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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Update: 6 months on  (Read 383 times)
snowmonkey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 92


« on: March 24, 2017, 02:19:03 AM »

Just thought I'd share. There are lessons here and some hope and yet more for me to learn and some warnings to others.

A brief recap: after a 3.5 year relation with my exBPDgf she left me under very hurtful circumstances which of course involved other men and some pretty serious physical (not to mention mental) abuse by her.

So, what happened? I went total NC, so much so that I deactivated my fb so I couldn't see her if I was ever tempted to look, I even stopped visiting this site as I felt it kept me in that frame of mind that I was constantly thinking of her. In September of last year I just wanted to be struck by lightning and have my life taken from me.

So... .I determined that I would not allow my life to go to waste. Much harder done than said, especially considering my depression at that time and the PTSD that I was diagnosed with. I was very hard on myself, VERY hard. I somehow forced myself to spend every waking moment doing positive things, no matter how much I wished to lie in bed and just allow life to pass me by. Sometimes I would simply stumble out of bed and crawl to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and begin the days rigours. By this time I had dropped from 80kg to 64kg in a matter of a few weeks.

I exercised religiously, I ate only the most healthy of foods, I took 6 hours of private french lessons per week, I built a new dining table from old pallets that now stands proudly in my house, I repaved my back patio, repainted my entire home, made contact with old friends, I spent time with my family. I cut out all time wasted on computer games, I booked a holiday to Europe and I stayed away from dating sites and women in general.

Gradually, I removed her from my mind and my life. Or so I thought.

By late December I was a new person, although I still had so much hatred for her and there was still not an hour where my mind would not turn to thoughts of her. I left Australia and went to Paris to begin my grand adventure. I had arranged to learn French at a private school for a month and then spend the next month doing whatever took my fancy.

I was laying in bed on the evening of NYE and I was exhausted and a little sad, what was she doing at this moment? It was so tempting to lie in bed alone on that night rather than leave the hotel and celebrate the new year as a single foreigner in a city I hardly knew. Yet... .once more into the breach... .and I galvanised myself to dress in my finest and hit the town.

A fantastic night at a jazz club and too many champagnes later and there I was lying in the bed of a stunning Russian woman and feeling on top of the world! The next 2 months passed in a blur... .a beautiful blur of dancing tango in Berlin, lines of coke outside and naked in the spa in -30 degrees Celsius in Helsinki, eating шашлык in Estonia and gazing at Monet in musee l'orangerie.

Of course, I had to return to Australia and the dream would come to an end. By this stage, myself and my new partner were completely and totally in love. But two days before I was due to leave Europe my ex messaged me. I ignored it once and when she called again I slipped and picked up. All my lessons of how to speak to a person with BPD had been forgotten and beside I didn't care about her at all. She was phoning and complaining that she could not find some of her things when she had gone to my house to pick them up while I was away. I told her what I thought of her and that when I returned home I would forward any remaining things that I could find.

Now, now, now... .I know what you're going to say... .and I guess this is like the part of the movie where the audience cringes and begs the protagonist not to do what he is about to do... .I don't need to write it here.

I think I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to want me so much and for me to walk away. I wanted to pay her back. I gloried in recounting my European adventure to her, scant minutes after the deed. I went home and she called me and I hung up, I made her feel the shame of her disgusting behaviour from some months earlier. She apologised for the first time in her life and begged for us to be together. I treated her like the filthy woman she is in my mind and I broke contact with her.

But things changed, although I was playing a game, I got enmeshed once more. And even though I knew she had not changed, I felt the attachment growing every time we were together. And now, well, she is up to her old tricks once more and I'm finding that when it comes to her, I cannot win. I had a couple of days ago my first nightmare in longer than I can remember.

I guess I don't need to "win" as her life is already in ruins... .sure she will easily find men to spend the night with but her addiction to prescription medications is stronger than ever, she is drinking a lot again, she is behind in her rent and her room in her share house has not a single scrap of empty floor that is not covered in dirty clothes, filthy crockery, empty packets of medication and assorted garbage. Her sister and daughter were the only ones who spoke to her when I left and are hardly in contact with her now and she is only hanging on to her job by the skin of her teeth.

Definitely time for me to renew my vows to myself... .I must not waste my life, any time spent with her is destructive... .she is an addiction that I can't allow myself to engage with. No matter what I think, no matter how strong and positive I feel, she is a very dangerous and addictive drug that can only harm.

Oh... .for those that are interested... .I'm meeting the Russian girl in morocco in a month. i think it is fortunate we live on the other side of the world from one another, it forces us to slow down when we both clearly have a tendency to move too fast.


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infjEpic
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In a new relationship
Posts: 245


« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2017, 10:28:09 AM »

A fantastic night at a jazz club and too many champagnes later and there I was lying in the bed of a stunning Russian woman and feeling on top of the world! The next 2 months passed in a blur... .a beautiful blur of dancing tango in Berlin, lines of coke outside and naked in the spa in -30 degrees Celsius in Helsinki, eating шашлык in Estonia and gazing at Monet in musee l'orangerie.

Definitely time for me to renew my vows to myself... .I must not waste my life, any time spent with her is destructive... .she is an addiction that I can't allow myself to engage with. No matter what I think, no matter how strong and positive I feel, she is a very dangerous and addictive drug that can only harm.

Oh... .for those that are interested... .I'm meeting the Russian girl in morocco in a month. i think it is fortunate we live on the other side of the world from one another, it forces us to slow down when we both clearly have a tendency to move too fast.




From an external perspective here's what I see:

She's out of your life and it blossoms
She's back in your life and it withers

She will always be disordered.
It seems you're very aware of this anyway. So probably not any useful advice I can offer you here.

==

On your new relationship;
you've been on the BPD crazy carousel and make it off.
Just be careful you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire here.

Whether you recognise it or not, you are still vulnerable. Take your time.

Enjoy yourself, but don't lose yourself either.
BPD isn't the only disorder out there.
Personally, I had plenty of experience with gold diggers before I ever got into a BPD relationship.

I was on the look out for Gold Digger Flags - my BPDex didn't have 'em.
All good, right?
You might be on the look out for BPD Red Flags and miss other ones.

Also, try to investigate cultural differences before you commit to anything.
There are actually substantial cultural differences between the Russians & the Anglosphere - which doesn't mean they're bad, just that you need to be aware of them.

My partner is Russian and I've eaten shashlik in the Baltic too -  so I'm not discriminating, I'm just very aware of a particular socio-economic dynamic

Good Luck!

(p.s. Try not to look American in Morocco. Wear a Russian or Aussie football strip or something )
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Stripey77
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 266



« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2017, 11:02:24 AM »

I read every line of your story with interest... .it reads like some kind of romance novel or an outline for a new James Bond film... .did all of this really happen? If so... .wow!

But there's a flip side to my 'wow'... .and I have made this point again, and again, on these boards. Just why do you feel the need for 'revenge' or to see your ex suffer, or to make her feel pain? What do you gain from that? Every one of us on these boards is feeling the pain you've gone through to some lesser or greater extent, and have probably run the gamut of emotions.  But as we 'nons' apparently have a better understanding, we are armed with knowledge and therefore have the higher ground in many respects, why feel the need to lower ourselves to wanting to see our exes suffer, exes who no doubt in their own ways loved and probably still do love us.

You have gone to extraordinary, and I mean extraordinary, lengths to show the world and demonstrate to yourself how much you have moved on and improved your life. But your story is peppered with finger pointing, with name calling, with feeling a need to see her down... .forgive me, but you strike me as seeming almost a little gleeful that she lives in apparent squalor and hanging on by a thread. But how does this serve you, or your healing, or improve your life in any way?

It doesn't. I have said this so many times on these threads, but I believe, truly, that real peace, and equilibrium, comes from acceptance and forgiveness. These people are already suffering, that is a fact, and will continue to do so. Do you think they act from a place of malice, or from a disorder? Because there is a major difference, and it is up to us nons to see the difference, and temper our responses accordingly. God knows I have been given enough reasons to hate my ex, and he has even told me to forget him and hate him... .but he never actually stays away for good. We're in a better place than we ever have been since we broke up, not together, which makes me very sad, but in a place of friendliness and understanding. He knows, I think, that I 'get' him.

Your ex is reaching out. It might be a huge step for you-  but not, I think, beyond the realms of possibility for an educated man who likes to broaden his mind - to show a little kindness here. Yes, your life has come along in leaps and bounds, and that is fantastic. After all, our first priority is to ourselves. But presumably you once loved this woman, and now she is down on her luck. She is almost certainly feeling bewildered, or scared. You have outlined for the changes you've made, that is probably quite enough for now. Be kind. I assure you it leaves a far more pleasant taste in the mouth than vitriol and revenge.

You state that she is 'up to her old tricks' but my friend, it takes two to tango, and if she is enmeshing herself in your brain, that is because you are allowing her to. You are also up to YOUR own tricks, and yet you know better, don't you? She is doing the only thing she knows, but you have gone away, worked on yourself and improved yourself. Why now choose to be drawn in again? It's so easy to point the finger at our exes and say that the drew us in, but they're not magicians, you know. We know all too well, every one of us, the almost ESP like sense they seem to have, the extra special relationships we had with these people, but they're not casting evil spells on us. You, as the educated and informed, now healed and improved, ex partner, have the choice to say thank you, but no thank you. I am your friend if you need me (if you want to be in her life) but I have moved on.

You are choosing not to do this and to be swept along by the enmeshment, despite the fact that you have in fact met someone else. Personal responsibility must come in to play at some point, and I ask again, what do you seek to gain by seeing someone who you KNOW to be damaged goods, suffering even more? Look forward, be the bigger person... .and good luck with the new chapter you're writing.
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Accept what is,
Let go of what was
and have faith in what will be.
hopealways
aka moving4ward
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2017, 05:02:51 PM »

Lovely post.
What it reinforces for me is:
1. They come crawling back (especially when they feel you are over them).
2. But they don't change and they cannot be taught lessons.
3. Our misery was all in our minds, we are great and can have happy lives.

Good for you for moving on and forcing yourself to take these steps.

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Sadly
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Very Single
Posts: 886



« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2017, 02:47:02 AM »


Well Snowmonkey, I am happy for you however it all sounds very frantic. I am not sure if what is coming through to me from your post is a wrong interpretation and I hope I am wrong but I feel it seems to be written "Behind a Painted Smile" !
Check out the lyrics, it's a very old song from The Isley Brothers.
I am not I promise being a downer and the things you have done sound incredible so I truly am happy for you, it was just something about it worried me, I hope you don't mind me saying so as I truly wish you peace and happiness.
Love from
Sadly x
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Never let someone be your priority whilst you remain their option
snowmonkey
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 92


« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2017, 04:35:55 AM »

Hi All,

thanks for your responses.

@infjEpic I think you are spot on the money regarding being on the look out for gold diggers and the cultural differences between our two backgrounds. After a day or two I was certain that this new girl had BPD but as time passed I came to realise that much of what I thought to be BPD behaviour was more to do with cultural differences. Whether these differences are something that enhances our relationship or will end up being too much for us is something that only time will tell. At the moment I am ok with that. I am not feeling this tremendous desire to make it work at all costs. I am being attentive to not getting too attached. I hope I can stay this way.

@Stripey77 thanks for your response, I can assure you that it is all true. And I'm not saying that in way so as to make me feel proud of what has happened, nor to have people look at me and say wow. The truth is, I would swap all of my story for a nice wife, home, two kids and dog. Also, I am partly ashamed of my behaviour in wanting to emotionally hurt someone else but also betray someone that I do want to be with. However, I don't want really want to debate the topic of 'revenge' because many of us have different views on the topic. But I would like to say two things about it:

1) Thinking about revenge helped to save me. Have absolutely no doubt about this. Indeed, when I was in my deepest, darkest moments, thinking that one day I would cause my ex the type of hurt that she caused me was the only thing that got me through the day. I had an interesting discussion with my psychologist on this topic. She knew, long before I ever spoke about this topic with her, that thoughts of this type had been swirling through my head. It is an extremely common defensive, psychological mechanism that your brain turns to when you have been so betrayed by another person that your world comes crashing down.

2) I need to be true to myself. I lost that when I was with my ex. And yes, I am just one of those people who believe in revenge. An eye for an eye. To truly move on, I needed to feel some sense of justice. This is the person I am. I can't spend the next ten years not feeling whole while I try to modify my sense of self and philosophy on human relationships, so that I am at peace with what has happened. On the contrary, I have found what little revenge I can ever have from her and now... .Now I can start to feel some sense of closure and peace.

@hopealways; You've hit the nail on the head. You have written in just a few lines exactly what I have tried to say. I just wanted to share my story to give others here another concrete example. When I was so down and out I would read these facts; they always come back, they never change, she doesn't hold the key to my happiness.

Luckily for me, I now know these to be facts. And knowing (instead of just hearing) these things have helped me so much.

@Sadly. Please don't be sorry, I know what you have said comes from a place of caring. This is the great thing about this community, we all genuinely want the best for each other.

And you know what, you are very insightful! I'm fully aware that my journey is long from over. And underneath I do have incredible pain that I have not even started to heal from yet. Indeed, there is much that I will never heal from. I recall one night many, many months ago lying in bed after making love to my ex and drifting off to sleep. She woke me from that sleep and told me "if you want to stay here in bed with me, you have to wake up and watch me as I talk to other guys on this dating website". This is just one of many, many instances of the terrible pain she has caused me. There are so many things that I will never forget. So sure, I have a painted smile. Funnily enough, my ex and her friend (both of them mental health nurses with severe mental problems of their own) would often remind the other to "fake it 'till you make it". For me, I think there is something to this.
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