Its so hard to accept

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I dont know if I will ever be able to accept the idea that Im now permanently on his list of people that are plotting against him, whose only goals are and were to manipulate and hurt him.  That he will hate me forever for things I never did.  I cared about and for this man for 4 years, I loved him.  I thought he loved me.  How can he think the awful things he now adamantly believes about me?  Its crushed me.  I know it cant be fixed or rationally discussed (tried and tried) because of his BPD and it is what it is, I should just be glad for the (hopefully) peace of NC, but Im struggling.  I never wanted it to have to be this way.  I didnt want to hurt him.  I feel terrible that he will never understand.

[Crushedbyac]

I dont know if I will ever be able to accept the idea that Im now permanently on his list of people that are plotting against him, whose only goals are and were to manipulate and hurt him.  That he will hate me forever for things I never did.  I cared about and for this man for 4 years, I loved him.  I thought he loved me.  How can he think the awful things he now adamantly believes about me?  Its crushed me.  I know it cant be fixed or rationally discussed (tried and tried) because of his BPD and it is what it is, I should just be glad for the (hopefully) peace of NC, but Im struggling.  I never wanted it to have to be this way.  I didnt want to hurt him.  I feel terrible that he will never understand.

[Inneedofhelp]

It is so difficult! In our rational minds we see this person that we loved who is suffering and as compassionate people we don't want them to hurt, but when they blame us it is even worse. I am hearing these delusions constantly right now as my separated  spousewBPD can't make sense that I have to detach for my health and safety. Just last night he said that a family helps pick each other up when they are struggling and continued to call several times after I supposedly didn't help him in an argument with our 12 year old son. I'm so worn out that I have no choice but to detach but it's so painful every time that he starts to hurl the rage at me for what I haven't done to love him. Please be thankful for the NC as painful as it is-i can only wish for that peace right now to try and heal some. We will be ok. We deserve peace and happiness again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Crushed, It is hard.  BPD is neither rational nor reasonable, so all the usual ways of solving a problem in a r/s prove fruitless, in my experience.  And it's exhausting.  When I parted ways with my BPDxW, I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, after depleting myself emotionally, physically and financially.  I can confirm that the detaching process leads to greater happiness, so you could think of it as short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain.  In the meantime, suggest you treat yourself with care and compassion for what you've been through.

LuckyJim

[getfree]

Hi Crushedbyac

Although it really is painful I think going NC is the right way to go when you are finally ready to detach.

I cared about and for this man for 4 years, I loved him.  I thought he loved me.  How can he think the awful things he now adamantly believes about me? 

This struck me as I am going through the same ruminations now. Where I am now is that I don't think that people with BPD either "love" or "hate" in the same way as "nons" do - their emotional template is one of an infant so these emotions are driven purely by their own need at that moment.

When I was being discarded by my ex she told me that our relationship had been nothing but a distraction and she wouldn't give a damn when it ended. I think despite being designed to hurt me this might have been one of the truer things she said - I was a distraction from the life she finds almost unbearably difficult on a day to day basis.

Your ex may very well split you white in the future and decide you were the love of his life. The real question for you is what you will if or when that happens. From now on I think you need to be the focus of your own emotional energy.

[blueblue12]

Hey Crushed, it is so hard, I am also going through the NC idea. After doing NC for two months after my ex dissolved our 10 year relationship/marriage, we sold the house and she moved on, had a new relationship soon after and I said goodbye and went quietly into NC. She then tried to get through to me via my son, then when I replied ONCE it was on again, I was the best, the love of her life, etc, etc... .the guy was terrible, loser, etc, etc... .now after a few encounters I find myself in a terrible state whereupon I feel like NC is the only way forward again. Terrible times... .

[Idsrvt2]

I know how you feel as I feel it too.  I meant my x no harm , but he took out a protection order on me and now I'm lumped in with everyone he feels is out to get him. I onlynacted in anger at the shock of him breaking up with me for the third time ... .

But I didn't do anything that warranted a PO against me.   He wanted to drop it in court but I had one on him too and said no.

This really is one of the hardest things to deal with being painted black

[Aesir]

I know how you feel. So many years trying to convince her I was not a bad person just for her to turn around and attack my character like that hurts. I wasn't perfect but I never meant her any harm either. If anything it was the opposite. I was always in her corner.

[UnforgivenII]

Once you accept the fact they never really loved us and blaming us for everything is just the easy way out everything makes sense.

[marti644]

Crushed,

My heart goes out  to you. The struggle between our hearts and our minds is a long-term battle we must fight to unentangle ourselves. You deserve to be with someone who is not this selfish, who uses others and leaves them. Overtime, you will realize that being put on the haters' list was the best thing to ever happen to you. You are free from the push/pull of a mentally ill person.will be better off immeasureably without this toxic person in your life, just take it day by day and do things that make you happy!

xxx Marti

[ShadowA]

Once you accept the fact they never really loved us and blaming us for everything is just the easy way out everything makes sense.

Makes sense, but doesn't hurt less.

If anything it hurts more, in my opinion.

I kinda think that's why it's hard more so to get over a BPD person.

It's not a straight cut and dry breakup. It's all chaotic and odd, and nothing makes sense. Lot of parts are illogical and etc...

The only thing that makes sense to me even now. Is that nothing makes sense.

[Inneedofhelp]

I agree that it is so difficult. I have decided to not spend so much time dwelling on how it happened, how sad I feel and how I wish things were different and I hadn't spent so many years on living this way. Now I am starting to find ways to heal myself-found a therapist for me, am gathering strength to set boundaries that are more healthy for me regardless of the inevitable consequences (more anger from him as he sees me move on and detach). I want to live freely again-not always trying to calculate the next explosion and limit my activities/associations for fear of his jealousy. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

[Crushedbyac]

thank you all for kind words and encouragement.  Its hard for sure.  I am right there with you all.  I want more than anything for him to understand that he left me no choice. I just couldn't take the nonstop texts and threats anymore.  Always starts nice, to fool me, then the accusations. And his current delusion about me has him completely consumed.  Im sure the RO has just cemented that belief even more.  Im still afraid even with the RO because I know he views as a complete betrayal and more lies (which is what Im sure he will tell the judge) and he is determined to "ruin my life no matter the cost", ie PI, lawsuit, etc.  Its frightening waiting for the retaliation that I know is coming... .

[Roselee]

So many of these examples sound like my constant battle in my relationship. After being 4 months out, I still struggle daily! Some days are a harder struggle than others... .but the struggle is still there!

It just baffles my mind that what ruined and tore our relationship apart was factitious thoughts about me that he somehow conjured up in his mind, and made himself believe that they must be true.  Because I told him I was afraid of him hurting himself, he then thought that I must be planning to kill him, and make it look like he did it himself. No matter what I said, did, pleaded, cried, for him to believe me... .he still swore I was involved with someone else during our relationship. That I was never interested in him, I was called a liar (among many other names) constantly.  He also swore I had his phones tapped, broke into his house, did drugs... .and painted me black to everyone and anyone who would listen!

I have written him a letter... .because I am blocked from him phone... .(which is ironic, being he was the one bombing my phone)... .but each time I read it, I think it's just a waste. So, I file it back in my journal. I still want that last verbal conversation with him. I don't know why... .I guess I wonder if maybe during this time, he may listen to some reason. That I never could possibly do any of the awful things he accused me of. But then I know better. I'm sad... .for me and for him. Again, this didn't have to be like this.  I worry that I will never get past this! And the guilt that I couldn't help him, that I couldn't break thru to him.  It's an awful & lonely place to be, to be forever blamed and accused of total fabrications from someone you totally loved and trusted.

you could think of it as short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain.

That I love!  I will tell myself that often!

[Lucky Jim]

I'm sad... .for me and for him. Again, this didn't have to be like this.  I worry that I will never get past this! And the guilt that I couldn't help him, that I couldn't break thru to him.  It's an awful & lonely place to be, to be forever blamed and accused of total fabrications from someone you totally loved and trusted.

Roselee: All true, but the pain you are experiencing provides a springboard for personal growth.  I predict that, after going through this ordeal, you will know yourself a lot better and appreciate a healthy r/s when you find it again.  What I'm saying is that it leads to greater happiness, so don't be discouraged.

LuckyJim

[artfuldodger]

Makes sense, but doesn't hurt less.

If anything it hurts more, in my opinion.

I kinda think that's why it's hard more so to get over a BPD person.

It's not a straight cut and dry breakup. It's all chaotic and odd, and nothing makes sense. Lot of parts are illogical and etc...

The only thing that makes sense to me even now. Is that nothing makes sense.

I concur, completely! I exactly know what you mean. It has been six years since my Ex broke up with me and his behaviour (through out the relationship and especially around our breakup) has left me so messed up in my head that I struggle to move on. I used to be a strong person with no complexes whatsoever and now I have severe trust issues. I am no longer able to take people and their words seriously.

He married behind my back while professing his undying love for me until the end, how I was a part of his soul and he couldn't even imagine a life without me. I cannot even express how devastating it was for me, when I learned about his marriage. Even after his marriage, he wrote me mails still professing his love for me. His betrayal left me so damaged, I was bedridden for more than a year. It took me more than three years to regain my physical health, but emotionally I haven't healed completely even today. I still cry myself to bed.

I loved him sincerely and in spite of how traumatic it was for me, I stood by him through everything.

I distinctly remember, twice over a period of five years, I was so hurt and empty I had reached a point where I could no longer deal with him and asked him to leave me alone. However, he begged and weeped, that if I am done with him, I am free to leave but he won't ever and won't even let me leave! That if I ever left him, he would prove it to the world what I meant to him and yet he could do all that he did to me eventually.

I believed him and everything he said, when ideally I shouldn't have.

[cubicinch]

Same for me, I got accused almost from the get go of speaking to other women, and being a long distance (2hr drive) rs, she just couldn't handle the lack of control over me, and became very untrusting. I'm a nice genuine and honest person and those sort of accusations where unknown to me, so a shock when I got the texts... It is hurtful and you deal with it in the way you know how, but it's an uphill battle to have to try and justify your innocence. Jealousy in any relationship is about as bad as it can get, and hard to shake, but with BPD it's worse.

I went on a work/staff leaving gathering one weekend and because I never text her the following morning, that was it, I had met someone else afa she was concerned. Things like this just clarified that she needed full control and also the fear of rejection. If you allow it, it will kill a relationship. As much as that girl really said she had feelings for me, she just couldn't handle it all and the resulting mess starts them on a road downhill to end it before they face the rejection possibilites themselves; rebuild their wall of defence and shut out (or in) the hurt that they are in turmoil over.   

[Roselee]

I remember before my relationship thinking that jealousy in a relationship could possibly be a difficult issue, but not one that couldn't be resolved, that is if there was real true love and RESPECT.  I had a friend of mine even think it was kinda cute.     
NEVER in my wildest imagination would I think that it could grow into something that would change my life and my "Being" so deeply, that I know I will never be that same naïve person again. It has changed me to my core, and really made a mess of my perceptions.  I never thought it could morph into such trauma. I truly underestimated it's effect and end result.

I predict that, after going through this ordeal, you will know yourself a lot better and appreciate a healthy r/s when you find it again.  What I'm saying is that it leads to greater happiness, so don't be discouraged.

This is what I look forward to now (Thanks for that!). There is a reason he came into my life, I have to take what I have learned from this and turn it into a positive for my own personal growth now. As we are all trying and learning to do.

Jealousy is indeed ugly, disrespectful and very hurtful. I feel it can also be viewed as a type of hate, whether it be of themselves or others.   Which again, makes it very hard to cope with the fact that it came, unwarranted, from the very person we loved and trusted so deeply.

I now know that it holds "0" place in any relationship.  I now know that once it's there, it's there... .it may go dormant for a bit, but does not go away. For me personally, I will never venture into a relationship thinking "once he gets to know me, he will realize there's nothing to be jealous about".  I now see RED FLAG... .and I'm learning I need to be grateful for that knowledge. So as to not rinse and repeat!