feel bad about NC, even tho its necessary

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am struggling.  Just over 2 weeks (my) NC and my emotions and reasoning is all over the place.  Most recently Ive been obsessing about how it feels from his perspective and feeling bad about myself about the NC.  Being BPD I know he is always the 'victim' and Im sure he views the NC as completely sudden, unexplained, excessive and unbased just as many have described here when they are suddenly and inexplicably dumped by the BPD.  Im sure my ex feels exactly the same way although of course he was given countless 'second chances' and given lists on why.  Not to mention endless extended conversations (some fighting) and many tears over the last months leading up to the NC.  Im sure he is beyond confused since he 'knows' he never did anything, and I am the one that is mentally ill and cruel.  Im sure the NC to him seems like its easy for me to turn away and I dont or never really cared .  He thinks the same as us; "how could someone just sever all ties after x years?  they must never have really cared"; because he doesnt view that he ever did anything wrong except have a couple bad days. He REALLY believes that!

So then I start to think that I am being cruel, knowing he doesnt understand, even though he should.  Maybe I should reach out and do LC instead of NC, I think, wouldnt that be kinder, because I dont like being cruel and Im not that kind of person.  Its hard to go against what youve been brought up to be kind and caring and not abandon someone in need.  

Then I recall the last 3 months before NC.  It was over and I was ending it, he couldnt accept it and the nightmare that is BPD abandonment kicked into full gear.  I tried for 3 months to end it gracefully, trying to take the high road and trying to offer to stay friends, be a support.  I was met with an endless barrage of false accusations, called awful names, threatened with legal action(s) about said (false) accusations, and many attempts for coerced sex (i 'owed' it to him for being a lying ___ and it if I wanted him to stop with the accusations (and legal actions) I better smarten up and 'play ball'. Disgusting!

This is not someone I can do LC with.  Every time Ive tried, he just starts to act like nothing happened and everything was right back to 'together'.  Then when I reminded him that we are not back together, another flip out ensues, each one getting more bizarre and horrible until it went so far I had no choice but NC. And it feels wrong to me, but I know what the alternative is and I cant do it anymore.  I want to reach out, but its pointless.  It makes me angry that he has made be have to be 'that kind or person', cruel and hold tight to NC. Its not how I want to be.  

[Crushedbyac]

I am struggling.  Just over 2 weeks (my) NC and my emotions and reasoning is all over the place.  Most recently Ive been obsessing about how it feels from his perspective and feeling bad about myself about the NC.  Being BPD I know he is always the 'victim' and Im sure he views the NC as completely sudden, unexplained, excessive and unbased just as many have described here when they are suddenly and inexplicably dumped by the BPD.  Im sure my ex feels exactly the same way although of course he was given countless 'second chances' and given lists on why.  Not to mention endless extended conversations (some fighting) and many tears over the last months leading up to the NC.  Im sure he is beyond confused since he 'knows' he never did anything, and I am the one that is mentally ill and cruel.  Im sure the NC to him seems like its easy for me to turn away and I dont or never really cared .  He thinks the same as us; "how could someone just sever all ties after x years?  they must never have really cared"; because he doesnt view that he ever did anything wrong except have a couple bad days. He REALLY believes that!

So then I start to think that I am being cruel, knowing he doesnt understand, even though he should.  Maybe I should reach out and do LC instead of NC, I think, wouldnt that be kinder, because I dont like being cruel and Im not that kind of person.  Its hard to go against what youve been brought up to be kind and caring and not abandon someone in need.  

Then I recall the last 3 months before NC.  It was over and I was ending it, he couldnt accept it and the nightmare that is BPD abandonment kicked into full gear.  I tried for 3 months to end it gracefully, trying to take the high road and trying to offer to stay friends, be a support.  I was met with an endless barrage of false accusations, called awful names, threatened with legal action(s) about said (false) accusations, and many attempts for coerced sex (i 'owed' it to him for being a lying ___ and it if I wanted him to stop with the accusations (and legal actions) I better smarten up and 'play ball'. Disgusting!

This is not someone I can do LC with.  Every time Ive tried, he just starts to act like nothing happened and everything was right back to 'together'.  Then when I reminded him that we are not back together, another flip out ensues, each one getting more bizarre and horrible until it went so far I had no choice but NC. And it feels wrong to me, but I know what the alternative is and I cant do it anymore.  I want to reach out, but its pointless.  It makes me angry that he has made be have to be 'that kind or person', cruel and hold tight to NC. Its not how I want to be.  

[Roselee]

Crushed... .I'm sorry you are feeling this way today. You seem to be in a confused state... .which I can relate to! I have and often am still there. The best thing for you to do to try to clear your mind some... .is to stay no contact. You need to sort out your thoughts, feelings, and hurt, not his. That is his job to do, should he decide to do so.

A quote I love and keep reminding myself of is that some people come into your life as a blessing, and others as a lesson. In my relationship, although I thought at times he was a blessing, I am now learning to cope with the lesson. A lesson that I always saw, but chose to sweep under the rug.  It is one that I see now will take me time to heal from, and to correct myself from ever allowing it to happen to me again with anyone.

Yes, I miss the man who I fell in love with... .but the man who hurt me terribly, is also that same man. And like your ex, needs to make the choice for himself, to try to see that and help himself. He will never be good for you or anyone, unless he makes that choice. You can not help him with this... .he looks at you as the cause of this. In his mind, it's too much to accept that it is his fault. Should you go LC... .it may just grow to more hurt and excel from there.  Take this time for YOU. Try to focus on what YOU want, and your feelings.  I know it's hard to switch our brains to focus only on ourselves, almost sounds selfish, and like you I know I wasn't raised like that, I was raised to help others, and think of their feelings.  But when someone messes with your feelings, and has accused you of awful things and called you awful names... .were they thinking of you and your feelings. I doubt it.  Comes a time when we have to simply say Enough... .and get ourselves better and strong again... .do it for YOU this time!

[balletomane]

Look at it this way: he would feel abandoned, neglected, and hurt if you were trying to maintain a friendship with him. He would feel abandoned, neglected, and hurt if you were still in a relationship with him. There is no way for you to stop him from experiencing those strong emotional reactions because they are part of the problem he has. You are basically saying you are cruel for not being able to prevent him from experiencing BPD.

It isn't his fault he has BPD. But it isn't yours either. You can't take responsibility for his psychological state. You can only take responsibility for your own life.

[chillamom]

Hi, Crushed,

 I am in EXACTLY the same position you are in, and actually have felt this way for quite a long time.  My reluctance to do what many on here (including Roselee and balletomane have recently noted) has been an escalation of harassment on his end and undoubtedly an escalation of pain on both of our ends.  I broke up with my diagnosed BPD/NPDbf in December.  3 months today, and hopefully the last time.  Previously, I had been reluctant to go NC or even LC and would respond to everything he threw my way, with the result being that many times when I tried to leave I was charmed back in for a recycle... .and as many on here will tell you, the situation gets worse with each successive attempt at engagement.

Crushed, right now I am attempting LC with the ex because he is in "such pain" and "needs help" and of course blames me for every hospitalization he has had in the past, and probably will have in the future.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point where I had to leave for my own sanity and presumably safety as well, so I did what I had to do and am standing firm in my decision not to return. But like you, I feel tremendous guilt and empathy, and the reason I have not been able to go NC is the same as yours - I keep seeking things from his point of view and knowing how I would feel if it were done to me.

My LC attempts have, I think, only exacerbated the issue, and I'll bet they would with you as well.  I sometimes gets hundreds of texts a day, along with phone calls, emails, and Facebook messages.  He is becoming the poster child for the initial stages of "obsessive ex syndrome", and I think that my intermittent reinforcement of him is making it worse.  BUT I am afraid to go full NC because I am afraid it would engage him to the point where he might turn physical, and I worry for my teen daughters who still live at home (he has no key, but with these folks you can't be too careful).  I did tell him the other night, via text, that his harassment was entering restraining order territory, and that seemed to cut the contact for a few hours, but now today we're back in business again.

In most breakups I believe LC and even a certain level of friendship are possible.  My ex-husband (30 years married!) and I can hang out together with his new wife and have a normal, civil conversation, but that will never be possible with the NPD/BPD ex.  We both have to realize what is and what is not possible... .for my end, I will probably continue with a very LC approach because otherwise the guilt and the fear will really get to me, but I have to be VERY LC and perhaps that's something for you to consider if you have that "guilt gene" like I do?

Honestly, I think you can really consider NC as everyone advises you to  - as balletomane says, no matter WHAT approach you take, even if Heaven forfend you recycled (NONONONO), there would still be guilt and blame foisted upon you.  We're in a no-win situation here, and I find myself constantly reminding myself of his diagnosed psychiatric conditions.  I can't fight that and I tried for 8 years,.

We both need to learn to put OUR OWN feelings and well-being first, as my T constantly reminds me.  It's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do, because I still pity him and have strong feelings that I suppress.  Good luck with whatever approach you take, and know that there are many others in very similar circumstances!  It's hard.

[Pretty Woman]

Crushed, by implementing NC you are setting a boundary. Boundaries ARE good. Boundaries protect YOU and YOUR best interests.

You will never be able to change your BPD ex. What you are doing is taking care of yourself and that is most important. Regardless of your ex being sick or not, he is not there when you need him. He leaves when he cares to and your feelings are never taken into consideration.  Your ex is a survivor. BPD's have learned to survive from a very young age. Your BPD ex CAN and will function without you in his life.

I know you don't want to be mean or cruel. You don't have to be. You can let go with love and good intentions. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and providing yourself with love you so greatly deserve.

We are not here to tell you to go NC or LC. If you read on these boards some have gone both at one time or another, or LC or NC. From personal experience, you give an inch... .they take a mile and you ultimately end up back at square one or used and abused. I am dealing with this now with one of the exes of my BPD ex. When something goes horrible in her life she reaches out to me. I started to notice she uses others to manipulate them into siding with her. She makes you feel guilty if you don't agree with her and throws all your faults in your face, completely unrelated to the topic at hand to deflect.

This was very eye opening for me as I can see why she and my ex dated and also why they ended. They fed off each other perfectly given both their pathologies.

I decided to go NC and let go of the nonsense. Staying there to help, just because she was troubled was doing me no good. In fact it was just triggering aspects of my past relationship with our mutual ex. I feel 100x better without this person in my life. That doesn't mean I don't care. I had some great times with this person. But once she started trying to manipulate me and make me feel guilty about my morals and convictions that is when I had to let her go.

We can't save the world but we can save ourselves.

[Crushedbyac]

thank you all for your support and reminders that Im trying to take care of me!   

I know I have to stay NC, ive tried the alternative and its exactly what we expect: more of the same, and worse.  Just having this forum to vent and hear that Im not alone in this experience has been a life-saver in staying the course. Thank you.