Dad with possible BPD

[tinydancer3]

So I don't live with my parents anymore as i'm 20 but the relationship i've always had with my dad has been a strange one. We were never very close when I was a child and looking back he had many symptoms of a BPD parent. He still does, a very volatile personality frequently getting angry and irritated about small things, he drinks every night (not a huge amount but I would say he couldn't go a few nights without drinking), he drives very recklessly and struggles with maintaining relationships. He split up with his first wife whom he had 2 children with both of which do not speak to him and havn't since early teenage years, then he split from my mother when I was 14 and now has another wife (from Ukraine whom he married after knowing her for only 4 months).

What I remember most about my dad through childhood was the constant criticism which has resulted in me having very little confidence/self esteem and over more recent years anxiety and occasional bouts of depression. As I do not live close to my dad I only see him now on average around 3 times a year however I am struggling with feelings at the moment on whether I should not see him anymore or to carry on seeing him a few times a year as I do not get pleasure from seeing him when I do. Also I do not feel as if he would care so much if I didn't see him anymore as he seems content with his new family without me. I'm finding this hard to accept.

I tried to cut him from my life after my parents first split up when I was 14 and this lasted for about 2 years however I found that pretending that my dad didn't exist wasn't helping my emotions and decided to see him again and have been seeing him a few times a year since. Please help! Also my dad doesn't accept there is anything wrong with him and wouldn't ever go to the GP for help about something like this therefore this is more for me acknowledging the problem and dealing with it as I know he never will! Thanks!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tinydancer3! 

I'm glad you've come to join us and that you shared some of your story with us. Thank you! You'll find a lot of information here. Sometimes it may be overwhelming, so take your time. It's not a race to see how much and how fast you can learn. Learning and understanding takes time. Other members will be able to share some of their own stories with you, and the great thing is that we learn from one another.

I'm very sorry about how your dad has been with you. It's discouraging, isn't it? Hurts too, if the truth were known. We look to our parents to help us and guide us, and in the case of those with BPD characteristics, much that we hope for is elusive or nonexistent. I think many of us spend our lives seeking to find what we never got while growing up. Since my mom was an uBPD, I can very much relate. I am still looking for those basic needs from my childhood to be met by other people. Both my parents have passed away now, but even in my 50s, I can say that finding the truths of what it is like to be raised by a BPD has helped to shine the light and I am growing and maturing on the journey to healing. Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of our board?  ------>> > Any sentence you click on will pop up with more information.

Have you thought about seeing a T or have you already done so? Hats off to you for starting this journey when you are so young!  Many of us did not even find out about BPD until we were much older than you. It is not wrong or right to step away from seeing your parent when they have BPD. It is whatever works best for you. There are so many others who struggle with FOG when they don't want to see the offending parent. I raise my hand to that one! You need to do what is best for you. Are you able to ponder and think about that and why you would or would not see your dad? That can help you narrow down some of what you are feeling.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

 
Wools

[Naughty Nibbler]

Tinydancer3:  I'd like to join Woolspinner2000 in welcoming you  

I'm sorry about the situation with your dad.  Is your mom in your life?

My dad had traits of BPD as well. He had a bad temper and was very critical.  Growing up, there were several episodes of him using "the silent treatment".  Fortunately, my mom mellowed more as she aged and seemed to be able to just ignore his constant criticism.  

Please help! Also my dad doesn't accept there is anything wrong with him and wouldn't ever go to the GP for help about something like this therefore this is more for me acknowledging the problem and dealing with it as I know he never will!      

Unfortunately, we can't force someone to get help.  As your dad ages, he may hit a point where the anxiety gets the best of him, and then he might reach out.  Although his normal isn't normal, it is to him.  An interesting thing is that some of us don't really know that the way we feel isn't normal (at least a certain levels).  When things go to the extreme, then that is generally when it is more likely to get someone into treatment.  

What you can do is set some BOUNDARIES with your dad and use various COMMUNICATION skills with him.  That can help make things better for you.  

Although anxiety and depression can be situational, they can be passed on genetically. Sometimes, it can be a matter of brain chemistry or brain wiring.  Commonly, people with BPD (pwBPD) have other issues, such as an anxiety disorder, depression, PTSD, OCD, ADD/ADHD and other mental issues.  I tend to think that people who don't get help in managing other mental health issues (and don't develop healthy coping skills), can easily end up with BPD traits.

I never thought much about the root cause of my dad's behavior.  Then, during an extremely stressful period of time for both my sister and me, my sister exhibited behaviors of a high functioning BPD.  That brought on a chain of events that led me here.  I've thought over things that happened in the past and, at least with my family situation, I have a bit of a theory. I think genetics has some influence in mental health.  Beyond that, I think how we manage certain things has a lot to do with what something evolves into.

It's no excuse, but I believe my dad struggled with anxiety and depression for a good part of his life.  I've had my struggles as well.  I think I came out of the womb anxious.  When you are young, you don't realize that "your normal" might not be normal.

What I remember most about my dad through childhood was the constant criticism which has resulted in me having very little confidence/self esteem and over more recent years anxiety and occasional bouts of depression.    

I don't think my dad's behavior  caused me to have anxiety issues and occasional bouts of depression.  I think it was likely genetic. What I think his anger and criticism gave me, was "the disease to please others".  It is something I have had to work on and continue to manage.  

Have you thought about trying some therapy?  Are you doing anything in particular to manage your anxiety and occasional depression?   Has your depression had any pattern?  (i.e. always in the Fall/Winter?).

Do you know what you want to do with your future?  I was very shy and much like you when I was young.  I burst out of my shell, when I got my first job.  I was determined to always be self-sufficient and independent.  I just faked it until I made it.  



 

[tinydancer3]

Thank you woolspinner2000 I will try looking at some of the info on the right thank you!

I am having a few weeks of counselling currently however this is more for my own anxiety and depression that I faced recently (I am a student nurse and was struggling to cope with placements ect). I have not discussed anything about my dad to my counsellor only about coping strategies for when I start to feel particularly anxious on placement.

Yes my mum is my rock Naughty Nibbler. Even though I live with my boyfriend 200 miles from my mum we still have a very healthy relationship and see each other as often as possible. Due to the severity of my parents break up however they do not speak to each other and also I do not feel able to talk to my mum about my dad as whenever I do she seems to shut off or acts disinterested, I suppose it is just a hard topic for her to discuss and I understand that.

I have actually noted a pattern in my depression and like you suggested it is a winter thing, generally at its worst during November, December, January and February. I went to the GP as I suspected it may be SAD but he said it could be but did not push anything particularly just told me to start dancing again which I did not feel able to so felt stuck. I decided to go to the counselling service at my university and bought myself a light box, both seem to have helped me get through the winter.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I have not discussed anything about my dad to my counsellor only about coping strategies for when I start to feel particularly anxious on placement.     

Coping strategies are great.  Have you learned a particular one that you find most helpful?

You might find it helpful to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE  in regard to your father.  Sometime, you just need to make peace with the fact that you can't change him and focus on what you have control over.  You have control over your boundaries and how you interact and react to your father.

Your dad might not be able to validate you, so that would be something you would need to radically accept to give you peace of mind.  It's not you, it's him.  Embrace validation you get from others, your mom, your boyfriend or even SELF-VALIDATION.  If you dad invalidates you, best to radically accept that it's not really about you, but your dad.

The quote below has some ideas on how to prepare for being around a difficult person.

1. Check your personal engine light.
Think about how you feel when you’re around someone who drains you and upsets you, someone with whom you feel you lose yourself. How does this feel in your body? How does it feel in your mind? How does the presence of this person affect you?

Now look at this list of feelings and sensations you’ve made, and imagine that your body is like a car, with a dashboard full of warning lights.  You’ve just identified what I like to call the “check engine light” for your personal boundary system. It’s a security system warning that your personal energy field has been breached, and you’re letting in stuff that isn’t yours.

This is really important. When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts of stuff that isn’t actually our stuff, and we give away our own personal energy unconsciously.

That means you’re dealing with a breach of your energetic security system and a leak of your own personal energy. You’re looking at warning signs indicating that some work needs to be done, some boundaries need to be shored up, and you need to return to center.

2. Ground yourself as preparation for maintaining boundaries.
Grounding is akin to the way a tree sinks her roots to stay secure in a storm. It’s the first tool in creating healthy boundaries—nurturing a connection with ourselves, our centers.

Our root system is both our anchor and our boundary system. It keeps us from being blown about in other people’s winds. It gives us a way to focus and still ourselves to connect with our heart and our intuition. That’s what keeps us steady and connected and focused.

There are as many ways to ground as there are people. I like to take five minutes to actually imagine my root system connecting me into the earth, like a giant oak tree. Here are some other ideas:   Meditation; breathing exercises; saying a prayer, affirmation, or mantra in the shower in the morning; mindfulness; chanting or repeating affirmations in your head as you walk.

Try different ways—you’ll find the one that works for you!

3. Notice the people and places that tend to drain you.
Before entering those places or exposing yourself to those people, take a few minutes to imagine breathing a bubble of protective energy around you. Think of it as a space that will only allow love and positivity inside it, deflecting anything else. Really see it and really feel the force of it around you. Then recognize what you need to do to maintain that space.

These three steps will help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. Building boundaries is like any muscle or practice—the more you work with it, the better it serves you!

Due to the severity of my parents break up however they do not speak to each other and also I do not feel able to talk to my mum about my dad as whenever I do she seems to shut off or acts disinterested, I suppose it is just a hard topic for her to discuss and I understand that.     

Probably best to just not discuss your father with your mother.  The less she knows about any plans to visit him or situations you encountered with him, the better.  This board is a good place to vent and discuss. 

I have actually noted a pattern in my depression and like you suggested it is a winter thing, generally at its worst during November, December, January and February. I went to the GP as I suspected it may be SAD but he said it could be but did not push anything particularly just told me to start dancing again which I did not feel able to so felt stuck. I decided to go to the counselling service at my university and bought myself a light box, both seem to have helped me get through the winter.     

I use a light box, and it can be helpful.  The one thing I've learned is that each year is a new adventure, so you may have to adjust your light box use.  I tend to start using it 30 days before the earliest point when I have ever started having symptoms.  Each year can be a bit different.  If the light box quits helping, you might want to try a low dose of an antidepressant. One approach is to titrate onto it a month before your earliest symptoms start and then titrate off for Spring and Summer.  Another option can be to just stay on a low dose of an antidepressant.