disrespecting her might be not responding to a text, forgetting to send a copy of s field trip form or for just walking away when she starts yelling and belittling my husband in front of the girls at drop off.

My husband likes to call her out on the games but I've found giving her the room to make decisions tends to push her into making better decisions. Like we told her that's fine if you don't want us to come to your home to pick up the girls but you are always welcome at ours.
We also said that the girls shouldn't have to feel this uncomfortableness thinking we are always fighting and have to be picked up at awkward random places. Now she has decided to drop off and pick up the girls from our home. Even though the first time we asked her to pick up at our house, she came over screaming on the front lawn  f words for all the neighbors to hear. Also we were 100% of the time picking up and dropping off. Now she does all the commuting.

We have learned how to encourage her to do the right thing for the girls. For us, it was about addressing issues, not avoiding or ignoring her... that seemed to trigger the fear of abandonment and made things worse.
We are direct in the one thing we want (don't pick more than one thing, the BPD seems to be great at adding 20 more issues all on their own) stay focused on that one thing, then we listen... .let her vent. Once she winds down, we redirect back to the one issue.

I have had conversations with her where she did all the taking and I thought it went horribly. She ended up texting me thank you for listening and then agreed to what we were asking.

It's definitely different than any techniques I've had with communicating with other adults but we seem to have found something that works for us.

Maybe try more communication. Text her saying packages were sent. We are oand ready to skype when you are. When the BPD is criticizing or making threats, try to remember that's when they need your reassurance the most. I know it's lame to have to cater to this type of behavior but it can help to get you the outcome you desire without lowering your standards or walking on eggshells.

I'm still working on it cause I still get my feelings a little hurt at first when she is mean but I've learned ways to respond that don't make me feel like a victim or that she is winning. I stay strong and continue with my decision - showing her that I'm strong and her trantrum
Won't change anything- not even the way I feel about her as a partner in this blended family. Because she does have a role, her opninion does matter to me and I will take it into consideration but my final decision will be in the best interest of the girls, not in the best interest of her feelings or a fear of her reaction.

She used to scare me cause she seemed so evil and mean. Now I see her as a hurt child and it is much easier to deal with. (A hurt child in a grownup body that can make decisions effecting everyone involved!) scary that's why it's important for my husband and I to lead the way but allow her to be a part of it.

We have made progress, she will call me directly now, send emails to both my husband and I saying hello or good morning.

Include her in your life more and see if that helps. At first it might get worse but stay patient and consistent. We had a few big blowups where I was ready to through in the towel and never involve myself with her again but we stood our ground in a matter of fact way and we let her feel whatever she needed to feel... .and moved on and grew.

I hope you find something that works for you.

Remember when they are pushing you away that is when they really are saying "I'm feeling left out, include me more"

Bunny

[soundofmusicgirl]

bunny thank you for your words. I am glad you found something that works for you. We have a strict rule: only DH communicates with BPDxw.
This rule was also encouraged when we talked to a therapist and he said it is best that biological parents communicate and not stepparents.
I have tried to communicate several times and realised it only creates further chaos and adds fuel to the fire (in our case). Plus I really don't want to receive hate mail

I completely understand that she is afraid she is losing control and being abandoned. In the very beginning my DH was very kind and allowed BPDxw to skype with the children twice a day while he had them. He wanted to "calm her anxieties" and reassure her. It did the complete opposite. She said he was taunting her with all the things that he was doing with the kids. Especially when he told them to put on their swim trunks when she had communicated that she forbids him to go swimming. On another visit BPDxw kept my husband busy with texting him multiple times per day demanding an update on the kids and demanding that the daily phone calls she had with them was not "reasonable". My husband engaged and tried to "calm her". All it did was stress my husband and BPDxw getting mad at him over the text message. It kept him from enjoying the short time he had with the kids because he was constantly thinking about how to reply to BPDxw text messages. After that I drew the boundary and said no more text messaging while the kids are with us.

[bunny4523]

Sound of music girl,

Let me first say please remember you aren't doing anything wrong. It is really hard dealing with these behaviors and it does get worse before it gets better. The consistency needs to be built up. And with BPD irrational responses we tend to think "that didn't work" and we try something else which tgreatens that pattern of consistency.

By no means do I mean comply with all her demands or texts... .actually just the opposite. You set the boundaries, like you are doing, but just a little softer.
Like maybe one text response to the 100 messages at the end of the day. I used to read them for my husband when we were going through that and only respond me to any factual matters involving the kids. Ignoring all the hate insults. She soon realized she would need to wait for my husband to respond and she also learned that he. Would respond eventually.
She used to flip out if he didn't answer his phone right when she called or text. We also put her texts on silent because the constant alerts while me husband was trying to work was driving him nuts.

We only do what we want to do based on what we think is right to do regardless of her possible reaction. Definitely don't cater to her for sure. I'm sorry you are going through this, it makes it so much harder than it needs to be. It took us multiple go arounds before we were able to find the balance that worked for us.

Don't give up but take breaks from it too. Then dive back in when your ready. The thing to remember is the kids are going to suffer from having to deal with their mom as they grow up.  Once you guys figure out the way to coexist it will help you to teach them later How to cope with this disorder and hopefully not develop the traits themselves. Even if they do, teaching them how to work through it now will help them hopefully to be less effected and more functioning. Your number one focus is just what you are doing... .do right by the boys, set the example.

It's a mess and it keeps constant tensions... .I do remember that feeling and I wish you the best. Thanks for caring about those kids and searching out this site for support.
Bunny

[travelgirl2912]

The threat of mediation is coming from a place of feeling extremely powerless--

Indeed, you hit the nail on the head. He used to give into her every demand and now he's not, and she's really frustrated by that.

Setting boundaries over which you have control is, in many ways, harder than hoping she will comply. This is where you can be helpful as the SO -- it's possible your fiancee has a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) hangover that may even have predated his BPDx. Setting boundaries may also trigger issues he has about being a rescuer/fixer/savior to the girls. You can help him identify what is driving him nuts, come up with reasonable boundaries, and then be his reality check when he feels tugged to relent on a boundary.

We worked through this over the weekend; thank you for the inspiration to start this. He historically has sent emails outlining what the girls are not accomplishing at mom's house that we have to compensate for at our house (i.e., reading, health issues, homework, getting excused from doing homework because of parties, etc.) with the purpose of documenting this in case he needs it for mediation/court. Is this really necessary?

My thought is, she's never going to change, the burden of work will always fall on us, and it's more important for us to accept this sooner than later so that our home can be as bitter-free as possible for the girls.

The more he score-keeps, the more angry he gets... .(perhaps this is part of the FOG that you mentioned).

Thanks again, so much!

[travelgirl2912]

She once again said that "all the professionals agree with her that the boys cannot fly". Made me and hubby chuckle, because we actually had two written reports (one from their pediatrician and one from a psychologist that had recently evaluated them that they saw absolutely no problem with kids flying.
It became clear to us that she just was hoping that my husband would cave to the:"if you tuly love your children you will not make them come and see you" thread.

Thanks for sharing this specific. I feel like we are dealing with the same woman. She literally said, "All of the professionals agree that the girls should not go to Europe, a terrorist zone."

Uh... .your sister and mom don't count as professionals.

[travelgirl2912]

Her mom, at least in the past, tried to make sure that DSD thought the world was dangerous and that she needed Mommy at every turn.  We got those emails on how to bathe a 9 year old.  I was a horrible abusive stepmom because I made DSD empty the utensil bin of the dishwasher.  Mom's psychosis worked until DSD was about 13, even though she had previously been a pretty brave little girl.  She even gave up riding her horse because it was dangerous.

WOW! We had the same stuff - we should be helping the girls shower (10 and 8) because she does at her house (boundary issues, anyone?) We make them do unreasonable chores (sorting the laundry, dusting -- "they should NOT be doing chores that adults/housekeepers/maids should be doing", and one daughter can't take horseback riding lessons because she may be allergic to horses.

But as she got older we made sure she saw a lot of the world (trips, visits to the colleges her stepsiblings went to, camping, etc.) and that she had things that she was competent at.  We fought all the way to the Court of Appeals to make sure she went to the most rigorous middle school in town.  We sent her by herself on the plane to visit her older brother.  She's responsible for her own laundry.  As she's gotten older we've let her go out and explore on her own. We pretty much ignored Mom's rants.  Fortunately DH is better at this than I am.

Thanks for inspiring and reassuring me. We fought and fought and fought to get the girls passports last summer so we could take them to Paris, London, and Ireland (all terrorist zones where something bad could happen at ANY moment, so she had to Facetime them every day to make sure they were okay - and when one of the girls was crying because she missed her teddy bear, she told her that we should never have taken them so far from home). We make them walk 1/4 of a block to the bus, we empower them that they CAN DO HARD THINGS. Their mom fully believes that she is helping their confidence levels by doing everything for them, and they know the second they come back to our house, we don't do everything for them. Right now, we're labeled at the strict and the mean house, but we are also the house that says YES to experiences that they would never have at Mom's house. My 10 year old stepdaughter is now saying, "I want you to get married wherever is the farthest away." She loves adventure, plane rides, travel, and seeing all different aspects of the world. She's very intuitive, and is already starting to pick up that her mom is the one holding her back -- and even sees the relationship as something she should feel sorry for at times.

Thank you for helping me see the benefit of consistency in this long road ahead.

Do you just literally delete her rants? Not respond? Totally ignore? What if she keeps pressing? What if you need her permission for something (like passports)?

[livednlearned]

Do you just literally delete her rants?

Move them to a folder labeled "rants"   in case you need them later. If it comes down to going back to court, you can quantify the kinds of emails you receive, organized by label. "Name-calling," "excessive micro-managing," "obstructing/stonewalling," etc.

Not respond? Totally ignore?

If you have already addressed the issue in question, no need to respond. If your H has a hard time with that, he could quote whatever email in which he expressed how he planned to handle the issue. Sort of like stock answers to common grievances.

What if she keeps pressing?

Hang on tight

Because most likely, she will keep pressing. Boundaries are not something she experiences inside herself, so you will have to provide them for her. She is going to keep kicking and testing the edges to see if the boundaries are really there. And there. And there. And here too. Every time you let up on a boundary, that will compel her to keep pressing, so be as consistent as you can, even if it initially inconveniences you.

What if you need her permission for something (like passports)?

Depending on how high-conflict she is, you may have to file a motion and go to court, unfortunately.

[travelgirl2912]

bunny thank you for your words. I am glad you found something that works for you. We have a strict rule: only DH communicates with BPDxw.
This rule was also encouraged when we talked to a therapist and he said it is best that biological parents communicate and not stepparents.

We got the same advice, with an additional perspective: it is my fiancé's responsibility to protect the sacredness of his and my relationship, so he should be the buffer. I'm okay with that

... .He wanted to "calm her anxieties" and reassure her. It did the complete opposite.

We experience the exact same thing! Every time in the past that we thought to ourselves, ok, maybe she's normal now -- JUST KIDDING -- she'd nose her way into something else we were doing wrong and how we were endangering the kids and how next time this happens she will take us to court. The most recent episode FINALLY (finally!) prompted my fiancé to de-friend her on Facebook so she wouldn't be able to see all of the stuff that we do with the kids and use it as ammunition to fire up her already-always-panicked mind.

Sound of Music and Bunny - Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories. They help me to feel like we are doing the right thing, not just being total jerks for the sake of being jerks! 

[travelgirl2912]

Move them to a folder labeled "rants"   in case you need them later. If it comes down to going back to court, you can quantify the kinds of emails you receive, organized by label. "Name-calling," "excessive micro-managing," "obstructing/stonewalling," etc.

I really love this idea. Thank you. It flips the rant on its head. Also, it's more fun to file them under folders that we title with swear words, too.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thanks for sharing this specific. I feel like we are dealing with the same woman. She literally said, "All of the professionals agree that the girls should not go to Europe, a terrorist zone."

Uh... .your sister and mom don't count as professionals.

ha ha... yes! She also added that a trip to Europe will be interfereing with their cicadian rythm. SS then told us that he does not want to be dizzy and tired (Moms way of explaining jet lag to him). We told him that the best way to battle jet lag is to go outside and play. They then proceeded to sleep for 12-14 hours straight each night.

Luckily they have some awesome teachers in school that help them to see adventures in coming to Europe. They were able to take some pictures and share them with their class and were the "heroes" of the day
And yes, my goal is as well to make them see and experience a lot and understand that the world is a wonderful place.

[travelgirl2912]

UPDATE:
We got an inflammatory email last night that I have been making disparaging remarks about the ex-wife to the girls and that makes them uncomfortable, and she is so upset that she will be calling my fiancé this week to discuss.

I already know this to be made up, as does my fiancé, and we've (almost) gotten to the point that we can laugh that she would make up something so ludicrous. We will not be responding to the e-mail, nor will he be picking up the phone. We have already set a boundary with her that any accusatory or inflammatory emails will not be responded to, nor will phone calls be answered. So, continuing with that boundary, we are hoping that she just lets this manufactured crisis go and moves onto the next. We are prepared :D

Fiancé also opened up more at therapy last night that he is definitely emotionally attached to her in the sense that he wants to constantly give her a chance to do right so badly (so it will, in turn, make him not a horrible person for marrying her), and that he is still seeking her approval. Therapist identified quite a bit of shame underneath all of the anger - why did he stay for so long, he was so dumb, how could he not see how sick she is? This board has helped me articulate to him in a way that he hears it - that she is truly ill, that she will make up stories to find ways to control and seep into our relationship if we let her, that she feels truly out of control and wants others to experience those emotional swings with her, and that it's up to us to protect ourselves against the drama and not ride the roller coaster with her. Part of that will be him figuring out how to detach from her and really set boundaries on OUR terms, not hers.

Upside: the iPod touch emails seem to have fallen off the radar for the time being.   

Thank you again; I can't tell you how empowered I feel right now! 

[bunny4523]

This board has helped me articulate to him in a way that he hears it - that she is truly ill, that she will make up stories to find ways to control and seep into our relationship if we let her, that she feels truly out of control and wants others to experience those emotional swings with her, and that it's up to us to protect ourselves against the drama and not ride the roller coaster with her. Part of that will be him figuring out how to detach from her and really set boundaries on OUR terms, not hers.

Upside: the iPod touch emails seem to have fallen off the radar for the time being.   

Thank you again; I can't tell you how empowered I feel right now! 

This is the same thing I have to remind my husband.  She will not understand because she is not like you and I, she isn't well.  It seems to help calm him down. Takes the pressure off of him to "fix" the issue at hand.  DON'T ride the roller coaster with her... .I like that.

Very well said... .I think this post will help alot of members.  Thank you for sharing.

Bunny

[Panda39]

Therapist identified quite a bit of shame underneath all of the anger - why did he stay for so long, he was so dumb, how could he not see how sick she is?

I had never thought about my SO feeling shame from his marriage to his ex.  I have never tried to shame him... .do I think he made some dumb decisions when he was married sure but we all do dumb things in our marriages.  I understood is motivation (his commitment to his marriage & family). Besides he wasn't the only one coming out of a dysfunctional marriage I had 20 years with an alcoholic. I didn't and couldn't judge him.  I've always encouraged him to be who he is and over the last 6+ years I've been watching him do that and it's been great.   But when I told him about your fiancé he said Oh, yah I feel shame... .I feel like the guard at the concentration camp that was just following orders.  That made me so sad.  I'm so happy we are a partnership, it's collaborative, no one is giving or following orders anymore.

I agree with Bunny great post... .wish we could all get together for lunch but with all the kooky stories we have it would last for days!

[travelgirl2912]

I had never thought about my SO feeling shame from his marriage to his ex.  I have never tried to shame him... .

Right? It makes no sense to me why he would carry around this shame, but our therapist says that it's very common for men (although it's not exclusively a gender issue) to hold onto shame, often from their family of origin. (Fiancé grew up with a mom who used guilt as a weapon and also was emotionally incestuous, so there is that FOG that was discussed earlier in this thread as well.) I see him as such a great man and great dad, but he doesn't see himself that way. So. Much. Shame.

Thankfully, we are working to chip away at it and get to the root of everything, which I am confident will happen over time. He is incredibly self aware and willing to do the hard work. (I'm very lucky.)

But when I told him about your fiancé he said Oh, yah I feel shame... .I feel like the guard at the concentration camp that was just following orders.  That made me so sad.  I'm so happy we are a partnership, it's collaborative, no one is giving or following orders anymore.

Good for you guys! Sometimes, I tell him something one way, and it triggers the shame (the guard at the concentration camp is a GREAT analogy) so I need to watch how I say things to him. I'm sure you are years ahead of us in progress... .something to aspire to.

I agree with Bunny great post... .wish we could all get together for lunch but with all the kooky stories we have it would last for days!

It would need to be a 2-week long cruise! 

[NorthernGirl]

It would need to be a 2-week long cruise! 

I'm in! 

Your comments about shame were very helpful, travelgirl. I know DH feels guilt about his sons. I don't think he had any idea when they first married how she would change. One son asked him why he married his mom in the first place. DH said she wasn't like she is now when they met. He thinks there were signs of things going wrong when she became overwhelmed after their second child. And two years later, she had a third.

He would have stayed with her longer out of loyalty. He went to counselling trying to make things better. He says he felt like a failure when the marriage ended. Now he can look back and see the impact of her illness of him, but mostly on the kids. He wishes now he left a lot sooner for the kids sake.

I would guess that although he talks about guilt, he would also say he feels shame. Shame that he couldn't 'fix' things.  Shame that he wasn't able to make it better for their kids.

I bought DH a coffee mug that says 'You are a good dad' on the outside and 'that is all' on the inside. He loves it. Says it speaks volumes. He needs that constant reminder.

[Panda39]

I love it the BPDx cruise!  No phones allowed... .No way to contact us   We could do whatever want without waiting for a shoe to drop, obstruction, without a fight, without the drama!  We could have guest speakers do lectures... .Randi Kreger, Dr Childress, Bill Eddy and Christine Lawson  We could play a new game "guess the BPD Family member" (since we have no clue what each other looks like).  We can learn about self-care, do yoga (get our zen on), go to the spa and walk the decks for stress relief.    Hmmmmm gotta have some shopping therapy too! 

Panda39

[livednlearned]

I love it the BPDx cruise!  No phones allowed... .No way to contact us   

 

[travelgirl2912]

Sigh. I have a new update.

uBPDxw is now threatening court over the following:
1 - Not sharing in parental responsibilities (we don't take the iPod touches over to her house)
2 - I make disparaging remarks about her to the girls
3 - Fiancé refuses to engage in conversations with her for the well being of the girls
(She did get the guidance of someone in the legal field to send this email, as it is full of legal jargon and terminology that she otherwise would not have written).

Of course, all three of these are manufactured in her head, but she has set a "deadline" of 5 days for him to have a conversation with her (she demanded it), otherwise, she will pursue a court order to force fiancé to have a conversation with her to resolve these issues.

More details:
With regard to parenting responsibilities, we are the ones who handle the majority of the day-to-day responsibilities: we take the girls to tutoring, therapy, doctor's appointments, get them to read and do homework (she can't get them to read or finish homework at her house), schedule P/T conferences, we even led the charge for the older daughter to get her LD diagnosis because mom sat back with apathy about the whole thing.

My "disparaging" remarks, according to the girls: I said to my fiancé that she won't let them walk down the street (we live 5 houses away), so why would she let them walk two blocks to school? And they told her that I was saying mean things about their mom, because "she lets us stay at home by ourselves all the time, so why wouldn't she let us walk down the street?" (We talked and clarified that it wasn't a disparaging remark, but a fact, and that people can change their minds... .to which they said, "Mom changes her mind all the time!" Shocker. Also ironic: she has sternly told us that the state law says that kids ABSOLUTELY CANNOT stay at home by themselves until they are 14. Ha.)

Fiancé used to have a weekly phone call with her (which she rarely showed up for), and he told her that unless the girls were reading at her house, he wasn't no longer going to participate in the weekly call. She stopped calling after that with no further discussion, but he is the one who's "refusing" to talk.

QUESTION 1: Is this her acting out and testing/testing/testing/testing, or is this something that needs to be responded to? She's now making up stories to support her claims, and she's possibly out of control enough to carry them all the way to a judge.

QUESTION 2: How do I best support my fiancé? He is reacting to her with panic, anxiety, and "See? What you said (not engaging her) didn't work and now she's going to take me to court." He reactively even said it wasn't unreasonable for things to go back the way they were (she would let herself into his house, text 50+ times a day, ZERO boundaries because of FOG... .) How do I help him while also protecting US so we don't slide back to where she had control over him through their daughters?

Thanks in advance. It never ends, does it. *sigh*

[bunny4523]

Sigh. I have a new update.

uBPDxw is now threatening court over the following:
1 - Not sharing in parental responsibilities (we don't take the iPod touches over to her house)
2 - I make disparaging remarks about her to the girls
3 - Fiancé refuses to engage in conversations with her for the well being of the girls
(She did get the guidance of someone in the legal field to send this email, as it is full of legal jargon and terminology that she otherwise would not have written).

Of course, all three of these are manufactured in her head, but she has set a "deadline" of 5 days for him to have a conversation with her (she demanded it), otherwise, she will pursue a court order to force fiancé to have a conversation with her to resolve these issues

Ok so here is what I would try. First do not panic
Second translate her message - She is upset about a few things she would like to have a conversation to share her thoughts.

I would simply ignore the terminology and threats... .by responding something like
"You seem really upset , of course we can talk about what is effecting the girls. I'm available tomorrow between blank and blank time"

Empathize with her need but Don't buy into her nonsense about making you out to be unreachable or unavailable to communicate. Prove her wrong by responding.

She will try to exaggerate and intensify the situations. Let her vent/ get it out. If she gets loud or insulting you need to let her know that you will need to end the conversation for now until she can calmly speak to you. Don't get caught up in defending yourself like you are doing in this post... .Don't buy into her delusion of you.

Have your fiancé tell her he will need to think about what she has said and get back to her if he starts feeling pressure. Let her threaten court. It's ok. If someone really wants to go to court, they will probably just file not talk about filing. Her claims are bogus anyways.

Don't try to reason with her or defend yourself. Just listen and agree to think about it. Remember you don't need to react to what she says Immediately. Respond at your own pace with short responses whenever possible.

You can limit these conversations too, set aside time when your ok with it. We let my husbands ex just blow off steam from time to time. It seems to be about once a month.  She goes on and on without us even saying a word. We literally have her on mute and have our own conversation. it's annoying to have to deal with it but a lot less energy than before when we tried to reason and defend ourselves.

I hope some of these ideas work for you and help take the edge off. I know how frustrating it can be but it can get better.

Bunny

[livednlearned]

bunny4523 has really good advice

This blow-up may also be more about her feeling incompetent and inadequate, and less about your H not bending a knee.

She found out from the girls that you think she's a bad mom (her interpretation). This probably activated intolerable feelings of inadequacy, and like a little kid, she went running to a higher authority (court option) to punch back. Only that will make up for what she desperately lacks (adequacy, respect, etc.).

Like bunny4523 recommends, you can address the emotional dysregulation by validating her feelings in your response. If she is not too far gone, a dose of validation may slow her roll. I would also make sure that the response shows you are ok with court so she doesn't think "aha, court threats work."

Maybe something like, "You feel aggravated by the way we are handling parental responsibilities -- I understand, and am ok sorting this out in court if you think that's best." Give her a small sense of competence here so she doesn't keep trying to soothe herself. This is what causes so much of the trouble, because her ways of self-soothing are often destructive to everyone around her.

It may also help to respond to your husband with validation, too, to help him with his own rising panic. People with BPD tend to catastrophize and their anxiety can be pretty contagious. When we feel anxious or emotionally flooded, it gets hard to solve problems. You are probably the person best positioned to get perspective and not let the emotions overwhelm everyone.

My SO is an excellent problem solver and rational actor, but when it comes to his uBPD ex or his uBPD D19, he can backslide and have a hard time seeing what look to me like obvious solutions.

[Panda39]

I use this analogy all the time... .

Like the little kid that want's candy in the grocery store and mom says no (not good for little kid "boundary".  The little kid begins to whine mom says no (reinforces the boundary).  The little kid starts to scream and cry (we've all seen this  ).  What happens if mom gives in and says yes?  That little kid has learned if they scream and yell loud enough mom will give in (boundary caves in).  If mom continues to enforce her boundary and say no the little kid will eventually figure out they are not getting any candy.

You've set new boundaries so she's acting like the little kid... .I'd say we are at whining so she could get worse before it gets better.  Bunny has some good ideas to try and de-escalate the situation, just be careful not to validate the invalid.  But if you hold your boundaries... .not responding to erroneous stuff (which IMO this is) she will likely escalate to a full on tantrum or an "Extinction Burst" more on that below... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

For your fiance... .take a deep breath, she's blowing FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)... .using emotional blackmail... .when you take the emotion out of this and look at that list objectively is any of it true?  Not does she believe it's true because for someone with BPD Feelings=Facts.  She is using on you what my SO's uBPDxw used on him... .you are an uncooperative bad dad.  Don't buy it.

Panda39

[bunny4523]

Yes lived and learned... .good point about court. We used to always get threats of court until I said, "ok we can file with the court if you want and it can become the revised court order. All we need to do is file this form... .And have it filed with the court. I've done it before and can take care of that once we've come to an agreement"
She quickly knew court didn't scare me and haven't heard a peek out of her again

Since BPD escalate and magnify issues, it's very important for us to "contain" or even make the Robles seem smaller and more manageable. Rather than saying that we did something wrong, I tend to say I'm really sorry that was a misunderstanding... .we didn't mean it that way. We meant this. I can see why you'd be upset

Keep posting! Your on the right track

[travelgirl2912]

Thanks for all the help and advice. We had a meeting with an attorney, which was really good/a turning point for my fiancé. He heard the following from outside, independent counsel:

1 - That we have every right to parent how we want to parent, whether the uBPDxw agrees with it or not. (As long as we are not doing anything to hurt them, abuse them, put them in danger, illegal stuff... .of course.) She suggested we use the following as a response to all of the BS emails she sends:

"It is clear that we disagree on the best ways to parent the girls. I feel that we are doing the right thing by teaching the girls responsibility for their belongings." [SEND and done].

She did say that responding in this way makes it clear that we did receive her email while still setting boundaries. (If it ever got to a point where we would need an independent GAL to evaluate both sets of parents, this would show that we were attempting to communicate with her and the courts couldn't then say that we weren't.)

2 - Based on the things that we discussed with her (i.e., uBPDxw minimizes the girls drinking alcohol when they are in her care; unsupervised and completely public social media profiles), attorney suggested we start keeping track as she sees a significant possibility for us to have more parenting time with the girls based on the historical rulings of the judges in our county.

As you all predicted, she hasn't moved forward with mediation. She's too busy right now. Shock. *eyeroll*

Thanks again. What a rollercoaster.