Am I heartless?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When my partner is sad and starts to hurt my feelings I just don't have it in me anymore to put those comments aside and comfort him like he needs me to. Cuddling him and making him feel better has become such a chore. He's treated me really badly and been hurting me for 14 months now and I'm at the stage where I dont even want to try anymore and I dont care. He makes out like I'm heartless and selfish and I don't know whether I am or not?

[Coping64]

When my partner is sad and starts to hurt my feelings I just don't have it in me anymore to put those comments aside and comfort him like he needs me to. Cuddling him and making him feel better has become such a chore. He's treated me really badly and been hurting me for 14 months now and I'm at the stage where I dont even want to try anymore and I dont care. He makes out like I'm heartless and selfish and I don't know whether I am or not?

[formflier]

If he is sad... .you should comfort him.

If he is sad and is abusive to you.  Your first duty is to yourself.   No need to convince him of this, he will figure it out.

Certainly you should plainly tell him... .once... .that you will offer support to him when there is no abuse. 

Needing support while being abusive is above our paygrade on these boards. 

Hang in there.     

FF

[DaddyBear77]

AndreaG64, I really feel your pain and conflict in this kind of situation.

What formflier said is certainly good advice and spot on, but what if you don't identify what's happening as "abuse"? I'm going to guess that your partner would NEVER say they were abusive, which might add to the doubt and uncertainty that you're feeling.

I say this because I regularly experience what might be similar situations.

Do I love her? Of course. Do I care that she's hurting and sad? You bet. Our feeling of whether we're "good" or "right" needs to come from us - NOT them. It's really hard for me to really GET that, but I understand the concept.

When we feel like we need to leave, we're listening to that inner voice that says "this is too much." We're not giving up on caring about them. We don't suddenly stop feeling bad for them and what they're going through - man, it must be so hard for them! We're just adding another dimension to our feelings that says "We care about them. AND we feel hurt, too."

So I guess ask yourself this question - can you truly care for yourself while at the same time listening to someone throw mean things in your face? Can you really provide your partner the best of yourself if you are fighting back your own feelings of pain and hurt? Are you being an authentic person if you say 'That's ok, it doesn't hurt that bad - I can stay a while longer'?

So no, I don't personally think you're heartless and selfish. Do you?

[Coping64]

Thank you so much for the comments. You are both right. He is abusive and manipulative (not on purpose in his opinion) and he always makes me feel like I need to put him first. For 14 months he has been verbally abusive, broken things around the house, cut his wrist on two occasions in front of 7 year old and run off to hurt himself over 60 times all the while messaging me constantly abusing me and telling me it's my fault. The thing is, I KNOW he doesn't mean what he says so I'm conflicted as to whether I should just ignore it and comfort him like I know he wants me to. I just don't have it in me, I feel for him but I don't agree with having to comfort him when he treats me that way whether he means it or not. Thoughts?

[Panda39]

I also wanted to chime in that you are absolutely not being selfish and uncaring when taking care of yourself (your emotional well being) when someone is being abusive.   

... .all the while messaging me constantly abusing me and telling me it's my fault... .

This made me think of a couple of things... .projection, projecting his feelings about himself on to you or the other option is FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) both are dysfunctional ways of dealing with his shame and can also be a means of control.

I have found it helpful to understand some of the dynamics under the surface so wanted to share some information on FOG & Projection with you (just click on the links). They are both pretty common tools or coping mechanisms used by people with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[formflier]

not on purpose in his opinion

What do you believe about the bolded part above?  

I ask because what you believe will "drive" your "big picture".  It will affect your ability to empathize and it will also say that it will affect your ability to have boundaries (and enforce them).

How do you think it will affect those things I listed?  If you believe it is on purpose, what do your answers look like?  If you believe it is not on purpose, what do your answers look like?

There is little reason to debate day to day "tactical" issues, when there are big picture things being seriously debated.

Make sense?  Thoughts?

FF