She doesn't have time for romance... the paycheck she brings home is her romance

[formflier]

So... .had an interesting conversation with my wife this morning.  Likely a dangerous one that I'm glad to get past unscathed... .


Many times there is discussion about what was talked about in the Bible study.  One of the guys had mentioned that his wife wanted there to be more romance in their marriage.  You guys (especially gals) would likely get a chuckle about a bunch of men sitting around drinking coffee and talking about romance... .   '

So... .I mention this and somehow it gets around to how my wife feels about romance... .and she is very dismissive.  I don't really react or defend... .just listen.

"Who has time for that anyway... .?"... .  then she says something to the effect that her contribution to romance is bringing home a paycheck.  "  I said I was thankful for that... .really focused on listening.  And by this time realizing I'm in dangerous ground... .also insanely curious at the same time.

I suspect she gets frustrated that I don't react... .because the she continues.

"Romance is like the icing on the cake.  It only works if you have baked the cake.  If you try to put icing on batter that hasn't been baked... .it won't work... ."

I think I said something profound like "ohh... ."

So... .I'm pretty sure what she was saying/implying is that there is not a real relationship there for there to be romance... .right?

How do you guys read those comments?

FF

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Formflier

Im new here. Ive read some of your previous posts but I dont have enough background to interpret what is going on in your relationship. I can only interpret the comment itself and I would take it as that your wife feels like some work needs to be done to the foundation of your relationship before you can focus on the romantic part of it. Hope that helps.

[Fian]

It sounds like basic needs like money need to be met before romance is possible in her eyes.  Being BPD I assume she is blaming you for not being the breadwinner.  That until you are the breadwinner and she can stay at home, romance is not possible.

[Fie]

Hello FF,

Might be that having BPD issues, your wife is not really capable of giving and receiving love in a 'healthy' way. Of course she's not going to acknowledge that (shame) so she's looking for a more 'acceptable' explanation, one where you also might hold some of the responsibility in her eyes : too much work.

xx

[empath]

Same song, umpteenth verse. Nice job dodging it though.

Translation: I don't have time for romance because I'm working and bringing home a paycheck. We don't even have a proper relationship (because I 'have to work' while you sit around... .).

[formflier]

(because I 'have to work' while you sit around... .).

This was how I interpreted it... .

One of those conversations that I innocently wandered into... .I mean... .what kind of wife wouldn't want to talk about romance... .and I genuinely enjoyed (and all the guys chuckled) at the one poor sap (married less than 2 years) that brought up that his wife "felt" they weren't very romantic... .

He was complaining that it seemed like his wife's needs were a moving target... .and we were all like... ."ummm... yeah... .and your question is... ?" 

Our prayer group is a diverse bunch... .one single guy, me and another guy are married for over 20 years... .few other guys are a couple years in...

So... .without really thinking it through... .I'm snuggling with my wife on the couch and sort of ease into this conversation... .then realize I am in the lions dens... .(remain calm FF... .just pretend they aren't there... . )

Anyway... .

Sigh...

FF

[Jester20]

Something that stands out for me... .is she resentful?

[cubicinch]

I found out quite quickly even during her idealisation period, my ex BPD gf had absolutely no idea of how to be romantic... it was some word she knew but didn't really quite grasp how it all worked. She expected things off me, gestures, flowers, gifts, but had no idea (or afraid to show it) of how to accept and reciprocate, but she damn well knew what to expect from me and be very vocal about it. When she last stayed her at christmas, there was a big melt down over her fear of what presents I'd bought her, and behind my back she wrote 'VALENTINES DAY... ROMANTIC' on my calendar, and wrote in her birthday.

I used to get her fresh flowers every time I met up with her, from the start, but although I could tell she appreciated them and kept them going for weeks, I was never really thanked and reciprocated some affection in return. Why did I love this girl? Why does she still have a hold over me, I'll never know. Lifes mysteries. She's gone now, mostly of her doing, NC and moving on for nearly 2 months.

[formflier]

. is she resentful?

 
Oh yeah... .

She is married to a guy that "lays around all day... ."  "sit's home on his butt... "  etc etc

We are kind of the odd couple now where gender roles are somewhat reversed.  She works full time.  I'm primary homemaker, fix most dinners, do most grocery shopping... .attend school functions (8 kids... there are a bazillion of them), etc etc etc.

That is what she wants to do... .


FF

[GaGrl]

 
Oh yeah... .

She is married to a guy that "lays around all day... ."  "sit's home on his butt... "  etc etc

We are kind of the odd couple now where gender roles are somewhat reversed.  She works full time.  I'm primary homemaker, fix most dinners, do most grocery shopping... .attend school functions (8 kids... there are a bazillion of them), etc etc etc.

That is what she wants to do... .


FF

A and yet... .you bring in the overwhelming amount of the family income. This is where I lose the thread, because I insist on looking at the logic.

[formflier]

you bring in the overwhelming amount of the family income. 

I've brought this up before... .

I kid you not... .she said I was "nitpicking" by getting into the details... .

Ummm... really not much to say there... .whatever.

FF

[Notwendy]

You know the facts- the stay at home parent is doing a "job" and that your disability and investment income is more than her earnings, but if feelings are facts- I think she does sometimes resent that she leaves for work and you "get " to stay home. I know that my H also felt like this at times. It was demoralizing to think he didn't see what I did at home. I had to just stay secure in the knowledge that I was making a valuable contribution.

The idea that bringing home the paycheck should be enough- who needs romance- I think comes out of this resentment. I experienced that as well. It can become a problem when the spouse resents having to be romantic as well. Who wants this? I didn't, and over the years, romance just left the marriage. If my H didn't want it, well, what was the point?

There are many things that contribute to the sex drive- biology, emotions, visual, attraction. It is easy to get into a routine. But eventually, for women, the drive part can diminish- I think it does in men, but perhaps more gradual than women. My H has asked if my sometimes diminished drive is because of looking elsewhere- other men (I have never cheated) but the men in my life is "Men-o-pause". For men, I think romance can be an investment in keeping your physical life meaningful. If you consider your wife's age, she may be meeting up with Men-o-pause and this, along with her resentment may be what is involved in her statement.

I didn't read those romance novels, but once we were at a vacation rental and someone left one behind- the kind with Fabio on the cover, sweeping the maiden off her feet. Guys- these books wouldn't sell if they didn't have some appeal. Being that "Fabio" to your wife might seem kind of silly, but the payoff could be worth it  

FF, think of projection. When your wife is saying this, she may want some more romance. Glad you didn't get into this- but perhaps trying some more romance- the candlelight dinner, the flowers, chocolate-- is just what she might want.

[formflier]

FF, think of projection. When your wife is saying this, she may want some more romance. Glad you didn't get into this- but perhaps trying some more romance- the candlelight dinner, the flowers, chocolate-- is just what she might want.

That's what I was figuring. 

This has been spring break week... .so I've tried to be supportive of things she wanted to do with kids, family fun and also "lingering" in bed in the morning.  First couple days she didn't seem that interested... .

Today she was the one not wanting me to slip out of bed... .  I get it next week will be "back to the grind"... .but this week ended up being enjoyable (for the most part).

Luckily... .I've been able to adopt and "oh that again... " type of attitude when she says/does weird things.  I've got plenty around here to keep me occupied... .

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like she called the relationship, less than... .half baked!
(Couldn't help myself there )

[formflier]

Sounds like she called the relationship, less than... .half baked!
(Couldn't help myself there )

That is hilarious... .

Remember all that about having a great week... .yeah... whatever. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=308099.new#new

I'm actually still having a decent day... .getting some stuff done here.  Spring cleaning... .and trying to figure out why a van isn't starting.  (right now I don't think it is getting fuel.  I'm hoping it is a relay... .but fearful it is the pump.  That means dropping the tank)

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Glad to hear your day is going ok.

Imo, I actually think of sex as the gluten in the cake:  More like the glue that helps hold it together, keeps it fluffy and light. Ya know, like you expect cake to be.

Cause I got Celiac and most gluten free cakes and breads are pretty crumbly, dense, heavy, hard to hold wit out falling apart... .it just ain't the same even after icing added... .cause even icing can't keep it from crumbling as you break into it.

[formflier]

Glad to hear your day is going ok.
 

It would appear she is going to be surprisingly reasonable about the money switch thing. 

Or she can change her mind... whatever... .I'll try to keep focused on my plan and if she wants to talk... .we can talk.

FF