Mother lin law help

[sassynopants]

Hello,

I am in a situation where my mother in law has not been formally diagnosed with BPD but from as far as my husband and I (and my therapist) can tell, she meets a lot of the criteria.  I sought out therapy as a result of her constant need to cause conflict in our lives.  She is driving a wedge between my husband and myself. 

She is not a physical harm to herself or us but the emotional toll this is causing for our family is almost too much to bear.  I love her, but I do not like her right now. 

After a large and very dramatic public situation with her about a month ago and a subsequent phone call that ended terribly with a lot of "alternative facts" and name calling, we have taken a break with communication.  It has been very limited but she always seems to find situations that warrant us to call.  (Her husband was in the hospital overnight, our niece was "devastated" about something and she sent us a picture text of her sobbing.) All of these things require contact and then it ends in a fight. 

I am at the end of my rope.  My husbands way of dealing is getting angry but ignoring it. I have tried talking it out, rationalizing, ignoring, yelling, everything but it never changes.  Now she is requesting coffee with me to discuss the latest and frankly the worst argument.  I want to go to show my husband support (it is his mom after all and he is quietly coming to the realization that she will never be the mom her needs/wants) and because I do want it to be better but I fear that this will end badly and this will be the last straw between him and her.  I fear he will one day resent me even though he intellectually knows that it isn't me.  This is driving a huge wedge between our family. 
How do I handle this meeting?  How do we move forward? 
Thank you!

[Mutt]

Hi sassynopants, ‎



I'd like to welcome you to the group. I'm sorry to hear that. I completely understand how frustrating and emotionally exausting getting into an argument with a pwBPD. We can't diagnose but what we can look at are BPD traits and set boundaries for BPD traits / behaviors. I agree with self protection ( minimal contact) it gives us our space to take care of ourselves and not feeling drained from the drama, did your T suggest minimal / no contact?

I used to have really bad fights with my ex, she's not diagnosed, she displays traits and I know very well how depressing and exausting it feels, I felt guilt and shame because i'm really not that person that I turned into and one of the biggest tools that I learned from BPDFAMILY is to not JADE, Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain, a pwBPD will try to bait, it's a part of the disorder, a pwBPD can't self sooth or regulate their emotions but it's not up to us to sooth them, self soothing is self management. Say things once, maybe twice but don't JADE, a boundary can also be to change the tempo and find something else to do. A pwBPD are not rational when they are emotionally disregulated, think about a situation where you had an intense feeling where things happened quickly, it's difficult or impossible to be rational in such a state, that is wha‎t it is like for a pwBPD.

I can understand being worried about your H, what I would suggest is to not take sides with MIL or H because the a pwBPD will often cast themselves as victim and sometimes rescuer and cast others in the role of persecutor or rescuer, you, your H and MIL make a triangle, you can read about triangulation here. When there is pressure between two people sometimes a third person becomes a part of this dynamic because it's easier to offset some of that pressure with three people instead of directly one on one. To stop the cycle of drama and blame is to not be a part of the drama triangle and remain neutral by not taking anyone's side.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey sassynopants:  
Welcome to the family.  So sorry you are having problems with your MIL.  Has your MIL ever had therapy or meds for any mental illness?  

After a large and very dramatic public situation with her about a month ago and a subsequent phone call that ended terribly with a lot of "alternative facts" and name calling, we have taken a break with communication.  

Are you able to share some details about the public drama?  :)id your MIL do the name calling?

Now she is requesting coffee with me to discuss the latest and frankly the worst argument.  

Will you be meeting with her alone?  Be cautious about getting into a drama triangle.

The two threads below can be helpful for you to avoid arguments and drama.  Not JADEing (don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) can help avoid circular arguments.  You will want to be careful to NOT get into a drama triangle with your husband and MIL.   The article below on the Karpman Drama Triangle might be helpful.  You want a healthy triangle and not a drama triangle.  

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

You and your husband might want to SET BOUNDARIES

DON'T INVALIDATE can be a helpful skill to use, as well as COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS

You can't change your MIL, but if you and your husband unite on boundaries and some strategic communication skills, you can make things better for you and your husband.

[New_family]

Hey I just wanted to say I reconize your story. My BFs mother is also showing BPD behavior and my BF is trying to ignore it. It's hard to talk to him about it, but I think best is that we (and maybe you and your husband as well) think of a strategie on how to deal with her. Talk about bounderies and what kind of relationship we want with her.

[sassynopants]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  I am grateful for your kindness.  First, I will be reading much more about JADE and Triangulation.  I have never heard about these before and I am excited to have something to learn about in order to cope better. 

My MIL has been diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression and it is likely she is a functioning alcoholic.  She is on 1 RX for her anxiety and depression though I don't know which one. 

As for the public drama, it occurred at a very exclusive restaurant in the city.  We were there for my husbands birthday celebration.  She gave him a gift that was sentimental to her but not appropriate for her son.  When he did not react the way that she had hoped (he smiled, thanked her and set it on the table) she dropped onto one knee put her head in her husbands lap and began loudly wailing and crying.  Stopping only long enough to look back to see who was paying attention.  This behavior only stopped when I stood up with my son and my husband and quietly walked away from the table. 

During the call after the dinner, she spoke to my husband sobbing and blaming me for not wanting more children (among many other things outside of her decision making rights) and suggesting to him that he leave me for someone younger who he could have children with.  (I had two children, one who passed away from a rare genetic disease-so I am not able to have more).  This ended badly.  In order to attempt to figure things out, I called her a few days later and asked why she was treating me so badly.  Frankly it quickly escalated when she blamed me for my daughters death and suggested that I was having an affair with my SIL husband (neither are even close to the truth).  Name calling on both sides at that point.  I am ashamed that I let it get out of control and that I called her a b-word and told her I didn't want to speak to her for a very long time.  Honestly, I was shocked at her venom but I take responsibility for my part. 

Thank you for reading.  Knowing I am not alone and how best to support my husband is so important right now.