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Author Topic: My BPD ex gf seems to have given up on finding another man but won't come back  (Read 454 times)
chitownbpd312

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« on: March 27, 2017, 09:48:06 PM »

I got here like many of you.  I dated mine 3 years.  The story is like yours so I will save the long story.  Aren't we all so similar in a way?

I'm a co-dependent life saver type.  A fixer.  It sucks, I wish I could stop.

I have been four weeks into this breakup, and some questions I have for you I'll write here since I searched and searched and didn't find answers.

1.  My ex talked to me two days after the split and was caring and nice?
2.  She cut me off after I pleaded for closure (didn't know about BPD/NPD yet)...
3.  She fits literally every obvious and not so obvious symptom of BPD with some NPD.  Her Dad is total NPD.
4.  She needed "space" and 45 mins later breaks up for no reason.  I assume we got too close, too "loving"... .
5.  I have very close friends in touch with her and trust them fully.  She did not replace me with any guy or have time to, in four weeks.  She always tweets about being alone, and she naturally was a loner before.
6.  Instead of a guy she replaced me with new cast mates from a local theatre group, and she knows I see her tweets. She actually tweeted that she has not felt so full of "love" because they had the play this weekend.  Who can say they feel so much love from something that cannot love you (a play)... .
7.  She has no idea I'm on her Spotify, but periodically I see her songs at work and they are all about being alone and depressed.  In public she acts so obviously fake happy.

So the question is, I'm completely cut off, discarded, silenced.  She doesn't talk at all to me.  I gave up... .

She unblocked me last Thursday on FB and blocked me again Sunday... .  Have no idea what that means.

She also created a fake profile and deleted it when I messaged it back saying hi to her.  She tried to friend me.  She also tried to break into my FB using a business email account she had the password to of mine.

I'm not gonna lie, she was VERY attracted to me.  I'm very lucky to be attractive and have a lot of girls that came out of the woodwork when I became single.  I don't rebound though I actually heal myself.

She has zero attractive males in her life.  She has no dating profiles set up.  My friends all say she disappeared on social media after initially trying to post selfies but she has gained weight (about 10-15 lbs.) since I suspected her detaching in retrospect... .So she seems to have lost self-esteem.

I hear how all these girls have guys already, how they are all actively searching.  Mine just seems to have given up and even if she doesn't miss me I feel like she won't go for a guy until she deems him enough to make me jealous... .she knows I don't get jealous of the theatre nerds she hangs with.

Yet she is so stubborn I feel she will never talk to me again.  I admit I still love her.  That's why I care.  I also know I wasn't cheated on because I had her social media passwords and she was around 24/7 I never didn't have tabs... .

So yeah, I am a little nuts like we all are.  But why would she just give up socially and disappear from social media?  Also what's with the contact attempts?  I have made clear I'd talk to her... .Is it the narcissism that keeps her from coming back?

Sorry I guess I did rant.  Good news is I have a great therapist.  And all of you.

Thank you for sharing your stories it brought me back to some sanity!
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stayingsteady
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 58


« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2017, 02:36:42 AM »

Hi chitownBPD312,

Welcome to the family!  It can be really tough when actions are occurring and it doesn't seem to make any sense.  I've definitely been there and so have so many others, so you're definitely in the right place.

Unfortunately, trying to make sense of these actions can be an extremely difficult task.

For me it's always been easier to look first at the purpose of action and develop understanding from there.  It may not always bring me to an absolutely correct answer, but it at least does enough to provide me peace.

For an individual with BPD symptoms, the reason for behavior can often be found in a need to feel safe. 

I have a feeling she wants to talk to you but doesn't feel safe with you.  If this is true it could explain all the items you discussed:

By providing mixed messages it can accomplish a variety of purposes, all of which increase a feeling of safety: 

First, the mixed messages may be completely related to an attempt to locate an appropriate "closeness" through trial and error.

Second, by using mixed messages it can cause dis-regulation within you.  Dis-regulation can increase the chance a variety of responses will occur.  These responses include acting irrationally (which could later be used to control you through guilt) and increasing your desire to be with her through intermittent reinforcement (Skinner - Behaviorism).

There may be other explanations as well... .

I hope this helps,

- Staying Steady
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abraxus
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 101


« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2017, 03:26:28 AM »

Some girls with abandonment issues just prefer to be alone. It's hard for them, but they find it less stressful than being in a relationship.

I'll be honest and say that being a rescuer type doesn't bode well for the future, even if you were to get back together, as they ultimately feel stifled by that.

Nor does constantly keeping tabs on her. I can tell you from experience that if someone wants to cheat, then they will cheat, no matter what you do, and that the tighter you try to hold on, the more likely you are to drive them to it, or push them away.

The fact she was nice and caring after the split sounds more like she's relieved to be out, at least for now as, if she was overly conflicted about it, then she'd more likely be angry with you. People are often hurt when a girl leaves and doesn't show sympathy for them but, in my experience, the more sympathetic, the more she feels sorry for you than she does for herself, and is more committed to the break up. I've got back with pretty much every girl who was angry with me, but rarely when they were nice and kind about it.

Ironically, the fact that you haven't been replaced, isn't necessarily positive either, as it's usually done to cover the pain, and not doing so suggests it's less painful to her.

Sorry if all that sounds overly negative, I'm just being brutally honest, based on my own experiences, and so could be wrong as I don't know her.

That doesn't mean she won't come back though, however you need to stop trying to push her for closure. That will just make her feel awkward or guilty, and push her further away.

Bear in mind I don't know her, or how her BPD affects her, and so much of what I said is based on my experience of how any girl may act and feel in the same situation, and it just tends to be a lot more extreme with BPD.

The fact you can't contact her probably works in your favour, as it stops you doing the worst possible thing, which is chasing her. If you're to stand any chance of getting her back then you need to show that you've changed and are not so clingy and possessive, as I suspect that's part of the problem, if not most of it.

Right now she needs space, so give it to her, as much as she needs, as the more space, then the more credible any changes you've made appear. Let her be the one to reach out to you and, if she gets in touch, then try to sound normal, and act as though you've accepted her decision. By all means say you wish things were different, but tell her that you respect her wishes.

At best she needs to feel that whilst you may want her, you don't need her, and won't pressure her. Maybe she just needed to spread her wings a bit, and taste a bit of freedom and so, if she gets lonely and decides she doesn't like it, then you need to be aware of what things you may have done wrong, and be sure that you've addressed them, so she can see that if she returns it might work this time.

Like I said, this is based on what I know of how a normal girl would react under the circumstances, as I know nothing about her BPD. You'll know that better, so can tailor to suit.
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