my work seems to be a big trigger

[Gracie0521]

i feel bad for my man with BPD.
his babies mom has withdrawn their daughter from him again.
I am bearing the brunt. I had a work meeting yesterday. He took time off of work to come. Did I do something wrong by allowing it? what happened after was unbelievable. He accused me of wanting my co worker which is not true. It became an event... on top of that one of the individuals was extremely late for the meeting. I found myself being thankful he joined me knowing there was no way he would have believed me when i got home late and had to try to explain that we waited a ridiculously long time for one of the key players at the meeting.

Further to that when he was seeing his daughter I bought myself a paint nite for tonight... a night he  he usually sees her. Now according to him im trying to meet other men, we do nothing together etc  
I actually do not even know what to do to stop this event it keeps snowballing. I don't even know what fear is motivating this. Any and all suggestions are appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

When a  pwBPD is having dysregulated emotions, they want their emotional-comfort-person-blankie on call.  Anything from work, to family, friends, and other responsibilities are seen as a threat, a cause fo potential abandonment, and they get upset if you have anything but them to attend to. 

One way this seems to be expressed is through accusations of cheating.  I have never cheated on H.  We have been together almost 21 years, and HE is the one who was prone to improper relationships and flirting and looking for attentiona ll over the palce.  Not me.  So I know some of his accusations are projection - he feels guilty for things he knew at the time were wrong, but it's easier with BPD to make it all my fault somehow, or to project his actions onto me to excuse them. 

I'm not saying your pwBPD is cheating, but it IS a common reason for them to accuse us. 

Also, the worst possible ideas race through their heads.  H cannot fathom that soemtimes I simply do not hear my phone, it did not register his message, or that tehre was a conenction issue.  It makes much more sense in his disordered state to beleive I am intentionally ignoring him to mkae him angry. 

Paint party - If H was suddenly free, I'd simply invite him to come with me if there was space open.  Or make plans to meet before or after for dinner/drinks - can't really be pickling up dudes at a paint party and go have drinks with your SO.  You are now aware that this is a trigger.  This does not mean skip out on work meetings, or things to do on your own.  But it means you know what he's thinking, and that's a big part of facing it.  Valdiate that you know he's afraid of you cheating/leaving him, while communicating that is not anywhere clsoe to what is going on.  He will need to hear it a lot.  He will not accept it, he will fight accepting it, but if you are consistent, if your behavoir is consistent with your words, it may help over time.

But, your actions can only go so far, especially if he is upset about thigns beyond your control like a custody battle.  All you can do is empathize, and vlaidate how much that must hurt.  Let him know you hear him.  They seem to freak out the most when they don't think they are being listened to or haerd, and thent he really crazy accusations slip in. 

[Gracie0521]

thank you for the advice. i very quickly feel engulfed by his emotional tornado. I really don't know how to act or react... the safety blanket on call makes sense.
I offered for him to accompany me and have a bit to eat and a couple of drinks while I do my thing. It may have helped or it may be to late... .as hes says things like " but you didn't invite me". he's right i didnt  I thought about it but the last 24 hours have been a doozy! and before I could he acted like a child and I did not know if it was a control thing or a compromise. After a whole day of teenage like interactions and reading on this site, along with wondering if he's depressed and thinkong us getting out in any capacity may be good for him i dont even care if its control. peace first.